Title:  Blood

Author:  Buffy_Angelus (Paige)

Rating:  PG-13

Disclaimer:  *sighs*  They don't belong to me.  None of the BTVS characters have ever belonged to me.  If they did, Doyle would not be dead, Angel would not be in L.A., Riley would turn out to be a corn demon and Buffy would destroy him, Willow would be with either Spike or Oz, Tara wouldn't be dead, Cordelia would be with Xander or Doyle, Connor would be with Dawn, Angel wouldn't have slept with Darla and there would be no Connor, (yes, I know, very conflicting, but I'm weird) hrm… I could go on for a long time.  Basically, me no own, you no sue.

Spoilers:  Season finale of Buffy and… I forget the title of the episode… but basically the season arc, ok?

Summary:  A newly ensouled Spike comes to find Willow, broken down from killing a human and still recovering from Tara's death.  S/W eventually, mentions of B/S.

Distribution:  E-mail me (Buffy_Angelus13@hotmail.com) and tell me where it's going.

Feedback:  Please!!!

A/N:  No flames, please.  I mean, I know S/W is really not a popular ship, but don't flame me just for writing it?  I mean, I used to read fics by authors that were super-weird ships, and I wondered why they were writing it, and when they watched BTVS or ATS, did they pray every episode that that couple would kiss or get together, etc.  Now that I've branched into weirdish ships, I understand that all we (or at least me) want to do is write about a ship we like.  I mean, when I watch Buffy I'm not praying for Willow and Spike to be together.  True, if you asked me during season 2 if Buffy and Spike would ever kiss, let alone sleep together, I would have laughed at you.  Still, I know they're never going to be together.  I just like writing them, because I enjoy the chemistry between them.  Ok?  So basically, the conclusion of this rambling is don't flame me just because you love B/S or W/O or W/T or S/Dru, S/A, whatever.  I mean, if you really don't like them together than DON'T READ THE FIC.  Ok?  And you can't say "Well you didn't TELL us that it was W/S" because I think I've clearly stated it.  Ok?  Ok.  Thanks.  This now ends my long rambling.  You may now sing Hallelujah and break out into a joyous chorus.

BTW there is a slight Angel crossover, but this fic will not end up B/A or anything like that, even though I love B/A.  One member appears for awhile, but then they are gone.

Willow stared at the dagger in her hands.  It was so brilliantly silver, gleaming with an evil intention.  She could see herself reflected in it.  My hair, my eyes, my skin, my nose, my body, my arms, my legs, me.  She uttered a dark laugh.  Funny how I look different after killing a human being.  She held the dagger up.  The point was severely keen, better for slicing things quickly and effectively.  She brought it down to arm and lay it there for a second.  Gently, she pressed the edge down into her skin, letting blood trickle out.  She winced as she cut deeper and then pulled it out.  She repeated the motion a few more times on that arm, and then continued to the next. 

Is this blood?  Is this the pain I caused? she wondered.  Is this life?  Spike had said that blood was life.  Blood was everything, to the dead and to the living. Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead.  She could remember his words clearly.  Blood was life?  Than why did she feel so dead?

"Buffy, you have to let me in!  BUFFY!" Spike yelled at her door.  He had been there for nearly three hours, trying to find a way in.  He found none.  He had to get to her, redeem himself for everything he had ever done.  Yet how do I convince her I'm a changed man?  By not raping her the second I see her?  He nearly broke down crying at that thought, yet he managed to keep the tears in. 

"Buffy!  Why aren't you answering?" he moaned, sliding to the ground.

"Because I'm not home," Buffy said coldly, walking up the dark steps. 

"Buffy!  Thank god!" he exclaimed, breathing a sigh of relief. 

"What do you want?  To rape me again?" she asked sarcastically.  "God knows I would love for that to happen."

"No!  I know what I have done to you is awful!  And I can't be more sorry for it!  Buffy," Spike said, grabbing ahold of her arm.  "You have to believe me!  I'm a changed vampire!"

"You might think that will work on me," Buffy said, "but it won't.  Spike, why don't you just—"

"It's not Spike," he said harshly.  "It's William!"  Buffy stared at him for a moment.

"Spike…er… William… you shouldn't have come back from wherever you were.  Go back.  We were finally getting things back to normal around here.  I don't need you messing things up."

"Buffy, I have a soul," Spike said, pleading her to understand.

Buffy let out a harsh laugh.  "Ha!  Nice try, William, but that's not going to work on me!"

"I did," he said hoarsely.  "In Africa.  I was going to get the chip out, but he misunderstood me.  He returned my soul.  Guess I'm the newest poof."

"No, you're just a lame-ass vampire who is unwanted," Buffy said, opening her door.  "Good-bye, Spike."  She slammed the door.

"IT'S WILLIAM!"

The dagger glinted from the sunlight streaming in from the wide window.  Willow sighed and stood, up, stretching.  When had she fallen asleep?  Probably after the seventh hour of feeling sorry for myself.  She closed the window and pulled down the blinds, cutting out the only source of light in the room. 

"Hello?!" a voice called from outside.  Willow frowned and narrowed her brow curiously.

Who could that possibly be? She wondered.  I moved here after…  Willow practically broke down thinking of her.  After the whole Tara's death making me going crazy with dark magic and almost ending the world thing. 

And she had.  After Xander had stopped her from ending the world, she had hidden from her friends.  She had found a small apartment in the "bad" part of Sunnydale.  Willow had hid from her friends and anything that reminded her of what she had done.  Yet her past never stopped haunting her. 

She plopped back onto the couch and glanced at the dagger.

This is wrong!  Cutting is bad!  It only hurts me! she screamed at herself.  But isn't that what I want?  Pain?  A harsh voice filled her head.  It's what you deserve.

