In hindsight, he knew that this was going to end badly. Staring down the barrel of a well-worn M1911, shaking as the woman holding it has tears dripping down her face. Dark eyes piercing through him as she presses forward, the barrel now against his cheek as his light brown eyes shine with a rebellious taunt. No tricks left up his sleeve anymore. His powers were exhausted, he was all alone. But she's safe. He reminds himself. She's safe…
"WHY Barry?" she shrieks, her eyes bloodshot from the events of the past couple weeks, her once well-kept hair every which way as she pants heavily. "Why the FUCK are you DOING this to me?" she asks for what seems like the umpteenth time. He knows that its more than likely the 4th time. But that's not important.
Busted lip and all, he still smiles. He can't hold his head up. Everything fades in and out of his view. He sees her crying; her soul being laid bare for him to see what he's done to her. He can't help but let out a humorless chuckle as he simply lies there, back against the wall, hands on the ground with his legs useless in front of him. Eyes glazing over as he faintly recognizes his light headedness is due from the amount of blood lost from his wound on his hip. He knows there's no chance of him getting out of this, so he answers her.
"Because I couldn't do for you what you've done for me" He whispers with a raspy voice before he shuts his eyes closed, ready for the consequence.
But the gunshot never came. He felt the pressure disappear on his cheek and he risked a look.
He wished he didn't.
He screams for her to put it down, but before he could will his legs to move, the haunting sound echoes throughout the room and he breaks.
He wakes up with a start. Kicking off his covers, he hastily opens his curtains to let the moonlight into his serene bedroom. His hands tremble while he takes a deep breath. His eyes distant as he doted on his latest nightmare.
It has been over six months since he woke up from his coma. Six months since he had made a new life. A life where he belonged.
His whole life had been forced onto him, he thought as he saw the midnight strollers trickle in around the streets below his apartment. His father being accused of a murder he didn't commit set him on the path to becoming a CSI investigator, his one friend being the tether for his sanity made him miss out on a lot of potential relationships, seeing as how his world revolved around her. And last but not least, his newfound powers gave him the burden of saving the whole city while still making sure to everyone who doesn't know he can run faster than the speed of sound that he's still the loveable oaf that they all remember from before.
And yet here he is. Stuck in the same pattern of sleep he's been in since he saved Caitlin from Captain Cold and Heatwave.
Dr. Caitlin Snow. His best friend. Who is a girl. Now if you asked him, he would still reflexively say that Iris is his best friend. After all, she's the one who picked him up all those years ago and the one who gave him the drive to move forward and not wallow in despair. But deep down he knew the difference between Iris and Caitlin:
Iris would always be oblivious to Barry when it comes to his real emotional issues. His obsession with finding out what happened to his father and what that streak of lightning was that took his mother's life all those years ago. She knows that he is still caught up in it -she's not that blind- but she believes that Barry moved on from that and is happy with where his life is.
Caitlin on the other hand knows just how wrong she is. Now she might not have the years that Iris has, but she knows all too well the void that a loved one being taken from you. The ache it leaves when you wake up every day knowing they wouldn't be there anymore. And the helplessness that comes along with knowing there was nothing they could do to stop it. And after a few late-night talks at the lab, Caitlin and Barry both knew each other a little better. And got a little closer.
And soon enough, that one late night talk, turned into weekly rendezvous'. Starting out with staying late to help her out with end of day clean up, either from the training he did, or simple organization if it was a slow day at the lab. They both started looking forward to their time together, so much so that Iris had been slipping from his mind more and more as the days passed on. And she wasn't the only one who noticed.
Iris herself felt hurt at how Barry had disappeared from her life. And she let him know. She told Barry that Dr. Snow was simply leading him on. That she felt jealous about what she and Barry had since she lost her own happy ending so now she's trying to use him instead. That she was just trying to use Barry as a rebound, so she can feel better about herself. Barry couldn't respond to what she said, not because he doubted Caitlin, but because he didn't know Iris to be this distrusting of anyone. It's part of what drew him to her. And he told Iris that it's not like they were dating or anything. They were just being good friends. Good friends who lost a lot and need a shoulder to lean on. Her brows furrowed at that comment as she turned and walked out of his office where they were having their fight, but before she left she turned around. "Is she really worth it Barry? Worth losing your best friend?" The question has hung around as he had not talked to her since.
I really need to talk to someone he mused as he let out a disgruntled sigh, ruffling his hair before placing both his hands at his hips. Caitlin was a great friend to him. And he knew that Iris' distrust of her made no sense. But it always helps to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. After slipping on his casual wear of black slim jeans, converses, and a white t shirt under a pull over he sped through Central City up to Caitlin's apartment. About two weeks ago, Caitlin had told him that she stayed awake most nights due to her being a night owl. With the knowledge that she still would be up for at least another half hour anyway, he raps his knuckles on her door, waiting for her response. His hands shaking as he remembered the contents of his nightmare and the gunshot echoing in his head. Quiet shuffling from behind the door with a soft, but annoyed "Coming" brought a small smile to his face as he stood there with his hands folded in front of him.
A quick unlocking and a click opened the door. And there she stood. Hair slightly out of place signaling her use of a pillow before she came over as she stood there with a curious look on her face, a thin eyebrow pulled up and a small smile on her face that slowly dropped as she saw his hands shaking ever so slightly. Her nightwear consisting of a white t shirt with the S.T.A.R labs logo in the middle, and a pair of yoga pants along with her comfy slippers that she got when they had gone to Starling City a few weeks back to help out Oliver and the Arrow crew with a meta human.
