To Mr. July?
I've been through a lot of ridiculous misadventures but I think this is the worst of them all. This is quite a life-changing experience on my part. One decision which I have to make can change my life.
Decision-making was never in my line of expertise. It is a task which requires the help of grown-ups. And this is when I become less mature and more of a baby. I would prefer to be ruled by in terms of this.
I know that there should be little things said on this matter. We shouldn't prolong this kind of discussion about going back to where I've been living in for the past years of my life until College. My home is what I call my place of comfort; my own turf if you would put it that way. There wouldn't be a problem about adjusting with the environment.
Just when I thought I've already decided, something or rather someone is holding me in place and left me in indecision. I've realized that you'll find the things you are holding now hard to let go of. He was never precious to me, up until now. He isn't worth cherishing until I thought about not being able to see him again. I could've pretended still that he is nothing to me. I could've kept the projection. I've been doing it since the first time I saw him.
All of these will be taken away from me, including him. He might not be someone of my type but I think he just made himself look special to me. I already saw him once in a mall. I watched him stand with his family. His looks were agreeable. Back then, it came as a no surprise.
The second time I saw him made some difference. I won't be using the word 'saw' anymore because this time I 'met' him and watched him stand with whom I think is his family. Well, you may think that it still doesn't make it extraordinary but for me, his hand waving at me when he saw me really caught my breath.
I first saw him, yes. But I carefully avoided gazing at him. I think he might've seen me then too. I went to check some clothes with a friend then deliberately went back to the place where I saw him, pretending to check on some shoes. I saw him again, his back facing me and his hands holding a shoe. He went past the shoe section then came back, looking at me. I looked at him as well. He smiled and waved his hand at me, so I waved mine then smiled. My friend found me and he went away.
I could tell she saw the huge smile I wore. I kept on telling myself to calm down so I will be able to normalize my breathing. He's there; he smiled and waved at me.
I sent a text message to another friend, telling him what happened and that I didn't have any choice but to wave in return. He replied with a question, "Are you sure you didn't have a choice?"
His question made me feel guilty. Yes, I had choices. I could've chosen to ignore him back then or I could've just remained calm. Bottom-line, I wouldn't see him next semester because I'm going back home. I've made my decision and I want to stick to it. I can't let a guy hold me down in one place I'm not comfortable to be in. This is his place, not mine. Besides, if he was really my Mr. July then distance won't be the cause of separation.
We're still young and able. If I will be able to cope up with my studies in my hometown then I will come right back here and continue it again. I want to prove something to myself before I can allow myself to think of distractions that will prove to be a hindrance to my success. He's just someone from the University. And that's all there is to it. I will be having dreams about him, yes. But this feeling will soon pass. Meeting him just made my day a little dramatic and so it stimulated emotions.