Depression & Obsession
Percy had found himself in the shower of his cabin with roasting waters cascading over him as he sat. It was something he found himself doing often these days. Sitting in a shower for hours on end being left with his thoughts. What else could he do? He couldn't face the people he failed. The friends and families of the people he failed to save or protect.
Percy sighed loudly and he began to make shapes out of the steam. He remembered all the faces of the ones he lost over the years. He of course knew it wasn't directly his fault that they had fallen in battle. They made their own decision. The fought their fights. He shouldn't expect himself to them all.
That's what Annabeth always told him. 'Percy, you shouldn't expect yourself to be able to save everything. It's impossible and you know it.' He did know that, but nevertheless he still blamed himself. There was always something more he could have done. He could have fought harder. He could have strategized smarter, and he could have trained harder. He could have done. He could have. He could have. He could have.
No… he should have done more. There was no 'could have' about it. If he trained harder all those years at camp half blood he may have saved some extra lives. If he studied harder with Annabeth he may have been able to strategize better, he may have been able know more and act smarter in the situations he faced.
The demigods called him the saviour of Olympus. But he saw past his achievements and saw the lives of the people he failed. Zoë Nightshade, Bianca Di Angelo, Charles Beckendorf, Silena Beauregard, Michael Yew, Lee Fletcher, and so many more. He remembered their faces, and he remembered the way they all died. He failed them all but he promised himself to never forget them going as far to have symbols tattooed on himself to commemorate their memory.
The constellation of the huntress, for Zoe. A silver bow and arrow for Bianca. An anvil and hammer for Charles. A dove for Silena. A golden bow and the golden outline of the sun for Michael and Lee. With many more for the others he failed.
Percy found his concentration break and the temperature of the water run cold. Percy stood up from his slouching position and turned the shower off, willing himself dry and got out the shower. He heard a second round of knocks at his door and realised what broke his concentration.
"Just give me a minute." Percy said as he began to put a set of clothes on.
He opened the door and was not surprised at who he saw at the door.
"Hello Annabeth." He said with a slight smile. Annabeth always had that effect on him. No matter how bad he felt, how depressed he was, or how alone he felt. Annabeth was always capable of bringing a smile to his face.
"You've not forgotten our plans for tonight have you seaweed brain?" Annabeth asked cheekily.
"Of course not wise girl." Percy replied with a smile.
"Good, now let's get to the beach. I've already got everything sorted there." Annabeth said is he started walking ahead.
Percy closed the door behind him and followed suit. "I love you Annabeth." He said as he followed her.
"I know." Annabeth replied as they found themselves getting closer to the beach.
Several minutes passed by and the firm ground below them was replaced by the soft sand of Percy's favourite beach. The sound waves soothed him and the scent of the salty air brought a smile to his face. It wasn't much but this was his happy place and Annabeth knew it. They continued walking for several minutes and found themselves at a secluded nook of the beach that had a blanket, a six pack of coke, and a small picnic awaited them.
They sat down and enjoyed a peaceful quietness staring at the stars above. They ate a chicken pasta Annabeth had made and found themselves making small talk about Olympus, camp, and the constellations. For Percy there was one specific constellation he found himself staring at.
"I know you still feel guilty about her death Percy. But it wasn't your fault." Annabeth assured him with a look of worry evident on her face.
"I know. It's just, what if?" Percy started but Annabeth cut him off.
"No it isn't Percy. The Moirai dictate fate and that's how it goes for demigods." Annabeth replied firmly.
"Thank you Annabeth." Percy answered with a smile.
"There's no need to thank me Percy." Annabeth replied back worriedly.
"Wise girl there is a need to thank you." Percy started with tears welling in his eyes. "This last year has been hell. Ever since… ever since the war I feel so empty and broken Annabeth. I feel so guilty for everything. But you've helped me so much and continue to help even after everything." Percy paused as a tear feel free down his cheek.
"I love you so much wise girl." Percy said as his voice cracked and more tears fell.
Annabeth pulled him into a hug and held him tight. She ran one hand through his hair and another along his back. "It's going to be okay Percy. It's just going to take time. You're better than how you were one year ago so imagine how much better you'll be in another years time." Annabeth assured Percy.
All it was going take was time. That's how the saying went after all, time heals all wounds?
Annabeth took Percy back to his cabin after several hours and decided to stay with him overnight. They laid in Percy's double bed snuggled up in the blue silk sheets looking at the glowing, glittering moss above them. Annabeth has her head laying on his chest and found herself tracing his tattoos that snaked his right arm.
"You know when you first told me you were going to get these tattoos I was a bit worried you wouldn't suit them. But, they definitely add some points to your sexiness." Annabeth said seductively.
"Oh does it now wise girl?" Percy asked back with a grin.
"Yes it does." Annabeth replied before kissing Percy's neck.
Percy lifted her on top of him before pulling her into a kiss and they spent a night of true happiness together. The first night in over a year in which the both of them only felt joy and bliss together.
It was several months since the night at the beach and Percy had been doing better. But there was a whole other side to his depression that he never talked about. Tartarus.
When people describe Tartarus as and equivalent to Hell they are completely wrong. That was what the underworld was, Tartarus was Purgatory I'm every way. It was a barren and ragged land. A land of decay, monsters, and torture. Those were the words that came to his mind first when remembering place.
