TITLE: A Christmas Full Of Changes
AUTHOR: VIDZ
PAIRING: Harm/Loren
TIMELINE: Answered Prayers, S7
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: this one has been sitting unfinished in my folder for YEARS! Never thought it would get to the point I would finish it, but here it is.
Warning: this fic is narration-heavy, there's a lot of character study in it. Loren has reached a point in her life that causes her to rethink her path and this calls for a lot of thinking. You've been warned, so no whining! :P
Thanks to everyone who reviewed "Back off!", unfortunately due to the site's hick-up I don't know for half of you who you are. Your reviews are namely unsigned. So,I take this opportunity to say thanks.
1315 Zulu
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
Loren was standing by a desk in the bullpen reading from a file when she heard the heavy steps of a man nearing her at great speed.
Finally! she thought with exasperation. We were supposed to report to the Admiral ASAP and if it took any longer we would've been flogged.
But then to Loren's irritation a certain annoying blonde LTJG had spotted the CDR as well and moved to intercept. Before Loren could do anything about it Harriet had already apprehended Harm.
"The eagle has landed, Sir."
Straining her ears to catch their conversation through the murmur of the busy office, Loren was confused. What did an old Michael Caine's war movie have to do with anything?
"You're sure that's what he said?"
"Those are Commander Turner's exact words, Sir. The eagle has landed."
"Then there is a Santa Clause." Harm chuckled in joy and relief. It had been taking a long time and now the end was finally in sight.
"Sir?"
Harriet's clueless question prompted him to explain "That means that Sturgis found a starter motor manufactured between January and March 1968."
"That's great, Sir." it was evident to anyone looking that Harriet didn't understand why Harm put so much value into it. It was just some car part, you can get them in any store...
She followed him as he was making his way to the Admiral's office, picking up LT Singer on the way.
"You always want original parts, Lieutenant." he explained to the obviously confused female.
"Of course, Sir." she agreed, but it was obvious she thought it all stupid.
"It's a guy thing, Lieutenant." Loren explained accerbically "Men are always very fond of their original parts."
"Exactly." Harm answered, amused, having immediately caught on to the sexual subtext.
So, the Ice Queen is feeling naughty, huh? Let's see if she can take her own medicine.
He stopped, prompting Loren to stop as well and she looked up at him, instantly wary of the impish gleam in his eyes "Raises the overall value. Besides, only the real thng performs as it should. Those cheap plastic knock-offs are an extremely poor substitute. What say I give you a ride when it's done, so you can see for yourself."
Loren gaped for a second, blushing heavily, unable to believe the supposedly prudish Commander had actually accepted her teasing and gone one step forward. His response could've been taken at face value or with heavy sexual undertone and since she had started the whole thing she couldn't really call him on it. Quickly glancing around she was relieved to realize they had no audience, Harriet having wondered away. Maybe she could allow herself a little revenge without both of them landing in prison for fraternisation.
"That was the worst pick-up line in history, Commander. It's so bad it doesn't even deserve a red light." she commented, resuming their trip with a slight, but really very slight, sway to her hips "Come up with a better one and I'll accept."
Smiling slightly, Harm nodded "While it wasn't meant as a pick-up line, Lieutenant, I will keep that in mind."
"You do that." she said airly "Besides, I won't have the time in the next few days."
He couldn't help but be intrigued by her latter statement because of it's implications, so much so he completely ignored the flirting (and it WAS a monumental thing - he could count on one hand the number of times she'd engaged in it).
No time? That can only mean one thing...
"Plans for the holidays, Loren?"
Slowing down he, ever the gentleman, let her enter Tiner's office first. There was no adverse reaction from anyone within hearing distance to the Commander addressing the Lieutenant with her first name, they had all gotten used (and resigned to) the fact that he obviously had a death wish and continued to make nice with the Wicked Witch of Washington.
"A romantic Christmas and that's all I'm saying." was her tight-lipped response, but her eyes still shone, which was rare for the beautiful, yet acerbic blonde.
"Damn." Harm snapped his fingers in disappointment, though it was not as fake as he wanted it to be "And I was just about to ask you to run away with me."
Loren stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around, wide eyes staring back at him. Being on first name basis and occasionally flirting with no-one around was one thing, but coming right out and saying things like like that? Things that couldn't be interpreted in an innocent way? In front of JAG's worst gossiper? A whole different animal.
It was a real fight keeping that sad face on his face when he was about to bust out laughing.
Thankfully he'd timed his little incursion well enough, for before Loren could gather her wits and respond, they were at the Admiral's door and he knocked.
