Disclaimer: I do very gladly not own Glee.
A/N: I have nothing to say, except I hope I don't scare any of you with this.
Leering Touches
„I don't feel love."
„Kurt."
„I don't even feel loved."
Blaine is left to only stare at Kurt.
"Everything I feel is that pain. The hurt. On the good days," Kurt sobs out, "On the good days it is numbing."
"You cannot do this to yourself."
"What? What am I doing…what have I ever done to myself?"
"I don't want you to feel numb," Blaine brings out.
"Maybe I do."
"You don't mean that Kurt," Blaine replies shaking his head with every bit of conviction he has.
Blaine reaches out for Kurt.
"Don't touch me," Kurt hisses at him, eyes full of dread that turns them hard and cold.
"I won't hurt you, how can you question that," Blaine looks horrified at the idea of Kurt thinking that.
"Don't you understand…," Kurt shouts, then grows quiet all of a sudden.
That abrupt quiet is much more worrying to Blaine than all of Kurt's shouting and crying the last weeks has ever been.
Trying to reach out for his boyfriend once more, Blaine freezes mid-motion as he hears Kurt say, in a suprisingly loud voice, "…that's right, because I never told you."
"Kurt?"
No answer.
"Didn't tell me what Kurt?" Blaine chokes out, unsure if he wants to know, as certain as one person can be that he needs to. "Didn't tell me what Kurt?" And there is that desperate tone to Blaine's voice again.
"ARGH!" It is all Kurt brings out before cowering curled up on himself in the middle of the room, on the ice-white, blank floor.
"Babe," Blaine says as he moves to tenderly rest a hand on Kurt's right shoulder.
But at the barest contact Kurt is on his feet again, stumbling backwards towards the end of the room, as far away as possible from Blaine, shouting "Don't," in a desperate voice. His eyes never leaving Blaine.
Then he suddenly sounds pleading, "Stay away please."
"Kurt, Love. I don't understand. I know he hurt you, raped you." Blaine chockes out, "But you know I would never hurt you. Never."
"I know," Kurt says, sinking down against the wall, "But that makes no difference anymore."
As Blaine slowly walks over, Kurt's eyes follow Blaine's every step. And Kurt bursts into tears when he remembers that once having been a good thing, not being able to take his eyes of his beautiful, talented, lovely, loving boyfriend; and the dancing and singing and laughing together.
"I miss you so much," Blaine whispers as he sinks down against the same wall but meters away from Kurt, crying tears as heavy as Kurt's.
"I miss missing you so much," Kurt half-echoes Blaine's utterance, meaning distorted by such a tiny change so easily, 'Like I am distorted,' Kurt cannot help but think.
"Please, tell me, Kurt," Blaine begs, "Allow me to try to help."
"You know what happened."
"I clearly am missing something very important."
'Important, Blaine still thinks there are things that are important', Kurt thinks. While Kurt himself cannot find anything matters anymore.
'But,' Kurt thinks, 'even if it does not help me it might help him move on, I have nothing to give anymore to Blaine but Blaine himself, his freedom to move on from me. He deserves better than being weighed down by me.'
"You were all so relieved I did not have to stay in the hospital too long. His touches were disgusting, especially in their…I don't know what to call it. Lightness? Softness?" He tries to bring out the word "Gentlene…", but Blaine watches Kurt choke on the absurdness of a rape having anything to do with such a word, and suddenly Kurt, clasping his hands over his mouth, is scrambling to his feet and running into the bathroom.
Blaine is by his side in seconds, and watches helpless as his boyfriend, who hasn't eaten in days, keeps dry-heaving into the toilet.
"I want to hold you," Blaine sounds so desperate.
"You cannot, Blaine, you cannot do that to me. I wish he had beaten me up and bruised me, and almost killed me," Kurt sobs.
"Don't say that," Blaine whispers to not startle Kurt more.
"Don't you understand. If only it had been brutal I could at least find comfort in your touch right now. And stop whispering, please. He did that too."
"I am sorry," Blaine speaks up immediately.
"I want to want you to hold me. But every truly gentle touch of yours brings back his leering lingering…" and with that Kurt is dryheaving again for minutes.
When he stops he brings himself to say, "There was nothing gentle about any of those touches, nothing true. But he is in my head. I don't know how to get him out. I don't know."
"What can I do for you Kurt? Love, there must be something!"
"No. Right now…there, there is nothing."
Overwhelmed by the constant strain of intense emotion and the lack of nutrition Kurt moments later collapses on the bathroom floor.
Blaine has him wrapped in his arms within seconds, moves to moisten a washcloth and gently cleans the most crude of dirt, mixed with cold sweat and tears, of Kurt's face.
As Blaine carries Kurt into their bedroom he says in a loud and clear voice, "I am not giving up on you, Love."
"Love," Kurt mumbles back out of his dreamscape.
"Yes Kurt, Love."