Quintessential Chapter 1: The Beginning, a naruto fanfic

Yup, I'm starting a new fanfiction even though I already have one going. Well, this one will be a short fanfiction. It's meant to be humor, so please don't be offended by anything written here, although I may insert myself as an OC with my own opinions.

Note: Bit&h will be replaced with biatch since I don't want to type out the word. Don't ask why. I'm just like that.

Q u i n t e s s e n t i a l

Chapter 1 - The Beginning. Yes, the Great, Ultimate, Cool Beginning of it All

'His hands slid down her smooth, creamy skin, and brushed her sweet, cherry locks. His lips touched her soft hair, and he nibbled at it. "Sakura," he murmured in his deep, throaty voice.

"Sasuke-kun," she whispered softly, gazing up at him with her wide, emerald eyes. Her lips were parted slightly, and she wrapped her arms around him, leaning against his chest. He leaned forwards, against her, and…'

"So, can anyone tell me exactly why we are reading this?" Neji asked in an annoyed voice.

He, Tenten, Hinata, Naruto, Ino, Shikamaru, and Kiba were seated in a circle around a laptop in Ino's room. On the floor. The laptop currently displayed a "lemon" Sasuke and Sakura fanfiction.

No one knew where the laptop came from, or why it was there. It had just appeared one day, in a poof of smoke, loaded to the brim with Sasuke and Sakura fanfictions. And they weren't just any ordinary fanfictions either.

They were the frightening, the interesting, the curious, the appealing, the corny, the unoriginal high school Sasuke and Sakura fanfictions.

Only. High school. Sasuke and Sakura. Fanfictions.

Yes. Teenagers in a school walking from class to class. And everything else.

Of course, who could resist such an object? The mere idea of Sasuke and Sakura high school fanfictions were wonderful! Everyone read story after story of Sasuke and Sakura's fiction romance.

Or at least, certain people did. Others just read one and quit. Like Neji. And Shikamaru.

It was also safe to say that neither Sasuke or Sakura had any idea of the laptop's existence. Or the existence of the stories, for that matter.

All was right in the world.

Okay, maybe not.

After reading fanfiction after fanfiction, Ino decided that all the fanfictions had too much in common. It was as though they were all from the same SasuSaku - as the pairing was dubbed- mafia! A gang of SasuSaku worshippers whose main goal in life was write millions of high school SasuSaku fanfictions!

ATTACK OF THE SASUSAKU MANIACS!

Alright, ignore the above statement that is very capitalized.

So, Ino had a brilliant idea. And the idea was…

Drum roll, people.

Dun dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuun!

A LIST.

Yes, a list. A list of all the things that the SasuSaku fanfictions had in common! Wonderful idea, right?

Anyways, Ino had dragged all the shinobi that had read at least one of the fanfictions to her room to form the list-making committee. Of course, she disregarded the fact that some of the people, or half of the people present didn't even want to be there.

So, back to the present. With an annoyed Neji.

Neji glared at everyone around him, demanding an answer silently.

"Well…" Ino began hesitantly at Neji's Glare of Death ™. "After reading so many high school SasuSaku fanfictions, I wanted to make a list of all the things they had in common! Because there are soooooo many things they have in common. They're all like part of a gang or something." No one questioned exactly why Ino thought that they were all part of a gang. But moving on. "So, that's why you guys are all here!" She smiled widely in hopes of bringing up the mood.

Silence.

A bird chirped somewhere in the distance.

"…troublesome," Shikamaru sighed, leaning against the side of Ino's bed. Ino smacked him around the head.

"So!" The blonde magically whipped out a piece of paper and a pencil. "Let's begin! Who has noticed anything really similar in nearly all of them?" Five hands went up into the air. Ino pointed at Naruto. "You! Tell us one."

"Well," Naruto began. "First of all, while slurping my delicious pork ramen - you guys should really try it, it's so good! All the wonderfully-smelling steam, the bubbling soup, the soft, juicy noodles, and great flavor-"

"-Naruto, shut up about ramen and tell us a similarity between all the fanfictions," Ino interrupted, looking annoyed at Naruto's random ramen fantasy.

"Sorry," Naruto whined. "But the ramen's really good! Anyways, so while I was savoring the tasty-"

"NARUTO!" Ino screeched. Kiba winced at the noise.

"Okay, okay! Sasuke-bastard seems really rich and famous in all of them."

"…you've read all the fanfictions in the computer?" Tenten asked Naruto, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope!" Naruto replied happily. "But I've read most of them!" There was another silence. Naruto blinked. "What?"

"You don't find that reading about your own teammates kissing and stuff weird…?" Tenten asked, staring at the noisy blonde.

"Um…" Naruto scratched his head and laughed nervously. "Well, the ramen makes it less weird."

Everyone jumped up and screamed, waving their arms wildly like a bunch of baboons and crashing into each other in horror at the mention of ramen. They shrieked in fear and jumped out of the window, to their untimely deaths. Naruto merely stared around the empty room, wondering why everyone had went "ZONG LYK NO3Z R/\M3N111111".