"Enter." Chegwidden responded.
Nodding at the still stunned Lieutenant he gently pushed her into the admiral's office, grinning covertly to himself when she was too agog to even protest his manhandling of her. Oooh, it was so lovely to get one over the little incendiary bomb with a hair trigger and beat her in her own game.
As the door closed behind them Loren turned to Harm, more formal now "You sure know how to piss off the Admiral, Commander."
"It's a talent, Lieutenant." Harm quipped, amused. He'd been growled at and yelled at so much by the Old Man that it now just bounced off his skin.
"I assume one you were born with?" she went along, a small smile playing at her lips.
"Not really. It was a small speck at first and required careful nurturing to make it grow into what it is today."
"I'm sure." she replied, humor sparkling in her eyes "Think I could be just as good one day?"
"Learn from the master and you just might." Harm puffed out his chest comically in fake bragging. Feeling jovial he raised two fingers to an invisible hat's brim and strolled away, leaving her shaking her head and suppressing a chuckle.
"I really am sorry, sweetheart. They assured me they would invite you."
"It's okay." said Loren, subdued and disappointed, she'd been looking forward to meeting his family. It'd been a long time since her last relationship, her career taking up all of her time, energy and interest, but she was sure this was the one, the reason she'd insisted on taking this slowly. Her demand they wait a couple of months for sex had the unexpected, yet pleasant side-effects of real courting.
She'd never had a clue that courtship can be this exhilirating, thrilling and that it can include so many wonderful things.
"I hope you liked your present." his husky voice turned her attention back to the sparkling contents of the black velvet box.
"Yes, I do. Thank you, it's breath-taking."
After a while she hung up, still disappointed, but feeling a little better. Taking the bracelet out of the box she held it up to admire it from up-close. It really was beautiful and, more importantly, it looked genuine.
The first chance she'd get she'd have to see the jeweler to check for it's worth and get it insured, but right now she didn't have time, she had to prepare for her newest case.
Exiting the courtroom ahead of the long-nosed pair, the Commander and the Petty Officer, Loren was still riding on the high she got from the bargaining and verbal sparring they'd just done. This is what she lived for, what got her blood pumping through her veins... the excitement, the power.
There was no worthier adversary than Harmon Rabb, Jr. Though, she had to admit to herself, she was nowhere near his league yet. In the last 6 years the man had lost only two cases against any litigator and even though she hadn't won this one yet, neither had he.
Being among the top military attorneys took incredible skill and intellect, so Loren looked forward to every case with or against the man, there was no-one better to learn from even if she lost to him.
I haven't cracked his secret to success yet, but the last thing I'll ever do is give up. Besides, spending any amount of time around him in any capacity is far form torture. And not just because of his good looks.
Later that day, after securing for the day she turned her weary steps towards the elevator, nodding at LTJG Sims when the woman joined her. Tired enough to be hoping she wouldn't even have to talk she was disappointed when Harriet did.
"I hope you'll join us for egg-nog tomorrow night before we go to church."
"At your home?" This was a surprise, in the years she'd been stationed at the HQ she'd never been invited.
"It is Christmas, Loren. Since we're all headed to hear Commander Turner's father preach, I thought…you know, maybe…" Harriet trailed off, Loren's silence eating at her confidence. Had she made the right decision?
As soon as she recovered her wits Loren responded, disguising her delight under the cloak of indiference, something that had served her well in protecting herself from getting hurt.
"Okay. I've got nothing better to do."
Seeing the hurt Harriet couldn't conceal fast enough Loren felt immediately chastised "Sorry. Kevin was supposed to come from Boston. A suite at the Willard, romantic dinner…"
Trailing off she sighed in renewed disappointment, having decided that would be the night. Yet, obviously not.
"Who's Kevin?"
Sensing a juicy piece of news from someone else's private life Harriet immediately forgot everything else.
"Commodities trader, aggressively sweet."
"What happened?"
"His family insisted he join them at Hyannis. Somehow, they forgot to invite me…but he sent his regrets."
Holding up her hand Loren showed off her new sapphire and diamond bracelet.
"Are those real?"
"They better be." Loren shot back as the elevator door opened.
"These are definitely real, Miss." the jeweler judged, having examined the bracelet carefully "Beautifully made. In fact, I think I remember seeing this series presented at..."
Loren cut him off, frowning heavily as she caught his words "Series? You mean they're not unique?"
"No, they're not unique. There's three of them, all made on the order of your Mr Kevin." the jeweler looked at her over his spectacles "But they're still quite valuable, Miss Patty."
