by HilaryHilary
Author's note: Hope you like this one as much as you liked Never Say You'll Never Leave. It's told in a fairly similar style. In a few days I'll probably post another oneshot, as a companion to my first one.
It started technically when they were seventeen, in the backseat of a stretch limo.
But it started for real three years later, the night that it should have ended forever.
It started that night, and from then on it would never really be over.
Chuck Bass walked into Blair's apartment the night before her wedding without knocking, without announcing himself. He knew that he had no right, that they'd effectively ruined what little friendship they'd had years ago. Still, he knew he couldn't let the night pass without seeing her one last time. So he went.
The apartment was relatively small, which he found surprising. He knew that she made a decent income, and was supported by both her absent father and by her fiance. It seemed that if nothing else, she was relishing her last days of living alone.
"Nate?"
Chuck cringed when her voice floated out from the bedroom. He was surprised by her presence there, because he knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't be able to sleep, tonight of all nights.
"Oh. It's you."
Just for a moment, he could swear she looked relieved.
He took in her appearance, not having been so alone with her for years. Her hair was down and unkempt, her body was loosely wrapped in a dressing gown. Self consciously she tied it tighter around herself.
"Sorry to disappoint," he said.
"Bachelor party end early?" she asked in surprise. He followed her as she moved toward the kitchen.
"It did for me. I'm sure Nate and Dan are still at the strip club."
She sent him a sharp, nervous look.
"I'm kidding, Princess. I'm sure his heart it way too focused on you to be distracted by a girl with some dollar bills stuffed up her g-string."
Blair flinched. Crudeness always had offended her.
"Sorry."
Blair nodded briefly, then walked toward the freezer. He watched, intrigued, as she pulled a bottle of vodka from the freezer and took an unladylike swig.
"Can't face it sober?" he questioned. She scowled, and he held back a smile. He loved being able to make her scowl like that.
"Shut up."
"Looking forward to being deflowered tomorrow?" he asked, his face now emotionless. Blair's mouth twitched as if she were about to frown once more, but she refrained. She owed him that much.
"Thank you for never telling him," she said. He nodded. It had been among the most noble things he'd ever done, refraining from ruining the relationship of his best friend and the woman he loved, when he'd always had the power to. It had been so tempting sometimes. He would have been fully willing for the black eye he'd inevitably receive, in exchange for the relationship wrecking revelation that it inevitably would have been.
"Anything for you," he said, his lips twitching sarcastically. She smiled as well, somewhat hesitantly. He knew, because he understood her better than anyone, that she cherished being able to be herself with him. Without having to pretend that she was perfect. Without having to pretend that she never schemed, manipulated the lives of those around her.
"Did he talk about me?" she blurted out. He raised his eyebrows.
"What, are you still worried? About Serena? You don't have to be. You've come out the winner," he said. Blair almost smiled again. Though he was perhaps biased, it was true. Serena, though still a beautiful woman, had so quickly lost the sparkle that had drawn every boy that had come to her. Blair had come into her own, no less beautiful than she'd ever been.
"But Nate never loved me like Dan loves her. I can never really win, can I?" she asked him.
Chuck stared at her, for once caught off guard. They hadn't had a real conversation in years. He couldn't believe that this one, the last before she started belonging to another man, was so quickly becoming so personal.
"You don't have to do this," he said.
"I always could do that. No one else would ever believe that you had real emotions," said Blair.
"Only for you, baby."
He hesitated as she came over to him. Her dressing gown was already slipping off of one shoulder. Her eyes turned beseechingly up to him.
He repeated the words from so long ago:
"Are you sure?"
She was sure. She was more than sure.
His hands moved down to untie her dressing gown, let the silky material fall to the floor.
She'd always been beautiful to him, but he'd never remembered her being this beautiful.
Suddenly she was kissing him and his arms were around her, her naked body shivering in response to his cold fingers. And she relished, perhaps for the last time, being in the arms of a man who loved her for real, for ever.
She clung to him desperately, and he found himself returning her kisses in fever, as if he'd been starving without her touch. He recognized her longing.
"You never let him touch you, did you, Blair?" he whispered into her ear. Suddenly he couldn't recall the long string of black, empty days between their last time and the now, so bright and shining.
"Only you," she whispered.
He lifted her into his arms, already flushed and wanting him. He wanted her always, but if she just wanted him now he was very nearly okay with that.
He knew he couldn't convince her to change her mind, but he could never be the sort of man who didn't try.
The last time Chuck saw Blair, she'd been dressed in white, a perfect virginal bride. He was relieved to see her as she was now, dressed in her immaculate retro style.
"Mrs. Archibald," he said cordially. She frowned slightly. Clearly she'd been expecting someone else.
"Where's Nate?" she asked.
"Ah. He sends his regrets. Had to work late. Can I come in?"
Chuck walked into their apartment, not bothering to wait for a response.
"Seriously? We just got back from our honeymoon, and already he can't make it home before midnight?"
Chuck shrugged.
