(A/N) As you may realise, I am not John Green, and I do not own tfios or any of the characters. This is set after Gus has died, from Hazel's point of view. Incredibly short, but all the same; prepare for feels. (If you want any oneshots I'll gladly do them! Any fandom that I know, just PM me and I'll do my best to make you happy!)
The pain is indescribable. Unlike anything else I have ever felt. It doesn't explode like an under oxygenated brain. It isn't sharp like needles or papercuts. This is constant and empty and dreadful. Gus has been gone for only a few hours, but I already feel alone. Alone. I know I'm not, Mum and Dad are still here, listening out every second, making sure I'm coping. But not smothering me. I still have Isaac and Kaitlyn, aswell. But Gus has left me, and now I am without my other half. We are - were one, our love wasn't perfect, but I swear we were the same person. And now I am alone in this world, a gaping hole in my chest from where cancer ripped him from me.
And how that hole hurts. It's an empty, aching gap in my chest. Every time I breathe it hurts more and more, every heartbeat it feels wider and wider. I want to stop existing, crawl into bed and cease to feel. Surely nothingness would be better than this?
But I can't. It is my duty as a professional mourner. Gus is alive in my memories, everything we did together exists there. If I stop remembering, stop feeling like this, it will be an insult to him. Every moment we spent together would stop, it would be like we were never together. He always wanted to be important, to leave his mark on the world. To be remembered, idolised. Well, I will never forget him, for as short as I may live. I will miss him until the end of my days.
Memories are flashing through my head, and I want it to stop, because it hurts so much. I can't do this anymore. The first time he drove me to his house - his terrifying driving. Oranjee, sipping stars and feeling ecstatic. Every time he called me beautiful. Our first time. Our only time. They're so beautiful, that I just want to fall asleep, to dream forever. Because I can't bare to remember for a second longer. Alone. I am so, so alone. If I fall asleep I can live in the past. Dream of days that can never be. Dream of a world without cancer. A world that is a wish granting factory, that grants you wishes no matter how impossible they are.
Even if we only had one wish in this promising world. I know what I'd chose. I'd wish for cancer to be gone. If cancer never existed, then there would be no cause for Gus' death. My lungs would not suck at being lungs. I could have stayed with him - an hour, a day, a lifetime longer. We could have got married. I could have been a writer. I'd be a hell of a lot nicer than Van Houten. I think of Kaitlyn; she'll get married one day. She'll have children, her precious people will not be ripped from her.
Of course, I am being idiotic. Everything and everyone dies eventually. Everyone, even my sweet, sweet Gus, experiences oblivion in the end.