A/N: Leila Kalomi and Spock met six years before 'This Side of Paradise' on Earth. She freely admitted that she fell in love with him, but what did Spock feel? This is the story of that meeting.
This is an expansion of my short from 'Moments' entitled 'Lies,' and implies an understanding of the people and events from the TOS episode 'This Side of Paradise.' It is a missing scene from Spock's earlier years before becoming first officer of the Enterprise. The events were alluded to but never fully explained in the episode. This is my take on what might have happened all those years ago...
This is dedicated to my dear friend Penny.
For the First Time
He hadn't hurt like this since he was a child; since I-Chaya had died, in fact. And frankly, he'd thought he was beyond this kind of pain; that he had mastered and banished it decades ago. But the worst part was that he was not the only one hurting. The thought of what he had done to her, of seeing the tears coursing down her cheeks, the anger, sadness and look of rejection written on her face was a vision he simply could not erase, hours upon hours of intense meditation notwithstanding.
oooOOOooo
Three weeks ago.
"Congratulations on your promotion Spock—it was well-deserved."
He nodded hesitantly in acknowledgement of the praise, always uncomfortable in these types of situations. For Vulcans, excelling, giving your all, was second-nature. He could have done nothing else.
Standing at parade rest before his captain's desk, hands clasped loosely behind his back, he listened attentively as the man continued speaking. "To celebrate, I'm sending you to a two-week xeno-botany symposium on Earth," Captain Pike stated, smiling warmly at the newly-minted lieutenant commander.
He was seized by a moment of confusion tinged ever-so-slightly with panic. "I do not understand, sir," he mumbled softly.
"Spock, you've been serving aboard this vessel for seven years now, and not once have you seen fit to take a leave of any sort."
Ah, so that was the meaning of choosing to send him away. He relaxed slightly, at least as much as his nature would permit. "Vulcans do not require leave in the same way that humans do, sir. For us, to take leave means 'to rest,' literally. Physically, I do not require rest at this time."
Pike regarded his science officer with a wry, affectionate grin. "I'm aware of that, Mister Spock. But just because you feel you don't need leave doesn't mean you shouldn't take leave on occasion."
"Do you believe it would be beneficial for me to take leave, sir?" he asked, once again tormented by a twinge of apprehension. "Have I been performing at a sub-standard level?"
The captain chuckled at that. "Not in the least. You're one of my best officers, and as such I want to reward that, as well as commemorate your promotion."
"Again, I am at a loss, sir. How is sending me away from my duties meant to acknowledge above-par performance?" Despite his best efforts he could not keep a look of anxiety from flitting briefly across his features.
"Spock…" Pike let out a frustrated sigh, intent on making the logical youth before him understand. "You make it sound like punishment. Well, it's not, you know. You're a scientist. The annual xeno-botany symposium is one of the best in the galaxy. It involves two weeks of lectures, interspersed with hands-on experiments and lab work. It's being held in Salzburg, Austria, on Earth this year. It's worth going just for the chance to explore that city alone during the conference's down-time. It's the birthplace of Mozart, not to mention that a medieval castle and several ancient cathedrals make up a significant portion of the old city, separated from the new section by the Salzach River. Salzburg is a historian's paradise in its own right, what with the abundance of old-style baroque and gothic architecture. That, combined with one of the most prestigious scientific conferences in the galaxy, should put it right up your alley." Pike's blue eyes searched his own. "I know I can't talk you into taking leave to rest, but I figured you'd have no objection to a working vacation." The captain's look grew serious. "You don't, do you?"
It seemed this decision on the captain's part was not debatable. In all but literal words, Pike was ordering him to attend. He permitted himself an inward sigh of defeat. There was no question that he would not do his captain's bidding. "No, sir," he answered quickly, evenly. He stretched his shoulders, drawing himself to attention.
"Good. It's all settled then. The shuttle departs Starbase Two for Earth tomorrow at 0900, so you'd better get packed. We'll see you in three weeks, Mister Spock, allowing for the requisite travel time, of course."
"Yes, sir," the Vulcan responded crisply, turning on his heel and making for the door to Pike's quarters.
oooOOOooo
Four days later
Salzburg, Austria, Earth, 2261
20:30 local time
He surveyed the dining room in his hotel with no small measure of disinterest. It was late, and relatively empty. He returned his attention to the meal before him. The contents of the salad were unremarkable, although the fresh greens were a welcome change to the synthesized ones aboard ship, but the bread and cheese were exquisite. The crust was crisp, yet chewy, the interior of the individually-sized whole-grain loaf sporting a firm, coarse texture. The flavor was reminiscent of the Chollum his mother had baked when he was a child, stirring pleasant memories of a less-complicated time in his life. The cheese was earthy and rich, the pungent scent filling his nostrils as he savored the soft, creamy texture.