"Speaking of which, how was the honeymoon? I hear Venice is lovely this time of year, if you like living the cliche."
Blair glared at him, that small adorable glare that he loved so much.
"Awkward at first. I felt like he could smell you on me," she admitted.
Chuck stared at her, always happy to be surprised.
"You thought about me, didn't you Waldorf?" he asked her.
"Shut up. I did not."
"You did, too. Nate doesn't make standards? I always said he wasn't bad enough for you," said Chuck in self satisfaction.
"It was nice. It was beautiful. For God sakes, there were candles! It was how it was supposed to have been."
"It will never be that, Blair. You gave that chance up three years ago and you can't ever have it back," said Chuck. Blair shrugged.
"Maybe not, but he can. He never has to know."
Chuck waited, suspecting that she had more to say. She smiled softly, vindictively.
"I used to fantasize about telling him. Can you imagine the face? Maybe he's never cared about me, but if only for that moment, he would care."
"Of course I can imagine the face. I used to fantasize too."
Glancing at her, Chuck noticed in surprise that she really was a grown up, really looked married. She'd always been classy, with her pearls and her perfectly put together outfits, but now she looked more understated, less remarkable. He wondered if he peeled away the layers, if he was to see her without the pearls and the understated pant suit, she'd look just like he remembered her. The little lost girl he'd deflowered so long ago.
Catching him glancing at her, Blair knew what he wanted and knew that he was going to take it.
"I'm married now," she said. Her back was now pushed up against a wall, his practiced fingers were working at the buttons of her shirt. He kissed her suddenly, roughly, showing her how little it mattered.
"You were practically married then, too. It never mattered."
She reflected that it hadn't. She'd been practically married the last time they'd done this. And the time before, only hours after her breakup with Nate. She might as well have been married then too, it had all been so inevitable.
Pushing her body into his, she welcomes his caresses.
After all, a girl never forgets her first time.
"Nathaniel isn't getting any, is he?"
Blair looked up sharply. As frequently as they sometimes came, she was always surprised by Chuck referencing her marriage, or their affair.
"What?"
Chuck smiled into the wide, doe eyes of his mistress.
"Come on, we work together. If he was, I'd know."
Blair frowned at his confidence.
"He's busy. I'm busy."
"Blair, no guy's that busy.
Blair looked uncomfortably down to her feet. They were in his apartment. The friendship that sprung up between their occasional encounters made them comfortable with each other, more comfortable on her part than she was with her husband.
Chuck's smirk fell, and he adopted the concerned expression that he only ever wore with her.
"What is it? Tell me. I'll be nice, I promise."
"It's just not all that it's cracked up to be. I mean we waited for years, I always thought that it would be perfect. And now it's here and he barely knows what he's doing. He treats me like I'm some fragile doll, he never knows what I want..."
Chuck cringed. Even if she wasn't speaking favourably of it, he'd never be a fan of hearing her talk about another man in that way.
"It's just not..."
"What it's like with us?" he interrupted her.
"That's not what I meant."
"Yes, it is."
He almost fell backwards with the weight of her entire body thrown into his arms in one swift movement. He stabilized himself and held them both steady, returned her fervent kisses in surprise.
"Tell me you love me," she whispered, holding him tightly to her.
"I love you," he said instantly.
Reaching for the cold circlet around her finger, he tugged off the diamond and let it fall to the floor.
He was not delusional. He knew she was married to Nate, that she slept in his bed every night.
But after all this, he knew she really belonged to him.
It was so very easy for them to fall into a pattern.
Nate was so oblivious, so trusting. He worked late nearly every night, he called home before actually coming. Even when he did arrive home when Chuck was still there, he never noticed that they were disheveled, that his bed had been used since he and Blair had left it that morning. He was fully willing to accept the excuse that his oldest friend and his wife had spent an innocent day together.
They were spotted everywhere without arising suspicion. Drinks, dinner, dancing at nightclubs. If she hadn't kept her reputation spotless during high school, she would have been immediately condemned. As it was, they were sympathetic. They assumed that she was neglected, that nothing short of loneliness prompted her husband's best friend to her side. They whispered about how Nate worked late. They gradually noticed that Chuck Bass had fewer women, they assumed that he was finally settling down.
They became shameless, flaunting. They did it in back stairwells at society events, in her and Nate's bedroom while he worked the night away. In the backs of limos, once more. In a bathroom while all their old friends gathered for a reunion.
They became completely dependent on each other, their affair slowly destroying them both and leaving behind shells, two halves of one whole. They made it impossible for the other to be even remotely satisfied with anyone else. Chuck was comforted by the notion that while his lover was with her husband, she was thinking of him.
They were passionate, jealous. They could be yelling at each other in one moment, screwing each other in the next. They could speak of love, about being together for real, and then leave to go back to their everyday lives, completely detached from the haven that surrounded them when they were together.