Loren's eyes widened.
Marching angrily down the mall, Loren's thoughts were a list of curse words, all aimed at her boyfriend. Soon to be ex-boyfriend. No amount of expensive jewelry or other gifts would make up for infidelity and lying.
"That no-good, double-faced, lying, faceless, treacherous, oily, son of ... wow, what a gorgeous dress!"
Her train of thought derailed, no survivors, when she caught sight of the most beautiful dress she'd seen in... well, in the last month. It was blood red, satin, Chinese in style, form-fitting, with no sleeves and ending above the knees. In other words, it was perfect. The snake in the grass for the moment forgotten, Loren changed course, already making sure she had her credit card with her and accepting that with costs of living in DC, she would be living on spaghetti for the next month because of this purchase.
A few hours later she angrily hung up the phone, wishing for the time before cell phones so she could slam it down on the forks and incapable of believing what she'd just found out. The bastard had been double-timing her with, not just one, but two women! And, from what she could figure out, at least one of them had been a recent conquest and knew about Loren, but didn't mind!
She knew quite a few women don't care what they have to do or put up with to secure themselves a carefree life by ensnaring a wealthy and influental man, if they have the looks to attract such a man. Loren had certainly never had any issues with that, until now. Now she was on the other side. Some other woman had stepped on her territory with the intention of bumping Loren off, something in which she'd succeeded.
Wiping a rebellious tear away Loren cursed herself, for being so weak to let one man tear down her walls by just treating her with respect, making her vulnerable to another man who'd picked the absolutely wrong time to make advances, and she cursed her body for betraying her. Why couldn't it have waited for a few more lousy days before starting it's assault on her emotions with the influx of unwanted hormones? At least that way she would've had time to get ahold of herself and not have her emotions so out of control.
If Loren was ever to meet this Patty Sachs she would take full advantage of the corpus delicti rule... meaning "no body = no case", and being a criminal lawyer Loren had the knowledge of many ways in which to dispose of a corpse and not get caught doing it.
Until then she'd show the two-faced bastard he didn't have the power to destroy her and get on with her life.
She didn't know how, but somehow Loren had been coerced into helping with the food and that with LtCol MacKenzie of all people!
"Oh, that's a beautiful bracelet." exclaimed suddenly the other woman.
"A Christmas gift…one of a kind."
Seeing Mac's attention on the bracelet Loren knew the sarcasm went over the superior officer's head.
Chosing the worst possible moment Big Bud joined them at the table, whistling when he caught sight of the rocks.
"What'd you have to do to earn that?"
"I'm sure it was given with love, Master Chief." Mac reproved.
"Mhm." Big Bud agreed with obvious sarcasm.
Even though the man grated on her, Loren could respect him for how insightful he was. Or maybe he was just cynical enough about the human race.
"I thought so, too, Colonel, until I went to the jeweler to have it appraised for the insurance." Loren explained.
"They're not real?"
"Oh, they're real, but the jeweler called me Patty. Turns out Kevin sent this same one-of-a-kind bracelet to a Patty Sachs and on cross-examination, he admitted he sent an identical one to a Wendy Pearson."
"A serial Santa." Mac responded.
Loren thought it incredibly hypocritical of the older woman, but decided to be diplomatic and ignore it "A serial jerk."
Just then the doorbell rang, coming to Loren's aid in ending the conversation.
Watching the CDR interact with LtCol MacKenzie, aka Enemy of the State as she was known to Loren, something clicked inside Loren's heart.
Why should they be so cheerful when she'd just dumped her boyfriend and was alone again? They had no right to laugh and joke when she was crying on the inside.
Then her eyes fell on Petty Officer Coates who stood in a corner, looking lost and desperately out of her depth.
The defendant's presence wasn't really important, but it was that drop of water too much that pushed Loren over the edge.
Before she knew it, she was stomping her way to the little group, a frown marring her otherwise-beautiful face.
Internally she protested against it, disagreeing with what she was about to do, but her body had a mind of it's own, the hurt she'd been feeling from the discovery of Kevin's treachery demanded an outlet. Unfortunately the only outlet she ever allowed herself was anger, irritation and annoyance.
Surprising even herself with the venom she barked at the man who'd unknowingly broken down her barriers with mere kindness, being the cause she'd been succeptible enough to Kevin's advances to give in to his constant invitations to a date.
"Commander, what is your prisoner doing here?"
"Don't ask."
"Just where did she spend last night?"
