Be nice. This is my first ever fanfiction.
XXX
FIRST REJECTION: You are a hypocrite, you know that? All or nothing. Does it ring a bell? I cannot marry you, knowing that I share your heart with somebody else. Your proposal is an upstart, but it is not enough to convince me. Are you ready to put all her memories - both the good and the bad - away so that you could make new ones with me? Are you ready?
...are you sure? Think about it. I know that rejecting this proposal will hurt you. A lot. It will hurt me too, but probably not as much as it will do to you. I can feel it, you see. I can feel that you have feelings for me, but she is still up there, whilst I stand far, far below her, feeling like a heartbroken heap of mess. She is your goddess, your otherworldly oasis. You are now standing with me on top of this lower pedestal because you have no other choice/s. I can only be second, but you feel kindred toward me anyway, if only because I have shown you a brand of compassion you think you do not and will never deserve from a fellow mortal.
Can you stomach being with a woman who is the exact opposite of your swan? Can you stomach being with a woman who hits you when you are being stupid? Can you stomach a woman who talks too much? Can you stomach a woman whose beauty probably exists just in the planes of imagination? Can you stomach me, really?
I do not know what pushed you to pop this question. Perhaps, our friends expected it. Perhaps, you feel pressured. But I did not expect this at all, coming from you-a person whose loyalty I have come to know as one of the most admirable in this world. And now I am trying to be honest with my feelings toward you. You love me, I know, but it is not enough.
This feels like sacrilege. I want to vomit. I feel sorry for her.
And with that, my reply to you is no. I cannot marry you.
SECOND REJECTION: You loved her, you say. It was a different thing, you say. Both of you found happiness whilst being surrounded by difficult and painful circumstances, you say. It was a miracle, you say. It was peace amid bloodlust and greed, you say. It was nothing more, you say.
You still love her, you say, if only because you feel grateful for everything she has done to you. And here I am now shedding a tear or two for you, feeling proud of what you have come to accomplish within a short week after my rejection. But you see, I still cannot marry you.
Do not cry. Please, do not cry. I do not intend to be mean. I know that more than anyone else in this world, you deserve a happy life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be at peace. The thing is though, are you ready to allow yourself to indulge in these things? How can you be happy if you continuously call yourself unworthy? I cannot marry a man who carries around heavy sacks of sorrow and despair wherever he goes and who denies everyone who offers him a hand. Even I. I cannot marry a man whose situation is THAT heavy and add more to the weight, the burden.
You understand what I mean, right? No, I am not referring to her. I can be imposing, demanding. And because of your guilt, you can be gullible, almost stupid. At this point, it will be a marriage of gagshow caliber. I wear the pants, you wear an apron and the stupid smile. I refuse to be in a laughable union.
Think about this proposal of yours, again. I will not wear this ring.
THIRD REJECTION: The change of pronoun is one thing. The attitude and firmly set shoulders are another and I cannot be prouder. Thank you for taking care of my dojo while I was away. Yes, I enjoyed my trip. It had been so long since I last visited my cousins in Yokohama.
You are ready, you say. And I believe you not just because we have not seen each other for two weeks...this time, I know it is real. I just know. Something in you has changed. You are willing to leave your past behind because for you, I am a necessity. I ask if you still love me despite my heartless declarations these past few weeks. You did not answer my question and I frowned. But before I was able to utter a sharp retort, you said that one does not simply love the air one breathes or the blood in one's veins. You love me, but I am also a necessity in your life. I smiled because that was exactly what I wanted to hear from you ever since...since the very beginning.
I wonder, though, is marriage really what you want from me? I love you and you love me. We are bound by love like lovers, friends and families. Perhaps, we can simply live out the rest of our lives as bestfriends and be as happy? Do you even know what marriage requires from a man? I will always remember the catfish incident. Now, can our relationship rival that one you shared with your swan?
You are mad. I understand. No, I am not afraid of your amber eyes. If I accept this proposal now, I will become your fiance, you see. I will have the right to ask you about your businesses outside my dojo yard. You will need to tell me everything, even the dreams.
Silly, huh? As your fiance, are you willing to share with me all the details of your nightly wanderings in dreamland? You still dream about her, I know. I hear you almost every night. You cannot be totally free, unless you allow yourself to. I am willing to lend an ear. I have always wanted to tell you that. I promise not to get hurt because I believe that you love me enough.
Huh? You do not dream about her anymore? Are you kidding me? Wait, where are you... going?
XXX
I cannot eat breakfast like this. Why are you not talking to me? Have I hurt your pride so much? I laugh sarcastically. Good. At least, I did not end up marrying a...
All of a sudden, I was tasting your lips. You pulled away as fast as you attacked and started speaking about the dreams. You told me about the smell of incense. You told me about blade that pierced through my heart. You told me about the scar on my cheek. You told me everything.
I did not know when I started crying. When I got my senses back, I was already wearing the ring and smiling.