So I've been reading a lot of great stories on here recently and they inspired me to start writing again after a break of several years. This idea popped into my head last weekend after watching "There But For The Grace of God" and I just had to write it down. It's Elizabeth's thoughts on how she made her decision to quit the CIA rather than go to Iraq. In the flashback scene with her and Henry in the kitchen she seemed so excited about the job, but she doesn't seem like the type of character who would quit her job because her husband gave her an ultimatum, so I thought I would explore her decision making process a bit. It is a long story but it sort of just flowed as I was typing it and I couldn't figure out where to put chapter breaks so I thought I'd post it as a one-shot, albeit a very long one! I hope you enjoy...
"If you go, I don't know what it'll look like when you get back"
Henry's words resonated around the kitchen as he turned and walked away leaving Elizabeth in stunned silence. Elizabeth barely had time to comprehend his statement before her phone rung, seeing who the caller was she knew she had no choice but to answer.
"Conrad, hi".
"Have you made a decision yet?" her boss demanded.
Elizabeth gulped. After her exchange with Henry she was in no position to answer her boss. She wanted the job, but she wanted Henry too.
"I thought I had until Monday" she stated in a calm, controlled voice. A voice that did not remotely correlate to how she was feeling at the moment.
"Elizabeth, things are happening faster than I thought. I've had to relieve the current station manager of his duties, I need your answer sooner rather than later."
"Um, Henry and I are still discussing..." she began but trailed off as she heard the front door slam. Immediately she was overcome with panic. Henry couldn't be...not now...surely?
"Conrad, I've got to go" she stated as she hung up the phone and raced to the front door.
"Henry!" she exclaimed as she threw open the front door and called out to husband who was just getting into their car.
Hearing his name being called Henry turned round with a surprised look on his face "What?" he questioned.
"Where...?" Elizabeth started, her voice catching at the sight of her husband evidently leaving her.
"I'm going to pick up the kids from horseriding" he informed her, slightly confused by her panicked expression.
"Oh, right" she said, relief flooding through her body. "I'll see you in a bit" she said rather awkwardly as she realised how she'd over reacted.
"Bye" she heard Henry call as she turned away and shut the door behind her. She couldn't watch him drive off the driveway, not after what he'd just said.
Elizabeth returned to the kitchen to finish preparing lunch. Had Henry really just given her an ultimatum? Their family or her job? Didn't he understand that she had to go to Baghdad, she had to make the world a better place for their kids to grow up in. She couldn't let them grow up in a world where planes could be hijacked and flown into buildings killing thousands of people. She couldn't let them grow up in a world where her beloved country thought torture was ok to get what they wanted. She couldn't let them grow up in a world full of destruction and hatred.
She wasn't naive, she didn't think that she herself could fix Iraq. But she could help. She'd been to Baghdad, she'd met the Iraqi people. The majority of the Iraqis wanted peace, they wanted their country to succeed - they just needed help doing it and she could help. If she could succeed in Iraq then her children would be one step closer to living in a safe, peaceful world. A world in which they could go to work and not have to worry about planes being flown into their office, or a dirty bomb being unleashed on the subway, or a nuclear attack, or a suicide bomber. The longer she thought about it the more angry she became with Henry. She wasn't going to Baghdad for her, she was going to secure the future for their children, for their children's children - why couldn't he understand that?
So distracted was she by her thoughts that she didn't hear Henry pull into the driveway and was startled when she heard the front door open and the sound of her daughter's arguing and what sounded like Jason crying. Curious she moved toward the hallway.
"Mummy!" Jason shrieked as soon as he saw her and all but threw himself towards her from his father's arms. If it wasn't for her Henry's marine training and her quick reactions she was pretty sure her son would have fallen to the floor.
Casting a concerned look at Henry as she took a wailing Jason from her husband's arms she could see the signs of stress on his face. "He's been crying for you ever since I picked him up" he informed her as they juggled their son, his attention turning to his arguing daughters once Jason was safely in his mother's arms.
"What's the matter baby?" she gently asked her son as she smoothed the hair off his forehead, noting that it felt rather warm.
"Mummy, I don't feel good..."
No sooner had the last word left Jason's mouth then she felt his warm vomit all over the front of her t-shirt. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and swallowed down her own nausea. She was a CIA Analyst, a trained interrogator and negotiator. She'd dealt with the worst of humanity, ordered things to be done to people that she never thought she would, seen things that no one should have to see; but she could not deal with vomit.
"Ew gross!"
Henry's turned his attention back to his wife as he heard his daughter's exclamation, to see her visibly paled and covered in sick holding an almost hysterical Jason.
