"Somebody cut the line,
dizzy spinning endlessly,
somebody make me feel alive.."
Shatter Me~Halestorm
BLACKBIRD MOTEL/MEN OF LETTERS BUNKER
It had been two days since Castiel had laid his hand on Charlie's cold dead bloody body and resurrected her from an undoubtedly violent and cruel death. It had only taken seconds for Castiel to bring her back but the wait that they had to endure for it to finally happen had been torturous for both Sam and Dean, especially Dean.
The sight of Charlie in that dingy motel bathroom looking bloodied and lifeless was an image Dean could never scrub from his mind. He felt an incredibly deep loss as he stared at her. Dean had walked towards her with the tiniest inkling of hope that maybe, just maybe they had gotten there in time. But as Dean had drawn closer to her, without even checking her pulse he knew: they both did, Charlie was dead.
Dean didn't have Gadreel suddenly bursting through the doorway all those months back when Charlie had sacrificed herself to save him from the Wicked Witch, dying in the process.
Dean didn't have anyone to immediately lay hands on her and bring her back to life only moments after she had died, thereby making it seem like it had never even happened at all. That night though, at the Blackbird Motel, he had knelt down beside the tub, beside her, and touched her cheek. He could still feel the warmth in them and it bore through him viciously and mercilessly. She was dead, another friend, another member of their family, and it was every bit their fault. If they had only gotten there sooner.
Dean had flinched when Sam suddenly started yelling for Castiel. And it wasn't until then that it dawned on Dean that maybe, just maybe, there was still hope for Charlie.
BUNKER. 36 HOURS LATER
Charlie came back physically fine and seemingly in perfect form. Nonetheless, mentally and more importantly, emotionally, she was very different. Dean knew in his heart that dying the way she did; it wasn't as easy as brushing it off now that she was back from the dead. Dean knew that fighting to come back from what had happened was going to be a very difficult journey. Charlie was a strong person who had already experienced so much in the way of anguish and heartbreak and she had always found her way out of the darkness and into the light. He admired her ability to do so. Her ability to cope with those situations had garnered a great deal of respect for her on his part. But this, this was different.
Charlie was terrified when she woke. She bolted upright from the bed she had been laying on, screaming, punching and kicking against anything that touched her. She even managed to punch Dean in the cheek leaving a memento in the shape of a small bruise. It took both him and Sam to calm her, and even longer to get it through to her that she was with them in the Men of Letters Bunker and that she was safe and that no one was going to hurt her. No one.
As Dean watched Castiel bring her back to life, he realized what an enormous gaping hole her death had left him with only days before. It had enveloped him completely. He had wanted revenge. He had wanted to destroy everything and anything responsible for her death. He had thirsted for blood and the Mark of Cain had given him all the fuel he needed to kill every single Styne and every other single person at the Styne compound that he could get his hands on.
It wasn't until Dean watched Castiel press his fingers to Charlie's forehead that he finally felt something other than anger and hatred.
BUNKER. 48 HOURS LATER
Charlie had barely eaten in the past three days, and it wasn't from lack of trying. Dean had gone far and wide to get all her favorite foods hoping that something or anything would entice a desire to eat on her part. Instead she had only nibbled and picked at her food showing little interest. That lack of interest was another indication she was hurting badly. And that, for him, was alarming. He wanted Charlie back to her old self. He knew in his heart, Charlie wanted to be back too. Although he could see the anguish in her eyes, he could also see that she was fighting it even if it didn't look like it outwardly. Dean pulled himself out of his thoughts as he rounded a hallway corner and came to a stop just outside her room's door.
Holding a milkshake in hand he knocked on the already open door to Charlie's room. She was sitting up in bed with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She stared at the floor, looking lost in thought. He walked in and sat down beside her.
"Hey Charlie, I know how much you love strawberries so I got you a Strawberry-licious Creamsicle Pie in the Sky Shake. The best in town." Smiling, he nudged her arm playfully.
She remained quiet and unresponsive. Dean's head and heart ached at her unwavering silence. He couldn't stand seeing her in this state. He missed her laugh and that light that always seemed to play in her eyes.
His smile faded. "Charlie please talk me. Say anything. Tell me to leave you the hell alone. Tell me to stop bringing you all this god damned food or making stupid jokes...anything..." He stared at her wondering what it was going to take to pull her out of her head and get her back to the here and now.
"Charlie." He paused a moment as he chose his words carefully. "Charlie, I want you to know no matter what, Sam and I are here for you. You can come to us for anything. Whether you want to talk or make fun of Sam's commercial Revlon hair. You know that, right?" He gave her a small gentle squeeze on her shoulder. "Charlie?" He asked again. Still no response.
Dean kept telling himself she just needed time. He didn't want to push her. He hated it when people pushed him before he was ready. He just wanted her to start talking about anything. It would at least be a step forward, but it looked like that moment was not now. He finally stood up and headed toward the door.
"Dean." Charlie spoke up.
Her voice sounded small and raspy and most definitely not like herself. She sounded so foreign and distant, it was unnerving. Dean spun around fearing he had imagined it. He watched as she slowly pushed her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. She walked over to Dean and simply hugged him burying her face in his grey t-shirt. He brought his arms up slightly from his sides surprised by her sudden act of affection. Up until now, she had barely shown any interest concerning anything or anyone including himself and Sam or even Castiel who she had been thrilled about meeting only weeks before.
Dean slowly wrapped his arms around her. He could feel her warmth in his arms. There was a sense of relief garnered by her presence. She was alive and safe, and in that moment all was right with the world as far as he was concerned.
"I'm so sorry. I am so very sorry Charlie," Dean whispered in her ear.
