The Comedy of Romeo and Juliet
[Juan Luis Guerra "Medicine for My Soul" playing quietly in background.]
[Romeo, dressed as a ninja, hides behind a tree that is home to a wasp nest.]
[Juliet, dressed in a sheer nightgown, can be heard mumbling to herself- this mumbling has been going on for an hour already.]
[Xandria "Beware" begins to play in background.]
Juliet
[Loudly.] And for that name, which is no part of thee, [Juliet adopts a sinister smirk and uses a knife to carve a black magic rune into balcony railing.] take all myself!
[Juan Luis Guerra "Amores" begins to play in background.]
[Romeo steps out under the branches of the tree, revealing himself to Juliet, who can't see him because it is dark.]
Romeo
[Starts softly, lips spreading into a stupid grin.] I take thee at thy word!
[Wasp nest falls on Romeo, who screams and tries to karate-chop wasps into oblivion.]
[Juliet screams, throws her knife out into the darkness, stumbles backwards, trips over a rock, curses lividly under her breath as she falls and lands on her tailbone, and shrieks in pain.]
Juliet
[Angrily.] What man art thou? [Scrambles back into standing position.]
Romeo
[Begins to cry since Juliet's knife damaged his brand new haircut, pulls himself together, and speaks confidently.] My name [Thinks back to his family tree.] is hateful to myself. [Looks up at Juliet.]
Juliet
[Places sleeve over black magic rune, rolls eyes, and speaks in unimpressed, deadpan voice.] Romeo Montague.
[Music stops.]
[Romeo hides as Capulet guards come marching around the corner singing "Soldier Boy". Juliet winks at a specific guard who has wandering eyes.]
[Romeo reappears.]
Juliet
If any of my kinsmen find thee here— [Romeo cuts her off.]
Romeo
[Spreads arms.] Thy kinsmen are no stop to me!
[Juliet, angry at being cut off, throws her shoe at Romeo, hitting him in the head and causing further damage to his hair.]
Juliet
[Growling.] If they do see thee they will murder thee.
[Pirates of the Caribbean theme begins to play in the background.]
Romeo
[Mistaking her words for concern, he responds in a soothing voice.] My life were better ended by their hate than death prolonged, wanting of thy love.
Juliet
By whose direction found'st thou out this place?
Romeo
[Kneels.] By love! [Juliet snorts.] He lent me counsel and I… [Romeo takes out the book "How to Pick Up Chicks" by William Shakespeare, flips through until he comes to a bookmarked page. Meanwhile, Juliet has taken new interest in her black magic rune.] … lent him eyes!
["Angel of Darkness" begins to play in the background.]
Juliet
[Nods sagely.] Dost though love me? I know thou wilt say "ay," and I will take thy word. Yet if thou swear'st thou mayst prove false.
[Romeo looks around for references, then becomes excited, almost jumping up and down.]
Romeo
By yonder blessed moon I vow—[Cut off by Juliet.]
Juliet
Swear not by the moon, that monthly changes in her circle orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable.
Romeo
[Pondering.] What shall I swear by?
[Juliet points at Romeo with a sharpened nail and raises her eyebrows.]
Juliet
Swear by thy self, and I'll believe thee.
Romeo
If my heart's dear love… [Romeo does not notice as Juliet whispers black magic incantation that matches her black magic rune as he swears, binding him to her forever.]
Juliet
[Suddenly.] Good night, good night!
[Juliet exits balcony, slamming the balcony doors loudly in the night.]
Romeo
[Stunned.] Wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
[Waits ten minutes for Juliet to come back out.]
Romeo
[Forcefully optimistic.] Sleep dwell upon thine eyes! Hence will I to my ghostly cell.
[Romeo tries to exit.]
[No matter what he tries, Romeo cannot leave the Capulet mansion, as if something is keeping him there.]
[Romeo decides he's okay with never leaving the Capulet mansion.]
[We hear Juliet's evil laughter filling the night.]
~fin~