"Babe, you ok?" he asked with concern, knowing his wife's aversion to vomit.
"Yeah" she whispered as she opened her eyes and focused on her husband. "I'm going to take us upstairs to get cleaned up. You'll get the girls their lunch?" she asked quietly, fighting down a wave of nausea as the smell of vomit hit her nostrils. At least her shirt had taken the whole hit meaning the carpet had been saved.
"Sure. Come on girls" he said as he ushered his daughter's towards the kitchen, his arm squeezing her shoulder in support as he went by.
Turning her attention back to Jason she tried to soothe him as best she could as she carried him upstairs. If she didn't calm him down she knew he would be sick again.
"Shhh, baby. It's ok, Mummy's here" she whispered against his forehead as he sobbed uncontrollably into her shoulder and snuggled himself against her soiled clothes. Elizabeth tried not to cringe at the sensation and forced her focus to stay on her son.
She went straight into the bathroom and started the task of trying to shed her and Jason's clothes, but Jason would not let go of her.
"No Mummy!" he shrieked as she tried to set him on the counter "Mummy no!"
"Come on baby" Elizabeth coaxed "We need to get out of our clothes and you'll feel better after a bath"
"No! No bath!" Jason shrieked, increasing his distress. "Just Mummy!" he screamed as he tightened his grip around her neck.
Elizabeth sighed. How could she have been so stupid as to mention a bath? Recently Jason had been going through his bath avoidance phase and she'd just made everything worse by mentioning the bath. Despite the situation she had to refrain from chuckling when she realised she was going to have to use her best CIA negotiation skills if she wanted to get Jason into the bath.
"Jason. The bath will make you feel better I promise" she whispered into his ear as she gently tried to coax his arms from her neck.
"No" he stated adamantly against her shoulder and she could feel his head shake against her neck as his little arms tightened further.
"You can have bubbles" she coaxed, causing a slight pause in Jason's sobs.
"Special bubbles?" he mumbled against her shoulder after a moment, calming somewhat.
For reasons unbeknownst to her, Jason adored the smell of her most expensive bubble bath, the stuff she only used on the most special of occasions. Today seemed like one of those days.
"Yes, special bubbles" Elizabeth agreed.
"And big bubbles" Jason asked hopefully.
Elizabeth refrained from sighing. She really did not want to bathe Jason in her and Henry's ensuite, but the bath in their bathroom did have a jacuzzi setting and they sometimes let their kids use the jacuzzi as a treat.
"Big bubbles too" she agreed. So much for being a top CIA negotiator, so far her son was getting everything and she had nothing.
"Mummy come too?" Jason asked as he shifted and peaked at his mother.
"Mummy will come too" she acquiesced, she could probably do with a bath given the fact that Jason's squirming had done nothing to help the vomit situation on her own clothes and body.
"'Kay" Jason finally agreed, his cries now reducing to sniffles.
Carrying Jason into her and Henry's ensuite she turned on the bath taps and then gently deposited Jason on the counter. This time he let her and she managed to strip them both, despite how clingy Jason was being. She was quite proud of herself that she even managed to swill the soiled garments out in the sink whilst she waited for the bath to fill, thankful that the fragrance from the bubble bath was masking the smell of their clothes. At that moment the bubble bath was worth every cent.
"Come on baby" she said once the bath filled as she lifted both herself and Jason into the lukewarm water knowing that the cool bath would help Jason's temperature.
Jason settled into her lap and she let herself just enjoy the moment as she held him. It was so rare nowadays that Jason let her hold him like this and she missed it. As far as he was concerned he was a "big boy" now and big boys didn't need their mummy's - until they were ill that is, or got a boo boo, or got into a fight with their sisters. She held her youngest child against her watching him giggle as he played with the bubbles, the bubbles providing enough of a distraction that she could sponge him down with the cool water without him getting distressed. A small smile formed on her lips as she thought that anyone seeing them now would have no clue that Jason had been in full on meltdown only 10 minutes before.
"Mummy, you said we could have big bubbles" Jason reminder her after several minutes, looking up at her with big doeful eyes - Henry's eyes - and a stab of pain ran through her as she remembered their earlier exchange about Baghdad, about how Jason wouldn't even remember her.
"You're right, sweetheart" she said as she switched on the jacuzzi setting in the bath.
Almost immediately the sound of Jason's giggles filled the bathroom and her heart filled with warmth and love, she couldn't help but hold him a little closer. Her mind couldn't help but wonder if going to Baghdad would be worth it to miss moments like this. Her babies wouldn't be babies forever, heck, two of her babies were already in school and Stevie would be starting middle school in the fall.