Thoroughly engrossed in the meal before him, he suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle and snap to attention. Unsure of the reason for the spontaneous sense of heightened awareness he lifted his head, once again assessing his surroundings. He noticed a petite woman watching him, seated by herself across the room, her gaze flickering swiftly from his as their eyes met. He allowed himself a few seconds to study the human woman. Was she someone he knew? Despite his heritage, he'd had very little contact with members of his mother's race until he'd begun his schooling at Starfleet Academy, and upon completion of that, his career aboard the Enterprise. For the past eleven years he'd lived primarily among humans; for the most part he found them to be boisterous and unpredictable, the experience vastly different from the staid, placid existence which had marked his first eighteen years of life among his father's people.
The human female's features were unfamiliar, but for some unexplained reason were producing a myriad of curious and atypical feelings within him. He shook himself slightly, attributing it to his understandable anticipation for the conference tomorrow.
His mind wandered back to the location in which he found himself. It was his first time in the city, and preliminary research conducted during the four-day trip here had confirmed his captain's observations—nestled in the foothills of the Alps, it was a most intriguing locale, the oldest central section of this divided municipality preserved almost untouched from its early beginnings over twelve centuries ago. This pristine environment was aided by the fact that the Salzach River separated the two halves of the city, the majority of the newer portion having arisen on the east bank as the then small town expanded and grew, fueled by an ever-increasing population. While some modern structures had been added to the outlying areas beyond the old medieval village, over two hundred years ago city officials had declared that no additional construction was to be allowed in the Altstadt. Motorized vehicles of any sort had been banned from that section as well fifty years later. What was left was a remarkably well-preserved example of a medieval European city, one of the very few that still existed in this day and age.
The incident with the strange woman promptly forgotten, he quickly finished his meal, downing his tea and rising to his feet, intent only on returning to his room to meditate before retiring for the night. As he wound his way between the quaint wooden tables toward the ornate staircase, plans for which attractions to visit within the older section of the city when the conference let out for the day tomorrow filled his head.
oooOOOooo
"I'm sorry, is this seat taken?"
He'd looked up, straight into the biggest, bluest pair of eyes he'd ever seen, shocked to discover that they belonged to the woman he'd observed in the dining room last night. She was standing in the aisle, gesturing to the empty chair to his right. He looked at it blankly for a moment before returning his gaze to her. Inexplicably, his mouth went suddenly dry, his brain fumbling for a coherent answer. "No, by no means," he managed to squeeze out in a voice that bordered on normal.
He rose politely to his feet, allowing her to slip past him. The slender young blond woman quickly seated herself, drawing a PADD from her bag and stuffing the oversized behemoth neatly under her chair. "I knew this symposium would be crowded, but I had no idea just how many people would be attending," she said, her eyes sweeping over the large lecture hall, brimming with at least a thousand beings from a dozen Federation worlds. "If we're going to be here for two weeks, we might as well get to know one another. Leila Kalomi," she announced brightly, extending her hand, a warm smile stealing over her face.
Despite his usual distaste for engaging in casual physical contact with complete strangers he grasped the proffered appendage, marveling at the softness of her skin. "I am called Spock," he said in a firmer voice, somewhat perturbed that he'd permitted himself to react to her at all in the first place.
"Pleased to meet you, Spock," she replied. Her eyes widened. "That's a Starfleet uniform, right?" she asked, her gaze intent upon him.
"Affirmative," he supplied. "I am currently stationed aboard the Enterprise, and serve as her science officer."
Unbelievably, her eyes got even bigger. "That's a starship, right?" He nodded in affirmation. "I've never been on a starship. Never been in space, in fact, but it's a goal I'm working toward."
"In what manner?" he asked. Interested only in discovering the motivation behind such an aspiration, he found himself curiously intrigued by this young woman.
"I'm a botanist, and I'm hoping to join a colony one day. That's why I'm here. I graduated from the University of Hawaii last year with a Master's Degree in Botany, but I'm afraid I won't be able to compete with those botanists who have already served off world. If I can learn about alien plants, or how to coax Earth flora to thrive on alien worlds, that should at least make me competitive." She grinned sweetly at him. "I'm here hoping to expand my knowledge base, gain some hands-on experience, and possibly make some connections that could start me on the right path."
