My head hurts. But it always kind-of hurts. Its like a dull ache. I've lived with it sine I was created. Its always been there. It spans from my spinal cord, and travels up the back of my skull and penetrates into the crown of my head. At first it was a burden, it disgusted me. A constant reminder. Then it was just an annoyance, something that I could live with, something I could tolerate. Now, now its like an old friend, I have no idea what I would do without this feeling, with out my ache in the back of my head.
It gets stronger when I think about what I use to be, who I use to be. I was a number, 247310. that was my identity, assigned to me by The Empire. It use to comfort me, make me feel like I was a part of something, or worth something. It was all that separated me, made me different. After all, on the outside I looked like everyone else. God, who am I kidding, I was everyone else. A single like-mind, made of thousands of other minds. We received out orders and executed them. That was it. That was all. We were puppets. It was my life, until my life exploded and burned into ash like The Empire.
It was a shock. I was stationed on Bespin when I heard that The Empire had been destroyed. Nearly immediately I was taken away, and forced into a group home with others like me while someone, somewhere tried to set things right, and less importantly...figure out to do with the Storm Troopers.
The hundred of thousand of individuals that had been programmed to serve Te Empire at all costs. It had been my purpose, my life. And when The Empire had fallen, I had felt a sinking feeling in me. It was like all my purpose had been ripped from me. Some of the less brainwashed tried to run, but I didn't, I'm not certain why, but I just stayed put. No one ordered it, I took it as one.
Some of us were tried in court for war crimes, every one of them was executed. It wasn't surprising, none of it was. The rest of us were forced into The Program. That was the only name it was given. It was for us, the leftovers of The Empire. They wanted to fix us, or that's what they said. But in reality, they just injected a chip into our arms, took our guns and armor and gave us names, but not real names, just new numbers. They shipped us off to far away planets, where no one would really care about us, or what we had been before.
And then, they put me here on Deralia. Its pretty sparsely populated. The world is dominated by massive fields, a few forests and endless seas. I wont lie, its beautiful here, but I miss the desolateness of space. The blackness pin pricked by a multitude of stars. Its like my body aches for it, and when I actively think about it, my head hurts a little more than usual.
But when I am working, the pain almost leaves me. I'm a Router, I work with the train system here. It spans all over this little word. It crosses the seas, and the fields. It winds its way through the forests, and somehow finds its way to the cities. That's where I come in. I make sure the tracks go the right way, that everyone gets to where they need to be. I'm given a lot of orders, and I execute them. I mean... its all I am really good at. It makes me happy to loose my mind in the orders.
After my ten hour shift is over I go to the little bar across from my one bedroom apartment. Either I'm there, or on the steep rocky beach. At night its almost like being back in space. The dark coolness, the little white pin pricks of stars scattered across the sky. Sometimes I almost feel weightless against the night air.
The bar is just a place for me to have a drink...or twelve. Sometimes drinking dulls the pain in the back of my head enough so that I can relax, so that I can forget. Sometimes when I sit at that bar I think of what I could say to another person, maybe a woman. Maybe I could tell her that I was born on the other side of the Adrius sea, that I have a mother and a father and two sisters over there. They all work in fishing. That's why I came over here, to get away. She wouldn't even think anything about it. Maybe she would think its charming, or cute. Maybe it would get me a night with her even. And that's what brings a grin to my face.
"What are you smiling about?" a voice calls to me. I look over to see a man, maybe about my age, sitting two seats down.
I don't talk to people, I don't get along well with civilians...well I didn't before either. Before, they were scared of me, now I was scared of them.
I look away and turn my grin to a frown. I place a few credits on the bar and power through the last of my drink. Privately, in my head I'm glad that I don't have to work tomorrow.
I stand up and push the stool in. I turn to walk away, I take maybe, two steps before he speaks again.
"I see you here a lot...maybe too often." he says with a laugh. I cringe.
I keep walking, across the bar, as I get to the door he speaks again.
"I didn't think Clones made it this far..."
I froze, full of anger.
"You don't know what you are talking about..." deny deny deny.
"Oh I don't?" he said. I could hear the bar stood move, and staggering footsteps inch towards me.