She was brought out of her reverie as she felt Jason's body sag against her and she looked down to see his eyelids dropping heavily. It seemed that this bug was really starting to take a hold of Jason.
"Come on baby, time to get out" she whispered as she tightened her hold around Jason and felt her son do the same as she lifted them out of the bath together. Jason was barely awake now and drying him off proved a challenge as he returned to his clingy state. Somehow she managed to wrap herself in her dressing gown and Jason in a towel before she headed out of the bathroom, surprised to see Alison standing in her bedroom.
"Hey noodle" she greeted softly, cautious of not disturbing Jason "What've you got there?"
"I made you a sandwich, mummy. Daddy said I could bring it to you, it's a fluffynutter" she answered proudly.
Eating was the last thing Elizabeth felt like doing but there was no way she was going to let that small proud smile disappear from her youngest daughter's face.
"Thank you noodle, that's very thoughtful" she said as she took the plate out of her daughter's hand and placed it on the bedside table, realising as she did so that she had no clean clothes for Jason in her room. "Could you also be mummy's helper and get Jason some pyjamas from his room?" she asked her daughter kindly.
"'Kay!" Alison exclaimed joyfully and a wave of gratitude rushed through Elizabeth that she had been blessed with such a kind and gentle daughter. Alison might be the worrier in the family, but she was also her sweetest child.
She carefully laid Jason on her bed, his tiny face screwing up as he realised she'd let go of him.
"Mummy..." he moaned, reaching up to try and grab her.
"Shhh Jason, mummy's here. I just need to put some clothes on and then I'll be right back. I'm not going anywhere" she soothed as she stroked his cheek, her voice catching on the last word as she realised she might be going somewhere, somewhere very far away, very soon.
Elizabeth had just enough time to throw on some old clothes - because she had a feeling that if one of her children had a sickness bug, they would all be coming down with it - before Alison came running back into the room with Jason's pyjamas.
"Got them Mummy!" she exclaimed gleefully.
"Thank you noodle" Elizabeth said as she took the clothes out of Alison's hand and hastily dressed Jason in them with only minimal protest from her son, indicating just how poorly he was.
Picking Jason up with the intention of placing him in his own bed she was surprised to see Alison still standing in the doorway looking rather awkward.
"What's up, noodle?" she enquired with concern.
Alison looked at the floor and started fidgeting "Um, you said you'd help me with my homework, mummy".
A shot of pain ran through Elizabeth's heart as she remembered Alison's homework. She had to put together her family tree and she needed photo's of her grandparents and her uncle. She remembered when Stevie had had the same assignment and the bittersweet memories of going through her old photo albums to find pictures of her family. Henry had done his side of the family with Alison last night and she'd promised to do her side of the family with her this afternoon. Feeling Jason snuggle further into her arms Elizabeth had an idea.
"Why don't you go and ask Daddy to bring up the photo albums and we'll sit on the bed and find you some photos?" she said brightly, not wanting to let her daughter know how pained she felt having to look through the old photos of her parents.
"'Kay!" Alison exclaimed brightly as she ran out of the room and downstairs to her father.
Elizabeth pulled back the duvet and settled in the bed with Jason's head in her lap as she tucked him into her side, his little arm snaking around her leg and gripping it surprising tight as he fell to sleep almost immediately. She brushed her hand through his hair as she heard her daughter come running back upstairs and throwing herself on her parents massive bed, Henry not far behind.
"Thought you might need this too" he said as he deposited the photo albums and the sick bowl next to Elizabeth. "How's he doing?"
"Thanks" she said softly, her stomach churning at the thought of the sick bowl having to be used. "He hasn't been sick again but he still has a temperature" she said taking in her son's flushed cheeks.
At this Henry turned and went into their ensuite, returning moments later with a cool, damp washcloth for Jason. He gently placed it on his son's head and Elizabeth would be lying if she said her heart didn't skip a beat as she watched how tender and loving Henry was being with Jason. She also noticed he'd picked up the dirty clothes and the sandwich from the bedside table and a wave of gratitude washed over her that Henry would take care of it.
"You sure you're ok to do this?" Henry asked with concern.
"Yeah, I got through it with Stevie, I can get through it with Alison" she replied with a weak smile looking up into Henry's eyes. Despite the concern in his voice she could still see the anger from this morning lurking beneath and she swallowed thickly.
"Well, I'll be downstairs with Stevie helping her with her homework if you need me" he said as he departed.