He opened his mouth to answer but the lights started flickering rapidly, alerting the audience that the lecture was to begin momentarily. A hush fell over the auditorium as an Andorian approached the podium. "Gentlebeings, welcome to the Sixty-third Annual Xeno-botany Symposium, graciously hosted this year by the University of Salzburg, an institution that has been on the cutting edge for advances in botany for over two hundred years.
"If you will all please log into the symposium's syllabus, you will see a list of the available lectures and workshops planned for the next two weeks. With such a large group in attendance, it would be impossible for us to offer all of these events to everyone present, so if you would each choose twenty from the available list of fifty, we will place you in fifteen of those twenty choices. This will allow us to break you into smaller, more manageable groups. You have ten minutes to peruse the list and make your selections. After the lunch break you will be notified of your assignments via your electronic inboxes. The appropriate schedule will then be sent to your individual PADD's, and the symposium will begin in earnest tomorrow."
Spock felt a hesitant tug at his elbow, the crystal clear blue eyes searching his face once again. "Can I trouble you for suggestions, Spock? As someone who is already a science officer aboard a starship, you'd have a much better understanding than I would on what courses and lectures would be appropriate." She manipulated her PADD so that they could both see the screen, her forearm innocently brushing against his in the process.
He fought to not be distracted by the scent of lilacs in her hair as he quickly evaluated the areas of study open to them, explaining the reasons for his picks matter-of-factly.
"And which will you choose?" she asked, those enormous cerulean orbs fixed on his, her consternation all too apparent.
"I shall of course, submit the same choices. Logically, these are the ones that will prove the most beneficial to me as well with regard to my duties as science officer aboard a starship." That statement was totally inaccurate. He'd have no reason whatsoever to know which Earth plants would grow under specific alien conditions, or how to stimulate them to flourish, but she seemed to be in need of mentoring. Where was the harm in providing her with it he argued with himself? It was no different than offering his expertise to assist junior officers aboard the ship. The fact that she wasn't in Starfleet did not somehow diminish her need, and Captain Pike had not sent him here with a specific agenda. He was free to pick and choose whichever topics he found to be the most interesting. If they happened to coincide with hers…then that was fortuitous, indeed.
The look of relief that appeared on her face was instantaneous. "I'm glad. Now I'll have someone I know to help me make sense of things that might be beyond the realm of my personal experience."
He felt himself flush slightly.
It did not escape her keen sense of decorum. "I hope that wasn't too forward of me, assuming you'd help me before you even had the chance to offer," she supplied contritely. He noted that her eyes were now clouded with embarrassment.
"I shall be delighted to provide you with whatever assistance I am able during the course of the conference," he answered, an unexpected thrill of excitement coursing through him at the prospect. It is my duty to aid those who might require my assistance, nothing more he assured himself silently. The fact that she is an attractive female, by Vulcan or human standards, is in no way influencing my decision.
"Thanks, Spock," she replied, grinning warmly at him and briefly squeezing his forearm. "I must admit that I was worried about being here all alone—that maybe I was in over my head, but it seems I've made a friend already."
A hush fell over the great hall as the Andorian at the podium began speaking again: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you will now submit your choices." A rustle could be heard as a thousand beings hit 'send' on their PADD's. "And now, it is my great pleasure to introduce Elias Sandoval, one of the foremost authorities in the galaxy on cultivating non-indigenous species on alien worlds."
oooOOOooo
The morning's series of lectures passed quickly, but while Leila was intent upon taking notes, Spock found himself having trouble concentrating, easily distracted by the way his neighbor's hair cascaded down her shoulder, or her nods of assent or dissent as she silently agreed or disagreed with the speaker. Before long it was time for lunch. While the university cafeteria was at the disposal of the attendees, it was not capable of seating a thousand people all at once. A list of restaurants within walking distance was distributed via the PADD's, and the lunch break was two hours long—plenty of time for everyone to eat and return.
As Spock and Leila made their way outside into the warm summer sunshine she began speaking: "I don't know about you, but I think I'll have lunch at one of the nearby outdoor cafes—growing up in Hawaii I quite like the sun and the heat, and it's such a glorious day. I'd hate to waste it being cooped up inside the whole time." She glanced expectantly at Spock.