Oooh... hormonal much? her inner voice taunted her. Or just jealous? I'm sure that if you asked very nicely, he would let you spend the night...
"With me." Mac countered. Loren was taken aback for a second.
"Really?" she then raised an elegant, blond eyebrow. "What about tonight?"
Harm could see the claws out on both Mac and Loren and decided he didn't want to stick around for the overdue deathmatch. Looking at the two even-matched opponents he was struck for the first time with the fact he didn't know whom he wanted to win and the fact that for the first time in a long time he didn't automatically root for Mac made him realize he needed some peace to think about it.
"I need a beverage. Excuse me."
Internally sighing with regret Loren watched him walk away.
Why the hell did you do this?! she screamed at herself in her head. However she couldn't answer because she didn't know the reason herself.
Her slim shoulders slumped in remorse and self-recriminations as she turned and left the other way.
Watching CDR Rabb interact with their coworkers she again sighed to herself Why can't I get myself a decent man instead of always finding the same type? Is this punishment for the way I'm living my life and the kind of person I've become? Is it really too late for me to change?
For the first time in the last 10 years Loren Singer was starting to have serious doubts about her path in life.
Everyone was already piling into their cars when CDR Rabb and LtCol MacKenzie finally decided to show up. Loren snorted in disgust at the goofy grin on the handsome man's face as he followed the slim brunette, who looked mightily uncomfortable. It didn't take a scientist to figure out what had happened, Loren remembering her own "moment" with Big Bud under the mistletoe.
Why can't a smart man like Rabb see he's being led around by his balls by a horribly insecure woman who's keeping him close by, yet always at an arm's length, to constantly pit him against other men, just so she can be the center of attention and be reassured she's still sexy?
No matter how bitchy Loren was she was honest with herself that as a person she wasn't a good catch and it was a woman's personality that was deciding factor for any good man if he would stick around long-term. While she tried to be softer and nicer in her private life than she was in her professional Loren was nonetheless aware she was still in a sore need of having her sharp edges sanded out.
For his sake I hope Rabb will eventually lose the blinders and grow some backbone.
Walking out of the church alone, always alone, Loren caught sight of CDR Lindsey standing by himself. Her first impulse was to walk over and start brown-nosing, but for some inexplicable reason she stopped in her tracks.
The self-doubts from earlier in the evening came back full force.
Unintentionally her eyes sought out CDR Rabb as he was greeting CDR Turner.
The contrast between Lindsey and Rabb couldn't be deeper... one a loner and disliked, if not hated, by everyone at JAG and elsewhere; while the other an open person and well loved by everyone who knew him (except for the bad guys, of course).
Lindsey stood separated far from the rest with the expression like he'd swallowed a lemon; while Harm was talking to a friend of 19 years, a group of other people around him.
What should she do?
Should she really try to ingratiate herself with CDR Lemon-face? Or should she take a step towards redemption, towards turning her life around, becoming a better person?
Loren was looking her own black swan in the eyes, the moment that would either change her life forever or accelerate it down into the abyss.
"Commander?"
Just about to get into the Vette Harm turned around at the small voice and his eyebrows raised involuntarily when he saw the most unexpected person.
"Is the offer still good?" queried Loren timidly, looking at his car.
Harm shook off the momentary surprise and nodded, a smile growing "Of course it is. Hop in."
Opening the right-side door he waited for her to get in before closing it, missing the displeased look on his former partner's face.
Getting into the vehicle himself he turned to her and grinned "You ready for the sweetest sound in the entire world?"
Turning the keys and gunning the engine Harm let out a childlike laugh of delight as the roar settled into a steady growl.
Though she wasn't impressed to save her life, Loren couldn't help but get infected with Harm's enthusiasm. It was clear this dead object, this piece of machinery, meant a lot to the man and in that moment she got a small inkling into his conversation with Harriet in the bullpen just days ago.
She couldn't relate to it, for she had only ever bought an already functioning car and never repaired anything, just drove it to a garage for them to fix, but through months of hands-on, intimate work on this vehicle, Harm had gotten attached to it like he would to a living being.
Was it this, this connection, that made tinkering and working on cars, motorcycles and other vehicles so attractive to men? Why did they like working with their hands so much, not minding getting dirty, cold and hungry in their pursuit of making something old to work again? Wouldn't it be better just to buy something newer and fuctioning in the first place?
Months spent on taking something apart, cleaning it and then putting it all back together, sinking into it more money than a new one would cost... was it all really worth it?