Alison had been busy spreading out the chart she had started with her father last night and Elizabeth couldn't help but swallow thickly as she saw Henry's side of the family. So big. So alive. So...modern. Her side had nothing but a box for her parents and her brother and the last pictures of her parents were from the early 80's before the accient. Her side of the family was going to look so out of place compared to Henry's, but she wasn't going to let Alison fail her assignment because of her discomfort. She needed to do this for her daughter so she would do it with her no matter how much it hurt.
"Come on noodle, let's see if we can find you a picture of Granddad and Grandma Adams and Uncle Will" she stated brightly as Alison snuggled into her other side and opened the first album across her lap.
Together mother and daughter turned the pages of the photo album and Elizabeth found herself actually enjoying the time as she told her daughter as many stories as she could about her parents and her brother, revelling in hearing her daughter giggles.
"Mummy, why are there so many pictures of horses in here?" Alison asked quizzically.
Elizabeth turned to look at her daughter in surprise "Because I grew up on a horse farm, noodle" she stated plainly.
Alison squealed and quickly leapt onto her knees to face her mother "You grew up on a horse farm!" she exclaimed excitedly.
Elizabeth looked at her daughter with confusion. Had she really never told her daughter about where she grew up? Alison was obsessed with horses, she constantly begged her parents for more horse riding lessons and her own horse, how could she not have told her daughter that? "Yes noodle, Granddad and Grandma Adams owned a horse farm, that's were Uncle Will and I grew up".
"Mummy! That's so coo..."
Alison suddenly went very quiet and it was only then that Elizabeth noticed how flushed Alison was. In an instant she knew what was going to happened and she reached for the sick bowl.
"Mumm..." Allison began before the sickness took over and she retched into the bowl.
Elizabeth flinched and felt her own stomach turn as she tried to comfort her daughter as best she could.
"That's it noodle, get it all up. It's going to be ok" she soothed as she rubbed her daughter's back, grateful that her daughter's long dark hair was still in a french plait from her horse riding lesson. Just a minute later Alison was back curled up in her mother's side sobbing.
"I know baby, I know" she consoled whilst fighting her own nausea , conscious that Jason was only inches away from the now used bowl. She needed to get Alison cleaned up, into pyjamas, and into bed but she couldn't with both her son and youngest daughter glued to her sides.
"Henry!" she called, hoping the loud noise wouldn't wake Jason.
Not 30 seconds later Henry appeared in her doorway and she cast him a helpless look.
"Both of them?" he enquired, to which she simply nodded.
"Come on noodle, lets get you into your PJ's and into bed" he spoke softly as he reached to lift his daughter out of their bed.
"No, I want mummy!" she protested weakly as she continued to sob into her mother's shoulder and grabbed her mother's arm tightly.
Elizabeth looked down at Jason and was relieved to see that he was in a deep sleep. "Henry, Jason's out of it. I think if you can get the bowl and move the albums I can help Alison with her pyjamas..."
"No mummy, I want to stay here with you!" Alison sobbed.
"I know, sweetheart. We'll just get you changed into your pyjamas and then you can come right back here and snuggle with me and Jason" she soothed softly, stroking her daughter's cheek.
"Promise?" she sniffled looking into her mother's eyes earnestly.
"Promise." Elizabeth said with a warm smile. At this moment in time there was nowhere else she'd rather be than snuggled in bed with her children, and once again she wondered what she would miss out on if she was out of their lives for a year.
She didn't have time to contemplate the thought any further as Alison started to move from the bed and Henry removed the bowl and albums from his wife's lap. Elizabeth gently unwrapped Jason's small arms from around her leg and quietly scooted towards Alison. As soon as she was out of bed Alison lifted her arms indicating she wanted to be carried, which Elizabeth acquiesced to as she simply didn't have the strength to argue with her sobbing daughter. She moved softly towards her daughter's bedroom as her daughter cried into her neck, offering words of reassurance as she went.
Not 5 minutes later she was carrying her pyjama clad daughter back to hers and Henry's room, relieved to see that Jason was still asleep and that Henry had cleaned the sick bowl out for her and had prepared a cool washcloth for Alison. With some difficulty Elizabeth arranged herself back on her bed and within seconds Jason was snuggled against her side again and his arm had wrapped itself around her leg. She smoothed her hand over his angelic face as Alison tucked herself into her other side and Henry gently placed the washcloth on Alison's forehead.
"You ok, noodle?" Henry asked with concern.
"Yes" Alison replied in a small voice as she pressed herself closer to her mother's side.
A stab of pain went through Elizabeth's heart as she heard her daughter's small voice. Had it only been 10 minutes ago that her daughter was jumping up and down on her bed in excitement as they talked about horses? She hated it that her kids were sick, every fibre in her body wanted to take the illness away. Despite her vomit aversion she would quite happily take on all of their bugs if it meant her kids didn't have to suffer.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" she asked kindly thinking that her daughter deserved a treat, but was dismayed when a look of distress crossed her daughter's face.
