A/N: I started this second period today, I was bored and thinking about how much Rei likes the whole Kadaj/Cloud pairing, so I decided to write one. Though, it isn't all happy-go-lucky and what not. It's more ... broodie with a potentially happy ending? Yeah, that sounds about right. So, just, read it, kay?!
Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII or any of the characters in this.
Warning: It's probably somewhat OOC. Sorry. .::.sweatdrop.::.
Dedication: I dedicate this fic to Rei!! Because she is wonderful! And I love her. .::.smilesmile.::.
Chapter One: Questions
By .Rythm.Emotion.
Cloud sat in the Seventh Heaven bar, nervously picking at the skin around his thumb, leaving it red and raw. He was waiting for something, no, that wasn't precise. He was waiting for someone. A certain silver-haired, supposedly reformed psychopath and Sephiroth clone. Silver hair must be my weakness ... He thought bitterly as images of Zack, Sephiroth, and Kadaj danced in his head like deranged ballerinas, torturing his well being for simply being there.
Tifa stood behind the bar, a few feet away from the ever-brooding Cloud. I don't understand you, Cloud. She thought, twisting a dry towel inside a wet glass. Why can't you just let the past die?
Cloud's icy eyes shot up, locking onto Tifa's. He'd felt her eyes on him, the ever conscious Soldier, unable to relax, even around those who cared for him. And they did care for him. He knew they did, what still weighed heavy on his mind was whether he could truly return that feeling. Am I capable of such feelings? There were days when he didn't think so.
The bell above the door tinkled hollowly and Cloud swiveled on his stool quickly, expecting to see cascading silver hair framing a falsely innocent face. What he hadn't expected to see was Yuffie, touting an armful of shining materia and wearing a grin. Though the grin was characteristic of her.
"Hiya Cloud, Tif." She said happily, going directly to the stairs to deposit her materia. But she stopped at the foot of the stairs and looked up at the ceiling, clearly trying to remember some forgotten piece of information. "Cloud," she said finally, looking over at the blonde. "Kadaj is outside."
Cloud blinked, his eyes widening a fraction. He nodded, quickly regaining his composure, and stood. "Be careful," Tifa said before she could stop herself.
Cloud nodded again. "I'll be fine." He's not Sephiroth ... At least ... He isn't right now.
He exited the bar and looked around for Kadaj. Not that it took him long to spot him. His silver hair and black leather clothing stuck out, and the pedestrians billowed around him and his large motorcycle. Overcompensation? Cloud thought with a tiny, mental smile.
Kadaj saw him and waved, beckoning him closer. "Cloud!" He yelled, perhaps thinking it was possible that Cloud hadn't noticed him, when in truth, he's been staring, just a little.
Cloud walked to the bike, unable to connect the smiling face he saw to the calm, cool, arrogant smirk that Sephiroth always had plastered across his features. But he's his clone. So ... There must be similarities. He searched the boy for these similarities as he drew closer and stopped a few feet away. To his surprise, the only trait that he could connect was the stunningly silver hair.
"Hey," Kadaj said, smiling at Cloud, who inclined his head in greeting. "Hop on, we can go to the cliff."
Stab of pain in Cloud's being. The cliff ... The cliff with the buster blade? The weapon forced him to think about Zack. Yet another one of the people with lightly unnatural hair that he'd fallen for. Fallen for? Yes, he'd fallen for Zack. But, in that admission, he wondered, had he fallen for Sephiroth?
"Is something wrong?" The smile had faded from Kadaj's face as he noticed the dark, lost-in-thought look on Cloud's face.
Cloud blinked, letting go of his confusion and trying to focus on Kadaj. "I'm okay," he lied. "Just lost myself a little." Lost himself? Would he ever admit that to anyone besides Kadaj?
Kadaj smiled softly and patted the back of his bike. "C'mon." this time Cloud nodded and slung a leg over the bike, behind Kadaj. He let his hands rest on Kadaj's hips as the smaller man kick-started the bike.
The bike drowned all hope of conversation on the way to the cliff. And though Cloud welcomed this escape, it opened his thoughts to him again. And with that open door came the confusion in regards to the clarification of his feelings. He had fallen for Zack, and he'd been able to admit that to himself. But in admittance, he'd found a new confusion. He'd come to the realization that he was capable of deep feelings, and that he wasn't the hallow shell he'd thought. But did that mean he'd fallen for Sephiroth as he had for Zack?
Sephiroth, who always took time out of his busy, world wide destruction plans to torture Cloud and his friends. He who always sought out Cloud, and before the inevitable death-match ensued, they would always look at each other with lovers' eyes.
Lovers' eyes?!