Watching the expression of unadulterated happiness, delight and accomplishment on Harm's face Loren decided it must be. A feeling of envy touched her heart and she wondered, what does it feel like to have something that gives you such a simple, yet, powerful kind of joy and happiness?
Ever since becoming an adult Loren had never had anything like that, always having one goal in her crosshairs and when she achieved it, she never reveled in it or felt a fulfillment. Instead she immediately found another goal to focus her attention on. She'd achieved a lot, yet the irony was that she never took a moment to enjoy what she had and what she'd accomplished, never found pure pleasure in anything.
Loren had followed in the steps of many "successful" people... her drive to succeed and climb up the ladder was so strong and all-encompassing that she'd forgotten how to enjoy life, take pleasure in the simple things and her achievements. Greed. That was it, it was something as simple, yet incredibly powerful as greed driving her.
This thirst for power and advancement was also the standard on which she made decisions about relationships, either platonic or romantic. Even if it was about sex, she'd always chosen the man with whom affiliation would bring her the best results and further her career or social standing.
It struck her right then and there that that was the reason for almost everything in her life, including her miserable love life and recent disappointments.
Because of her ambitions she was always drawn to the same type of people: ruthless, remorseless, callous, cold-hearted, self-centered, ego-manic, selfish, cruel, opportunistic, loyal only to their own goals,...
These women and men were the cut-throat ladder climbers that didn't mind what they did to others in their single-minded pursuit of the top. They cared for nothing and no-one but themselves.
How could she honestly expect of the men she dated, the men that were from this very pool of sharks, to be loyal and steadfast in relationships, when it was against their sole nature to be generous?
How could she expect fidelity from someone to whom loyalty to others, compassion, sacrifice, sharing, love and generosity were not only foreign concepts, but concepts they derided, ridiculed, hated and sneered at.
Why should the men of these circles be any better than the women, when they were all raised into being that way or were just ruled by the same thirst for money, power, influence, fame,...
The simple and most heart-breaking fact of the matter was that Loren was going against her own nature.
She wasn't like these people and she wasn't like the person she was trying to force herself into becoming.
She still had goodness in her hidden under that gruff, venomous exterior, she still believed in love and still wanted happiness. She'd simply taken the wrong path in life, tried to force herself to be someone she wasn't.
Something deep inside her made her look to her left, at Harm sitting next to her, driving.
She couldn't help but observe him silently and compare him to the men she'd always been attracted to.
He was such an opposite. While he was immensely successful in his job and everything he did, he never strove for recognition, never put himself forth, never tried to place himself into the spotlight and take the credit. No matter what he did, it was fueled by a single goal: for truth and justice to prevail, which was sadly a rarity in their profession.
He was successful, but it hadn't corrupted him, he was still a good person, one of the best she knew and he could still find joy in life.
In that moment Loren made a decision. She was ready to turn her life around, she didn't like who she'd become and wanted to be herself again, she wanted to be able to stop and enjoy the scent of roses along the way, she wanted to again be able to enjoy the little things in life, she wanted to be able to have a healthy relationship with a man because she liked him for who he was rather than what he could give her even if he made less money than she and when the time was right she wanted to bring a life into the world that was created from their love.
These were all big plans, ones that would take a while to realise and they required her to take the first difficult step.
So, for the first time in a long, long, long time, decade even, Loren Singer allowed herself to be distracted from her former goal of conquering the world and let herself stop along the way to smell the roses.
Or, in this case, leather, Old Spice and exhaust fumes.
They drove along in a companionable silence, just enjoying the presence of another person, when
Loren was woken from her slight doze by the jerk of the car stopping.
"Why are we stopping?"
They both looked around, blinking in confusion.
It took a minute to recall the rumor about the CDR and then she turned an understanding gaze on him.
Harm's ear-tips reddened "Sorry, I didn't mean to, it was just automatic."
In a rare display of empathy Loren shook her head "It's okay, don't mind me, go say hello to your father."
At his surprised look she shrugged "People at the office talk and I've got excellent hearing."
Harm nonetheless put the car in gear "Nah, I'll just come back later."
Before he could drive off Loren put her small hand on his on the gear-stick. He looked at her surprised at the gesture, the woman he knew was far from big on physical contact. He was even more surprised to see her looking up at him gently.
"No need to, Harm. Go say hello to your father. I don't mind waiting."
Caught in indecision Harm looked at her "You sure? I'm usually a while..."
"Yes, I am, now go."
Harm sighed in defeat and smiled at her gratefully "Thanks. I'll leave the car on so you won't get cold. Lock the doors"
"Thank you." she smiled at him and his breath caught.