"But I haven't found a picture of Granddad and Grandma Adams?" Alison replied in a voice bordering on a cry as she looked up at Elizabeth with tears in her eyes.
"It's ok, noodle. We'll will write you a note to explain you were too ill to do your homework this weekend" Henry replied soothingly.
"No daddy, I have to do my homework!" Alison all but wailed as she turned to her father "And I want to hear more stories about the horsies! Mummy, will you tell me stories?" Alison finished as she turned back to look at her mother earnestly.
Elizabeth gulped. Jason may have Henry's eyes, but Alison had Elizabeth's mother's eyes and it sometimes took her breath away when Alison looked at her. Just now had been one of those moments.
"We can look at the pictures if you feel up to it, noodle" she agreed gently as she squeezed her daughter's shoulder comfortingly. "Henry, can you..." she asked as she looked up into his eyes and gestured towards the albums that he had moved to the end of the bed earlier.
Henry simply nodded and moved the albums back into Alison and Elizabeth's laps.
"Thanks" she whispered as Henry nodded and left the room. She couldn't help but notice the closed expression he wore towards her and their conversation from this morning played through her head once again "If you go, I don't know what it'll look like when you get back".
"Mummy, how many horsies did you have?" Alison asked inquisitively as she leafed through the album drawing Elizabeth's attention back to her daughter.
"Well I had my own horse, as did Uncle Will, Grandma Adams, and Granddad Adams, so that's 4, but we also looked after horses for other people and bred horses to sell, so in total I think we had about 50 horses" Elizabeth replied as she turned her attention back to her daughter
"50 horses!" Alison exclaimed, looking up at her mother with wide eyes causing Elizabeth to smile softly.
"Yeah. Uncle Will and I used to have to help muck out the stables every day after school and on Saturday mornings, but we were always allowed to go riding for at least an hour afterwards" Elizabeth reminisced fondly.
"An hour every day!" Alison exclaimed, but with less enthusiasm this time. Elizabeth looked down at her daughter and noted her drooping eyelids and thought it wouldn't be long until Alison fell asleep.
Conscious that her daughter wanted to finish her homework and knowing that it wouldn't be long until she fell asleep, Elizabeth surreptitiously started turning the pages of the photo album quicker, a memory of a picture that would be perfect for Alison popping into her head.
"Yep. And in the holidays Grandma Adams would take us out riding all day. She would pack a picnic and we would gallop out onto the land for hours before we'd stop in a field and unpack our lunch."
Elizabeth stopped turning the pages of the album as her eyes fell on the picture she was thinking of. It had been taken on a Labour Day weekend only a few weeks before her parents had died. On that particular day her father had joined them for their horse ride and the photo depicted her mother, father, and Will sprawled out on a blanket, a half eaten picnic between them, and their four horses tethered in the background happily eating the grass. Everyone looked so happy and relaxed, even her rebellious teenage brother was smiling in the photo. Little did they know that only a few short weeks later their world would be devastated. It was one of the last photos she had taken of her parents, probably the last she had taken of her family together. It was a bittersweet memory.
"How about this one, noodle?" she asked her youngest daughter as she felt Alison lay against her more heavily and knowing it wouldn't be long before sleep claimed her like it had her brother "This is Granddad Adams and this is Grandma Adams, and you know Uncle Will".
"I like it" Alison replied sleepily and Elizabeth removed the photo from the album and placed it on Alison's family tree poster. She would let Alison label the poster tomorrow when she would hopefully be feeling better.
She felt her little noodle yawn and snuggle closer into her side. Elizabeth rested her head back against the headboard and let memories of her parents wash over her as she left Alison to drift to sleep. She was surprised when a few minutes later Alison's sleepy voice disturbed her from her reverie.
"How did they die?"
Elizabeth was taken aback by the question and swallowed as memories of that fateful day rushed back to her. "There was an accident" she whispered as she stroked both her son and daughter's heads as she looked down at her beautiful children. Sleep had claimed them both now and she couldn't stop the memories as they rushed back to her. The police turning up at her school, Will and her being kept at the police station until the early hours of the next morning whilst they tried to find her uncle. Her body deciding that that was the day she would start her period and the cringeworthy moment she had to tell one of the policewomen what had happen and trying to figure out her to use the sanitary towel she had been given. When her uncle had finally arrived he had simply told them there had been a fire at the farm which had killed her parents. Nothing more had been said about the incident and Will and her had never returned to the property, her clothes had been packed up and sent to boarding school and the rest of her belongings were sent to storage at her uncle's house.
