"Remind me why we're doing this?" Ezor said.

"As an exercise in strategizing."

"Yes," said Lotor. "Thank you, Acxa."

"So, what did you guys pick?" Ezor said.

"Hey!" Coran snapped. "No disclosure before we've started the game!"

"Well, is it gonna take you much longer? Because I wanna strategize myself to the kitchen or something right now."

"Just a few more tics," said Coran. "Don't you want the full experience of one of Coran's masterpiece campaigns?"

"I told you we should have brought snacks," Ezor said to Zethrid.

"No need," said Coran. "We're all set up now. So, remember to keep track of your notifications, and above all, be creative!"

He distributed the newly-minted game pieces.

"We'll start off in the tavern," he said. "What are you all doing in the tavern?"

"Eating."

"Drinking."

"Stealing."

"Entertaining."

"Excellent," said Coran. "Narti?" He checked his screen. "Narti is not in the tavern."

"Hey," Zethrid said. "You never said that was an option!"

"I never said it WASN'T an option."

"Oh, come on," Ezor smirked at her. "Like you'd be doing anything but drinking, anyway."

"Now, now," said Coran. "Remember the rules. We play as mean as we want to in the game, but in real life we play nice."

"Yeah," Zethrid said. "Do you WANT to know how mean we've played in real life?"

"No, I don't," said Coran. "But we're starting now. Everybody close your eyes. Yes, that means you, too. Now. It's a dark and precipitation-heavy night, and you've decided to go into Coran's Corpuscular Tavern."

"Really?" Zethrid said. "What kind of a name for a place is THAT?"

"A gay one," said Ezor.

"Oh. Okay."

"Ahem," Coran cleared his throat. "It's bright and warm in the tavern, with all sorts of people from all sorts of places. There's a large flomptoad roasting on the fire, and the whole place smells of it."

"Do you have to do this when I'm already hungry?" Ezor whined.

Coran kept on.

"The fire's being tended by a very gorgeous man, and another very gorgeous man is serving drinks at the bar. And there's a different gorgeous man going around waiting tables."

"All right, who are YOU guys picturing?" Ezor said.

"Uh…" said Zethrid. "How about Flemdak the Magnifcent?"

"No. The gorgeous men look like me," said Coran.

"Hmph," Ezor muttered. "What happened to all that imagination stuff?"

"I need you all on the same wavelength for the magic to happen," said Coran. "Are you all picturing a warm tavern full of gorgeous men?"

"That's asking an awful lot from THIS crew."

"Well, imagine harder. Let's begin."

The tavern was warm and full of gorgeous men.

Among them was a figure, darting between people and taking things out of their pockets.

At the table, it stopped.

"Oh my god, Acxa, is that YOU?"

Acxa looked up.

"Ezor. Hello."

"Look at your EARS!"

Acxa put a hand to one.

"You picked 'human,' didn't you," Ezor sat down next to her. "That's so cute. I gotta touch your ears."

Acxa sighed and put down her crust of bread.

"What are YOU supposed to be?" she asked Ezor.

"I'm an Ylil, which, if you'd read the MANUAL you'd know is a highly advanced reptile from Altean mythology."

"Did YOU read it, or did you just like the picture?"

"You know, I didn't come here to get insulted, I came here to… do other stuff."

"Yes. You're trying to go through my pockets while touching my ears to distract me."

"Dammit Acxa, do you have to take the fun out of EVERYTHING?"

"Do you have to keep touching my ears?"

"I'm not kidding that they're cute. Does EVERYTHING I do have to be suspicious?"

"It's not unprecedented."

Ezor scoffed and put her feet up on the table.

"Well anyway, Human Acxa. What brings you here?"

Acxa ripped a chunk of bread.

"I was abandoned on the steps of a monastery and raised as a member of the faith."

"Do you always begin conversations this way?"

"Uh…"

Ezor leaned back and stretched out her arms.

"I came here to steal shit and get rich. Sounds a bit more fun, huh?"

"But why?"

"Why NOT? How else am I gonna afford my castle?"

"What castle?"

"The one I haven't bought yet. But once I do, I won't have ANYBODY to mess with me." She leaned forward to grab something off Acxa's plate. "So. Which one do you suppose Zethrid is?"

Acxa checked the room.

"Probably whichever one doesn't have a mustache."

"Excuse you both, I'm right here," someone said beside them. It was an Altean, with dark skin and dark hair.

"No shit!" Ezor said. "That's YOU? And you're just listening in and not having any fun?"

"Who said I wasn't having fun?" Zethrid lifted her stein. "It's hilarious to watch you guys annoy each other."

"Yeah, and have you seen Acxa's little HUMAN EARS? Isn't she adorable?"

"Course she is," Zethrid ruffled Acxa's hair. "Didn't you want to be something taller?"

Acxa folded her arms.

"Didn't YOU want to be something STRONGER?"

Zethrid snorted.

"You haven't seen anything yet. So," she smacked the stein on the table. "Castle, huh?"

"You bet!" Ezor said. "There's gonna be food and servants and really thick walls. You wanna join me?"

"Depends," Zethrid said. "What's in it for ME?"

"We get to hang out."

"Sure. Great."

"Are you two supposed to know each other?" Acxa said. "This doesn't sound like an organic conversation."

