Sirius ran, his lungs struggling, filling with cold autumn air, his muscles burning.
He tried to banish any thoughts away, and so he kept running until he reached the dark lake, and threw himself in. He sunk slowly in the cloudy water, eyes open, air escaping his mouth, his tangled thoughts still not gone.
The water was so cold that hours later, laying in the warm water of his bathtub, his skin still felt cold, he still shuddered. He turned to his side, half submerged and half out of the water.
He stayed that way for a long time, holding his barber razor blade in his hand, gently flipping it.
A few days before, he'd walked out of the dark room the Order of the Phoenix had just convened in, and stood in the equally dark hall. James came out to discuss Sirius' mission, and they faced each other in the small hall.
"You understand there'll be a specific Death Eater you have to…"
"Torture," said Remus, who'd just come out, and stood watching them both. He shook his head, saying "We're new to the Order, barely 18 -"
Sirius gave him an angry questioning look.
"Remus," said James, kindly.
"Why am I going with you?" Remus said, looking steadily at Sirius. "Make sure things don't get out of hand?"
He then brushed past them and left.
After Sirius was thrown against the wall, he stood up, using his sleeve to wipe the blood off his lips, as Remus threw the Death Eater against a bookcase. He fell, and the now broken bookcase fell on and around him. He was struggling to get up, but Sirius kneed his stomach and punched his face, throwing him on the floor. For a moment, Remus and Sirius stood still.
"Get him ready," Sirius said, turning and walking away.
A few minutes later, the Death Eater lightly swayed in his chair, despite being tightly chained, and he was glaring at them through bleary eyes.
Sirius approached him slowly, cocking his head, and he gently gathered some of the Death Eater's hair in his hand. He suddenly pulled the man's hair hard enough that he jerked his head back, letting out a grunt. Sirius, slowly, then took out his wand and gently ran it up and down the Death Eater's neck.
"You know what we want."
The Death Eater simply turned his head to the side and spit out some blood.
"Well. In that case, you won't mind my friend… persuading you."
Remus looked up from the Death Eater to make eye contact with Sirius. He knew fear showed in his eyes, but he couldn't unlock his gaze as he rolled his sleeve up and took out his wand.
After hours of interrogation, the Death Eater had confessed to various murders, most for fun, and was now coughing and heavily spitting blood, even as he laughed.
"Not that it matters. The Ministry of Magic won't be able to prove anything."
"If you help us and tell us where Voldermort is planning his next attack-" said Remus, "we can help you, so that Voldermort won't kill you. You'll still go to Azkaban, but-"
"And die a traitor?," the Death Eater asked indignantly. "I'm dying anyway now, and I'd rather die knowing I fucked you pretty boys over, thanks."
Sirius was struggling to breathe, but after a few moments, he said "You're right. You're dead anyway. So why don't we get this over with?"
He aimed his wand, but Remus held him back, grabbing his arm, and looking at his face. His eyes were focused on Sirius' lips, while Sirius stared at the Death Eater.
"Let go of me, Remus," Sirius said measuredly.
"Sirius! We're not- killers."
"This is better?" After a long moment, neither's gaze moving, Sirius said, "Let him go."
"What the hell were you going to do, Sirius?" asked Remus, some time later, walking quickly in the dry fields around the dilapidated warehouse where the Order was meeting that night.
Sirius strode ahead of him, shaking his head derisively.
In the fading blue light of late afternoon, Remus suddenly screamed, bending over from the force. Sirius turned to look at him, his face suspicious and angry.
He strode over to him, pulling him upright by jerking Remus's arm. Remus then punched his face with his other arm.
"Woah! Woah!" they heard, as several members of the Order arrived.
James and Lily both ran over, as Sirius shoved Remus back. Lily lightly held Remus around the back, staring up at him, while James got in between Remus and Sirius, holding Sirius' arms, looking at him in bewilderment.