"Let me in, please!" the voice continued to cry.  Willow sighed and walked over to the door, unlatching the lock.

"Spike?" she asked in shock.  "What are you doing here?  How did you even know I was here?"

"I saw you leave it last night.  I was just walking by trying to find Buffy on patrol," Spike explained, sitting down.  Willow closed the door.

"Well why are you here?  When did you get back?" Willow asked rapidly.

"I'm here for your help.  I need Buffy," Spike plead.

Willow let out a harsh laugh.  "Like I would help you find my best friend, coincidentally also the woman you raped.  Remember that?" she added as she saw his face fall.

"You don't understand!  No one does!"

"I don't care.  I don't care about anything, much less about you and her.  Not like I want to talk to her anyways," she muttered.

"You don't understand!  I'M NOT THAT MAN!  I HAVE A SOUL!  THE BLOODY CHIT IN AFRICA GAVE ME A FUCKING SOUL!  WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?"

"It's been done, Spike," Willow said dryly.  "Remember Angel?  He was that tall, dark, brooding guy."

"I know!  You're a witch, just use your magic to 'sense' it or whatever you bloody do!" he yelled.  Willow's face darkened.

"No," she said hoarsely, walking away from him.

"Why not?  You can see for yourself.  Or get your little girlfriend to do it.  She's a wicca, right?" he wondered.

Willow's face became blank and empty.  "Leave," she said in a hauntingly expressionless voice.

"What's the matter with you?" he wondered.  "What happened while I was gone?"

"Tara's dead," she said with the same voice, her eyes staring at the wall across her, completely void.  Spike stared in shock.  "Yep," she continued, with a dark laugh.  "Warren tried to get Buffy and ended up getting Tara.  I tried to bring her back, but it didn't work.  So I decided to repay Warren for his service."  She walked to the small kitchen nook in the corner of the tiny room.  "Would you like a cup of tea?"

"I… I don't understand," Spike said.  "That doesn't explain… well it explains everything, but I still don't get it."

"He killed Tara," she said, her eyes still showing no feeling or pain.  "I killed him.  I tried to kill Jonathan and Andrew, but they escaped with Buffy's help.  Then Giles tried to take me down—he borrowed some magic from a friend," Willow added at Spike's confused expression, "but I still was able to overcome him.  Nearly killed him."  There's that dark laugh again, Spike thought as she chuckled.  "I tried to end the world, but Xander stopped me.  And now I'm this… this shell of what I used to be.  Hardly worth living."  Her voice began to wobble.  "Not at all worth living actually."  She reached for the dagger and rolled up her long sleeves.  Spike gasped at what he saw.  Instead of her normally pale white skin, there were hundreds of red streaks along her arms, scars from multiple cuts.  She brought the dagger to her arm and slowly cut a long slit.  She made her way for her other arm but Spike grabbed the dagger from her.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" he shouted.  "You have everything worth living for!  You're redeemable!  You killed one human because he killed you girlfriend and tried to kill your best friend!  Think about me!  I've killed hundreds, thousands of people throughout my life, and I'm going to live an eternity hearing these damn voices in my head, screaming at me for killing them!  Oh yeah," he finished sarcastically.  "You're much worse person than me."

"You didn't have a soul!" she shouted, leaking some emotion into her words.  "You were a soulless, evil fiend!"

"Yes, thank you for cheering me up," he said, sarcasm dripping from his words.

"I'm a human being!  I have a soul!"

"Well so do I!"

"This is all my fucking fault!" Willow screamed.  "I should have been the one to be shot!  I should have protected Buffy or Tara!  I oculd have saved her!"

"No, it's my fault!" Spike yelled back.

Willow stopped her rantings of fury to stare at him.  "You?  You were in Africa!  How is this possibly your fault?"

"Well, if I hadn't been in Africa I would have been in Sunnyhell, and she would have been trying to stake me or I would have been bugging her somewhere else and Warren wouldn't have been there to shoot your girlfriend and so she would live and I could protect Buffy from Warren," he said.  He took an unneeded breath.  "Simple as that."

"It's all my fault, Spike!  I could have done something!  I should have figured out something!" she cried.  Spike took her into his arms. 

"It's all right, Red," he whispered.  "You're not at fault here.  Warren is, and you took care of him."  Willow pulled herself slightly away from him.

"I just can't live without her," Willow whispered, gazing up into his crystal blue eyes.  "She was everything to me.  I'll never find anyone like her again."  Spike nodded and returned her gaze.

"I know the feeling."

Willow tilted her chin up to Spike's and slowly drew his head nearer to hers.  She quickly found his lips with hers as they began to kiss passionately.  After a few moments, Spike pulled away.

"Oh, god, this is so wrong!" Spike shouted.

"God, I'm such a horrible person!  I'm making out with a vampire because I'm lonely!" Willow yelled.

"I'm an evil person!  I've killed hundreds of thousands!  I don't deserve someone as amazing as you!"

"You think I'm amazing?" Willow asked timidly, smiling for the first time in months.

"Of course," Sipke said hoarsely.  She pulled him in and began to kiss him more roughly.

"No!" Spike yelped after giving into the blind passion.  "You should be with someone better!  God, I can't do this!  I can't let you sink this low!"  He raced out of her apartment.  Willow slowly closed the door behind him. 

He never wanted me, she thought bitterly.  He just said he didn't deserve me so he could make a quick escape.  When he kissed me he was thinking about her.  Willow, not conscious of her actions, brought the dagger up from the table and created more slits in her arms.  It's me who doesn't deserve him.  It's all me.  Me.  All my fault.  My fault.  My fault.  Myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault.  The blood ran down Willow's arms as her cuts got deeper and deeper.  My fault, she thought one last time before she collapsed onto the ground, the blood forming a pool around her body.