Her arms tightened around his torso as he spoke. He found himself holding her even tighter when he realized she was quietly crying into his t-shirt.
"It's okay. It's okay. You're going to be okay," Dean whispered into her ear over and over again.
Then as suddenly as Dean had found himself being embraced by her, she now pulled herself out of his arms. Dean didn't like the sudden cold emptiness it left him with. It made him uneasy, like he had lost her all over again.
"I'm sorry," Charlie started. "I'm having a really hard time trying to deal with um...with...what...with how I...um..." Her voice cracked as she spoke.
Dean cupped her face in his hands. "Charlie it's okay. What happened to you isn't something you can forget. Ever. You do not need to apologize for anything. You've done nothing wrong. Do you understand?"
Dean's voice was soft but stern as he spoke to her. Charlie squeezed her eyes shut fighting back an onslaught of more tears. When she did finally open them, Dean saw sheer terror and desperation encompassing them.
"He smiled when he killed me." Charlie said.
Dean felt sick as she spoke. Her voice was dripping with raw emotion, and when her voice broke at the words, 'he killed me', it killed Dean a thousand times over.
Charlie suddenly felt panic rise up from the pit of her stomach and invade every part of her body, every part of her mind, every part of her soul as the memories replayed in her mind's eye yet again. Styne had trapped her in the bathroom. She knew her chances of surviving the encounter were slim to none when she saw him angrily bust down the door. He was covered in blood. His eyes were wild, crazy eyes, dripping in sin and hate and death. The sudden image was a powerful one and the fear it induced coursed through her veins rampantly. She had the sudden urge to throw up.
Dean saw the panicked expression plastered across her face. His concern hit a new high if that were even possible.
He immediately pulled Charlie back into his arms and held her shaking body against his. He was very familiar with the kind of pain and anguish Charlie was feeling. Back all those years, the memories of his own torment in hell had sent him into a tailspin of guilt, despair, and depression. For a long time he was utterly broken. He had barely survived. If it hadn't been for his brother Sam, and friends along the way, he would have been lost long ago. And now it was Charlie walking down that same agonizing road. He wasn't sure what had exactly transpired between Styne and her other than the obvious, and he hated thinking about it. He immediately chased those thoughts away and instead turned to one thought in particular. He would not let her lose her way. He was going to make damn well sure she would find her way back no matter what.
2 HOURS LATER
Castiel and Sam were in the Men of Letters research library speaking in deliberate hushed tones with one another. They stopped in mid conversation when they noticed Dean and Charlie walk in. Dean gave Sam a look: Charlie may be up and about, but she most certainly was not herself.
"Hey Charlie, your up." Sam was happy to see her finally making it out of her room. He quickly walked over and gave her a long protectivelike hug before he pulled away.
"Hey Sam." She gave him a soft smile as her eyes fell past Sam's shoulder to Castiel. Castiel walked over slowly and asked how she was doing in a low gravelly voice.
"I'm alive. Thanks to you." Charlie answered. She was forever in his debt.
Castiel looked somewhat sheepish. "Your welcome. I couldn't let you stay dead. We're best friends, remember?" He took a step towards her, "But how are you really doing?"
Charlie looked both confused and embarrassed by the question and hesitated, uncertain of how to respond without it being a bold faced lie. She didn't want them to worry any more than they had been, but it was obvious she was having a tough time.
"Not great." She laughed nervously. "But after what happened...," her voice trailed off as she looked around noticing all the books strewn across the library tables.
"You remember everything?" Castiel asked stressing in particular the word 'everything'.
Charlie's expression fell slightly. She hadn't expected another probing question. She looked up to Castiel, his blue eyes burning into hers.
"I think so." She responded.
"Your not sure?" Castiel probed further as if he did not get the answer he wanted.
She looked at him curiously. "I'd be afraid if there was more."
Castiel seemed to finally back off with the questions. "I'm sorry Charlie."
Castiel felt terrible that he hadn't been more vigilante about her whereabouts that night. Guilt continued to gnaw at him. He brought his two fingers to her forehead. "I could quiet those memories for awhile at least." Castiel asked hopeful he could help her in any way.
"No, don't!" Charlie protested suddenly.
Castiel looked taken back. "I'm sorry. I just thought it would help. That's all," he muttered.
Dean placed his hand on Charlie's shoulder. "It's ok." He turned her around to face him. "Nothing will happen that you don't want ok? You got that?" He looked at her calmly in an effort to ease her mind. She nodded. She trusted Dean and heeded his words.
"I just reacted." Charlie turned back to Castiel hoping she didn't hurt his feelings. "I'm sorry." She looked back to Dean shaking her head. "I just need to concentrate on something else. Or I'm gonna lose my frakking mind, if I haven't already."
"Are you hungry?" Dean asked without missing a beat.
"No." She answered honestly.
Charlie didn't like the look on Dean's face when she said it or the way he eyed her intently afterwards. She looked exhausted. She had dark circles beneath her eyes and her hair hadn't been combed in days. She looked paler than usual, shaky and appeared as if she were about to collapse.
"You haven't eaten in days Charlie." Dean stressed. Charlie only shrugged her shoulders in response. "And you could stand to use a shower." Dean added matter of factly.
"Hey, I don't stink." Charlie said defensively. She made a slight motion sniffing her armpit. "Not really."
"Come on. You want a distraction. You need to get some food in you. And a long hot shower might clear your head. Hopefully eating and showering will put you in the right state of mind for a good nights sleep."
"You sound like my mother." Charlie retorted
Dean smiled. "I'll take that as a compliment."
Charlie tilted her head as she eyed Dean debating the merit of his suggestions. Dean smirked at her.
"Please?" Dean pleaded.