At that night's meeting, the air was still and thick with cigarette smoke and the scent of candles and parchment paper, and the voices, endlessly speaking, were muffled.
Sirius had felt disconnected from himself for months now, but this was the most distant he'd ever felt.
A couple of mornings later, Sirius decided to speak to Remus. He was in the hall of the third floor of Benjy Fenwick's home, where Remus was living, and Sirius and Remus suddenly saw each other. Sirius' bottom lip was split in two, a purple bruise on one side of his mouth. Remus's eyes betrayed the slightest of compassion.
"Was that the Death Eater or me?"
"Does it matter?"
Lupin dropped his gaze, shaking his head slightly, and he turned away from Sirius.
Sirius grabbed his arm, and spun him around.
"I'm not horrible. How is it wrong to kill them? They're... scum."
"But you aren't. The Order can - "
"The Order is losing."
Remus frowned, looking all over the hall.
"Remus you know this. That's why you don't agree with certain things, but you still do them - "
"I know!" said Remus. "But... I have to believe we do have standards. That there is a line we don't cross... That we don't kill out of... vengeance."
Sirius nodded slightly. "Are you scared of me?"
Remus hesitated, then shrugged. "You are."
Sirius pushed him against the wall and they both were still for a moment, their ragged breaths the only sounds they could hear.
Suddenly, Sirius kissed Lupin forcefully, a rush of blood stabbing his guts. He felt his breath and Lupin's, out of sync and shallow; felt the warmth of the body pressed against him.
When Sirius pulled himself back, a moan that sounded mournful escaped Lupin's open mouth, and he was looking at Sirius with eyes suddenly vulnerable.
Sirius frowned, his mind and body overtaken by a dark storm. He stepped away from Lupin.
"Sirius," Remus said gently.
Sirius turned around slowly and Remus held his hand, drawing him into his room.
Remus closed the door quietly, and tried to smile as he leaned in and gently kissed Sirius, an electric charge starting on his lips and running through him.
They continued to kiss slowly, Sirius feeling his body warm up, the sounds of their shirts rustling, their tongues and lips meeting, their heartbeats loud.
They removed each other's clothes, slowly walking towards the bed.
Sirius laid him down and looked at him, his eyes soft, a desire to let go and sink into the abyss clear in them. They kissed softly, as he set his hand on Remus's stomach and began tracing the wide, thick white scars Remus had there.
His hand then drifted over to Remus's forearms, where similar scars from his werewolf-self's bites and scratches were.
Slowly, he raised his hand to Remus's neck, and he felt a sharp pang of lust simply from smelling his neck as he kissed it, and again, he kissed him.
He was moved by Remus allowing him to explore and look at his body, as he kissed each scar, licked and smelled and tasted him all over.
The pulsing in his body became stronger, and he kissed him forcefully, beginning to bite and claw at him, Remus holding his hips and pressing them against him.
Sirius felt every undulation of Remus' eager body, and responded to it, gently parting Remus' pale thighs, fitting his large body in between them.
He carefully and slowly pressed himself against Remus, their cocks rubbing together. At first, Lupin only threw his head back, a long moan escaping him, but slowly, he started to grab at Sirius' shoulders, pulling him higher and tighter against him, each thrust short but deep, rhythmically matching their breaths.
It seemed to go on for hours, neither wanting to stop, Sirius' deep grunts mixed with Remus' sharp moans, as the heat and friction built, both's faces and chests flushed, their bodies burning and sweating, tightly wound together.
Sirius body was tensing up, as was Remus's, but he hoarsely whispered "Relax your muscles."
Remus let out a small whimper, but did his best to comply, as he came, convulsing, tightly gripping Sirius, finally pulling him over the edge, too, and Sirius threw his head back, forgetting to breathe, feeling the deep and hot pleasure waves that traveled all over him.
These were the thoughts going in circles, tangling, separating, and binding in Sirius' mind the following night, as he submerged in the cold tub again.