Yes, that had been the phrase he'd used. And it brought up a new question. Had he and Sephiroth been lovers? Certainly wanton sexual encounters didn't constitute enough solidity to mold two people into lovers. Then again, when was there ever true solidity when love was involved? How often could anything be clearly defined and accurately touched upon?
Cloud sighed, stifling it as he did in an attempt to not catch Kadaj's attention. That would beckon forth unwanted questions when they got to the cliff. The sigh had been realization escaping Cloud in the form of Carbon Dioxide. He'd known, in the instant before the sigh had escaped, that he and Sephiroth had been lovers. In name at least.
That realization hurt him more than he had expected it to. Because it made him think, what if, by being Sephiroth's lover, he had had some hand in him always coming back. Admittedly, every time he emerged, whether on his own or via Kadaj, he always came straight to Cloud. He always went to him and ... Did things that if the others found about... He groaned quietly, not wanting to think of the reaction, which would surely end up being violent.
Cloud felt the slender hips under his hands. He felt the way their muscles clenched with each turn of the bike. And through this touch, yet another batch of confusing questions berated him. He'd been Sephiroth's lover, perhaps he still was. And he'd felt something for Zack, love, perhaps. But, where did that put what was going on between Kadaj and himself?
They spent time together, saw each other nearly every day, to be factual. And though they'd never done any questionable activities, it was impossible to deny that there was a spark and growing tension. Onlookers noticed it, though Cloud didn't know it and no one would mention it to him. But his friends were beginning to wonder if there was something going on beneath the surface when it came to Cloud and Kadaj's seemingly innocent relationship.
But, if there was something there, something with depth and meaning, and Cloud couldn't deny that there might be; was it a true feeling? Or was it the run-off of the relationship with Sephiroth (if a relationship was what it could be called.) How could he ascertain the truth when his mind was always so clouded? Almost as if, in taking the name Cloud, he'd condemned himself to ambiguity and confusion.
He couldn't. That was what it came down to. There was no way for him to come to the right conclusion, not on his own. It was something he'd have to speak about, to another person. but that thought, the one of sharing some substantial insight of himself with another person, scared him, perhaps more so than the thought that it was his fault Sephiroth wouldn't stay dead. Yet, even though he felt terrified by the idea, he felt the bitter truth that it was the only choice he had. The only way to ever discover the truth hidden away in the nigh impenetrable fog.
Sighing again, this time not trying to conceal it, no longer caring if Kadaj knew something was bothering him. Because the thought that, perhaps he did feel something real towards Kadaj was blooming and slowly becoming something unavoidable. He looked around, seeing the barren landscape of the outside of the city. They were on the straight away where Kadaj and his brothers had once chased him, desperately searching for their 'mother'. Off in the distance Cloud could see the cliff, the one where he'd once slammed the buster blade into. But, Kadaj wasn't going toward it, he realized; no, he was going towards a much grassier slope with tiny specks of pastel that he knew must be flowers.
Kadaj ... Kadaj, smiling, sped up the bike and continued towards the hill. He drove up it, as Cloud continued to look around at the sparse flowers. He stopped and clicked the bike off. Cloud was the first to demount the bike, he walked to the top of the hill and looked down at the barren landscape, hardly able to believe that he was standing on a patch of green in a sea of brown.
"Cloud?" Kadaj spoke tentatively, walking up beside Cloud and following his gaze to the ground.
Cloud sighed again and wondered if it was possible to even try to breech the subject of relationships and feelings with Kadaj. He'd never done so. Never opened up to another person. Though, a very large part of his being was manufactured much like Kadaj and his brothers. That tied them together, more firmly than he felt any relationship would ever be able to bring them. But, it was a tie. Something that made Kadaj more approachable.
He turned to look at Kadaj, thinking desperately of some way to speak the words he felt he needed to get out of his mind, lest they torture him into shuddering hysteria and render him incapable of everything everyone takes for granted.
Kadaj's expression softened. "Are you okay?" He asked, slowly reaching out a hand to touch Cloud's arm.
Normally Cloud's reaction to a psychical touch was to flinch away. But this time, to the surprise of them both, he stayed where he was, though a dark expression of quiet brooding stole over his face. "I don't know ..."
The simple admission to the lack of knowledge shocked them both. Neither could believe Cloud had said it. Cloud looked away, almost shamefully, not aware that sharing one's thought and feelings was natural. Kadaj stared at him, unsure of what to say or do.
"I don't know ..." Cloud repeated, searching for the right words. "I'm thinking abut something, but I don't know how to ... express the though."
Kadaj said nothing, uncertain of what was happening, and feeling a small bubbling sensation I the depth of his being. He suppressed it with a small amount of difficulty. Not here ... Not now ...