Looking up at him and smiling, not just with her lips but also her eyes, her cheeks flushed from the warmth of the car, eyes shining, kindness in those normally-icy blue orbs, lips full and red... she was sexy as hell.
In that moment it was like the world had stopped as he realized he was looking at the most beautiful woman in the world and was gripped with the desperate need to taste her lips, taste her soul.
He was leaning forward to do just that, noting Loren's eyes had widened and darkened, but she had surprisingly not backed away, when his rational side, the one screaming about the regs and about this exact woman not wanting him, took over and made him pull back. Shaking his head and averting his eyes he missed the disappointment over his retreat in her own.
Sighing, he gave her a half-hearted smile and got out.
Locking up, Loren sank deeper into her seat, sad and disappointed.
When he'd stopped his approach to her lips and backed away she felt hurt, the only thing keeping her from feeling crushed was the fact there had been no disgust or hate in his eyes. Instead there had been attraction, desire, surprise and, most surprising of all, the one that cinched it, fear.
Fear of what?
Of her?
She was small, so much smaller, while he was so big and strong.
How could she even hurt him?
It came to her then and she called herself 10 kinds of stupid for not realizing earlier.
While Harm tried to guard his heart, he still felt deeply and she'd heard of the lengths he went for people important to him.
Kissing is such an intimate act, an act that signifies a deeper emotional bond.
That's how she could hurt him. That's how he'd probably been hurt before to make him so cautious and outright terrified.
Loren could only guess at the number and identity of women who'd inflicted injuries on his heart, but she could definitely come up with one, the one that Loren herself had seen continuously torture him.
It came as no surprise they were both damaged goods, they both had tons of issues. Issues they would never be able to resolve and heal on their own.
She needed to think on this, but maybe just talking to the man she would get an idea.
"Hey, Dad. Another year has gone by and I still miss you. Good and bad happened since I was last here and have I got stories to tell..."
He was deep in explaining his confusion and frustration over Mac demanding he be there for her wedding without explaining her motivations when a loud scraping sound made him jump.
Whirling around he came face to face with a regretful Loren, her arms around herself to protect from the December cold.
"Sorry," she murmured "didn't see that stone."
"No harm done." Harm replied, wincing at the pun, but it did make Loren giggle.
"You go back to talking to your father..." Loren waved encouragingly with her hand, clearly still remorseful over having interrupted "I'll just take a seat and wait for you. No rush. Oh, I locked up the car, so you don't have to worry. Got the keys in my pocket."
"Thanks." he smiled in gratitude for her reassurance and her care about the safety of his prized possession.
Loren nodded and sat down at a discrete distance, so he could talk to his father in privacy.
Though she couldn't help but wonder. How much does the Commander actually still remember his dad and just WHY does he do this? Is it just a form of self-therapy, instead of paying a professional therapist? Or is it just because he needs to talk, needs to unload his burden, but doesn't have anyone he could tell these things to? If it's the last, then that says everything about his best friend, the one he should be able to confide in.
From what she'd been able to gather by snooping and listening-in on conversations, he'd lost his father as a very small boy. His father, a career officer had probably been in Vietnam more than once and had been there for months before being shot down.
If he'd lost him so young and hadn't seen him for so long, could he even still remember him?
Or is his father just a face on a photo with only a couple memories of emotions attached? Is he keeping these routines just out of a sense of duty, because the man was his father? Or is there more to it, is he doing this out of guilt for forgetting most of his memories of his Dad? After all, it's been more than 30 years and when he last saw his father he was at the age very few people still have any memories from.
She'd seen the photo of Harmon Sr. and his son that the Jr. kept in his office, probably everyone had. It spoke volumes that while other men kept photos of their girlfriends, fiancees, wives and children on their desks, he had a photo of his father. Had ever any woman had the honor of having her photo grace the spot next to that old picture?
Harm's life revolved around his father, even 32 years after the man's disappearance.
Everything he did, the very life he led, was centered around his long-dead parent. He'd joined the Navy, became a pilot, carried his picture in his wallet, kept going to Russia, religiously came to the Wall every year... She knew there were more instances, but didn't know Harm enough to guess them yet.
She was in no way trying to minimalize or belittle the significance, impact and tragedy of losing one's parent, but even with the pain and loss you have to move on with life. Harm hadn't.
Loren couldn't figure out why the shrink ex of Harm's that Loren had heard about in her first year at JAG, hadn't tried to help the man heal. If she loved Harm, wouldn't she have wanted him to heal for his own sake? Or was she just one of those floozies who fall for a man in uniform?
