Talking through the night: After Anna and Bates talk in the boot room, a night passes. The next morning, things seem okay between them as they pass each other in the hall. What happened during the night?
Anna felt exhausted. She hadn't slept much in the past month and she was crying again. She could feel John's arms around her, moving over her back as she cried. Finally though she pulled back, looking up at her husband, she realized with a start that he too had been crying. "You look tired." John said quietly, in true John fashion he cared more about her then himself.
"I am, I haven't slept much."
"You can finish the shoes in the morning." John said.
Anna nodded, "I can leave them out, no one will touch them."
"I'll walk you to the staircase." John told her. He'd be in for a late night. He wouldn't be able to sleep easily and he still had the ten minute walk to the cottage.
"Come up with me." Anna pleaded.
There were at least five things wrong with her suggestion, and there were probably more if he actually thought about it, but Anna's eyes were still filled with tears and he couldn't let her cry alone. If she had to cry, better he caught her tears then a pillow. He'd spend the night on the floor if he had to. "I've got an alarm clock upstairs, we can set it early so you can get downstairs before they'll catch you tomorrow morning. Also, since I moved out to the cottage, my old room was used as a storage room, it's got two beds,we can shove them side by side to make a double bed."
"I'll spend the night on the floor if you need me to." John told her, they left the boot room and began to walk towards the stairs. Anna turned as they walked, walking backwards as she spoke.
"I want to sleep with you, I don't know how soon I'll be able to..." she trailed off.
John nodded and looked into Anna's eyes. "It's all right Anna, I won't push you for a physical relationship faster then you're ready." Anna smiled as they ascended the stairs. They reached the top of the stairwell and Anna peeked into the maid's hallway before she motioned for him to follow her.
It took less time then John thought for them to get both beds shoved together. They quickly got ready for bed, Anna changing into a nightgown and John simply striped to his undershirt and pants. As they climbed into bed, Anna reached out for him. She didn't snuggle up to him like she had before but gripped his arm. "John?" Anna's voice was quiet, it still had a thick quality to it. Like she was about to cry but her eyes were clear of tears.
"Yes?"
"I-" Anna was suddenly unsure what to say.
"What is it love?" John asked, she could feel him shifting and making sure that she had plenty of blanket.
"I keep pinching myself." She tried to laugh, "You know and you're not..." John's hands came up to cup her face again.
"You are so strong Anna, going through this alone, but no longer, I'm here." His voice got low, taking upon the tone he usually used when they spoke quietly in the Servant's Hall. "You are my entire world Anna, the past few weeks have been hell." Anna nodded, her silent acknowledgment that it had been hell for her as well. "I've missed you, even the simple things. Seeing you in the morning, kissing you goodnight. Touching your hand as we pass each other in the hall. Seeing your smile during the day. Reading poetry with you at night."
Anna couldn't stop the tears, John knew and he didn't hate her, he wasn't going on the war path, he was standing by her. She could feel John's thumbs wiping her tears. "I knew you wouldn't leave but I felt so dirty, I wouldn't have blamed you." She could hear the disbelieving scoff and she kept talking. "I know he forced me but it felt like I'd been untrue to you." Anna played with her ring, she remembered when she'd thought of taking it off. Her breath hitched as she remembered the searing emotional pain she'd felt as she'd tried to take it off.
"What is it, love?"
"I'm just remembering..." she trailed off as she tried to decide whether or not to tell John she'd thought of taking the ring off.
"What?"
Anna took in a deep breath for courage. "After I moved back into my old room, I..." She twisted her ring around her finger to remind herself that it was still on. "I thought you'd hate me, for what he did."
"Oh Anna."
"I thought you would do better without me." She slid the ring on her finger.
"Anna, never."
"I thought..." Anna felt John's hands clasping hers. In the dark he fumbled with her hands, there was an intake of breath as he realized what she'd been doing, what she'd been thinking. His hands held hers and moved so that he slid her ring back on, much like he had when they'd gotten married.
"I won't stop you from taking your ring off, if it's what you really want. But I wish you wouldn't." Anna shook her head, beginning to cry again.
"No John." she said, her voice thick with tears. "I won't. Not ever."
"I'm glad to hear it." John said. "I adore you Anna, you are my world."
Anna sniffed and John's hands came up to wipe her tears, he was cupping her face much like he had earlier in the boot room.
She reached up, her hands covering his. She suddenly laughed, "What?" John asked.
"I forgot how big your hands are. How much taller you are then I am. I love how much bigger you are."
One of John's hands moved so he was running it through her hair. She sighed, content. She loved it when John played with her hair. "Anna?" John's voice was a whisper.
"Yes?"
"Can I kiss you?"
Anna smiled at his request, "Of course you can, silly." She knew that John would be gentle and not hurt her. He could touch her however he wanted.
She could feel John moving in the bed, then she felt John kissing her cheek in a very chaste kiss. Anna placed a hand on the back of John's head, keeping him there. She turned and their lips met for a moment, it was a very chaste kiss but Anna pulled away as memories of Green came flooding back. She stamped them down as John spoke.
"I wasn't expecting that."
"I've missed that, kissing you goodnight." Anna said.
"I've missed that too." John said. Anna yawned "You're exhausted. You should try to sleep."