When she'd turned 18 she'd tried to find out more information about the accident, but apparently the police report had been lost. It was only after she had been working at the CIA for several years and had just fallen pregnant with Stevie that she started to investigate her parents death, an almost obsessive need to know what had happened to them now that she was carrying her own child. She'd been surprised to find out that her parents had been CIA operatives, that their frequent trips to Ireland had not just been about horses and their horse farm, but that they had been trying to infiltrate the IRA. There had been much suspicion over the cause of the fire at the farm, but ultimately it had been determined that nothing more sinister than an electrical fault had caused the fire that had trapped her parents at the back of the stables with no way out. To this day she wished she hadn't read the file or seen the autopsy photos, the only comfort she could take from that file was that her parents had been wrapped in each other's arms when they died. She often wondered if her parents were the reason she had been recruited into the CIA.
Hearing footsteps on the stairs and Stevie's tearful voice, she wiped the tears from her own eyes as Henry walked into their bedroom.
"3 for 3?" she asked already knowing the answer and moving the photo album and Alison's homework to the end of the bed causing Alison to groan in her sleep.
"Yep" Henry replied simply "Stevie is getting changed into her PJ's and I said she could watch a movie up here whilst I clean up downstairs...she didn't quite make it to the sink in time".
Elizabeth felt her stomach turn at the thought of Stevie being sick as she watched Henry walk to their TV and start setting up the DVD player. She busied herself soothing Alison back into a deep sleep whilst she settled against the headboard and moments later a tearful Stevie walked into her room and flopped on the bed draping herself across Elizabeth's lap and legs.
"I'm sorry, mum" she sobbed "I tried to get to the sink..."
"Shhh, baby. I know, it's ok. It was an accident, it's not your fault" she soothed her eldest daughter as she stroked her head and felt Stevie's tears soak through her jogging bottoms. "You can watch a movie up here until you feel better, what do you fancy watching?" Elizabeth asked kindly.
Stevie's tear stained face peered up at her and Elizabeth was taken aback at just how grown up and so young her daughter looked all at the same time. She couldn't help but be reminded of the fact that her daughter would be starting middle school in the autumn whilst she'd be in Iraq. Would her daughter forgive her for not being there on her first day of school? Could she get her daughter to understand why she was going away?
"Can we watch Mulan?" Stevie asked timidly.
Internally Elizabeth groaned. Mulan had been the first film that Henry and she had taken Stevie to see at the cinema and every since it had been Stevie's favourite film. She was pretty sure it had played continually in their house from the day they brought the DVD until the day that Alison was old enough to start arguing that she wanted to watch her favourite movie. But Stevie was ill and Alison was asleep, as was Jason, so she'd let her daughter watch her favourite movie even though she was sure she could recite every word and lyric in the movie off by heart.
"Sure sweetheart" she replied brightly, impressing herself with the amount of enthusiasm her voice carried, as she wiped the tears from Stevie's face.
Stevie cast her a brief smile before she turned her head and snuggled it in her mother's lap and stretched out her body along Elizabeth's legs.
Hearing the movie start to play Elizabeth looked up at Henry "I'd help you, but I'm kinda tied up here" she stated helplessly with a shrug of her one free shoulder. Quite literally she was weighed down by her children. Jason was snuggled against her left hip with his arms warped around her thigh and the most angelic expression on his face. Alison's head rested on her right shoulder and she had curled herself into a tight ball against Elizabeth's ribs and waist with the cutest pout she had ever seen on her daughter's face. And now Stevie was sprawled across her legs and lap watching the movie.
"Guess we know who the favourite is" Henry joked, but Elizabeth's CIA analytical skills were not needed to detect the resentful undertone of his joke.
"Henry..." she began before he cut her off.
"I'll be downstairs" he said as he left the room.
Elizabeth sighed as she rested her head back on the headboard and her mood turned contemplative as the movie rolled on in the background. This morning she had been adamant that she was going to take the job in Baghdad, that she was going to change the world one unstable democracy at a time, that one year would not affect her kids lives. Conrad had told her she was the only one for the job, he was counting on her to do as she said in her report, he needed her. She was taking the job for the greater good and she couldn't understand why her husband had been so unsupportive. But laying in bed here, now, with her kids sprawled around her and her husband seemingly furious with her she couldn't help but wonder if going to Baghdad was right decision. Looking through her family photo album with Ali this afternoon had stirred all sorts of memories from when she was a teenager and how much she missed having a mother around. She thought back to the first year after her mother had passed away, how much she missed her and how angry she had been that she had left her, even though it wasn't of her choosing. But going to Baghdad was of Elizabeth's choosing, and what if something happened to her whilst she was there? Did she want her kids to grow up without a mother like she did?
