One brief moment of happiness, that is all I felt I ever deserved. How many years did I wander alone, and know for certain I was condemned to suffering. I had a toll to pay. Who would have thought I could ever smile again.
"I don't care about your past…Lets go home together." These words echo in my dreams, wrapping me in a warm comfort. The burning passion I once had for Tomoe, was only a simple candlelight's glow next to the roaring flame of Kaoru's love. She understands my suffering without having suffered, Tomoe knew suffering and wanted to make others suffer. Kaoru has a life burning inside of her, but Tomoe always appeared so lifeless. At one point I was lifeless too, I didn't care for anything but the blade. Even a recreation of Kaoru's lifeless form breathed more life then ever Tomoe or I ever would.
I needed Tomoe as a support, she would hold me in my darkest nights. She was comfort and a guiding light through the blood shed around me. I was told it was okay, and that it would all be over soon. However, her voice also sounded as if she was mocking me from the very grave I sent her to. Telling me, how she loved me, while at the same time I kept on fighting. Would the pain ever be over? It seems I may have built a pedestal for her to be on. One so high that I could not dare touch the one I hurt so much, and who I loved once. I can keep my eyes down cast, as I see Tomoe far above and away from my blood stained hands. With Kaoru it's different. When I hurt Kaoru, I have her face to look into. She stands at eye level with me.
A ghostly hand can do nothing but fade in the sun. She was always like a ghost, even when she was alive. She stood at my side but was barely there. She waited for an opening, and took it once it was found. Am I to be cursed for allowing her in, or cursed worse for allowing her to love me? Cursed because I let her see an image she couldn't hate, and one she could even look to for forgiveness. Forgiveness for her sin of not loving her true fiancée enough, her sins that now leave a mark on me.
"Clean the dojo…start a hot bath…cook dinner." Words spoken only with true love. She asked of me and I willingly give. Tomoe and I asked nothing of each other, what we gave each other was suffering. We put our burdens on each other. Kaoru could never let me hold her suffering, at least not alone. I love her, I do, and I think I always have, even during a time I never knew her. I loved Tomoe at one point to, but that was a moment as fleeting as the night we spent together. A small candlelight's flame flickered between Tomoe and I. Kaoru's love could have restarted the fires of Kyoto.
"I was drunk…" We met in the rain of blood. A bad omen if ever there was one. I forgave her long ago, because it does no good to hold grudges against the dead. I created an image of her, more perfect and pure then she ever was. I know that now, but I suppose it's only to honor her memory. Just as I honor our marriage even if it was never legal. I barely knew her, how can I say I love her? Then again, how can I say I love this woman with whom I stay with now. My heart cried out to both of them, but the only one who answers it, is Kaoru.
We met in the day light in a moment of total misunderstanding. Our relationship has always felt like a whirlwind, so free and dizzying. Why did I say goodbye as I did. It was like I was saying goodbye to Tomoe. I was putting Kaoru away on a pedestal next to Tomoe. She would be safe up there, away from me. To see her again, only brought back the reality of who she was. She was not willing to stay were she was put, she come down to my eye level, and her eyes could hold me forever in but a brief moment. I remember waking up to find Tomoe looking over me one morning. Always she was looking over me, down from a pedestal. She wasn't arrogant, this was just how things where. If she had lived on, we could maybe have had something. It was in the last moment that she was there in my arms dying. She was human and real, and of my world. A world filled with blood.
One lead me to be the battousai, the other lead me from that. It wasn't Tomoe's fault, and I can't blame her for my own actions, but I can't deny that without her, my life would have been different. I don't know if I would have become the battousai, and I don't know if I would have ever become the rurouni either, but I do know without Kaoru's voice I would never have returned to being Kenshin. I gave up being Kenshin the moment I left my master's cabin.
I was drawn to the light of Tomoe, a moth to the flame. Kaoru ran me over with a wild fire of emotion that I never knew lived inside of me. I have been able to predict the moves of my opponents by reading their emotions. Their souls could be shown to me in their eyes. Tomoe's reflected a pain that I thought I knew and understood at that time. The pain of her death was only going to be the first of many. I learned true pain with every person I killed after her. I had to put her away along with all my killing, if I ever wanted to heal.
It was in Kaoru's eyes I saw a strength and determination that I needed. For ten years I had wandered with a vow of non-killing, but I only had a fragile grasp on it all those years. It was in her eyes I could see a future, one where I could actually put away my sword. It wasn't going to be easy, but the first time in ten years, I knew with her help I would be able to do it. When Kaoru called me back from being the battousai during the fight with Jin'e that is when Tomoe voice finally fell silent on her pedestal. I like to think that Kaoru's scream that night, blasted her away.
My heart soared then crashed so suddenly. I had to leave the woman I loved. I had to protect her. Was it that the pedestal was now empty and it was claiming it's next victim. I could not bare what I had to do, I felt again that happiness was forever to be denied to the one with blood stained hands. But then she is the most incredible woman in this world. She saw beyond my hands to my heart, I never knew someone else could read a soul as I could. Kaoru's strength caused her to follow me all the way to Kyoto.
Sitting in front of Hiko I knew the meaning behind the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu, yet it meant nothing at all. I was willing to throw my life away, and everything else, just as I had thrown her away. I thought this, till she walked in the door. So easy it was for me to give up on the lessons I had worked for fifteen years to learn. Here I was hoping to truly reclaim them again. Then I realized it was because of her. Every step she took in and out of my life caused me to know what I wanted. Then and now, doubt things again, and face it again. The only constant was her. She kept me returning to being Kenshin. I could smile around her, or more correctly I learned how to smile around her.
I owe Tomoe only for pushing me off the cliff, it was Kaoru who dived in after me. Was I so wrong to enter her life? Did I deserve to have her in my life. I asked myself so many times, why me? Why did I have to meet Hiko, why did I have to meet Tomoe, why did I have to become the Battousai. Why me? Why did I get to be so lucky as to meet her…Kaoru. Here she was, and she has saved…me. I can now blow the candle out.
V1.0 - Lots of re-drafting while writing it. I really like this piece, and would love feedback on it.
Please e-mail me feed back VampireAnneke@yahoomail.com