Forks. Again. It was like a bad story on repeat. And as Bella stepped of the plane to make her way to where Charlie was waiting all she felt was....nothingness. And the weather that welcomed her matched her mood perfectly. Dark, rainy and gloomy. It has to be better to be here than to keep up the charade back home with her mom, she thought. The cheery mask, the charade, the lying...God she was tired of all that. Of course she couldn´t just let go of it. Charlie was still her dad. He was bound to feel some paternal worry and care. But Charlie had always been content in just letting her be, solitude was nothing weird in his eyes. Unlike her mom, Renee, who played 20 questions if you didn´t wanted to talk and needed alone time. Who would have guessed, that back in that house, alone time had been the last thing she wished for. Bad things happened when you were alone there.
Don´t start with that again, Bella scolded herself. Nothing good will come of thinking those thoughts. But they slipped into her mind anyway, often, no matter how much she tried to stop it. It was like a poison, forever infecting her being.
She saw her dad now. He looked exactly like she remembered him, unchanged. The police cruiser he was leaning on was as much a part of him as his limbs. He was never without it. He lived and breathed his job. She felt her lips tug up into a smile when he greeted her.
"Hey Bells, how was the trip?" he asked.
He gave her an awkward, one armed hug. She returned it equally awkward. Both of them had never been big on affection. After her recent history she felt she was even more declined to like it.
"Bumpy," she answered.
And as usual, Charlie was pleased with her short answer. He never expected more. For once she thought that maybe Charlie actually knew more about her than her mom. Bella had always felt that they were the closest of friends. But her mom was always pressing, demanding, more from her. And Bella had always tried to please her, to be more like her mom wanted. She knew her mom was not doing it to be harmful in any way, she just didn´t see. But maybe she just saw her dad in a better light right now, because of all that had happened.
"So I found the perfect car for you", Charlie suddenly said and continued trying to explain the merits of "the car". It sounded suspicious in her mind. But hey, a free car was a free car, right? At least she didn´t have to gain more attention because she pulled up to school in her dad´s police cruiser. The rest of the car trip was done in silence, just like she wanted.
It was comforting. Her dad, the cruiser, Forks...nothing changed here, ever. And to leave a place, that was faster than she could envision becoming out of control this place felt safe, like a haven. Sure she didn´t like the weather and she didn´t exactly jump for joy to joining a new school, but it was a small price to pay. When they pulled up, the big orange monstrosity of a car was parked in the drive way. She loved it immediately. It was big and tough, she would feel safe in it. Bella could just envision the car crushing something small and European.
After she thanked Charlie for the car he left her alone to unpack in her old room. Same comforting feeling in there. It had always been her room, since she lived her with her mom. Better times, she thought. Would she eventually mar this innocent place with her memories too? With her nightmares? The house wasn´t very big or soundproofed and she wondered anxiously if she would have to sleep with music on so not to wake her dad. Or maybe he wouldn´t care that she cried out in her sleep. Her mom hadn´t. Bella knew it was an evil thing to think, it was an unfair thing to think. Her mom had always gobbled up her lies way to easily and Bella had been grateful for this at the time. Sometimes she just wished that her mom would see through her lies, her cover up. To see that she was only trying to protect her, take care of her, like she always had done. But maybe she was protecting her mom in the wrong way this time, lying for Phil. Yes it would hurt her mom if she knew the truth, about how Phil had crept into her room at night, but she would want to know the truth, right? Nobody wants to be married to someone who is twisted like that, right? These questions had swirled inside Bella´s head for weeks, trying to find a right answer. But in the end she was just too weak, she couldn´t do it. And every day, when she saw her mom with that goofy grin on her face, made it harder. She was happy, who was Bella to destroy that illusion?
Her only daughter! ,her mind suddenly screamed at her. The daughter she is supposed to love and protect! Sometimes Bella felt like she was split in two. One side of her, the weaker side, thought that she made the right choice, running away. The other, raged at her for being a coward, for being too ashamed to tell the truth, which in the end was the only right choice.
She flopped exhausted down on the bed, grabbing her head. She could feel a pounding headache on its way. The battle in her mind always ended that way. With both sides punched out.