Elizabeth was brought out of her reverie as Henry appeared in the doorway.
"They're all out?" he asked.
Elizabeth cast her eyes over her kids to see that all of them were now in a deep sleep. She chuckled to herself silently and marvelled at how a sickness bug could change things. Three hours ago her daughters had been full of spirit and arguing with each other and Jason had been screaming for her at the top of his lungs. Now they were passed out and looked like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.
"Looks like it" she replied. Remembering Henry's comment from before she continued, "I'm not their favourite Henry, you know tomorrow will be different. Today they wanted me, tomorrow they'll want you." she tried to reassure. "Join us?" she asked hopefully as she looked into Henry's eyes.
"I've got some..." Henry began before he was cut off.
"Please?" she asked again, almost pleading. Right now she just wanted her family around her. Thinking about her parents had made her feel so sad, and then her thoughts on Iraq were making her feel confused and anxious. Despite their argument this morning she needed the comfort of her husband next to her right now.
"Bet you can't wait to get to Baghdad after today" Henry sniped bitterly as he joined them on the bed. Hurt coursed through Elizabeth at his comment, this wasn't how they communicated with each other. They were open, honest - brutally so sometimes - but never catty. She decided to let it go, Henry was allowed to feel angry and he had been good with the kids and her today, plus right now she really didn't have the energy. If she went to Iraq he would have to deal with a lot more situations like this and a wave of guilt washed over her. She knew Henry was more than capable of looking after their kids, but wasn't it her job as a mother to be there to look after them, to protect them everyday, to make their own little world safe for them? The longest she'd ever been away from them was a month. Was the work in Iraq really going to make her kid's world safe?
Together they watched the movie in silence, Henry firmly on his side of the bed with his arms crossed. Elizabeth closed her eyes and fought back tears. She'd never felt so closed off from her husband, she could feel him brooding beside her, could feel his distress, his anger, his confusion, his hurt. She knew she needed to talk to him, to tell him the truth, to try and get him to understand.
"I thought I'd get fired" she said quietly, her eyes fixed on the TV.
"Huh?" Henry queried and out of the corner of her eye she could see him turn to face her, confusion written across his face. But she couldn't bring herself to face him as she continued.
"When I wrote that report, I thought I'd get fired. I mean, I wrote a report criticising the US government, telling them that their actions were wrong, pointing out just how many Geneva Conventions they were breaking, telling the government that we were as bad as our enemies. I thought they'd fire me, I even joked about it with Juliet as I waited for the lift to take me to Conrad's office. I was so sure they'd fire me. I didn't think...Promotion was the last thing I was expecting" she finished softly, turning to meet Henry's eyes.
"Why would you do something like that?" her husband asked her, confusion evident in his eyes.
Elizabeth looked away and stared into the distance "Because everything has changed. It's not the same CIA it was when I joined. The integrity has been lost, the ethics have gone. Everyone is so desperate to capture Bin Laden, to get revenge for what happened to those people in the Towers, in the Pentagon, and in United 93, to make up for our failures that lead to those people being killed, that no-one cares how it gets done" she whispered angrily.
"Elizabeth..." Henry began before she cut him off.
"You know what happened when I went to Baghdad. I don't want to be that person, Henry. I don't want to lose anymore of my integrity or beliefs. I don't know how much longer I can continue to compromise my ethics " she said, shame and fear leaking into her voice as she turned her head to double check her sweet, innocent children were still asleep. She knew this was not the best place to be having this conversation, but they were here having it regardless, and she was glad to see her beautiful children all in a deep sleep.
Elizabeth felt Henry squeeze her shoulder reassuringly and she turned her head towards him, her heart skipping a beat as she saw the compassion in his eyes.
"So quit." he said simply.
"I can't!" she exclaimed "I've never quit anything in my life..." she trailed off, her eyes imploring Henry to understand. She was an overachiever, she'd sailed through school having never received a grade lower than an A, she'd mastered Arabi and Farsi in a little under 2.5 years. Her Masters had been a welcome distraction whilst Henry was on deployment, and although her PhD had been hard work as Stevie was a baby, it had been an enjoyable challenge. She'd risen quickly through the ranks of the CIA, always getting the promotion when it arose. Heck, she'd even scored the perfect husband at 22 and 3 perfect children by the time she was 33. Surely Henry could understand that she couldn't quit? It wasn't in her nature.
"Elizabeth, do you want this job?" Henry asked her seriously.