Anna yawned and settled down to sleep. She could feel John's hand caressing her hair and she smiled in the dark. Sleep evaded her however and she soon set herself up on one elbow. "John, are you asleep?"
"No, I keep pinching myself." Even in the dark she could tell that John was smiling. "My worst nightmare has come true, you were hurt and I couldn't protect you. But we're talking and we're back in bed with each other. We'll get through this."
"We will get through this." Anna said, determined. "I know we will." She smiled and a hand reached out and patted his arm. "I feel like I've been in a cave since being raped, and then you found out and there's a light and I'm making my way out of the cave." She took in a breath, "even through I've been going through hell this month, that I'm your wife and you believe me, brings untold light and joy back into my life."
"You have brought untold joy and light into my life."
"When did you fall in love with me?" The question surprised him, but he thought for a moment.
"I fall in love with you every day." He said, "But I'll tell you about two times." He took in a breath and started talking.
"It was a normal day here at the Abbey and I was downstairs, you came down with Gwen and O'Brien. You looked so pretty, I think a couple of strands of hair had come out of your bun and the three of you were talking about something, I can't remember what exactly."
Anna giggled, the sound made his heart swell. "And?" She asked.
"And I was brought into the conversation, and then you said something and I fell in love with you."
"What did I say?" she asked.
John let his mind drift back to that day. "You said..." he paused for effect. "My name is Anna, I'm the head housemaid."
There was silence for a moment. "That was the day we met." Anna sounded like she was about to cry again and John used his thumbs to wipe her tears again.
"And I've loved and adored you ever since."
"You said you would tell me about two times you fell in love with me."
"This time that I'll tell you about is the time I realized just how much I love you." Anna nodded, she couldn't help but smile.
"It was at the Garden Party that the Crawley's had when we learned that England was at war with Germany."
"Yes?"
"Mr. Molseley asked me if anyone was keen on you,"
Anna laughed now the sound made his heart sing and he wished he could kiss her. "And what did you say?"
"After I managed to stamp down the sudden jealousy I felt, I told him that there was someone who was..." John lowered his voice now, "very keen on you."
"You were keen on me?" Anna asked, a teasing lilt in her tone.
"Yes, and I still am, you're my world Anna." Anna's sigh was wistful and John raised himself up on an elbow. "What is it love?"
Anna's head ducked, she always did that when she was embarrassed. "It's silly." John could tell his wife was smiling.
"Tell me."
Anna hesitated, "I-It feels like you've made love to me without the physical act." There was a pause. "I like it." One of her hands came out and rested on his chest. "I've missed you too." A yawn cut off what she had been about to say and John caressed her cheek.
"We need to sleep." John said.
"I feel like this is a dream, like I'll wake up and you won't be here." Anna said. "I don't want to risk you being gone when I wake up."
"I'll wake you before I go downstairs." John promised, Anna pressed a kiss to John's cheek. "Good night."
"Goodnight my love."
Something woke John about an hour later, he could feel Anna beside him, she was tense, and in the moonlight he could see her face was scrunched up in pain. A nightmare He realized.
"Anna, wake up."
Anna didn't wake right away, it took a few minutes but Anna finally woke, as she realized her surroundings. She started to cry and John gathered her in his arms, "I hoped that after you knew, the nightmares would go away." she told him.
"They'll go away in time." John promised.
"How..." Anna couldn't finish the sentence as she cried.
"I've had nightmares about what happened during the war, you've been through something as equally horrific." He cupped her face in both his hands. "The nightmares will go away in time."
She cried for several minutes, burying her head in his chest, like she had earlier in the boot room. The tears abated and soon she was simply hiccuping. "Oh Anna, you're so brave." She could hear John's voice rumble deep in his chest.
She clutched at him, hating the fear she felt when she touched her husband,but needing to touch him, to prove that he knew and wasn't leaving. He continued to talk quietly, telling her how much he loved her and how brave she was. Her tears slowly disappeared and she looked up at him, her eyes shining.
John wiped her tears once more, he hated to see her cry.
"I don't deserve you." Her voice quivered with emotion. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you'd blamed me or left."
"Anna, you are my entire world. Each morning when I wake up my first thought is you." He caressed her cheek and resisted the sudden urge to kiss her. "What can I do to make you happy?" One of Anna's hands came up and touched his. "What did I do to deserve you?" Anna gave him a watery smile, John kept talking. "How can I show you that I love you?"
"Just keep doing what you're doing." Anna interrupted him. "Seeing you greet me in the morning was the highlight of my day, since I moved back here."
"Really?"
Anna nodded, "I was so afraid that you would fly off the handle about my attack."
They continued to talk, only stopping when the sun began to rise. Anna looked exhausted and John wished there was a way to get Anna to take the day off, but he knew she wouldn't. They got ready quietly, both finishing and turning to look at the other one when they were done. "I should get downstairs before the maids wake up."
"Come here." Anna said, she went up on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to John's cheek. When she pulled back she could feel John's hands on her hips. He leaned down and kissed her cheek, "I love you."
"I love you too." Anna said quietly. They stepped apart, and Anna peeked out into the hallway to make sure that no one was about before she nodded for John to go downstairs. She would wait for a few minutes before going downstairs herself. She turned back to her room, she wanted to pack her things, she'd move back into the cottage tonight.
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