Charlie rolled her eyes. "Oh alright. But I can't promise anything." Charlie begrudgingly headed towards the kitchen.
"I'll be right there." Dean called after her.
Dean turned to Sam and Castiel when he was sure Charlie was out of ear shot.
"She's barely holding it together." Dean shook his head obviously upset."What that asshat Styne did to her makes me wish I could put a bullet to his head all over again."
Sam looked at his brother worriedly. "She's strong Dean." Sam voiced. "She'll get through this. It's just gonna take some time."
"You don't get it Sam. Styne murdered her. And I don't just mean physically. "He killed her here," Dean pointed to his heart, "and he killed her here." Dean pointed to his head.
"I can see it in her eyes."
The three of them stood quietly not knowing what to say or do. Even though she was back, they still felt as if they were mourning her.
MINUTES LATER
Charlie had rummaged through the pantry and fridge, and made herself a sandwich with what she could find. She opened one of the utensil draws and grabbed a knife to cut the crust off her sandwich, something her mother used to do when she was a child.
As she walked back to the table she noticed a glint of light reflected on the knife's blade. Every step she took suddenly became more difficult than the last until she could no longer move. The glint was mesmerizing. She couldn't take her eyes off the blade. She brought the knife closer turning it in the light in the ceiling. The way Styne had turned it in the light. She grabbed the blade with her other hand, slowly tightening her fingers around it. Blood began to seep between them. She closed her eyes as her breath become more rapid. This was a new memory: the way the overhead light in the motel bathroom reflected in the blade Styne was holding. It reminded her of the knife in her hands now.
In these new memories though, she could see Styne's lips moving but couldn't make out what he was saying. Why had she not remembered it like the other moments? Her hand tightened around the blade further breaking the skin in the palm, as she tried to remember but Charlie never felt it, she was too far gone inside her own thoughts.
"Charlie?"
Startled by Dean's voice, she quickly brought the blade down in a defensive stance as she turned to face him.
"Whoa whoa!" Dean exclaimed bringing up his hands towards her.
He quickly noticed blood dripping from her hand as she gripped the knife, her knuckles turning white. Dean quickly placed his hands over hers bringing the blade down and pulling it from her grip.
"Hey," Dean whispered. "It's ok. It's just me."
Dean set the knife down on the table beside them never taking his eyes off her. Her eyes followed the blade. She looked disoriented. He took hold of her hand with blood pooling in her palm. Charlie was quiet. She didn't seem to even notice her injury. Gingerly holding her hand, Dean guided her towards the kitchen sink and moved her hand under the faucet, turned it on and ran a trickle of water over her palm slowly washing away the blood. He carefully inspected her hand. The cut was long but not terribly deep. Just then Sam walked in. His eyes were immediately drawn to the blood on Dean's hands.
"Dean? What happened?" Sam asked surprised, his eyes darting back and forth between Dean and Charlie.
"It's Charlie's blood. She cut herself." Dean exchanged a look with Sam conveying in one look that something had happened but he didn't know what.
"Charlie?" Sam looked back to Charlie.
They both looked at her for an explanation, but she gave none. She stared at nothing in particular, her eyes appearing dazed and unseeing. Dean, still holding on to Charlie's hand, reverted his attention to a drawer next to the sink. He opened it and pulled out a clean dish towel. He gently wrapped it around Charlie's hand in efforts to stop the bleeding.
"I'll get the first aid kit." Sam said.
Dean nodded as he watched his brother hurry out of the kitchen. He then looked back to Charlie. He led her back to a chair by the kitchen table and sat her down. He sat down across from her.
"Charlie?" Dean tried again to pull her out of her reverie, and to his surprise, she responded by turning towards his voice and making eye contact. He brushed back a few strands of hair that had fallen over her eyes. They looked conflicted, so very conflicted. "What happened?" He asked calmly.
"I needed a knife," she half smiled as she spoke, "...for my sandwich." She looked down at her injured hand, surprised by the blood seeping through the cloth.
She looked back up to Dean frowning. Sam came in just then. He dragged a chair up to the both of them and sat down placing the kit on his lap. He opened it and pulled out some items. He looked to Dean who placed Charlie's hand in his. Sam unwrapped the makeshift bandage and inspected her wound.
"Doesn't look too bad. Just let me know if I'm doing something that's hurting, ok?" Sam asked. Charlie nodded slowly, still frowning.
"I wanted to cut the crusts off." Charlie continued. "So I grabbed a knife." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Then I remembered something." She looked back at the knife on the table. "His knife. It was small like that one. It reflected the light much like this one did in here." Dean and Sam shifted uncomfortably in their seats having no idea what to expect. Charlie eyes darted back and forth. "Why can't I remember the rest?" She sounded frustrated.
"Remember what Charlie?" Sam asked gently.
"I thought I remembered everything about that night. From the time he kicked down that damn door to my last breath. But now...," she swallowed hard, ..."there's something new I hadn't remembered before, and it's in my head, but I can't make sense of what I'm seeing."
She stared down at the floor looking rather anxious. Sam noted the sheer exhaustion shadowing her face and the subtle way she held herself, like some kind of injured animal. None of it looked good.
"Just relax, ok? Maybe if you sleep on it, it'll come back to you." Dean suggested. "Just give it time." Dean shot a glance to Sam, who looked just as worried as he felt. He had no idea where this road she was on was going to take her, or them.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER. EVENING.
Dean checked in on Charlie who to his surprise was lying in bed awake. She was on her side, one hand underneath the pillow her head lay on and the other twirling strands of her red hair between her fingers. Dean knocked on the already half open door.
"Hey." Dean walked in and dragged a desk chair up to her bed and sat himself down opposite her.