Okay, not really.

No one chose to comment on the ramen comment. Yes, no commenting on the ramen comment! Ramen comment, get it? Get it? Yeah, I'll just continue with the actual story now.

"Alright," Ino said, preparing to scribble on her piece of paper. "Oh yeah! We need a title for the list!"

"Okay!" Kiba perked up. "Let's called it The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because I'm Just Cool Like That!"

Silence.

"Yeah, let's just change the 'I'm just cool like that' part to 'it's just cool like that'," Ino decided, writing down the unnecessarily long title.

The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:

1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.

"I think that Sakura always tends to be displayed as unpopular or something like that," Tenten commented, thinking about the fanfictions she read in the past week.

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "What's up with that? Sakura's so cool!"

The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:

1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.

2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.

3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.

"He does…" Shikamaru yawned. "At least, he did in that one fanfiction Ino forced me to read."

"That's because Sasuke's sooo cool and popular," Ino sang happily. "The list is starting well so far! More ideas! More! MORE!" Everyone except Neji winced at Ino's loud exclamation.

"U-um…" Hinata spoke up for the first time, since she had entered the room (aka. was dragged by Ino forcibly). "W-well, I t-t-t-think that t-the fan c-c-clubs a-are always filled with r-r-really…u-um…."

"Really slutty, biatchy girls?" Tenten filled in. Hinata nodded. "Yeah, that's true! The leaders of the clubs are especially evil!"

"And there's always one really slutty, biachy, evil antagonist! A girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and antagonizes Sakura in some way!" Kiba added.

"Okay, those are all good," Ino praised, writing them down on to the list.

The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:

1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.

2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.

3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.

4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.

5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!

"Come on Neji, give us one," Tenten urged, nudging Neji in the ribs. Neji turned his ice-cold glare onto her. She glared right back.

"…Sasuke starts out hating Sakura in that one you forced me to read," Neji said cooly.

"Yeah! He usually starts out hating her or something," Naruto said sadly. "Why? Sakura's so cool! So cool!"

"Mmhmm…" Ino scribbled down the new idea. "More?"

"Ino, you're always in the fanfictions, as Sakura's best friend or worst enemy," Kiba told the girl, grinning. "I wonder why. Oh, you're also a worst-enemy-turned-best-friend in some of them."

Ino gave Kiba a look. "Okay. Yeah, I wonder why. Who do they think I am? Geez, of course I'm Sakura's best friend. Why would I even want to be her worst enemy? It's so unfair I think it's not right what are all those idiots thinking of course I'd be the best prettiest most awesome girl ever that would be Sakura's best friend because I'm Ino and Ino is always cool so everyone likes her so why would I be Sakura's worst enemy I don't even know where they got that idea it's so lame geez what in the world-"

No, Ino does not speak in run-on sentences and bad grammar. Restart.

Ino gave Kiba a look. "Okay. Yeah, I wonder why. Who do they think I am? Geez, of course I'm Sakura's best friend. Why would I even want to be her worst enemy? I don't know where they got that idea." She added it to the list.

The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:

1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.

2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.

3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.

4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.

5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!

6) Sasuke usually starts out hating Sakura.

7) Ino is always present, either as Sakura's best friend, worst enemy, or worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.

8) NaruHina is always present. Always. Always. Forever and more.

"What?" Naruto and Hinata both exclaimed after reading the eighth point. Naruto looked at Hinata, and the latter turned tomato red.

"U-um…" Hinata looked immensely embarrassed. "I-Ino…"

"It's true and you both know it," Ino sang, smiling at both ninja. "Hm, Naruto's always Sasuke's best friend, too. Always. Weird how these things occur in every fanfiction."

"ME, Sasuke-bastard's best friend?!" Naruto exclaimed with rage. "Of course I am, heheh." A sunny smile lit up his face. "YAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Uh…" Everyone decided not to comment on Naruto's random happy comment on being Sasuke's best friend like the comment he had about the comment about the ramen comment of the comment…

Yeah, never mind.

"I think that SasuSaku fanfictions always end happily! They're like, never sad. They are never, ever angst. Sure, they may have angst, but they never end angsty! Like, neither Sakura or Sasuke die or something!" Tenten exclaimed, a vein popping in her forehead for some strange unfathomable reason that no one could understand. "I think they should die in one of them! Die! Die! Die!"

Silence.

Somewhere in the distance, a frog croaked.

"Yeah, um, okay…" Ino said cautiously, writing down Tenten's point. "Um…anything else?" 'Not as crazy,' the blonde added in her head.

"In the one I read, there was the typical thing where Sakura sees a girl forcing herself onto Sasuke and thinks that Sasuke's cheating on her, doesn't like her, whatever…troublesome stuff," Shikamaru added dully, still feeling bored.