"I too would find that most agreeable. Aside from occasional landing party duty I am closeted aboard the ship for long periods of time. As Vulcan is a desert world I am also acclimated to sun and heat. It would be a welcome respite from recent months."
"Join me, then? I'd like to know more about life aboard a starship if you're inclined to share."
"I shall be pleased to provide you with whatever information you require."
Before long they were seated at an outdoor table in the newer section of the city overlooking the Salzach River and the picturesque medieval hamlet located on its west bank. The Hohensalzburg Fortress, a vast and formidable structure, dominated the landscape, dwarfing both antediluvian and modern buildings as it sat 125 meters above the ancient city, framed against the backdrop of the Alps visible in the distance. Perched on a natural hill the sprawling castle towered over the quaint village below. Built in 1077, for countless centuries the imposing structure had served as a tireless sentinel, a silent, stalwart protector for the people living in its shadow. Meant to ward off both loose conglomerations of tribal marauders and the contemporary, well-equipped armies of its day, this remarkable piece of medieval architecture was so intimidating that the city had never been attacked during its thousand plus years of existence.
Spock's eyes were drawn from these impressive sights to the woman seated before him as she began speaking. "So, what's it like, Spock—to be on a starship, I mean. As I mentioned, I have never been in space and have seen no other planet besides this one, except in vids, of course." The sweet smile returned as she sipped daintily at the water glass before her.
"For a scientist it can be quite fascinating. Even when we are not surveying distant worlds from their surfaces, we often encounter noteworthy and remarkable phenomena in space itself."
"Such as…?" she prompted.
"Quasars, pulsars, nebulae, supernova remnants, asteroid belts, gas giant planets—a plethora of natural wonders which serve to expand one's knowledge of science in general and the cosmos in particular. And there are numerous science labs aboard for conducting more conventional experiments, as well as an arboretum where a wide variety of plants from dozens of worlds throughout the galaxy are cultivated."
Their conversation was interrupted as their waiter appeared, his tray laden with food—a bread, fruit and cheese plate for Spock and a sandwich for Leila.
"It does sound quite exciting, but what's it like living on board? Are your routine day-to-day duties interesting? Do you get tired of being around the same people all the time?" she asked, nibbling at her turkey club.
Spock carefully considered his answer. "I find my life aboard her to be quite satisfactory," he supplied finally. "Are you also considering a posting to a ship, perhaps one dedicated to research?"
"No. I really do want to be part of a colony someday. I grew up on the small Hawaiian island of Lana'i, surrounded by nature and the outdoors. I spent my childhood swimming in the ocean and examining the species—both plant and animal—native to my home. I don't think I could handle being shipbound for months on end, no fresh air, no sun on my face or grass under my feet. Our state motto is, 'Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina I Ka Pono,' which means, 'The Life of the Land Is Perpetuated in Righteousness.' I've been tied to the land and the sea all my life. I don't think I could survive if I didn't have that. Nature, but especially botany, is my passion and it would be best served studying the species of flora indigenous to a far-off world."
"A most admirable goal. It is exactly this curiosity, this indomitable spirit which led man to tame not only his home planet, but to reach beyond it."
A broad smile illuminated her features and Spock found it most difficult not to react to it. In the short time they had been acquainted, this woman was able to breach barriers he had erected that had easily thwarted others who had come before her. As for the reason behind that, he could not fathom.
Leila leaned forward across the table, her lunch momentarily forgotten, her gaze locked on his. "I've never met a Vulcan before. Frankly, given the stories I've heard about your people, I expected you to be a little more reserved, less friendly. I'm so glad the rumors were proven wrong. I find you to be most charming and your company delightful."
"I am not wholly Vulcan," he admitted candidly. "My mother is human." This was not a topic for discussion he shared lightly. What had possessed him to reveal such personal information to a relative stranger?
She settled back against her chair, mischief dancing in the blue eyes. "You're just full of surprises, Spock. Something tells me this will turn out to be a most interesting two weeks."
Spock could only silently agree as he dropped his eyes to his plate, completely perplexed by this woman. "Yes. The subjects and lectures available at this conference should prove to be most stimulating, indeed," he replied, endeavoring to steer the conversation away from the unnerving, personal turn it had taken.
