The sky turned black with malice. Someone up in the heavens wasn't happy. Hermes, the messenger for the gods, flew as fast as his winged sandals could take him. He bobbed and weaved through the darkened clouds until he crashed down to earth. Hiding in a nearby cave, he thought he was safe. But he wasn't. Jupid materialized in front of him with a giant nuclear cannon and aimed it squarely at the messenger's face.
"Hey, now! Let's not do anything rash," Hermes pleaded, his hands tossed up in defense.
But Jupid didn't like being reminded that he had a diaper rash, so he started charging the cannon.
"Whoa, whoa! Cool it! Haven't you ever heard that you shouldn't shoot the messenger? It's not my fault talcum powder's not a tax write-off anymore! Blame the new tax reform! Blame the IRS! Heck, blame anybody but me! I just deliver the letters, I don't write them!"
It was a sound, logical argument. But Jupid wasn't a sound, logical god. He fired his cannon, vaporizing Hermes along with a chunk of the planet. Then he scratched at his rash before flying away towards the nearest city. There was still hell to pay.
Meanwhile, completely unfazed by the sudden earthquake, nuclear fallout, and general sense of panic sweeping through the streets, Kairi stood next to the storefront window of the final video store on her list. She saved the best for last. This little vintage shop displayed an original on-set photograph taken by Quasimodo during the filming of Apudin. It was taken off the hip just before Danny DeVito finished his epic fight with Darth Vader's German Army. The photo was blurry and faded, but it was a definite must-have for any diehard collector.
So Kairi visited the shop every day, staring longingly at the photo while simultaneously putting together a scheme that would finally allow her to complete her collection. She waited day after day, watching and plotting until the day finally came when the heavens sent her a sign. It was a bank holiday, so the trash pickup wasn't coming. Kairi seized her opportunity. She grabbed a trashcan, smashed it into the window, grabbed the photo, and fled during the chaos.
If any other person had been on duty, maybe Kairi would've escaped. But Roxas made a promise to Axel—who made a promise to Hayner, who made a promise to his weekend assistant part-time manager at Walmart, who made a promise to his kid brother that worked at the video shop after school—that he'd watch over the store during the bank holiday so the kid could go to a live taping of That's SO Ricky. So Roxas chased after Kairi. They ran all through town, hopping onto a train that took them to Europe and then China, followed by a plane that took them to Australia, finishing off the trip on two submarines that sped through the Mariana Trench before crashing into each other, exploding, and sending their occupants flying all the way back to the video store.
"Give back the photo," Roxas demanded.
"Like, um, what photo?" said Kairi with a cutesy little giggle.
"That stupid one of Danny DeVito posing in front of a green screen."
"EX-SQUEEZE ME?" Kairi shrieked. "Stupid? Apudin is not stupid!"
"It's totally stupid," said Roxas.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yea-huh."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yea-huh."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yea-huh."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yea-huh."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yea-huh."
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yea-huh."
The two continued like that all day until Jupid sped by like a bullet and sent them flying. Kairi's purse fell, spilling its contents and Roxas quickly grabbed the discolored photo. He taped the photo on a wall inside the store and did the best he could to board up the window. It was then that his personal phone rang.
"You're where?" he said into the phone, shocked. "And you want me to what? What do you mean the photo doesn't matter? Ugh, fine. Couldn't you have called sooner? Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll bring it. Might take me a bit to get there, though. I've used all my frequent flier miles and the submarine's toast. Okay, see you when I get there."
Roxas hung up and dashed out of the store, not giving Kairi a second thought. The crazed Apudin fan overheard the whole exchange, and deftly snatched the photo the second she was in the clear. She kissed it all the way home. When she got back to her hoarder's house filled with almost all the Apudin memorabilia in the world, she began to plot her next great caper: stealing all the Apudin posters in town.
Meanwhile, Jupid had blown a hole the size of Wisconsin into the IRS's main compound.
"What's all the ruckus?" demanded a tax collector as she rolled out of her plus-sized cubicle. It was Roxanne O'Ghiri—Roxiri to her friends. She was in the middle of her third lunch and she wasn't happy about having to put down her bucket of fried chicken to deal with some flying baby.
Jupid didn't waste time explaining his frustration. He just fired his cannon at Roxiri then flipped the switch to detonate a ton of plastic explosives before flying away to buy some duty-free talcum for his bum-bum. The explosion shook the whole world and everyone enjoyed watching the fireworks display. Everyone except Roxiri, that is. At the last second, she managed to flush herself down the emergency escape toilet and lived to tax another day. She cursed that stupid Jupid as she rolled through sludge and grime to the IRS's next compound. At least she was able to pick up a replacement third lunch on the way by taking bits and pieces of her first and second lunch. Yum.
Half way across the world, Roxas arrived by taxi to some farm on a hill. He paid for the ride using the credit card he swiped off Kairi when she wasn't looking and then walked all the way to the center of the gigantic field carrying a tiny bundle of sticks. There, Roo bounced out from a nearby shed with a gardening book and instructed Roxas on how to plant the sticks. The two got to grueling, back-breaking work tilling the fields and planting sticks from the bundle Roxas lugged with him all around the world. After carefully planting, watering, singing to, and reading bedtime stories to all the sticks, they eventually multiplied into more sticks—really Pooh sticks—for Roxas to harvest and Roo to promptly deliver to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
The end.