So, how many of you have heard Relient K's amazing song, "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" ? Anyone?
Little story about how I think Light might feel after L's death. I apologise if it's a little OOC, but I figure a character's death is enough to merit a change in attitude.
You can interpret it however you like ; slash or purely platonic love. Whatever floats your boat, :)
A huge thankyou to Uniasus, who edited it. And is pretty much an awesome person.
Disclaimer: Neither Death Note, nor "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" belong to me, unfortunately...
ENJOY!
Regret is a funny thing. It comes too late. After the fact. When nothing can change.
I'm cleaning out his desk. Or, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. The enormity of the task nearly overwhelms me. There are so many pieces of paper filled with scribbles, scraps, or random thoughts pertaining to the case. These things are hardly interesting right now, and for the past few minutes I've been rather distracted by the sunrise and these strange, unbidden thoughts.
The team isn't here. They are taking a few days off so it's just me, these papers, and an unusual silence. Perhaps it's that silence that has scared the others. The hotel seems empty. Sad. As if it too is mourning the loss of a certain sugar-addicted tenant.
It's too quiet without him, although I suppose I haven't done much to break the silence. Instead, I've retreated within myself. I talk when I must, but only then. In this way, I am punishing myself. My own thoughts berate me and I can't stop the torrent of memories.
Misa thinks I've gone insane. She wonders where "her" Light has gone. The beautiful, outgoing, shiny eyed, untouchable Light she loves. I can't tell her that he took that Light with him when he left. To do so would be to admit what he meant to me.
I can't help but think that I killed him. But of course I did. Maybe not directly, but my actions caused it. If only I had stopped earlier, before I crossed that line. The one that lead to his death. As much as I'm sorry for the person I became when I found the notebook, I'm sorry that it took so long for me to realize the consequences of my actions. I believed I could protect the people I cared about with the very power I used to destroy others that meant nothing to me. It didn't work.
In a way, I'm almost glad he's gone. He can't see the mess I've made. The mistakes I can't take back. If he could, I'm sure he'd think less of me.
Of course, I do realize that this was the outcome I had originally hoped for. The irony is hilarious. I also see that this was the only way it could end. If I had stopped the killing earlier he would not have been involved in the first place. If I had never found the Death Note, I never would have met him. There is no way I could have had him and kept my life. The situation is far from fair, but I suppose "that's life". The way it was, with us as friends, it was either him or me that had to die. That doesn't stop me from wishing it could have been otherwise.
With the knowledge that this was the only way things could end between us, comes the knowledge that it isn't finished yet.
As much as I may want to stop everything because "goddamn it, how can life go on without him", if I do, his death will have been for nothing. It would have been in vain. I can still fix things, in a way. He and I shared the same ideal, after all; to rid the world of evil. Our methods were different, which was something people never failed to point out.
Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances. If I wasn't Kira and he wasn't the man determined to have me arrested and killed. Would we have been able to find a way to be together? Maybe it was the criminal-detective thing that made us close in the first place.
I know I must continue. I have to achieve my goal. I am going to rid the world of evil. Not just for me, but for him, too. Though I can't share this utopia with him, I can create it in his memory. Then, I can imagine what could have been.
With his death, he's given me another chance. I have now taken over his position in the task force. This is the silver lining, I suppose. I got the thing I wanted for so long. Somehow, it doesn't hold the same appeal.
I can feel a couple of hot tears making their way down my cheek. I know these are the only tears I will spare for him. From now on, I must be focused on my goal. Past mistakes can't get in the way. I can't let my emotions and feelings get the better of me.
I wipe the tears away with my shirt sleeve. There is no place for weakness in this. I can't let my guard down again. If I do, I am vulnerable and someone may find a way to take me down. With this new resolve, I will not fail. I cannot fail. I can, however, feel myself grow stronger with each passing moment. I may regret everything I've done up to this point, but that doesn't mean it wasn't necessary.
The funny thing about regret is that, with time, it often becomes something else entirely.
Determination.
"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.