We must learn from the past, take it's lessons and make ourselves stronger, and not hold on to it, let it get so much power over us that it will hamper us in our lives.
It struck her then that she was a hypocrite. Here she was, pondering Harm letting the past hold him back, when she was doing the exact same thing.
When was the last time she'd talked to her own parents?
Easy, over 10 years ago.
When she'd decided to join up and had a big fight with them.
They hadn't wanted her to go, both having known someone who'd died in the service and they'd loved her so much...
In the end she'd provoked a big fight with her parents and threw some ugly words at them, at the two people whose only fault was that they'd loved her too much to want to lose her. The hurt and pain in their eyes from that day was still haunting her.
In the end, Loren had made them lose her. Breaking off all contact, she hadn't spoken to them in over a decade.
Only now, older and wiser (hopefully), did Loren understand their reasons and felt deeply ashamed for the way she had acted and how she had hurt the people most important to her.
It was time to redempt. Long past that time.
Getting off the bench Loren pulled the phone out of her purse and moved away from Harm, for his and her privacy.
With trembling fingers she typed in the number she still knew so well, even though it had been so long since she'd last dialed it, praying it was still valid.
It was half a minute before a harried voice picked up, so familiar even after so many years. Such a dear voice.
She felt tears prickle and itching at the back of her throat. Her parents loved to use the speakerphone because that way they could both talk to their daughter. Their last conversation, or rather, fight, had been over that thing, Loren then remembered sadly.
"Mom? Dad?" her breath hitched in her throat "It's Loren, your daughter."
The startled gasps almost broke her nerve, but she steeled herself and continued, wiping at the tears now running down her cold cheeks.
"I just wanted to say... I'm sorry." a sob tore out of her throat and a second later she could hear her mother's cries and her father's sniffles from the other side, but while she wanted nothing more than to just let her emotions take over, she had to say the rest. It was she who had to make the first step, she had to atone. If only that frog would leave her throat.
"I'm sorry for everything. So sorry. And I never stopped loving you, even when I was too stupid, too arrogant and too much everything to admit it. I'm so sorry."
Flipping her phone closed her shoulders heaved as if a burden had been rolled off and a small, unconscious smile graced her lips, even as tears continued to track unchecked.
The call had gone a lot better than she'd expected, than she'd had a right to, there'd been tears and I'm-sorry's on both sides. All the hurt and the rift weren't healed yet, but they'd made a start and things were looking up for them. Tomorrow she would go home for the first time in a long time, exploiting the suddenly free downtime. Her father had always been right: even a bad thing is good for something. She would see him again tomorrow.
Home.
A phrase, a physical object, a state of mind, she hadn't known in so long... Ever since she'd left them behind, none of her apartments had been a home. They'd been a place to sleep and occasionally eat, but never home. There'd ever been only one home. Yes, she had so much to look forward to in the future.
"You okay?"
The deep voice rumbling behind her startled her and she whirled around.
She still had tear tracks down her pale cheeks, but smiled nonetheless as she wiped them away, sniffling.
"Yeah... yeah, I'm okay."
Harm's eyebrow rose, ready to call her a bullshitter, but after quickly searching her eyes he realized with surprise that she actually was okay. The smile wasn't forced and her ice-blues sparkled with life and joy for the first time he had ever seen. Before she had had the sexiness of the fairy-tale's Ice Queen, beautiful but cold, but now, correct features transformed with happiness, she was truly stunning.
Nodding slowly, his eyes still fixed on hers, he gestured "Shall we?"
Letting her go before him it didn't occur to him until he saw her stepping very carefully. The snow was fresh and it had rained a little before the rain had turned into snowflakes. Loren wasn't dressed for these conditions, the narrow, high heels weren't the best choice for walking on ice lurking beneath that thin white blanket.
Overtaking Loren and stopping her, he offered his elbow to hold on to for support.
Loren quirked an eyebrow at him and the corner of her lips lifted, but she nonetheless took him up on his offer without a word of protest or a glare.
Then he mentally shook his head, he'd been around Mac too long to expect an approximate of "I'm a marine!" to his offer of assistance from every woman.
They made their way slowly, carefully, down the path while Harm's heart began to pick up speed at the sensory input of having a warm woman so close. He could feel her small, but sturdy frame pressed into his own for security of step, he could smell her perfume and, boy, did she smell good. It had been over 6 months since he'd last been so physically close to a woman, much less intimate, and it showed.