Cloud's mind reeled, not only from the questions coursing through it, but also from the strain of trying to do something that was so foreign to him. "It's ... hard ..." He whispered. "For me to talk to anyone, but you know that ..."
Kadaj nodded and stepped closer, slowly snaking an arm around his wait. "You can talk to me."
Cloud nodded. "I've been thinking." His said, his voice gaining strength. "About people ... Sephiroth, Zack, and you." He paused, unsure of exactly how to continue, but wanting to now, needing to. "I cared about them. Kadaj ... I ... care about you as well ..."
Kadaj stifled the gasp that welled in the back of his throat. Cloud ... cares?
Cloud looked back at him, his eyes glistening with emotion. Emotion that was such a new thing for him. "Do you ..." Care too? He couldn't bring himself to say the last two words aloud.
Kadaj blinked slowly, and then nodded. "I care, Cloud." He thought for a moment then added. "As much as a clone possibly can care." He smiled at him, that sweet, innocent smile that Cloud loved.
Loved? Had that word really sprung to the forefront of his mind? Yes, it really had. But, why? Certainly he didn't love Kadaj. That was impossible, wasn't it? Kadaj noticed the shadow pass over Cloud's eyes. "Did I say the wrong thing?"
Cloud shook his head slowly, his brilliantly blond hair shaking around his face, framing it like a golden waterfall frozen in time forever. "Just my mind running away with me."
"Where did it take you?"
He looked at the ground, not sure if he could tell Kadaj the thoughts that had just entered his mind. "I don't know …"
Kadaj interpreted the remaining bit of the sentence: if I can tell you. It wasn't that Cloud didn't want to tell him, because he did. It wasn't even that Cloud didn't trust him, because, oddly enough, he thought he did. Though trust was something so new to him that he wasn't sure if it was what he was feeling or if what he was feeling; or if it was maybe just more of the confusing thoughts and feelings that were dominating his every fiber.
"It's … okay." Kadaj whispered, masking the hurt he felt.
Cloud shook his head, disturbing the stillness of his hair. "You're just saying that." He whispered, letting out a bitter chuckle. "I've confessed to have feelings for you; you've openly returned those feelings. Yet I can't share something with you."
"It's okay, really."
Cloud sighed heavily, unable to convince himself that what Kadaj was saying was true. He couldn't help but think that he was somehow wronging Kadaj by not telling him. But at the same time, the thought that had most recently rattled his brain was one he was still processing. One he couldn't grasp himself, let alone try to share with anyone.
Kadaj seemed to know that something more sever e than his everyday brooding was afflicting Cloud. Because he gently laid his head against Cloud's chest and closed his eyes, just trying to be as close to Cloud as e could be. So that Cloud might sense that Kadaj was there for him. That he wasn't going anywhere.
Cloud felt himself warm at the touch; felt the comforting heat spread through his being. He welcomed the unusual feeling the heat brought to him; being so bitterly used to the cold that dominated his life and every fiber of his being. He looked at Kadaj, who was looking up at him, eyes eagerly awaiting to see if a smile might come to Cloud's features. A small smile did eventually play there, because Cloud found that it was impossible to look into Kadaj's eyes and not feel some glimmer of happiness.
I love you … The words were running through his head; bubbling just beneath the surface of his audible words. They fought desperately for the freedom of the dry air. They struggled to be out in the open where Kadaj could hear him. He wanted him to know the conclusion he'd finally arrived at. But he could think of no way to vocalize his feelings. Though the sentence he so desired to say was only three short words.
"Your eyes are shining," Kadaj whispered, noticing the strange new look in Cloud's eyes. What are you thinking?
The smile on Cloud's lips grew, slowly at first, until his entire face was transformed by it. Changed into something foreign and new to him, yet strangely befitting him perfectly. "I love you, Kadaj." He said, his voice even and calm.
Kadaj smiled, feeling the horrid, bubbly uneasiness in the bottom of his being disappear. The glimmer of Sephiroth's consciousness vanished, instantly, when Cloud spoke the words. And Kadaj felt, for the time being at least, that he was free of the silver-haired, one-winged angel.
"I love you too, Cloud."
Cloud leaned over and pressed his lips gently to the lips of the smaller man. As the kiss grew, so did the feeling of security and warmth. And for the first time, Cloud felt that things might really be okay.
A/N: Okay, there ya go! It took me a couple days to work on. Which is odd for me, because usually I just pull things out of thin air and then I'm done with it. But, this one I put effort into, somewhat. More so than usual at least. So, tell me what you think. Go ahead! Click the review button! You know you want to!!