Tartarus was not just a land of decay, it was decay itself. The land first made your body slowly perish; muscles turning to lactic acid, the soles of feet shredded by the ground underneath, stomach acid eating away from the insides, the poisonous air burning the lungs, and the body weighed down by the immense atmosphere. The pit also decayed the mind. Memories or regret or guilt becoming twisted visions, dreams that attacked the veil between the realm of Morpheus and reality. But the pit also decayed at the soul. It took what made a person a person and slowly withered it into nothing. The pit was a virus that fed on souls and turned them to monsters for its sick enjoyment.
Tartarus was truly a land of monsters and Percy's memories of that reminded him of that fact every night. There were the standard monsters that every demigod fought and face in there life, but what made Tartarus worse than purgatory was the monsters that hid in its depths. Daemons that hid in the shadows, feeding on negative emotions and driving him and Annabeth mad. The Arae, the predecessors of the Erinyes and worse in every way, cursing them with horrors, pain, and misery which they had never felt before. The forgotten gods, goddesses, and titans that attacked them at every turn. The tales he and Annabeth told when they escaped was barely a quarter of the horrors and monsters they faced.
To say Tartarus was torture put it lightly. That was because they were tortured in the pit further that the decay and monsters. The literal torture they faced at the hands of Kampê in the old prison of the Hekatonkheires.
Percy stopped himself there. The memories of the several days there were still far too much to bare and he knew the damage thinking of them put on his mental state. He was somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains between Virginia and the Carolinas with Nico and Thalia. They were sat round a campfire and were drinking some beers.
Thalia was talking about the hunters recent expedition for a pack of hellhounds in Minnesota and Percy tried to listen attentively but he could only think of his time down below. Deep, down below. He remembered Annabeth's words about how he had to talk about his problems, and maybe opening up to his cousins was a good start.
"Hey guys is it okay if I tell you something?" Percy asked as he finished his bottle of beer and quickly opened a new one.
"Yeah Percy of course it is." Thalia said.
"Yeah dude what's up?" Nico asked.
"There's something I need to get off my chest about Tartarus. And it's not something. Something that I could talk to Annabeth about." Percy started with a look of shame on his face.
"Every day down there was a countdown ticking closer to death. It was a constant battle for survival under the most gruelling and horrific conditions I have ever faced. I would rather face Kronos without a weapon than go through that nightmare again." Percy paused taking a drink from his bottle.
"It feel wrong to say this, but it felt right ya know. This constant battle against monster, titans, and evil. Felt right." Percy stopped, taking another swig of his beer.
"What do you mean a Perce?" Thalia asked worriedly.
"I enjoyed it Thalia. I enjoyed the mindless fighting and bloodshed. I was just as bad as the monsters I killed."
"Percy-" Nico started but was cut off by Percy.
"I deserved to be down there guys, Annabeth sure as hell didn't. But I did." Percy replied with a broken voice.
"You didn't deserve to be in the pit Percy." Nico replied putting a hand on his cousins shoulder.
"There's something else your not telling us Percy." Thalia prodded and Percy's resolve broke, telling them what he experienced in the land of decay, monsters, and torture.
"We met Kampê, in the ancient cells of Hekatonkheires and were captured." Percy paused tears welling up in his eyes, and fear marring his face.
"Percy you don't need to talk about this." Thalia said worriedly.
"No Thalia I do!" Percy snapped angrily. "I need to. I need to face my demons. I need to feel normal again.
"When." Percy paused.
"When we were captured Kampê gave me an option." Percy froze, his eyes revealing a fear and brokenness that terrified his cousins.
"She would either torture both of us with this whip of three leather strands that ended with dragons teeth. She showed it to me and it was horrific to see." Percy paused again.
"She then made the offer." Percy paused and guzzled the remainder of his bottle with ease and opened another one. Something his cousins had not allowed to go unnoticed. "Or she could give me double the lashes and save Annabeth from being tortured. We suffered that for three days before Annabeth found a way to break from her chains and get us out of there."
"Percy, I'm so sorry." Thalia said with a heartbroken look.
"Thank you guys. Thank you." Percy said with a quiet voice.
"You said you need to face your demons Perce? I think I can help." Nico spoke out with a slight confidence.
"How?" Percy asked.
"First you need to promise me that Thalia and I assist you on this."
"I promise." Percy replied with a confused look.
"Kampê resurfaced in the mortal world somewhere near New Mexico." Nico started. "My father felt her pass through his domain and has tasked me with tracking it so some spartoi could handle it." Nico paused to take a look at Percy yet he held an guarded look.
"How about we find her and send her back? It'll be cathartic." Nico finished warily.
"You know what Nico that's a good idea. How about it Percy?" Thalia asked, backing up Nico's idea.
Percy looked down in focus his mind thinking and analysing the possibilities of it all. "Let's go kill that bitch." He said to his cousins with a bright smile they had not seen in a long time.
It was the start of a new chapter of healing for Percy but his mind wandered to something Annabeth told him. 'Give it time Percy, just give it time.' She was unsurprisingly right of course. Time does heal all wounds, and if these last few months were anything to show for it, as long as he had Annabeth and his family he could make it through anything, no matter how long it took.