"Is everything all right?" she asked in a worried tone as she motioned him to come in. After closing the door behind her she looked at him knowing that something clearly was wrong. Ever since Iris had left, he had not been himself. He looked paler than usual, skinnier even with his cellular regeneration being so… fast. And it worried her. Very much. Because she cared about him. More than she let on to anyone but herself.
Ever since he stopped Heatwave and Captain Cold she had gotten quite the crush on her work partner. Stealing glances at his body during his training, lingering touches during physicals that she hoped he didn't notice, and all the thoughts she would never let see the light of day. Or the things she did to those thoughts that lent a small blush as she got her mind back on track to talk to him.
"What happened Barry?" A gentle whisper as she held his hand in hers to stop the shaking. His eyes slowly make his way up to hers, and she sees fear. Pure, unadulterated fear in his weary eyes. He slowly swallowed before licking his lips.
"I killed" he answered simply. That's when the first tear fell on his cheek. To his credit, he didn't sob. Nothing but the tear and his eyes showed any sign of the emotional turmoil he was in. "I-I couldn't sav- "he took a deep breath as she gave a comforting squeeze. She moved over next to him, pulling him into a warm hug as sat there, doing everything he could not to let his walls fall. He was the Flash. He didn't have time to break down. There was too much for him to do. Too many people for him to save.
Caitlin pulled his head to her shoulders, having one of her hands rub circles on his back and the other patting his head like he was a small child. "It's okay Barry. It's just us" she reassures. He still doesn't give in. He can't after all. It's his burden to bear. His cheek glistens with another tear as he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her. It's my fault this happened to her his mind echoes as he feels the warmth of her embrace.
Im the reason she can't live a normal life.
And so he breaks down in her arms. His sobs echo through his body, his hunched over figure pleading for his burden to leave. The weight is just too much. He's failed his best friend. How can he call himself a hero if he can't even keep his family safe? "I'm sorry" he pleads in between his sobs as her heart wrenches at the sight.
"What are you apologizing for now Barry? Everything's fine, everyone's okay. We're safe" she tries to sooth him. His eyes look up to hers again, a haunted look with guilt written all over them.
"For now." He adds. "Until the next meta human comes up and I can't protect you guys from them. Again." Stressing the last word.
Now normally this would warrant an eye roll from the Doctor, but seeing her secret crush in so much pain, she simply raised her hand up to his cheek and gently moved his face so that he would look her in the eyes. With a small smile she rubbed the tears off his cheek with her thumb.
"Barry listen to me." She asks. "We all have our part to play in this. We knew the risks going into it. It's not just you Barry. You don't do this by yourself". She knew he took the brunt of the responsibility on himself whenever something happened, but she didn't understand what made him snap. At least, until he responded.
"It's not about bearing the cross Cait. It's about what happens to those I love. Iris isn't a part of this. Joe can take care of himself, I know but what about you? Ever since Heatwave and Captain Cold, and again after Everyman I haven't been there like the so-called hero everyone seems hell bent on calling me. I wasn't even there to save you from a BOMB Caitlin" his voice cracking as looked at her, his emotions laid bare for her to see. His eyes showing her just how broken he was about this, about her.
"I can't do anything for you. All I do is put you in life and death situations while you make sure I don't die. How is that fair? How can I keep going out there while the woman I LOVE keeps getting the shit end of the stick because of ME?" he yells before his brain catches up to what he said. Wide-eyed he stands up and takes a furtive look at her, mouth agape without saying anything.
Caitlin couldn't believe what she was hearing. Woman he loved? Where did that come from? How could she miss the signs? All throughout this conversation with herself, her face didn't betray anything but shock. Seeing that he knew the damage was done, and he felt a little selfish at the moment as he wanted to get something off his chest.
"My nightmare was about you" he started with a whisper. Seeing no response from her he quickly expounded "You had had enough. Everything I put you through pushed you over and everything I made you lose finally caught up to me. I could barely move from the days metahuman capture so I sat there waiting for it all to end. Barrel to my cheek. But you couldn't do it." He said as he looked past her, tears now rolling down his face "So you took your own life. That's the real reason I came here. To have you let out all the pain you have where it deserves. If I can do one good th-" his monologue cut out by a soft pressure on his lips. Failing to see how he could've not seen her walk up to him, at first he's frozen, confused as to what happened. But he slowly warms up to the kiss as he wraps his arms around her waist and protectively pulls her closer as she breaks it off, smiling, while her eyes burn with a determination that can only be done by Caitlin Snow herself.
"You, Mr. Allen, must be quite the blind man to not see all the good you've done for me. All the things you've given back to me since I lost what I thought was everything" her words accentuated with her fingers trailing up his arm.
"You gave me a life, you gave me love I never thought I'd have. And best of all, you gave me a reason to smile and live again. So no, I'm not going to let out any frustration out on you… Well that's not true" she teases as he still sits there dumbfounded at the turn of events. He thought she was going to hate him, not kiss him!
"In fact, Mr. Allen" she whispers huskily as she plants a kiss on his cheek "If you really want to repent for the 'wrong' you've committed, I think you better flash us into my bedroom so I can dole out your punishment"
With his brain still short-circuited from the turn of events, he wordlessly brings her to her large bed, placing her under him as she smiles and pulls him close to her. "We wont be going too far, but I do want to catch up on some of your electric kissing." She assures him. She knew he wouldn't be fully healed with this. But it's a good way to start. And as she brought her lips back to his, he started to think so too.
"Barry, you do so much for all of us, you take everything on your back as if you're the only one who can. Let me be there for you" She says between kisses as she feels around his shoulders "Let me help you" And with that they lose themselves in each other. For once, he doesn't worry about the meta humans. He doesn't worry about his burden. All he cares about, is the woman whom he cannot stop kissing.
Back at his home, his phone stopped buzzing for 8th time, 8 missed calls from the same number.