He leaned forward placing his elbows on his thighs with clasped hands. She looked almost gaunt and with little color on her cheeks. Her blue eyes looked as if they had turned black in the dimmed light, and her lips were dry and starting to crack. The exhaustion on her face was growing with each passing day.
Charlie sat up rolling her eyes. "Stop staring at me like that."
"Like what?" Dean asked defensively.
"Like I'm damaged goods. Like your trying to figure out how to fix me."
Dean looked down to his hands measuring his next words carefully.
"You're not damaged Charlie, but you're not you either." He raised his head back up locking eyes with hers. "You're trying to find your way back and the obstacles your having to overcome to get there..." Dean sat up slightly as he continued. "Look, I've been where you are. I've seen things, experienced things that I thought I'd never come back from. But luckily Sam and Bobby and Cas were there for me in their own ways. I didn't realize it then, but if it hadn't been for them pushing me and hounding me and challenging me to keep fighting, I would have never made it. They loved me enough to get me to where I needed to be, kicking and screaming the whole god damned way."
Charlie remained quiet for a moment. "Yeah, you are a bit of a drama queen, aren't you?" Charlie sounded serious, but it took Dean off-guard and it made him laugh a genuine laugh.
"I think Sam would agree." He looked back to Charlie.
There was a subtle smile starting to play on her lips. He hoped he was getting through to her. Dean got up and sat down beside her.
"My point is that Sam and I are here for you. We will not let you walk down this road alone. You've gone above and beyond for us. Jesus Charlie, you've died twice for me. That's family to me. And we would do anything for family."
"You got me at family," she whispered.
"That's my girl. By the way, you're stubborn as hell." He added as he pulled her close to him wrapping his arms around her.
Charlie gave a small smile. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of all the hugging."
"I'm discovering I'm a hugger at heart." Dean smiled.
"Funny guy." Charlie quipped.
Just then Sam walked in holding a tray jammed packed with a variety of food and drinks. Dean and Charlie pulled apart both focusing their attention on Sam.
"What's all this?" Charlie asked.
"First step on your road to recovery." Sam responded.
"Thanks, but..." Charlie started to protest.
"No buts." Sam's voice was stern. "You've barely eaten or have had much to drink since you...well you know...were brought back from the dead."
They all paused for a moment as they looked at each other. The statement, even to them, with everythng they had seen and experienced, still sounded insane.
"Guys..." Charlie protested.
Sam placed the tray on her nightstand. "Charlie, we (pointing to himself and Dean) are not leaving this room until you eat at least half?" Sam looked to Dean questioningly.
"At least that." Dean responded.
"Half? Dudes, I'm not Pacman! Guys maybe later..."
Sam cut her off "Hey. You need to keep your strength up. Starving yourself isn't helping you."
Charlie picked at the food. She didn't know why. She usually had a huge appetite, but now it felt like her body was on lockdown. Like it wanted to starve itself and snuff out everything she was feeling.
"Baby steps." Dean quipped.
NEXT DAY. EARLY MORNING
Dean woke with a crick in his neck. He grimaced as he pulled himself into a sitting position. He looked at his watch. 8:20am. Late by his standards. He forced himself out of bed, showered, didn't feel like shaving, so didn't, and dressed. Dean rolled his flannel sleeves up, unintentionally looking down at his forearm. It was odd seeing skin unmarred by the Mark of Cain. He hadn't told Charlie that the Mark was now gone. The right opportunity hadn't presented itself. Or about Rowena and the Book or the black smoke or Amara: all of which seem to disappear, and not having a clue where to start, everything had taken a back seat temporarily.
Whatever danger there was had made itself impossible to track and find for the time being. Cas was out looking for anything that would clue them into what was going on. Rowena hid herself well for the time being. That was a dead end. And with Charlie back, honestly, a small part of Dean didn't care about all those things. He just wanted to focus on her. Make sure this mess they had gotten her into didn't completely ruin her.
He stopped by Charlie's room only to find it empty. He checked the bathroom and kitchen and still nothing. He was getting a little worried. He eventually found her in the library with Cas. They were seated at one of the tables talking.
"Hey, you're back Cas." Dean stated as he climbed the steps into the library. Cas stood up nervously.
"Yes, I thought I'd check on Charlie here. Make sure everything was okay." Castiel walked up to Dean and in a hushed tone whispered, "I might have said some things I shouldn't have. I didn't realize she didn't know."
Charlie slowly stood up, folding her arms across her chest. She looked irritated.
"Dean," she said.
Dean quickly looked back over to Castiel and silently mouthed, "What did you do?" When he turned back around to Charlie she was only inches from him. "Oh, hey, there Charlie!" Dean took a step back.
Charlie took hold of his arm, and yanked at his rolled up sleeve. She stared down at nothing but unmarred skin. She blew out her breath.
"The Mark is gone." She let go of his arm. "And the Darkness? When were you going to tell me?"
"I promise you Charlie, Sam and I had every intention of telling you, but when you came back, you barely spoke, you barely ate, you barely slept. The last thing we wanted to do was bury you in all this other bullshit on top of it." Dean explained.
Charlie took a step back and turned away from Dean. "I guess we all do what we believe we have to do. I can't fault you for that. After all, didn't I do the same thing?" Charlie let out a long groan. "Why is this business always so damned complicated?"
"Complicated actually makes me hungry." Dean wanted to change the subject. Everything that was happening as a result of the removal of the Mark was so completely out of their control at the moment. And it frustrated him to no end.
"I'm gonna grab a bite to eat? Anyone want anything?" Dean asked.