"Here's to the conference, then," she said, raising her water glass, the mischievous glint returning. "Hopefully it will provide each of us with something we hadn't expected."
oooOOOooo
Upon returning to the lecture hall, they learned that they had been assigned together to nine of their fifteen choices. Spock found that strangely disquieting. Somehow the shine of those six classes had worn off once he discovered Leila would not be attending them with him.
The remainder of the afternoon was swallowed up by additional guest speakers. The time passed quickly and soon they were dismissed for the day, the mini-courses scheduled to begin the following morning.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye until tomorrow, Spock," Leila said, standing and leaning close to him to be heard over the din of squeaking chairs and shuffling feet. She shouldered her bag. "I'm off to my hotel."
"Perhaps I could escort you there, since both of us procured lodgings at the same establishment."
"And how do you know that?" she asked with a sly smile. "I haven't mentioned the name of my hotel." She started up the aisle toward the doors at the back of the auditorium, Spock falling into step beside her.
"You were in the restaurant at my place of lodging last night. As the hour was already late, I logically surmised that you were a guest, not someone who had merely stopped in for a meal."
"Really? I don't recall seeing you there, although I was quite consumed with the details of the conference, wondering if I'd be able to manage it given my lack of outside experience." Her look shifted, becoming all-out playful. "Should I be worried that you noticed me?" she asked innocently.
Spock found it somewhat curious that she did not admit to seeing him. Perhaps she had merely been glancing about the room, not as fixated on him as he had initially suspected. He dismissed the incident, accepting her explanation without question.
"I am a Starfleet officer madam. I am trained to be aware of my surroundings at all times. There were seven people in the room excluding myself and the wait staff: Three human males, a Caitian, two Tellarites seated together, and you," he supplied.
She grinned openly at that. "Quite impressive. I can't even tell you what I had for dinner last night, let alone who was there with me. I guess that's the first lesson I should take from you—be sure to carefully observe the pertinent aspects of any given situation."
Spock was unsure of how to respond to that. The two walked in silence for the next few minutes, finally arriving at their hotel. "I'll be down for dinner around 7:00, if you care to meet me here," Leila announced casually. "If not, I'll see you tomorrow, Spock," she called over her shoulder, disappearing up the stairs to her room.
Spock stood rooted to the spot for a moment, once again at a loss for the proper reply. Shaking his head, he set out for his own accommodations, vowing to meditate and clear his mind of the peculiar occurrences of the day and the inexplicable, unfamiliar emotions Leila stirred within him.
oooOOOooo
He had met her for dinner, and breakfast the next morning. As a matter of fact, they proved to be quite inseparable for the next two weeks; the only time they spent apart was when they were not in class together. Spock found these occasions particularly tedious, the courses seeming to drag. During these instances his mind was focused not on the material being presented, but on the conversation he would have with Leila at the end of the day; of anticipating the exuberance with which she would describe the classes she'd attended and her impressions of the subject matter that had been covered.
The two had spent the entire weekend together, investigating a number of attractions available to them ranging from a tour of the Hohensalzburg Fortress and the Mozart house, to the exhibits in the state-of-the-art natural history museum located in the new portion of the town, to hiking along the Moenchsberg hill to the west of the city.
On Sunday Leila had persuaded him to attend a Catholic mass with her in the Salzburger Dom, or Salzburg Cathedral as it was known in Standard. Previous churches had been located on this site since 774, but it was Prince-Bishop Wolf Dietrich Raitenau who ordered the construction of the cathedral in 1628, the building virtually unchanged since that time. While not a religious man, Spock did find the rituals interesting; he had never attended mass before. It gave him the opportunity to observe the numerous examples of baroque architecture evident on the interior of the cathedral, and he marveled at the technical ingenuity and impressive engineering capabilities demonstrated by medieval stonemasons. But as fascinating as all of that was, he found that he spent the majority of that hour watching Leila. She seemed to delight in the service, not speaking a word of the German in which the mass was conducted, but able to follow the proceedings all the same. Translations were available through inconspicuous earpieces that were handed out as the faithful arrived—one only had to dial in the language in which one wanted to hear the service—but for Leila the experience clearly transcended the language barrier.
oooOOOooo
Tomorrow marked the last day of the symposium, and meditation was proving to be a difficult task this evening. His thoughts centered on Leila. He kept seeing her shy smile, her child-like joy and wonder at each new discovery, her sheer delight at drinking in every experience of the last two weeks, from the charm of the quaint, old city and its friendly, outgoing inhabitants to the cutting edge techniques and discoveries showcased at the conference on a daily basis. During their time together Leila had been in her element and it was all Spock could do to keep his own feelings in check.