She stared at her husband, her mouth agape, her brain trying to process everything. Did she want the job? She'd been so sure she would be fired that when Conrad had offered her the job, told her he was relying on her, that she was the only one who could do the job, she'd been so relieved that she still had a job - and a promotion no less - that she hadn't actually stopped to consider if she wanted it.
"You said you wrote that report thinking that you'd get fired, that it would be a way out, but it wasn't. So what do you want Elizabeth?" her husband pushed.
"Conrad..." she began
"No, Elizabeth. This isn't about what Conrad wants, or what I want, this is about what you want" Henry stated simply.
Visions of the last time she was in Baghdad ran through her head, colliding with images of Stevie snuggling against her legs, Alison jumping excitedly on the bed as she looked through the photo album, and playing with Jason in the bath just this afternoon. The latter were good memories, the former were not and she shivered as she replayed them in her head. Then the memories of the time with her own mother, followed by the teenage despair and angst about not having her mother around hit her.
Did she want this job?
Conrad had said he knew she wouldn't let him down; did she have it in her to let her friend, her mentor, her recruiter down? Did she want to continue working for an organisation that was now so unfamiliar to her, where anything was acceptable no matter what the cost?
Did she want to leave her children? Did she want to risk losing Henry, because he had been clear this morning that if she went he might not be there when she got back? A lot could happen in a year. People could change a lot in 12 months. Looking around at her sleeping children and then into Henry's honest, concerned eyes, realisation hit her.
"No" she whispered.
"Then you're going to have to quit, babe. There's a first time for everything" Henry confirmed, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly with a small smile on his face.
"You won't be mad at me for quitting?" Elizabeth asked in a small voice, cringing as she realised how childlike she sounded.
Henry peered into her eyes earnestly. "Remember what I said this morning. 'Where there's no integrity in the situation you find it in yourself to change the world right where you're standing'. That's what you're doing, babe. You're finding your integrity and who know how that will change the world? You can't deny that if you quit it will cause a ripple in the CIA, and a ripple is all it takes for a tsunami to grow. How could I be mad at you for that?"
Relief washed over Elizabeth at Henry's words. She didn't need her husband's permission to quit her job, their relationship never was and never would be one where one obeyed the other, they were a team, a partnership, but his words let her give herself permission to quit.
"Ok, so I'm going to quit" she confirmed, exhaling a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding or for how long she'd been holding it. For the first time since the planes hit the Towers she felt like she was doing something for her, not something that other people expected her to do.
"So, what are you going to do instead?" Henry queried.
"I don't..." Elizabeth began before her eyes glimpsed the photo albums and an idea popped into her head. "We're going to buy a horse farm" she stated matter of factly. If she was going to quit her job then she was going to give her children the childhood that had been taken from her. All her children loved horse riding and she couldn't think of a better way to raise her kids.
"A horse farm, huh?" Henry asked with amusement until he saw the look on her face. "You're serious?"
"Yes, it'll be great. We can all get horses and the kids can..." she began enthusiastically before she felt a disturbing tightening in her stomach. "Henry!" she exclaimed in a panicked tone.
Noticing his wife's suddenly rosy complexion and the fear in her eyes he quickly grabbed the sick bowl and had just got it in place as his wife heaved.
Elizabeth closed her eyes as she felt her stomach contract and the bile rise up her throat. With the way the kids were positioned it was hard for her to move and her stomach contracted painfully as it tried to rid itself of its contents. She felt Henry rub her back and heard his words of reassurance.
"It's ok babe, you're going to be ok"
Once her stomach had been emptied and she was resting back againt the headboard she opened her eyes and looked up at her husband. "4 for 4" she offered with a weak smile and Henry leaned forward to brush a tender kiss on her forehead. She knew she should scold him for kissing her when she was sick, but she just didn't have the energy. She watched her husband move to the ensuite to deal with the bowl and return with a damp washcloth that he promptly placed on her forehead, the coolness feeling heavenly on her heated skin. He lowered himself back onto the bed, this time wrapping his arm around her shoulders and she knew in that moment that everything was going to be ok.
All it had taken was a sickness bug , a photo album, a horse farm, and an afternoon in bed with her family to make her realise what she wanted in life and she couldn't be happier. Maybe she couldn't save the whole world, but she was going to change her family's world right from where she was standing - and for now that was enough.
So congratulations for making it to the end! I hope you enjoyed it. Feedback appreciated and happy to accept constructive criticism.
As I was writing this I had an idea of doing a sort of mirror piece of Henry's thoughts and feeling during the same afternoon after their fight, so if you'd be interested in reading that let me know and I'll have a go at channelling my inner Henry!