LATER THAT DAY
"What did you see?" Charlie asked in earnest. The look on Castiel's face scared her. He looked surprised and conflicted as he brought down his hand from her forehead. The new memories she was experiencing were confusing and disorienting for her. Thinking about them made her feel even more nauseated and very uneasy. They were somehow even more traumatic, if that were even possible.
"Cas?" Charlie pressed.
"Your mind blocked these memories for a reason." Castiel said.
"What are you talking about?" She questioned as Dean walked in.
"Your mind is protecting you." Castiel said.
"It didn't protect me from remembering being murdered. And what the hell is worse than that?! Why are these memories different? Tell me what it is." Charlie demanded.
"Charlie, I don't think it's my place. You will remember when you are ready to remember." Castiel told her.
"No, that's not good enough. The memories are already there. I just...," she sighed, "I just can't seem to sort through these particular ones. That's why I need your help." Charlie said anxiously.
Up until now, Dean had watched the exchange quietly as an uneasiness started to grow in the pit of his stomach.
"I can't help you if you are not ready for help." Castiel said.
Charlie rolled her eyes. "I just told you I need your help." She sounded exasperated.
Dean interrupted. "Charlie, can I talk to Cas for a second?" Dean was familiar with the look on Cas's face. Whatever Cas had seen, it wasn't good.
"What? Now?" Charlie asked incredulously.
Dean took a step towards her placing a hand on her shoulder. "Please?" Dean implored.
"No," she answered. "He's going to tell me what he knows Dean, aren't you Cas?" Charlie turned her attention back to Castiel.
Castiel sighed. "Perhaps I should."
Dean looked between the two of them. His first concern was Charlie's current emotional state. She was already having difficulty dealing with what happened and trying to cope and come to terms with her experience. Secondly, according to Cas the memories Charlie was having difficulty sorting through now, were apparently worse than being viciously murdered. She could barely cope with the former, how the hell was she going to cope with the latter.
"Cas," Dean grabbed Castiel's arm and led him away, "...we need to talk. Now."
"Dean!" Charlie called out with a harsh tone.
Dean gave her a look to stay put. "Charlie just give us a second, okay?"
Dean pulled Cas into one of the hallways. "What the hell are you doing? I know that look. You look deeply troubled maybe even disturbed. Whatever it is, maybe you should just hold off for her sake."
"No. Maybe she's right. Maybe she is ready." Castiel said before he started to walk away but Dean caught his trench coat's sleeve and pulled him back.
"What did you see?" Dean demanded.
"I don't think that is something I should share. It's private. Only she should divulge that information." Castiel said.
"Cas," Dean glanced back in Charlie's direction. "How bad is it?"
"I do not know, but as I understand it, it is a very traumatic experience." Castiel remarked.
That statement made Dean's blood run cold. Castiel started to head back but Dean blocked him.
"Cas, no offense, but you suck at breaking bad news. Just tell me first and I'll figure out a way to break it to her gently." Dean had a bad feeling about this.
"There is no easy way to break it to her gently. Not this." Castiel's tone went heavy.
"Come on Cas, let me help." Dean asked.
"Whichever route we follow, the news won't be any less devastating." Castiel professed. Dean simply stared at Cas with an ever growing scowl that Castiel had now come to associate with anger.
"And if she decides to not tell us?" Dean asked.
"That will be her choice then." Castiel answered.
EARLY EVENING
"They can't know about this."
"Charlie they care about you." Castiel reminded her.
Charlie closed her eyes. She felt a great weight pressing down on her chest which made it difficult to breathe. She was trying to keep it together for fear that if she showed her true feelings to Castiel that he would tell the brothers out of fear for her safety and well being. Castiel had been in her mind, and in her thoughts seeing her memories and bringing them to light so she could make sense of them herself. And what she saw left her completely numb and dumbfounded.
"Are you alright?" Castiel asked Charlie.
"...no." She answered point blank. She was desperately trying to reconcile what she remembered mentally and how she was feeling emotionally. Right now she felt dazed and couldn't get a handle on anything.
"Maybe if you talk to Dean. You two seem to be close. He would be there for you." Castiel suggested.
Charlie only shook her head, "I don't know."
She was not used to sharing personal information with anyone much less with something like this. She had to go somewhere where she could be alone where she could just lose complete emotional control if she had or needed to and not be concerned about anyone looking over her shoulder, watching her every move and worrying about every little thing she did.
Castiel was familiar with the indecision he could see playing in her eyes. She stood up from the table and turned away from him.
"You saw everything?" Charlie asked Castiel.
Castiel hesitated for a moment. "Yes. I am so sorry Charlie." She caught his eyes for a moment. They looked pained and remorseful. She hated that it was because of her.
"Please," she turned to him, "please don't share this with either of them, okay? Promise me?" Castiel placed his hand on her shoulder hearing the panic in her voice.
"I promise, Charlie." Castiel swore.
She stopped to wipe tears that now fell from her cheeks. "I might tell them. Just not now. Maybe not for a long time or maybe tomorrow or maybe never. I just don't know right now." Her voice broke slightly.
"I could wipe the memories completely. You would be in peace." Castiel offered.
"That would be an option, but if I did that, everything from that point would all be a lie, wouldn't it?" She looked up to Castiel sadly.
"You're very wise." Castiel gazed at her for a moment. "I'm so sorry Charlie."
"The only one who should be sorry is that sadistic douchewad who did this." Charlie said.
She felt lost not having a clue as to what to do now. All she knew with certainty, at that point, was how she felt. Broken. So completely broken.
A SHORT WHILE LATER
"Hey Cas, what happened?" Sam asked in ernest.
"I helped her see the truth of her memories." Castiel responded.
"And?" Sam pressed. Castiel stared back at Sam, his heart heavy as he shook his head.
Sam sighed worriedly. "Where is she now?"
