A/N : hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey friends and also other people

um

so there are 3 ( ? ) other ' crackfics ' in this ' fandom ' and that is def not enough sooooo here ya go ! damn richie r u high ? prolly

Mkay so once upon a time there was:

One (1) factory, v dignified, in some city, where i lay (lie?) my scene, from poor circumstance break to fame, where a golden ticket made a boy unmmmmm an heir. To an factory. Yeah.

So there was a man, although is masculinity is oft disputed - he is a pure man, a good boy, does the fashions, protect him - and on occasion he was known to make chocolate. Well, actually he owns a multi-billion dollar chocolate company ? but that's not as poetic so

and some shit went down back in The Good Old Days like : he didn't run away from home but the home ran away from him; he sold some candy (wild), he was successful (even wilder. gene wilder. i'm a smashing SUCCess) he built a factory, then a whole palace (how?) then some ppl stole, then he closed it (the factory), then he opened it again but he was secretive ?! it's a little convoluted

but now he's just lonely & he got a little existential during his semi-annual haircut ? Don't judge him, not all of us can be emotionally stable Janet. Gosh. And he realized abt DEATH and was like "shit i gotta get an heir bc that's something ppl still do today in the modern 21st century time yes"

ok and also sometimes he likes to look out the window of his factory and judge the tourists' bad fashion choices bc honestly why are crocs even a thing ? and that's how he noticed there was this kid that stopped at his factory every day and he looked like a decent kid so he decided he wanted this kid as his heir

But bc he's been alone ;) in his factory for like 8 centuries and has a total of zero ( 0 ) social skills he doesn't want to just talk to this kid ,,,

he wants sent out five (5) 25 carrot gold (Ag) tickets randomly around the world ! bc that's a good way to find a good heir (that kid) ! U got a rlly good chance of getting that one single specific kid that way ! Good job genius ! Way 2 go

By the way this guy's real name is Willy Wonka. Yes that is his real honest to goodness name. Please leave him alone ! he doesn't deserve your disrespect Janet

Kay so he sent out some gold tickets and then the whole entire planet went crazy ? calm down it's just a factory ,,, but ok

and the first four ( 4 ) tickets were found by some real class A brats:

Augustus Gloop ( again, this is his real name, but you can judge this bitch all u want ) , an ungrateful little piglet who eats 25/8

Veruca Salt ( these are their real names ? ok ) yet another ungrateful bitch. She wants a pony. Her dad has potential to be attractive but he, too, is SOOO bitchy

Mike Teavee : he sure does like his first-person shooter games. He prolly is also a child genius but he lives in midwest America. He's got some anger issues

Violet Beauregarde : ooooooo girl this kid has some serious martial arts skills let me tell you

but she smaks her gum smak smac

At this point in time William Wonka is getting lowkey a little irritated ? he didn't ask for these brats he asked for that one kid. Too bad he dropped out of school before they learned abt probabilities,,, stay in school kids unless u are a wildly successful chocolatier

this kid ( whose ( who's ? (whom ? (english is a trip) ) ) name is charlie bucket ) is rlly rlly rlly rlly very a lot much poor ( well he isn't poor ? he's twelve ( 12 ) or maybe eleven ( 11 ) perhaps ten ( 10 ) he doesn't have a bank account; his parents are poor ) and he apparently can't ever buy a chocolate bar even though they are like seventy (70 ) cents but i wouldn't know i'm not poor

and always he has been obsessed w/ Wonka's factory like he even built a model of it out of toothpaste caps bc his father works in a toothpaste factory ? wild. prolly also a political metaphor.

at any rate, he wants a golden ticket rlly badly so there's a long story abt how he obtained one but richie is lazy and typing this on her phone so you're not going to hear abt it

sidenote here : wonka has some SNATCHED cheekbones ok like damn

right so he gets a ticket and even though the way probabilities work there rlly is no way he should have gotten it everything is now going according to The Greate Coco la Tier's plan

now Wonca is presumably happy ? bc he got the kid he wanted ! he deserves to happy ok .. he's been through some stuff … ;) so he plans the gruesome deaths of the other children. actually it's never proven he planned them OR that the kids even did die ? irrelevant

and some time in February i mean Fabruary maybe even Fabricary at this point anything goes

Wonton hosts his tour ! it was a Mess

it went something like :

"hello bonjour aloha *obscure 70's reference* my name is Wilbur or William or maybe even Wilton no one ever told me Wonka lets burn some stuff

"here is a corridor that looks long but isn't bc i like to feel high when i walk in my house ( dont you ?). Just throw your belongings on the ground i guess. I don't want to host a tour ? I just want Charlesie

"wow look a candy garden. oh snap chocolate is too viscous to properly allow a fat boy to swim the 200 IM Freestyle

"LMAO i told you not to eat that you egotistical bitch ! =O

"here r sum squirrrrels. no u can NOT have ur own squirrrrel. there are so many outside ? catch ur own ! golly! europeans, amiright

"look this teleporter. it is fucking FABULOUS just like the gay i mean guy that invented it ( me ) lol it's for chocolate tho ? u idiot

"mmm Chararly too bad you had to witness that ! want a factory ? cool here u go. wait what why would u choose your immobile grandparents over my fab factory ? um excuse me ? freaking families i s2g !¡

Yeah, it was basically a disaster ?

so the whole time the Worlds Best Chalky Tear was having some Edgy As All Heck flashbacks bc of his Convenient Tragic Past involving a father who did his hair in finger curls and some aggressive dental work like tim burton calm tf down

so now Wonka gets to have a mid 30s emo crisis ! fun ! he just wanted someone to take care of his freaking factory !

and like a good gay ( i mean there's no proof he was gay, but there's no proof he isn't ) he goes to get a shoe shine from Carly who is conveniently now shining shoes ? aren't there child labor laws ? we will never know. and he wears some great Gucci sunglasses so no one will recognize him like those were some good sunglasses!? iconic.

since Willy Bonbon is too Socially Awkward to, i dunno, apologize to Kharlie, he pretends to read a newspaper abt himself ? way to be subtle boy. and of course charlie sees through his disguise bc, lets b honest, that fucking haircut. not to diss bc i also have a bob ? ok

And William/Wilbur/Willford Wonka brings up his Conveniently Tragic Past and:

Wonka: Gosh I sure don't miss my psychotic father

Charlie: Gee, you wanna visit him ?

Wonka: :/

but they go anyway and basically his dad lives in the middle of the Canadian tundra? it's a wasteland? perfect place for him

boyyyyy ok let me say a piece abt his dad O K

this guy ,,, he doesn't ? even? recognize? his? one? and? only? son? how

ur son has such a flawless complexion and SNATCHED cheekbones how do you not recognize this beauty

except then he does recognize him? but by his TEETH like

alright Norman Bates

go back to your tundra

yeah and he has a whole fucking wall just plastered w/ newspaper articles abt Wonka ? what kind of crazy ,,,,,

so then they leave and Charlie is chill with being an heir bc Willlll is chill w/ Charlie's fam

AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

i mean obviously they all die at some point but