He had to admit, she'd really outdone herself tonight, the dress she was wearing was breath-taking. There was not a man at the party who hadn't noticed it, she'd outshone every other woman in attendance. In the two years he'd known her he could only once remember her looking this lovely and that was at Mac's engagement party.
If only she wouldn't be such a bitch so much of the time.
Yet, contrary to the rest of his coworkers who disliked the blond Lieutenant and avoided her, Harm believed there was still a chance for her. The moments he'd seen her unguarded, when she'd thought no-one was paying attention to her. The sadness, doubt and loneliness he'd seen in those stormy pools never failed to break his heart a little. It was these sparse glimpses he'd caught that kept him believing that what she let people see wasn't everything there was to her. There was still hope.
But maybe she was already ready. She'd been so different tonight, so much softer and that phone call... she'd cried. Yes, Loren Singer would have his support, for she deserved a second chance.
The newly restored vintage sports car stopped in front of an apartment building in Alexandria and the engine shut down. Yet the two people inside the small dark interior just continued to sit silently, unmoving, staring straight ahead, as if deep in thought.
When Harm was just beginning to wonder whether his passenger had fallen asleep with her eyes open she finally broke the silence.
"Do you want to come up for coffee?"
Loren looked at him askance, but only when she saw the amusement and a raised eyebrow did she realize what she'd said. Blushing heavily she stammered.
"I didn't meant it like that!"
"I know." he grinned.
With a growl of exasperation Loren shook her head and left the car, Harm following close behind.
It was with a great regret Harm made his farewells an hour later, but it was late and he knew she needed to get up early the next day.
"Why should I be getting up early tomorrow?" she asked him puzzled when he excused himself. The evening had been pleasant and she didn't want him to leave yet.
"I thought you had plans for the holidays?" he asked puzzled, his mind back to their conversation in Tiner's office.
Her silence told him he'd again put his foot in his mouth, he just didn't know how. Just as he started to kick himself for asking she finally broke the silence.
"I don't. Not anymore." she said flatly "Well, at least not those plans."
Harm nodded, chewing his lip with indecision. It was really none of his nevermind, but maybe he could help or at least offer some comfort "You can tell me to mind my own business, but can I ask what happened?"
Heavy sigh escaped her as her eyes could no longer meet his "He was double-timing me. With two other women."
Harm didn't have anything to say to that. His mind flashed back through all the examples of unfaithful partners he'd heard of and even knew personally, just as many men as women. Too many people nowadays lack any honor and integrity.
"He was a bastard, but not all men are like him. Don't give up on us. But especially don't give up on yourself." Harm's soft voice reached her as his hand tentatively settled on hers in support.
"I know you're not, it's just..."
"Hard." he finished her sentence, then sighed "Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know."
They again sank into silence until it was broken by Loren's whisper that was so quiet he almost didn't hear it.
"Will you help me?"
Desperate eyes stared pleadingly into his.
There was only one answer he could give "Of course. With what?"
"Become that worthy person you think you see."
"I can't, Loren." the crushed hopes and hurt in those lovely ice-blues hurried him to complete the sentence "Because you already are that good person. All you need to do is to put down that mask you keep carrying around."
"You mean I should shed my skin?"
Her playful smile caused his own to come out.
"Yeah. That."
10 MONTHS LATER
JAG HQ
HARMON RABB'S OFFICE
Harm picked up the office phone on it's second ring.
"Rabb."
"Harm?"
For a second he frowned in confusion. Why was Loren calling him on the phone when her office was just a couple of yards away?
"Yes, Loren?"
"Would you go out with me?"
Aaaah... So that's why. Still, he couldn't resist playing dumb for a second.
"Out where?"
The delicate snort of disgust on the other end of the line told him she'd clued in on his game "Out as in out on a date."
Harm's lips widened in delight. So, Loren was finally ready for that big step. It had taken a while, as a friend he'd stood by her side through her struggles to turn her life around to become a better person, supported her determination to go to counselling and solve her issues. Little by little she had dropped her masks and her walls, letting the true Loren Singer peek over the embattlements before stepping out. In turn she had stood by him as he worked on banishing his own demons, from PTSD to abandonment issues, some of them decades old, some only a few years. They had helped heal each other while they healed themselves. Their infant friendship had in the meantime and a consequence of all this grown quickly and now it seemed to be ready for more. Early on had Loren namely "warned" him that when she thought they were ready that she would be asking him on a date and he had better be waiting!
"What time should I pick you up?"
"How about 2000? I hear the carnival has got some great fairy floss."
"It's a date, Loren."
THE BEGINNING
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