"She left." Castiel said.
"What? What do you mean left? When?" Dean sounded surprised and irritated as he stood up from his chair and came up from behind Sam.
"A short while ago. She said she needed to be alone." Castiel said.
"Alone?" Dean snorted. "Last time she went off alone, she got killed."
"I couldn't stop her. It was her choice." Castiel defended.
"Like hell you couldn't. Where is she?" Dean immediately responded.
"I don't know, Dean." Castiel answered.
"Well find her! Find her now!" Dean's voice growing upset by the second.
"Dean..." Sam interceded.
"Sam, god help me if you say Cas has a point I'll..."
"No, no I agree she shouldn't be out there alone right now. If she left a short while ago she couldn't have gotten far. Look her place is close by. Maybe she went there. We can check it out first." Sam suggested.
"Yeah, you go there." Dean replied looking like he was in deep thought.
"What about you Dean?" Sam asked.
"There's one place she might go." Dean motioned to both of them. "Keep in touch."
HALF HOUR LATER
"I found her." Dean sat in the Impala in some parking lot as he spoke into his cell.
"Where?" Sam's voice sounded rather loud through Dean's cell phone.
Dean peered out the windshield of the Impala. "Where it all went down. The Blackbird Motel." Sam could hear relief mixed in with a sobering quality in Dean's tone.
"I'm on my way." Sam told his brother.
BLACKBIRD MOTEL 9:30pm
Charlie stood inside the motel room for a long time after she had entered. The room was reverted back to its former glory of 70's chic hip. The doors had been fixed and everything else had been either fixed, tossed out or replaced. She felt sick and terrified and for the life of her she couldn't figure out why she had returned to this god forsaken place, other than the fact that she felt drawn there. Maybe it was to get closure she felt she so desperately needed. Maybe she had a morbid curiosity. Whatever the reason, there was no other place for her to go but there.
She took one slow step at a time. One foot in front of the other until she reached the bathroom. She pushed open the door. Her eyes slowly swept across one end of the small room to the other. Seconds turned into minutes and she felt trapped all over again.
She wanted to scream until she had no voice left. No heart left. No soul left. She wanted to run from this place but her feet felt heavy and stuck. It took everything she had to push herself to take another step inside the bathroom. She took a deep breath and took another step and then another until she reached the tub.
The light overhead still flickered eerily like it did that night as she stared at the wall in front of her. She reached out trailing her fingers along it's surface. As she did, she felt a surge of panic rise up from her gut. It was the wall Styne had trapped her against. The wall where he had raped her before he killed her.
Charlie started to shake uncontrollably as she crumpled to the bathroom floor. The memories flooded her senses all over again. Her chest heaved erratically as she sucked in shaky breath after shaky breathe. She remained a motionless heap on the floor, as she cried in silence for a long time.
"Charlie? You in there?"
Charlie looked up when she heard a knock on the door immediately followed by Dean's voice.
"Charlie? Hey open up." Dean's knocking was loud and unapologetic. "We know you're in there. Come on. Let us in. Please."
Charlie shook her head and took a deep breath before she made her way to the door. She stopped to wipe her tears on her shirt, took a deep breath and then opened the door. Dean and Sam stood side by side in the door frame, with the streetlight glowing at their backs.
"How did you find me?" Charlie asked surprised.
"I had a hunch." Dean retorted as he brushed past her and into the motel room followed by Sam.
"What are you guys doing here?" Charlie asked with uncertainty.
Dean turned to face her. "I was about to ask you the same thing." They could see her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. "You snuck off without a word. Nothing. You just left." Dean said irritated.
She let out a deep sigh. "I just needed to be alone and think. Clear my head." Charlie insisted.
"So you came here. To this motel. To this room. To clear your head after what happened here?" Dean asked still sounding irritated.
"After Castiel helped me to make sense of my memories...yes." She responded.
"Yeah, and exactly what were those memories?" Dean questioned.
Charlie closed her eyes briefly as she rubbed the bridge of her nose with her fingers. She turned away shaking her head as she tried to figure out what to do. She wanted to tell them the truth and not hide it. Nothing like a lie to imprison you, but she was scared. Scared that it would change things. Change how they would look at her, and how they would treat her as a result. She knew it would hurt them too, and she also knew they would blame themselves to no end.
The part that really scared her though, was she had no idea how to deal with what had happened. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to feel one emotion in particular or all of them or none of them. Or what she was supposed to do to get through it. The only thing she could do was follow her heart, and that was what had led her back to the Blackbird.
"Charlie," Sam spoke. "We're here because we're worried about you. After everything we have been through together...," Sam sighed. "We're family. The last thing we want is for you to be alone in this."
Charlie heard Sam loud and clear, but she was still so torn and lost. She turned slowly around looking back into the bathroom.
Images flashed across her mind's eye of her being pushed against the wall with Styne. He had grabbed her sword by the blade, not the handle. She remembered the blood that sprang between his fingers as he yanked it from her grip.
Charlie squeezed her eyes closed trying to push the images down deep.
Styne was angry she didn't have the book. So angry. He looked at her with a sickening smile. "This whole thing doesn't have to be a complete waste of my time." He whispered in her ear. "I'm sure we can find something else that you have that I want. Make it worth my time and all."
"Alright. Alright. I'll tell you, but only on certain conditions." Charlie told the brothers.
Dean had a inkling of a realization start digging into his brain as he listened carefully to the tone in her voice. He looked to Sam who stood quietly beside them wearing an odd expression on his face.
"First condition is that after I tell you, you both leave." Charlie stated.
"What?" Dean turned back to Charlie. "Leave you here?" Flabbergasted, Dean tried to wrap his mouth around the words. "No way in hell." Dean was not budging.