He saw again the day they had attended the hands-on workshop for grafting alien species of plants to the indigenous flora of far-off worlds. The seminar was conducted on the grounds of the Mirabell Palace, located just across the river from the Altstadt. Seventy-five years ago the extensive gardens had been transformed into experimental venues dedicated to cultivating and finding the means for a number of plant species from other planets, including Vulcan, Rigel and Andor, to thrive in their non-native environment.
They had been shown examples of successful grafts which enabled these non-indigenous species to flourish on Earth, and had been taught the rudiments of that fundamental skill. Leila had grasped the techniques with remarkable acumen, showing and innate aptitude for the complicated procedure. Spock had been singularly impressed, and had no doubt she would succeed in her quest to attain a coveted spot as a botanist bound for a potential colony world.
oooOOOooo
The symposium had concluded earlier this afternoon, and it was their last night in this beautiful city. They'd decided to spend it taking in the spectacular nighttime views. After enjoying a quiet meal together they had headed west from their hotel, soon finding themselves at the footpath meandering along the east bank of the Salzach. The medieval city across the river was bathed in the soft glow of the stars and the full moon.
"So where will you go now, Spock?" She reconsidered her question. "Or can't you tell me?" she asked as the two strolled leisurely along the water's edge.
"In three days I shall return to Starbase Two and rendezvous with the Enterprise. After that we are scheduled for a routine patrol in an as yet uncharted section of the Alpha Quadrant. Our mission will be to engage in starmapping and cataloguing of the various planets surrounding these stars according to size, type, and prior habitation by indigenous beings in order to determine their suitability for colonization."
"How exciting," she replied, eyes shining in the moonlight. "Perhaps your ship will discover the future world I'll be stationed on someday." Her face fell suddenly. "That is, if an expedition sees fit to give me a chance."
"I have no doubt you will succeed in your endeavor, Leila. You are a gifted scientist and have gained much knowledge in your chosen field over the course of the last two weeks. You yourself informed me of the interest Elias Sandoval showed in you during your class with him." It was one of the ones they hadn't shared, but she had connected with and impressed the man she explained to Spock later with breathless abandon. Sandoval had agreed to help her gain the experience she would need to join his expedition in three years. Their destination was as yet undetermined, but the Federation had guaranteed him access to a suitable colony world.
"Isn't it beautiful?" she said, ignoring Spock's previous statement, eyes riveted on the Hohensalzburg castle. The stone structure, which dominated the landscape by day, was simply stunning in the darkness. Strategically placed floodlights illuminated the 1200-year-old feat of medieval technology, fostering the illusion that it was the guardian of the village sheltered below it. She sank to a bench along the path, Spock settling himself beside her.
"It is most impressive," he conceded, but his eyes were locked on her, not the city across the river. She turned to face him, wearing a wistful smile, and he found himself hard-pressed not to return it.
"Much as I'm going to miss this city, I'm going to miss you more, Spock," she confessed softly.
"I do not understand," he replied at once. "We can still keep in contact via sub-space radio, and I will be available to assist you in whatever manner possible to help you to attain your dream."
She smiled ruefully. "Thank you, but that's not what I meant." At his silence and look of confusion she forged bravely on. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" she'd asked softly, her voice pleading, her fingers intertwining with his as she grasped his hand, lying on the bench between them. "I'm in love with you, Spock. Can you honestly say you don't feel the same?" she'd ventured, her voice beseeching, her eyes overly bright and large in the ample moonlight.
He had abruptly snatched his hand back, the bottom dropping out of his stomach, a myriad of thoughts and answers pressing him. He had an obligation to Starfleet, to his ship, to T'Pring, not to mention to his Vulcan heritage. What would his father say? Vulcans simply didn't behave in this manner, spending time with and falling in love with women they barely knew. Finally, he'd provided the only answer he could; the only one possible given the circumstances. "Forgive me, Miss Kalomi, but that emotion is foreign to me. I do not reciprocate the feeling," he'd said, ashamed that he now knew with certainty what it felt like to lie between his teeth; it marked the first time he had ever done so since he'd left the earliest days of his childhood behind him.
The look of stunned disbelief on her face, followed shortly by fat tears trickling slowly down her cheeks, caused all kinds of unnamable feelings to spread throughout his body. He found it difficult to breathe all of a sudden, as if he'd been transported from sea level to the top of Mount Everest in a heartbeat.
