It felt strange not to be alone. Ivanova was used to thinking of the room as her sanctuary; more than that, as her solitude. She hadn't played the hostess for months, and it had been even longer since she'd considered inviting anyone in for more than tea or perhaps some illegal coffee. Now Talia lay next to her in bed, her dark eyes beckoning.
And yet she was still alone. Moments of intimacy shone like the pinprick light of distant stars, reminding her that she lived in the cold empty blackness between. As Talia touched her, drawing out pleasurable sensations, Ivanova longed to reach out to her with her mind, even for just one moment. But her secret forced them apart, casting them adrift. Talia pressed herself closer and receded into the distance.
Once Talia was asleep, Ivanova pulled on her uniform and went for a walk through the station. Her mother's admonition echoed in her head: Tell no one. But what if the cost of keeping the secret continued to rise? How many trusts did she have to violate, how many friendships did she have to sacrifice, how much distance did she have to put between herself and others in order to keep the Psi Corps at bay?
She needed to tell someone. Her refusal to submit to the probe would only raise more suspicions. And if Lyta was right, maybe she was a security risk. A dark part of Ivanova's mind told her she would do anything to stay out of the Psi Corps, even if she had to fight her way out—and if rules got broken or people got hurt in the process, that was a small price to pay. Just put it on the tab.
This single-mindedness frightened her. Ivanova had always thought of herself as rational, but this sudden surge of emotion threatened to overthrow everything. Was this part of me always there, beneath the surface? Am I really who I thought I was?
She had to let Lyta probe her. She couldn't let Lyta probe her. Who am I? Ivanova laughed abruptly. God, I sound just like a Vorlon.
Well, at the very least, she had to tell Sheridan why she couldn't let Lyta touch her mind. He deserved at least that much. And if she was lucky, maybe he could tell her who she was.
-----
Ivanova watched Lyta probe the members of the command staff, her eyes narrowed as she telepathically sent the sleeper password. Each time, her stomach twisted with fear, but part of her hoped to see a reaction. If it's one of them, maybe she won't even have to get to me. She hated herself for letting her fear control her, for wishing her friends harm for the sake of her own comfort.
Lyta shook her head after the last probe. "He's clean." She turned to Ivanova.
"Let's hold off on Ivanova for now," Sheridan said quickly. "We have a lot of people to get to."
Lyta nodded, but she cast a wary look at Ivanova. To hell with you, Ivanova thought. She breathed a sigh of relief and looked gratefully at Sheridan. But she knew it wasn't over—unless they found the mole very soon, she might not get off so easily.
"We'll bring in the C & C staff first, and then security," Sheridan announced. "Call it an inspection, or whatever you like." Garibaldi nodded briskly and exited.
Ivanova watched for the next hour as Sheridan summoned the C & C staff before him one by one, offering brief words of praise or thanks for hard work, then dismissing them as Lyta shook her head. After each dismissal, Ivanova felt a tightness in her throat and a mounting sense of panic.
Then the first round of security officers entered. As Lyta's eyes narrowed at the back of Zack Allan's head, he twitched and convulsed. A cold look entered his eyes as he pulled out his PPG and fired at Sheridan.
Sheridan dodged, and three guards raced to restrain Zack. "I know what's going on here!" Zack shouted. "Don't think you can hide anything from the Corps. You play your little games and think it's such a big secret." He smiled. "Well, it's not."
"Take him to the brig," Sheridan ordered. The guards obeyed, dragging Zack out of the room.
Garibaldi sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm telling you, I have the worst luck with second-in-commands."
"I'm sorry," Ivanova said, and realized she meant it.
-----
When Ivanova returned to her quarters, she found Talia waiting outside. "Susan, hi!" Talia said. "They fixed the air recycling unit in my quarters, so I can leave now… if I could just get my things?"
"Of course," Ivanova said, opening the door. "But—Talia? You don't… have to leave just yet. I mean, unless you want—"
Talia smiled. "Are you asking me to stay?"
"I don't know." Ivanova sighed. "I think—"
Talia pulled her inside and sat down on the bed. "What is it?"
"I don't know," Ivanova said. "I'm just so scared of who I am—what I might become. I'm scared of getting close to anyone, but now I'm almost more scared of being alone."
Talia held her close. "It'll be all right," she said. "You're stronger than anyone I know."
"But I'm not," Ivanova said, tears brimming in her eyes. "I can't hold the weight of this anymore."
"Then let me help you," Talia said.
"I've never told anyone this," Ivanova said. "I feel lost in the darkness, with nothing to guide me. And I'm not sure where to go from here."
Talia laced her fingers through Ivanova. "I'll show you," she said.
Ivanova kissed Talia and reached out with her mind. She felt the heat and light as she approached her guiding star.