Prologue: The Future
Of all the things I predicted to happen in the future…
Marriage was never one of them.
As I slowly walked down the aisle, I thought of the irony of it all. I had predicted having my children taken away from me, losing my mind, running away from home again, and if I didn't manage to be found again, end up in a homeless shelter and just melt away there for the rest of my life.
I predicted ending up some psychiatric hospital for repeated attempts at taking my own life. I predicted having countless silent sessions with my psychiatrists because I couldn't tell them what made me do what I did. Or rather I could tell them but chances were they'd think me to be even more insane.
Thing was, the future I predicted was a dark, bleak one with no hope or happiness. And yet, here I was, strolling in a gown that I couldn't afford (yet my soon-to-be husband could) towards a totally different future. A bright future in comparison to the dark future I foresaw.
I looked up towards the large Sakura tree that loomed over the left sitting area. Pink petals glided on the soft wind blowing. I smiled and closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted an outdoor wedding, especially by that Sakura tree. That was my mother's name: Sakura, and having my wedding there made me feel like her spirit was there with me, watching over me. As I felt the wind blow through my hair and the petals land on my shoulders, I could almost feel her hand caressing them lovingly. I could feel her hugging me gently and holding my hand, guiding my every step.
Funny, that's how it always was. I always relied on my mother's spiritual strength to get me through the difficult times and I needed her now to guide me through one of the best moments of my life. I figured…it was probably because I was so used to the darkness in my life, the horrid times that I couldn't believe that things were getting better. I hated my life before but I was afraid that this; me walking down the aisle, my lover, my friends, the most extravagant wedding any girl could dream of, and the solidified peace of knowing my children would be safe; I was afraid it was all a dream. I was afraid that, even if it was real, that it'd be a short-lived happiness and before long I'd find myself where I once was.
However, as I glanced at the people smiling at me including the one waiting for me at the end of the aisle, I realized I had no reason to be afraid anymore. I had so much going for me now and everything before me; I had no reason to doubt it. For the first time, on that day, I truly believed I deserved to be happy. I deserved to be free of the past that wanted so badly to enslave me. And for a while, even after the dark chapter of my life came to a close, I allowed it to.
But no more.
I was moving forward, confidently step by step.
And I was not afraid.