"Oh, right," Ezor said. "We're 'practicing strategizing.' Hey Zethrid, what are you drinking?"

"I don't know, but it's probably not something you give to children."

"That would be nunvil!" somebody appeared beside them. It was a waiter who looked an awful lot like Coran. "Harvested from the early spring buds of the bafoopi tree and cured for seven phoebs in a moisture-controlled environment, it's also known as the nectar of the gods!"

"I didn't actually care that much," Ezor said.

"Oh, good, neither did I," said the man. "What I DO care about is a little quest I have for you all!"

"Can it make me rich?" Ezor said.

"Yes, it can," he said. "Intellectually and spiritually."

"Oh. Nah, I'm good."

Not-Coran laughed.

"That's what you say now, with your lack of intellectual and spiritual wealth."

"Story of my life, buddy."

"Well, perhaps your adventurous friends would like to take me up on this instead."

"No, they wouldn't," Ezor said. "My friends deserve way better than that. They're getting a castle."

"Without MY help?"

"Yeah, without your help. Hey, better go clean up that table over there. Looks like somebody broke a dish."

She nicked a coin from his pocket as he left.

"Man. When does this game start getting FUN?"

"It's not fun," Acxa said. "We're honing our problem-solving skills."

"Well, my current problem is that I'm bored," Ezor said. She looked around the room. "Who's that dork on the lyre? That's quite a rock he's got."

"Ezor, that's Lotor."

"What, do you have a backstory with him? Who's doing it wrong now?"

"Um…"

Ezor got up.

"Well, come on, let's go say hi. We gotta have SOMETHING interesting to do around here."

They crossed the tavern to the corner, where the lone minstrel was sitting.

"Good morrow, friends," he nodded at them. "Are you here with a request?"

"Sure," Ezor said. "How about 'Clargy Flizzwompers of the Morkablorks?'"

"I don't think I know that one," Lotor said.

"And you call yourself worldly."

"I haven't called myself anything," Lotor played a couple notes.

The waiter who looked like Coran came by.

"Another draught on the house, my good sir?"

Lotor waved a hand.

"Not for now, thank you."

"Well, I'LL take it," Ezor said.

"Sorry," said Not-Coran. "Performers only."

"Aww, man," Ezor pouted. "I want to get a job at a gay bar."

"Well, it's not quite a job," Lotor said. "I'm just passing through."

"Does anybody really PASS THROUGH a gay bar?"

Not-Coran made an indignant sound.

"I'll have you know that this tavern is heterosexual-inclusive!" he said.

"Yeah, but are there any HERE?"

The fire hissed loudly with flomptoad grease.

"Did I hear you say you had a quest to give?" Lotor asked the man.

Ezor made a face.

"Oh, come on, you want to take a quest from THIS guy? That free drink is worth more than whatever he'd pay us to do this. And I want my castle."

"It may not pay much," said the man. "But it's exciting and dangerous and a story for the ages!"

"I'm listening," Lotor said.

"I'm not," said Ezor. "Come on, Lotor, we always do what you wanna do. What about what we wanna do?"

Acxa looked between Lotor and Not-Coran.

"I'm not sure that's how this is supposed to work."

"Oh, loosen up, stuffy," Ezor thumped her on the back. "Can't Human Acxa be more fun than Normal Acxa?"

"I think she's Lawful Good," Zethrid said.

"Aw, fuck."

"Someone has to do it," Acxa said. "And I didn't expect it from either of YOU."

"Which 'either?'" Ezor said. "There's three of us."

"I think you know which 'either.'"

"Yeah," Ezor said. "THOSE two."

"Oh yeah?" Zethrid scoffed.

"I'm afraid I don't know what she's talking about," Lotor said. "Have you called upon divine sources for this information?"

"No," said Acxa. "But I could."

"Oh, that's cool," Zethrid said. "I just picked the spells that let me blow shit up to fuck."

"They're both valuable skills," Lotor said.

"Yeah," said Zethrid. "So, what can YOU do?"

It was that moment when Ezor reached from a blind spot and grabbed Lotor's amulet.

Nobody would have noticed her do it if she hadn't immediately dropped dead.

"What the FUCK?" Zethrid recoiled.

All the patrons looked over at the same time.

"Oh no, she's dead!"

And with that, they returned to their business.

Lotor gently slid the body to the floor.

"That is unfortunate."

"What… happened?" Acxa said.

"She touched something that didn't belong to her."

"Yeah," Zethrid said. "Do you want to tell us about that?"

"Not particularly."

"Then I guess we're off to a great start. Does anybody have…" Zethrid nudged Ezor with her foot, "a way to fix this?"

"NO NEED, WE'RE ALL GOOD."

It was Ezor, busting in through the door.

"Oh, hey, welcome back," Zethrid said.

"Are you allowed to do that?" said Acxa.

"Coran didn't stop me, so yes," Ezor strode across the room. "All right, gimme a tic, and then let's take this party outside."

She knelt down next to her dead body and dug through its pockets.

"Hey, what…"

Not-Coran popped in beside her.

"Sorry, I'm afraid that when you died, all the coins fell out of your pockets and under the floorboards."

"I don't see any cracks in the floorboards!"

"There's one right there," Not-Coran pointed.

Ezor sighed.

"This game sucks."