It's been so long since I've written something new, so I've started writing every day and now I have another Merlin fanfic for you and another chapter to my SPN season 11 coda series! :D This little oneshot is about a panic attack... I've never had one and I hope I won't ever have one, but who knows. Anyway, be safe guys *hugs* :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.
Warning: I'm not native speaker.
HOLD YOUR BREATH
.
I hate the idea of waking up and going back to Arthur's chambers only to be yelled at. And even though it's not often, every time he raises his voice I feel... shaken. I don't know why. And don't get me wrong, I love being Arthur's servant – till the day I die. He's my friend and I couldn't bear to lose him. Ever.
But... things have been hard lately. Once, a long time ago, I thought I'd tell Arthur about my magic. Eventually. But now? The idea of Arthur knowing... it's become something that I have nightmares about. Something that I'm scared will happen every day.
I made myself believe that if Arthur ever knows, he'd kick me out. That we'd stop being friends and I can't... I can't let that happen.
Arthur just can't ever find out.
xoXÖXox
I'm pacing from one side of my chambers to the other. Around the table, around my bed, then I look out of the window and continue pacing. I woke up earlier today, on my own. It's because when Merlin arrives here, I want to talk to him about... something very important.
I know he has magic.
I've known for a few weeks now and yesterday I decided that today is the day I tell him that I know. I've been waiting for him to tell me, but he didn't, so I have to let him know that it's alright. I've accepted him, he's still my friend and his magic doesn't have to change anything between us. I don't want anything to change.
I can't stop thinking about how to tell him. It had to be so hard to pretend he doesn't have magic, and yet he fooled me and everyone else without any problem. I wonder if he's going to stay the same even if he knows I know about his magic. Maybe he has a completely different personality... I guess he's not actually as stupid as I thought, but I could always be wrong...
The door opens and I turn around. Merlin walks inside and sets the tray with food on my table, not noticing me. Only then he looks up and sees me.
"Arthur," he smiles, but it looks forced. "You're up and dressed. Have you had breakfast yet or do I actually have a reason to be here today?"
I chuckle slightly and nod. "Yes, actually you do." I say and come closer to him. It's time for the big talk. "I woke up early today because... because I wanted to speak with you about something important."
Merlin frowns a little and comes closer to me. "Is this about me not mucking out the stables yesterday?"
I frown. "What? Y-you didn't... never mind." I sigh and roll my eyes. "No, it's not about that. It's... something else. Maybe you should sit down."
"No, I'm fine." Merlin says and keeps looking at me. Keeps waiting. It's now or never.
"Alright." I smile. "I... I know about your magic."
Finally! I said it, it's finally done! I smile and look at Merlin, waiting for his reaction. I don't even really know what he's going to do, magic is still punishable by death and I just told him I know he's been practising it.
"...wha... what?" Merlin breathes out and swallows. His eyes fill with tears and his breathing quickens. Then his hands start shaking and... okay what is happening?
"Merlin?" I ask, but it's as if he doesn't even hear me. "Merlin, it's alright, I'm not mad." I tell him, but it doesn't help.
His breaths are quick and short and for a few seconds it looks like he's choking. His hands are trembling as he grips his chest and loses his balance. "Merlin!" I exclaim as he starts falling down to the ground.
I manage to catch him and then I help him sit down and lean against my bed. "Merlin, what's happening?" I ask him out loud, but he doesn't respond.
"I... I... Arthur I'm s-so so s-sorry!" He stutters after a while and closes his eyes. Then I notice there are tears on his whole face.
I did not expect such a reaction.
"It's alright!" I hurriedly tell him. "It's alright Merlin, I'm not mad at you. It's okay!" I take his hands and look into his eyes. He's looking at me. "What's happening?"
"It's... it's a panic attack." Merlin gasps. "Gaius said I could... I could have them." He closes his eyes again and keeps breathing quickly.
Alright. It's a panic attack. I've never seen anyone have a panic attack, but I think my father's friend had one once. He told me about it, I just have to remember what he told me.
"Alright, try think about something else besides me knowing about your magic." I tell him. Merlin opens his eyes and frowns at me.
"Not helping." He says, putting his hand on his chest again.
"Think about something else!" I say. I'm staring to panic too.
"Like what?" He pants.
"Like... like Ealdor and your mother and Gwen, she's our friend, right? Try to slow down your breathing."
"I... I can't. I can't." He gasps and closes his eyes again.
"Oh god." I grab his shoulders and look at him closely. I have no idea what to do, I don't know how to help him. Do panic attacks just stop after a few minutes? I look down at his face and tightly closed eyes and at his trembling lips.
And then I kiss him.
It's without warning and to be honest neither one of us expected it to happen, but it's still happening. My lips are on his and I'm holding his hand. It stopped shaking. He's not kissing back though, so I pull away after a few more seconds.
His eyes are still closed when I open mine. But the most important thing is that he stopped shaking and his breathing is normal again. Then he slowly opens his eyes and looks at me. Confused and maybe a little bit afraid.
"H-how did you do that?" He asks quietly.
I lick my lips as I slowly answer. "I... I heard once that holding your breath can stop a panic attack. So... when I kissed you, you held your breath."
"I did?" Merlin whispers.
I nod. "Yeah. You did." I smile at him and squeeze his hand.
"Thanks." He smiles. "Really smart."
"Are you alright now?" I ask him. "Because you probably didn't hear me, but I'm okay with you having magic. I've known for a while, you know?"
Merlin smiles slightly as he keeps looking into my eyes. We're still so close. "Thanks." He says again. A new tear escapes his eye and I wipe it away with my thumb.
"It's alright." I say and pull him closer to give him a hug. He wraps his arms around my back and takes a deep shuddering breath as he closes his eyes and lays his head on my shoulder. I smile and tighten the hug.
"It's alright, Merlin."
*The End*
I hope you liked it and I hope you didn't cry. I tried to make Merlin sound a little depressed maybe, I don't know if I succeeded. Please let me know what you think, thanks! :)