"Dean.." Charlie responded.
"We are not leaving you alone at the scene of your own murder!" Dean stressed.
"I just need some time alone." Charlie started.
"You can have all the alone time you need back at the Bunker." Dean proclaimed.
"Yeah, with you watching my every move. Did I eat enough? Sleep enough? Drink enough? Where am I? Where am I not? You know as well as I do it's not the same thing." Charlie exclaimed.
Another image flashed across her mind. It was of herself screaming as Styne blocked her legs forcing them apart with his. He had pressed himself against her, while his hand trailed in a lingering fashion over her body stopping at her hips and then roughly tugging at her jeans.
Again, she squeezed her eyes closed trying to swallow the rest of that memory. Charlie spoke more quickly with a sense of urgency now nipping at her heels. She was losing control. She wanted them to leave.
"You won't look at me differently. You won't treat me differently. I'll still be the geeky, LARPing, computer savvy, Moondoor queen happy go lucky Charlie..." Her words sounded hallow.
Dean didn't say a word as she spoke. He felt sick. He looked down to the carpet closing his eyes and catching his breath. His heart raced at his sudden revelation. The night they had found her in the tub, he had noticed her cloths torn and buttons ripped off. He had assumed it was from the struggle between Styne and Charlie, but had been too devastated to give it any further thought. But now, things clicked as Dean thought back to Styne asking if he wanted to know what he had done to Charlie. Then Dean remembered Cas's words; a very traumatic experience in his reference to Charlie's buried memories. Dean felt utterly nauseated. Somewhere deep deep down he had suspected, but he couldn't fathom it. Now, he had no choice.
Dean knew. And judging from the expression on Sam's face, he knew too.
Dean quickly intervened. "Charlie, don't. You don't have to tell us anything that you aren't ready to share."
"What?" Charlie asked confused by his sudden change in direction.
"It's okay." Dean reassured her as he walked up to her and tentatively placed his hand on her shoulder. "We'll go, but we'll be back first thing tomorrow morning to get you. Or sooner if you need. Those are MY conditions." He leaned his forehead against hers. "Whatever you need kiddo, kay?"
Somewhat surprised by the Dean's sudden reversal in opinion, Charlie whispered a sincere thank you. She was relieved as she watched them quietly walk out the door, leaving her all alone to her treacherous memories.
BACK IN THE IMPALA
Dean and Sam sat in the Impala with an eerily silence hovering between them. The idea washed over them in a sickly manner, leaving both of them feeling angery and torn.
"Styne." Dean said finally breaking the silence.
Sam hesitated as he stared at the dashboard in front of him.
"He raped her... before he killed her." Sam's voice was rough and unsettled. It sounded like it hurt to say the words. He shook his head disgustedly. "We need to go back in there, let her know that there's nothing..."
"No...no..no." Dean protested. "She doesn't need to know we know. You saw how relunctant she was to tell us. How devastated she looked." Dean stared back the motel. "Let's leave that choice to her, okay?"
They were both quiet for a long while before Sam spoke again.
"We shouldn't have left her in there alone. What if she does something..." Sam was exasperated. "We should go back."
Dean paused for a long moment before he answered. "God knows I'm fighting every instinct not too, but closure, Sammy. She's trying to get closure."
Dean pushed himself back into the Impala's bench seat and tried to get comfortable. "We're not going anywhere tonight."
NEXT DAY. EARLY MORNING.
Sam woke to Dean poking at his shoulder.
"Hey...hey wake up..." There was a sense of urgency in Dean's voice which pulled Sam's right out of his sleepy state.
"What time is it man?" Sam asked groggily.
"I can't find Charlie." Dean said.
That made Sam bolt up in his seat. "What are you talking about?"
"I went to go check on her. To see if she was okay and ready to go and she's not in there." Dean explained rapidly.
"Just calm down Dean, okay? Maybe she went to get some coffee or something to eat at the diner down the road." Sam suggested.
"I checked. No one has seen her." Dean looked upset but before Sam could reply, Dean jumped back about two feet.
"Hey bitches." Charlie stood behind him wondering what all the fuss was about.
"Charlie!" Dean exclaimed as he grabbed her and hugged her. He pulled back, " Where the hell have you been? I've been looking all over for you!"
Charlie looked to Sam and then back to Dean curiously. "I went for a walk. Get some fresh air."
"Without telling us?" Dean asked shocked.
Charlie laughed. "Maybe I should start wearing one of those tracker devices. That way you can better manage your anxiety levels."
Dean just stared at her, trying to comprehend her comment. He looked worried, but after a second his expression softened slightly.
"Ha ha." Dean relaxed a bit as he regarded her expression. It hinted at a small assemblage of herself and it was somewhat calming for him to see.
"You, okay?" Sam asked as he opened the door to the Impala and got out of the front passenger side.
"Umm...not really, but..." she looked to both the brothers shrugging her shoulders. "I got tired of crying and moping and just being an all-around basket case. Figured I'd take a snack break."
Sam gave her a squeeze on the shoulder. "It'll do you some good. Are you hungry?"
Charlie sighed. "I could use some coffee I suppose."
"Coffee it is. Come on." Sam wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they headed towards the diner with Dean following close behind.
AT THE DINER
"So this Darkness is here now?" Charlie asked.
"Apparently," Dean commented as he took a huge bite from a big juicy burger.
"Everything seems so normal." Charlie looked around the diner scrutinizing the other patrons. She looked out the window and scanned the sky. It was blue and cloudless. The sun was bright and hot.
"Figured it would be ...darker...I guess."
She turned back to Dean as he finished chewing and took another bite of his burger. "It's kinda like waiting for the boogeyman to just jump out at you when you least expect it." Charlie said.