It gradually grew from being merely a physical affair to a complete relationship. She spent more time with him than with her husband. She never went dancing with Nate, never went out to exclusive nightclubs where Chuck could feel pride at knowing that everyone was looking at the beautiful woman dancing with him, and wish that they could be as close to her. He never went shopping with her on the days Serena was unavailable, moaning the entire way as Chuck did, only to be pleased from the outcome when she modeled her new purchases for him at her house. They did all these things and more, but what they did a surprising amount of was talking.
Chuck loved the conversations they had in his bed or hers, out of breath and in no desire to move after their lovemaking.
"Do you think Nate's having an affair?" he asked casually one day. She frowned. As depraved as it was, Nate often came into their conversations.
"Of course not," she said. He smiled at the indignation in her voice.
"Many people would say the same of you, my dear."
"That's different. Nate's so busy all the time. And he loves me," she said.
"But don't you love him?"
Blair shrugged, uncomfortable by their conversation and annoyed as ever when Chuck asked questions he clearly already knew the answer to.
"Not like I used to."
"I think my wife's having an affair."
"Who, Blair?" Chuck looked up sharply. His words were senseless, he spoke as if Nate had many wives. Really he was just surprised, incredulous, not that Blair was having an affair but that Nate was finally figuring it out. There had been so many years in which Nate had been completely oblivious.
"With who?" asked Chuck hastily, in response to the sharp look of annoyance that Nate sent him.
Nate shrugged and began to pace the room.
"How should I know? I'm working all the time, and when I finally do come home she's never here. Out shopping with Serena or whatever. I don't even know."
Chuck nodded, wondering how his own name could not come into the list of places where Blair was when she was not with Nate.
"Look, we spend a lot of time together during the day. If she was having an affair I'd know," said Chuck reassuringly. Hoping Nate would not understand how very true his words were. Nate nodded.
"Maybe if we had a child..." he said, speaking as if he had not heard his friend.
Chuck's face turned white.
"What, just to keep her home? You might want to think that one out," said Chuck sarcastically.
Nate looked up, surprised by the cruelty in Chuck's voice.
"I guess you're right."
An hour later, Chuck was once again with his best friend's wife, wondering for the first time if all she'd ever really wanted was to get caught.
"It was you, wasn't it?"
Chuck looked up in surprise when Nate entered the penthouse room of the hotel he now owned.
"What?"
"It was you. It was always you. I can't believe I never saw it."
Slowly Chuck realized what he was talking about. Years ago he would have known instantly. But Nate and Blair had been married for five years. It had been eight years since her first time in the limo. He barely even felt guilty anymore.
He cringed as Nate threw a crystal shot glass across the room. At his best friend's anger, not at the shot glass. He had a lot of shot glasses.
"Look, calm down," he said, cautiously stepping toward him.
"Calm down? You deflowered my girlfriend! You slept with my wife! Don't ask me to calm down."
"She wasn't your girlfriend at the time," said Chuck. Now that everything was falling down, what more did he have to lose?
Nate didn't appreciate the statement.
"We got back together two weeks later! Even if we weren't together you crossed the line, man. I mean I know you took every opportunity to screw every girl in sight, but she was my girl."
Chuck knew the words that should have followed. Words like "I'm sorry" and "It was a mistake" but he wasn't, and it never had been. So he remained silent.
"Are you in love with her?"
Chuck stared at him. Now, if at all, was the time to lie. Tell his best friend that it had never meant anything, that she was just lonely and using him. That it was fixable, that he could go back home to her and work it out.
But Chuck Bass wasn't a liar. He couldn't sit back and watch them attempt to work it out anymore.
He walked toward the door and opened it for Nate to walk out of.
"Yes," he said simply.
"What took you so long?"
The Blair Waldorf of today was not the same one he remembered. She was older. She had more pain in her eyes, she was somehow less vulnerable.
Her ring finger was remarkably bare.
She smiled at Chuck's words.
"I came here first."
He turned away from the window toward her.
"I know you did."
"Europe's a really big place. And I figured that everyone needed time to get it all out of their system," explained Blair, going to stand in front of him.
"You didn't need to worry. They all know that Nate left you, they don't know why. You somehow came off as sympathetic."
"Nate didn't leave me. I left him."
"I suspected as much."
They kissed, slowly. Blair noted his hesitance. Following her divorce she'd left for two years without a word. She knew that he couldn't help but worry that she'd leave again.
"No. Wait."
Blair was surprised when Chuck pushed her away, his hands on her forearms to keep her at arm's length.
"We can't avoid the scandal anymore. It's been ten years, Blair. If you don't want anyone to find out, go back to Europe. But I'm not going with you."
"All or nothing?" questioned Blair. Chuck nodded.
"All or nothing."
Blair broke free of his grasp and moved in to kiss him again.
"All. I'd been kind of looking forward to the scandal," she said.
Together they moved toward his bed. Later they would talk, go out for dinner, finally kiss in public without worrying about the repercussions. Tomorrow they would feel guilty when Nate heard of her return. The next day he would buy a ring.
And the day after, she would find herself finally moving away from the future she'd created for herself in high school, and saying yes.
The End