My hand pushed the door open and I walked out. I heard it slam shut.
I was half way across the street when it opened again.
"You cant hide it you know! You all look alike, I can tell you are one of them from a mile away..." he yelled out to me, slurred and angry.
That night was full of nightmares, something I hadn't experienced since the rebels put that chip in my arm. They said it would make me more human, give me real feelings, let me create thoughts and opinions of my own, but as far as I could tell, it just made me relive the awful things. I would dream of the slain civilians, I remembered the mothers and children dead in the streets, I remember how our occupation had destroyed an entire planet.
I woke up, my heart was racing, and I was shivering. I felt so sick to my stomach, and vomited on my blanket.
The nights were hard, but so was the rest of my life. I was a defeated Clone, a shard of what use to be the empire. The chip in my arm made me realize what I had done, with no remorse with not even a second thought. I was a monster, I was awful. I was just like a computer, I had been programmed to do things, things that no normal person should do.
The morning was easier. My day off was uneventful. I got a few provisions from the bodega, I walked to the park, and then to the bar to have a drink in the evening. The drunk wasn't there that night, I got lucky. I ordered a few drinks and then headed down to the steep rocky beach. I was slightly intoxicated, and I stumbled a few times until I got to my regular spot.
The alcohol and the darkness rested my mind for the mean time, and the images of war subsided. I lay there, dreaming of space, letting the feeling trace over me until my body went numb. I was so lost in the feeling that I was unaware of the slim figure moving towards me.
"You like the nighttime, the coolness of it." a woman's voice whispered out to me.
"Wha-who are you?" I asked as I sat upright, started. I pulled my body away, trying to hide myself from the dark figure.
"My name is Lindy. I light the night too, its empty, and cold and quiet." the woman said, as she walked into the slim ray of light from the city behind us.
She was pale, and slim, she had washed out blonde hair, and gray, nearly colorless eyes. She wasn't your traditional beauty, but there was something interesting about her that made me loosen up.
"What, do you want from me?" I asked her.
She looked back at me with a perplexed and semi-hurt look.
"Company, I just want your company." she said as she looked out at the back sea that stretched for what seemed like an eternity, in front of us.
"Company?" I asked back.
She was silent for a moment, looking straight ahead, like she was searching for something among the darkness.
"You are a Clone, a Storm Trooper, from The Empire." she said softly, and looked down to her lap.
"What? No, I'm not like...I'm not...that." I said in an angry voice.
"You are grabbing at your hip, feeling for your blaster, and your face, I've seen it a million times." she said as she looked at me.
"Shit." I said under my breath as I rubbed at the bridge of my nose.
"Listen, I'm sorry for whatever the empire did to you, or your family, or whatever, but I'm reformed, and I know that, I know that it, what I did was wrong, okay? I'm sorry." I said, stumbling over my words in exasperation, feeling like I needed another drink.
She looked at me again.
"I don't blame you, after all, its not like you were a volunteer, its more like you were drafted, right? Is that the right idea?" She asked.
I sat for a moment.
"Yeah I guess that is about right." I said.
The conversation continued for a while, it was the first one I had be a part of for years. It felt nice to talk, it felt nice to hear another voice, and not just the screams in my head.
"I never got your name." she said.
"That's because I've never really had one, I have a number, a bar code, and a tracking device, but no name really." I said to her.
"Well that's no good." she said with a smile.
"You have a name...its pretty by the way." I said awkwardly.
"Wow, er, thanks for the compliment I guess...but really, you need a name too." she smiled at me.
"What do you suggest?" I asked.
She sat for a very long time in silence, thinking, and looking at me. She reached her hand up to my face but I began to pull away.
"No, its okay, I'm not going to hurt you..." she said with a kind smile.
I allowed her to touch me. Her fingertips were cool and smooth. I began to like the sensation, letting my eyes close, and focused on just her touch.
"For the nameless man, I name you...Alex." she smiled.
"Alex." I laughed.
But then I realized something.
My old pain in my head, the radiating pain that had become a part of me, I hadn't felt in since Lindy had sat down and begun talking to me. I smiled and rubbed the back of my head.
"Alex it is then." I smiled at her.
She smiled back.