"I know. It's a little unnerving." Sam responded.
"Hey, you've barely touched your meal." Dean gave Charlie a look.
She laughed. "You remind me of my mother. She used to give me a similar look."
"It's all the practice I got with Sammy. He always picked at his food growing up. I was always bending over backwards trying to get him to eat more." Dean took another bite, "Now look at him all big and strong and strapping." Dean spoke with a full mouth causing his words to sound a bit jumbled.
"Yeah, Dean is best when he is Mother Hen." Sam chuckled at the thought. Dean faked laughed with him and then quickly segued into a serious look.
Charlie had slowly lost herself in thought as they bantered. She had found it hard to remain focused much of the time these last several days and today was no different. She had pushed herself hard to go through her memories of what happened. She was terrified of her memories, but what was that saying? Face head on what you fear? She wanted to face every memory, every moment, no matter how horrifying and terrifying they were. She refused to be imprisoned by them.
She remembered feeling his hot breath on her neck. He kissed her roughly as he tore her shirt and grabbed her breast all the while still holding the knife.
Charlie flinched at the memory and accidentally knocked over her coffee mug in the process.
"Whoa..." Sam stood up and grabbed a napkin quickly wiping the hot split coffee before it reached Charlie's lap. "Charlie?"
Sam called to her. When there was no response Sam and Dean quickly glanced at one another. She was oblivious to the coffee spilling. In fact, her breathing seemed to become more rapid, and her face was growing paler by the second. They both noticed and it was alarming.
"Charlie? Hey Charlie? Charlie...," Dean's voice was stern sounding and a little louder than he had intended. Some of the other patrons turned around talking about them under their breath as they stared. Dean paid them no mind as he reached over and shook her shoulder. She reverted her eyes to Dean. She may have been looking at him but her eyes certainly weren't with him. Wherever she was, the turmoil in her eyes told Dean she was terrified.
Charlie blinked back tears as her memory refused to let go.
She had tried pushing him off her with everything she had, but he wouldn't budge. Styne had only laughed at her efforts, as his hand gripped again harshly at her jeans pulling them downward. She closed her eyes as her body started to shake. His voice was clear in her ears, "Your going to wish you were dead when I finish Red. And I'll be happy to oblige."
"No!" Charlie's practically screamed as she abruptly stood up from her chair. Her breathing was still heavy as she took in her surroundings.
"Charlie," Sam said calmly. She looked up to him. "Hey honey, why don't we go outside for some fresh air, ok?"
She grabbed Sam's hand as if it were a lifeline. He guided her away from the table and towards the entrance. Dean pulled out a couple of bills from his wallet and dropped them on the table. He gave a short smile to a passing waitress before he followed them out.
Outside, Dean found Sam leaning against the trunk of the Impala while Charlie paced back and forth in front of him. He walked straight up to Charlie.
"You okay?" Dean asked with obvious concern.
She didn't answer. She only continued to pace back and forth.
"What happened back there?" Sam asked gently.
Charlie shook her head as she brought her hands to her forehead for a brief moment before she brushed her hair back with her fingers. She looked in obvious distress.
"I...I," she stuttered.
She stopped pacing and leaned against the Impala next to Sam but with her hands on the trunk hood.
"Damn it!" She was angry that Styne was still taking control of her even from the grave. "That bastard...," she muttered as she hit the trunk hood with hands balled into fists. "Doing what he did..."
Sam glanced at his brother, feeling awkward. She was breaking, and they both knew it. She looked to Dean and Sam, desperate urgency in her eyes.
"He promised that when he was done, I'd beg for death." She said with a shaky voice. "And I did."
"Charlie...," Dean's voice broke knowing full well what she was referencing.
She ignored him. "He raped me." She blurted out, "and then he killed me like I was some sort of trash."
Her words hung in the quiet morning air. She squeezed her eyes closed as she took in a long deep breath. Dean's eyes welled as he looked to Sam. He couldn't stand seeing her hurt so much.
"Charlie," Charlie backed away as Sam moved towards her. "Charlie, we're so sorry..."
"Just don't!" Charlie warned. "Not you!" She faced Sam, her eyes hot with tears.
"You! Why did I listen to you? What was I thinking? This whole thing about removing the Mark was insane!" She closed her eyes for a brief moment. "And the only reason, the ONLY reason I helped you was because I see you guys as family and the thought of losing that again...I just couldn't..." She fell silent for a moment. "I couldn't go through that again."
"Charlie..look..." Dean said softly.
"And you!" Charlie turned on Dean, clearly still angry. "I knew better than to go against what you wanted. But Dean, I love you and the thought of you living with that Mark and becoming some evil Dark Sith dick..."
Charlie never finished her sentence. Instead she suddenly pushed Dean as hard as she could and Dean took it. She hit him on his chest and he took it. She screamed and yelled at him and he took it. And when she pounded on him some more he never budged or said a word, he just took it.
And when she was spent and could do no more, her legs, no longer able to bare the weight of her trembling body, buckled and she sunk to her knees. She was breaking into a million tiny pieces and she didn't care. She wanted to break and she wanted to remain broken because she was no longer whole. Styne stole that from her outright, and at that very moment, she had no idea how to fix it. There was only one thing she knew for sure: she had wished the Winchesters had never brought her back. She wished she had stayed dead and gone for good.
Dean and Sam quietly crouched down beside her. They looked to each other somberly. They had never seen her like this. It scared them beyond measure. She was in so much pain and resembled nothing of the Charlie they had come to know and love. Tears fell from Dean's eyes as he pulled her into his arms. He held her as if both their lives depended on it.
He never wanted to let her go.
TBC