"Then I guess there's nothing else left for us to say to each other, except goodbye," she replied softly, eyes studiously averted. "I'd better go before I manage to put my foot in my mouth even farther than I already have." She rose to her feet, shifting her gaze to his.
He stood as well, desperately searching for a way to salvage the situation, floundering in the face of her palpable despair. In fact, he was certain there was nothing he could say, short of recanting his denial of moments ago, that could in any way remedy this all-too-painful moment.
"I'm sorry, Mister Spock," she began finally, her voice quiet, quavering slightly. "Do you mind if I say I enjoyed getting to know you these past two weeks, and am eternally grateful for the guidance and assistance you provided me?"
"The last two weeks have been pleasant for me as well," he began, trying to find a response that would somehow wipe the look of anguish from her face. "Do not underestimate yourself, Miss Kalomi—your skills rival those of botanists with much more experience, and I have no doubt that Elias Sandoval shall be most fortunate indeed to number you among his core staff."
"Thank you, Mister Spock. That means a lot coming from you." She extended her hand to him as she had done on that first day, a gesture which seemed to have taken place eons ago. He grasped it, her sadness and shame instantly enveloping him through the tactile contact, in turn causing feelings of remorse and regret to well up within him. "Live long and prosper, Spock," she said fervently. "I truly hope you will find happiness someday—you so deserve it." She flashed him a melancholy smile. Dropping his hand, she turned and walked out of his life.
He remained frozen in place, even though his human half was screaming at him to go after her. Why did it feel as if someone was squeezing the life out of him as he watched her form grow ever smaller in the distance?
Over the course of the last two weeks he had behaved disgracefully, in a manner most un-Vulcan, inadvertently causing another pain due to his indiscretion. During his time at the Academy and during his years of service aboard ship, he had experimented with allowing his human side more free rein, a greater degree of expression, although in a precise, severely restrained manner. Perhaps it was in deference to his mother—while she had never expressed these wishes outright, it was evident in the pain he sometimes saw behind her eyes when he was attempting to be particularly Vulcan about something—or a way to rebel even more forcefully against his father's wishes than simply joining Starfleet.
To him, the interlude had seemed innocent enough—he'd never overtly expressed feelings of affection for Leila, nor done anything to his mind that would indicate a desire for things to advance beyond the realm of a professional relationship. It didn't matter that personally, his feelings had crossed over that boundary. The important thing was that he had in no way betrayed his bond with T'Pring, and hadn't given Leila cause to believe he could offer her anything more than his friendship—or so he had thought.
The emotional complexities that make up the human female had obviously eluded him. Leila had not been fooled by his lack of admission, and had apparently given subtle, tacit clues herself that her feelings had progressed from friendship to love over the course of those two weeks, but he'd been unable to pick up on that.
The walls of his quarters materialized around him once again, the scent of incense from his asenoi filling his nostrils. But the intense meditation had made him feel worse, not better, about his actions during those two weeks. Her tear-stained face continued to float before him, silently attesting to his failure to comprehend the disturbing emotional pitfalls inherent in his human half, and his inability to properly manage those feelings which sometimes transcended his best efforts at control.
It is not my destiny to walk in both worlds. I have proven that I am unable to master the idiosyncrasies of my human side. I must redouble my efforts to be wholly Vulcan, and bury my human half so deeply and completely that it will no longer be responsible for causing another pain in the future.
He now began to mentally wall off that part of himself that for the past eleven years had always been caged and tightly controlled, but able to hold sway over his actions on rare occasions. Such had been the case with Leila. In his mind's eye he could see the barrier grow ever higher, the thick stone bricks eventually enveloping his human half in total darkness, cutting off the relentless screams for freedom and expression. He vowed that from this moment forth, he would never again allow himself to become emotionally attached to another; the risk was simply too great.
He rose to his feet, padding to his bunk and slipping beneath the covers. "Computer, lights off," he called, and the room was plunged into darkness. Rolling onto his side he closed his eyes, but not before a soft, anguished declaration escaped his lips. "I am sorry."
FINIS
A/N: There is no question that the Spock we saw in 'The Menagerie' was more emotional, and that he did love Leila, even though it took being infected with the spores for him to admit it ("I love you. I can love you."). I was looking to explain that, and find the reason behind his tearful declaration of "I'm sorry" when Chapel informed him of her feelings for him in 'The Naked Time.'