Title: Baby it's cold outside
Author: Little Miss Defensive
Rating: T [just in case]
Summary: Set during HBP... It's Christmas, and Tonks is alone. But in my story an owl changed that for her. A little angsty one piece. RLNT
Pairing: Tonks/Lupin
Authors Note: I couldn't resist. I'm re-reading the HP books in anticipation for the movie... So I can't stop the ruddy plot bunnies bouncing around in my brain. I don't know if anyone will even read my HP fanfiction! But I'll publish it just in case. :)
Please let me know what you think.
..
It snowed overnight. Normally I love having a white Christmas, but today when I look outside everything just looks cold and dreary. I have wandered from room to room in my house all morning, not one owl has arrived to wish me Merry Christmas. I know I've been hard to live with lately, but come on, it's Christmas.
When I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror, or the window as I pace an involuntary shiver runs through me. To be honest this is the first time I've not been able to use my metamorphmagus powers. It scares me, not that I've told anyone that. I shrug of the questions, I shrug of everything now. I live in fear that one day I will receive the news that Remus has been killed by Fenrir. He may be running away from me, my feelings for him are too much for him to bear... But that will never stop me from loving him. He can run all he likes, he can tell me to move on all he likes, but my heart will always belong to him.
A tapping at the window makes me trip, I fall hard on my knees and for a moment I wonder if I should bother getting up. I stay kneeling awkwardly where I landed for a couple of minutes, but the tapping won't stop so I slowly raise my head to look at the window. An owl is hovering, pecking the window impatiently. I stand, and brush off my knees. May as well see who it is. Maybe I'm needed at work. I open the window and the owl lands on my outstretched hand. I shut the window quickly before any more cold air seeps in, and the little barn owl fluffs up her feathers in delight at being inside in the warmth.
"Let's sit by the fire while I read this, shall we?" The owl flutters up to my shoulder and I head into the lounge, collapsing, exhausted onto the couch. It's mental exhaustion though, the emotional distress I've been in has taken it's toll, and I no longer go a day without feeling weak with exhaustion.
Dear Nymphadora,
I hear you're spending Christmas alone. Please, if you're not going to visit your family come to The Burrow. I will leave if I must, but I don't want you spending Christmas alone. Please respond as soon as you can, I'm worried.
Yours,
Remus
I sit, staring at the letter in my hands for a while, I don't know how long exactly but it feels like ages. My hands begin trembling, and my eyes fill with tears, my heart aches horrible in my chest. Merlin, he was so selfless, so kind... Yet he makes me so angry. I know how he feels for me; I know he loves me back. But he's running scared, afraid of having his heart broken, afraid of disappointing me, afraid of hurting me. It takes me a while to get control of my emotions, but eventually I accio over a piece of parchment and quill, and I write back.
Wotcher Remus,
It's not Nymphadora, it's Tonks. Yuck, I don't even like writing the name 'Nymphadora'.
I look at the words, and wonder if I'm trying too hard to be casual, I want him to feel like I'm okay, feel like I'm happy... So I'm trying to remember what I would have said before he broke my heart.
Thanks for the offer, but I'm fine. You need the company more than I do, I can see the Weasley's whenever I fancy, you can't. Enjoy your time, say Merry Christmas to everyone from me.
Yours,
Tonks
I rolled up the parchment and attached it to the owl's leg, and opened the nearest window letting her go. She looked grumpy about being thrown out into the cold again, but I couldn't do anything about that. I wandered from the window, and into the kitchen. I grab a butterbeer, and head into the lounge, curl up on my couch and sip from the bottle now and again, lost in my thoughts on Remus. I wondered how he was doing with his mission with the other werewolves; I wondered whether he thought of me as often as I think of him... somehow I doubt that very much.
..
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is a waking to a knocking at the door. I stretched and the empty butterbeer bottle fell onto the ground. The knocking came again, and I sighed.
"Coming," I called out tiredly, and pulled out my wand. "Who is it?" I asked as I reached the door.
"It's me, Tonks... It's Remus." I froze, a million thoughts tried to rush to the forefront of my mind but in their rush I just found my head was blank. Remus? Had he changed his mind? Was he angry with me? Did he pity me? I couldn't stop the flood of thoughts, and could barely catch each one before it disappeared. "Dora..." At that nickname, I quickly undid my security charms and opened the door. My eyes ached, and I knew that I would probably cry again. He had lost a lot of weight, and his ragged robes hung torn and loose. I stood to the side to let him into my home, and shut the door. I stayed facing the door for a bit, trying to catch my breath and calm my thoughts.
"Wotcher," I said quietly when I turned to face him. I couldn't meet his eyes. How pathetic must he think I am my limp hair my pallid skin, the change in my patronus... The latter was not a secret well kept, and I was sure he had heard.
"Tonks... Why are you here, all alone? It's Christmas." He stepped forward, and I stepped back bumping into the door. I saw a flash of hurt on his face, and a sudden rush of anger flooded my body.
"Better alone than with you...!" I said angrily, trying to keep myself from yelling. "Stop feeling sorry for me, just leave, I can't stand you looking at me like that. Maybe I'm hurting you right now, but it's nothing to what I feel every day without you!" He stared at me, uncomprehending for a moment.
"I'm... Sorry." A sob left my throat, and I sunk to the floor in front of the door, wrapping my arms around my knees and tucking my head down so my limp hair would cover my face and my tears. "Tonks..." I felt him move closer, and out of the corner of my eye crouch in front of me. His hand runs through my hair pulling it from my face. "I think of you almost every minute of every day. I love you so much, and that is why I can't be with you. I'm a werewolf, which is bad enough – but I'm also on a mission that could endanger those close to me. If Fenrir smelled you on me..." He shuddered and I could feel the fear emanating from him.
"Lupin... We're at war. I'm in danger every day." I mumble into my knees. He moved closer, and his warm lips touched my forehead.
"I hate hurting you, I hate it so much." My tears slowed, and exhaustion followed. I couldn't move, and it hurt to breathe. I sniffled pathetically, and he put his arms around me. "Let me help you to the couch Tonks..." I didn't move; I couldn't. I didn't speak, because I'd lost my voice too. I suddenly felt I'd lost everything. I didn't want to fight anymore, what do I have to fight for? I tuned out his voice trying to coax me to my feet, and I felt numb and blank. I only snapped out of it when I felt myself being lifted into his arms. He took me to the couch and sat with me in his lap. I tucked myself to his body, and breathed in his scent, but still I couldn't speak, I could hear him muttering 'sorry, so sorry,' over and over again, and to my surprise when I finally found the energy to look up I found he had tears streaming down his face. I reached up, and brushed my hand down his face, over his wet and stubbly cheeks.
"I'm sorry too, for not making this easy for you." He looked down at me, a slight smile on his face.
"It could never be easy Dora, saying no to you." He sighed heavily, and we were both silent for a while, and I focused on his breathing. "Do you know what I do, to keep myself sane around those – those – savages?" He paused. "I daydream, about you. I dream of what it would be like if I were not a werewolf, I dream of what it would be like if you were mine –" He broke off, his voice pained. "This hurts me too sweetheart..." He stroked my hair. "I don't want to lead you on; I shouldn't tell you all that I do. I should make it easier and tell you I don't love you. But I'm a hopeless liar, and I don't like doing it either."
"Oh Remus," my throat ached, and my eyes stung but I couldn't cry anymore. I just tucked myself tighter against him. "Life is so cruel..." He agreed, and rested his head against the top of my head. I wished we could stay like this forever.
The End.