The Cool Ultimately Great Long List of SasuSaku Similarities in All High School SasuSaku Fanfictions Which Has a Really Long Title Because It's Just Cool Like That:

1) Sasuke is always, always, always rich and famous. Always.

2) Sakura is either a nerd, unpopular, new, a loner, or all.

3) Sasuke always has a huge fan club. Huge. Huge. Yes, huge.

4) The fan clubs always contain slutty, biatchy girls. The leaders are especially evil.

5) There is always one really slutty, biatchy, evil antagonist: a girl who tries to steal Sasuke from Sakura, and/or antagonizes Sakura in some way. How evil, get a life!

6) Sasuke usually starts out hating Sakura.

7) Ino is always present, either as Sakura's best friend, worst enemy, or worst-enemy-turned-best-friend.

8) NaruHina is always present. Always. Always. Forever and more.

9) SasuSaku fanfictions always end happily. They are never rated as angst, or end with one of the two/both dying.

10) The typical "Sakura sees some girl forcing herself onto Sasuke but thinks that Sasuke's really cheating on her/whatever" thing happens. A lot.

"Great list, great list!" Ino chirped happily, waving her pencil around and accidentally hitting Kiba on the nose.

"OW, woman, watch where you're waving that thing!" Kiba exclaimed angrily, rubbing his sore nose.

"Sorry," Ino apologized, and continued waving around her pencil (but nowhere near Kiba). "Anyways, I think that-" The blonde was interrupted by a knock on the door. Ino sighed and rolled her eyes. "What is it, mom?"

"Um…Ino? It's Sakura," came Sakura's voice from the other side of the closed door. Nearly everyone in the room froze. Ino gasped and quickly hid her list. "Um, hang on a minute Sakura!" She looked around at everyone frantically. "What do we do?" she mouthed. Naruto stared at Ino.

"What?" he said loudly. Kiba quickly silenced him by leaping onto him. He and Naruto silently wrestled on the ground while Sakura spoke again from the other side of the door.

"Naruto? Is that you? What's Naruto doing in your room, Ino?"

"Um, that wasn't Naruto," Ino called back, looking desperate. "That-that was me trying to sound like Naruto!"

"…okay," came Sakura's voice. "Anyways, are you done yet? Can I come in?" The doorknob began to turn.

"NO!" Ino screamed wildly, like a mad woman. She trampled down the door and killed Sakura with one wild sweep of her random kunai that had magically appeared out of thin air then proceeded to slaughter everyone in a mad rampage of death until the whole room was stained with cotton because you see the people weren't actually real people they were actually stuffed dummies that were full of cotton so in reality Ino hadn't actually killed anyone she had only mutilated life-sized dolls but Ino didn't know that because she was on her crazed red-eyed insane mad rampage then proceeded to kill the whole village of Konohana then every other village within a 1000000000 mile radius of Konohana and when she had torn up every stuffed doll in sight she stood on a cliff and laughed madly then tripped and fell off the cliff to her death but woke up and found out that it had all been a dream. A dream, you hear? A DREAM!

At least, that's what you wish had happened. But you're wrong, ha. This is what happened:

"NO!" Ino shrieked. "Uh, I mean, no, I'm not done yet! Don't come in!"

"Are you dressing or something?" Sakura asked, sounding impatient.

"Um, yeah!" Ino said. "So, uh, you can't come in now." She glared at everyone else in the room. "Hide!" she whispered angrily. Everyone looked at each other, then performed a jutsu that blended them into the scenery.

"Ino, did you say something?" came Sakura's voice. "Hurry up please."

"No, I didn't!" Ino called, and was about to grab the laptop when it started floating and moving by itself. "OMG!" Ino screamed, terrified, and killed herself.

No.

"No I didn't!" Ino called, and was about to grab the laptop when it started floating and moving by itself. At first, Ino simply stared at the computer, watching it hide itself behind her bookshelf, when she realized that one of the seven invisible people had moved it. The girl looked around to make sure everything was neat and tidy, then sat down on her bed, accidentally bumping into an invisible knee. She glared in the direction of the invisible person.

"Sorry," came Tenten's voice softly so that only Ino could hear her.

"Um, you can come in now!" Ino yelled at her door. She watched the door open in slow motion. Then, what came into her room shocked her to the core. It couldn't be. Not that. Not…not…her worst nightmare!

It was Barney.

Heehee, that would be funny.

"Um, you can come in now!" Ino yelled at her door. She watched the door open in slow motion, and was shocked by the first person that came in. She stared at the person for a minute…then…

"Oh yeah, Sasuke's here too," Sakura said as she came into the room, smiling and patting Sasuke on the shoulder.

No, that's not the end of the story or the list. Just to clear things up, I really adore SasuSaku high school fanfictions, even if they're as corny as some high school romance stories are. So, kudos to them.

Review please. I accept constructive criticism, but not flames. So don't flame. Not unless you'd like to be haunted in your sleep by the Grim Reaper's scythe, anyway.