(2981 words)
The Apology You Never Heard
Padma and Lavender had found themselves in a dark alley. Whose fault that was was something neither of them could coherently decipher—according to one, it was the other's, naturally—but the truth of the matter was that they were in a dark alley, and that was that.
"I don't think this is the right way," came Lavender's quite pathetic whimper.
"No," Padma hissed, "I planned on this so that I could murder you without any witnesses. Honestly, Lavender? Let's just go back to the main street and ask someone for..."
"What? What are you looking at? I can hardly see you."
Padma blinked several times in the dim light, trying to understand. The path of light they had entered from had disappeared, and it was as if they were suddenly boxed in from all sides. She opened her mouth but at first no words came out, only a low noise of confusion.
"What?" Lavender repeated, more frantically this time. "What is it?"
"Er... which way did we come in from?"
"That way, wasn't it?"
"I can't see which way you're pointing, Lavender."
"Oh, right. Here, let's..." There was a scuffling noise, like skin against fabric, and then a sound like ah-ha. "Lumos."
The light emitted by Lavender's wand was weak and mingled helplessly with the dull sunlight falling from overhead, but it was sufficient. Padma drew her own and followed Lavender as she attempted to retrace their steps, but they did not get far before Lavender let out a squeak.
"What?" demanded Padma. "You're so flighty..." She suddenly recalled saying this to Parvati on several previous occasions, and immediately did not like the comparison.
"This isn't the right way," the other girl said. "It should be right here..."
"Oh, God."
"Stop that."
"No, really, we're going to be so, so late... How could you not remember the address?"
"I know how to get the chapel from Diagon Alley. I can usually navigate it—wait, wait, how can I not remember the address? It's your sister we're talking about here!"
"I should never have volunteered to go with you. Oh, God, you make every situation so much more miserable."
"Would you just shut your—" But Lavender's words suddenly transcended into another squeak, followed by a thud and a thin clatter, and Padma saw in the dim wand light that she had flipped over onto the ground.
Padma only watched as the girl stirred on the ground. "How did you just do that?" she asked with wonder.
Lavender's wand had fallen a little away from her, and she reached her hand out to grasp it. She pulled herself into a sitting position, holding the light over her knees and put a hand to her forehead for a long moment. When she finally spoke again, her voice changed in some incomprehensible fashion, and took on an accent very much not her own. "Ahhh, nostalgia," she said in Parvati's voice, and Padma saw her struggling to get back to her feet, "how sweet you are."
Padma stood still, skin suddenly very cold. Slowly, and with difficulty, she snapped back, "How about you start speaking English instead of acting like a ditz?"
"I was just reflecting on that time in seventh year when I was being eaten by a werewolf and you looked and ran the other way. Do you remember? Hm?"
She had completely frozen now, trying to push the sound of her sister's voice from her mind. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"I don't know, I just fell and you did nothing but wonder as to why my body responded in such a manner," said Lavender, who had rapidly become herself again, "when the normal thing for someone to do is to offer a hand or, you know, ask if I was okay."
Padma clenched her jaw and then turned away, leaving Lavender in half-light. "Don't bring that up again," she said over her shoulder, warmth steadily returning to her. "Not today."
"Whatever," Lavender said. "Like it's really my fault you got into a row with Parvati over it."
"How is it not?" said Padma hotly. "The only reason you told her at all was to stir up trouble between us!"
"It wouldn't have stirred up trouble if it wasn't true," said Lavender. "You didn't care if I died or not. That's the fact of the matter."
"No," Padma said, "No, I didn't care. And you know what? I'm awful. I'm a terrible person, and I'm cowardly and weak and I'm going to rot in hell, but you and I are stuck in a dark alley without any knowledge of getting out, and that is what I care about right now."
She could hear Lavender flinch away in the darkness. "Right," she said. It was like slapping a puppy or something. Honestly, why was Lavender such an infuriating moron? "I'll look over here. If we can't find it, we'll just apparate to Diagon Alley."
"Right," Padma repeated. There was a dull heat throbbing in her core, but she tried her best to ignore it. The way Lavender's silhouette stood out against the brick was strange, and Padma found herself staring, wondering how Lavender could ever get her shoulders so straight or her back to curve so elegantly in the same way that Parvati's did.
This was a problem. She dragged her eyes away.
"You're all right, aren't you?" Padma said after awhile. "You're not dying from that fall, are you?"
Lavender made a humming noise, then said, "I think I've ripped my dress. That's all. I can mend it once we're in the light."
Padma scoffed. "I don't know. Maybe a tear could help that dress out. A mud stain, even, probably."
Lavender made a loud groaning noise like she was dying. "Would you shut up? Merlin's bloody beard, I actually thought for a moment that you were trying to be decent."
"I was trying. I decided I didn't like it."
"Evidently," the other girl sighed. "Look, Padma, why did you even bother going through this at all? I could have gone on my own. You knew that."
Padma tapped at the brick. "I don't know," was all she said.
She glanced at Lavender, who she could see had folded her arms, her lit wand tucked in the curve of her elbow. "For Parvati, wasn't it?"
"I just felt like I should," said Padma, more softly this time. "That's all. I don't remember the last thing I said to her. And I wanted to make amends. Somehow." She paused, rubbing at her forehead again, thinking she'd have rubbed it raw by the end of the day. "I don't know."
Padma could hear Lavender inhale, the crunch of her feet spinning around across the floor. "I don't see how we got in here at all. Do you just want to try apparating?"
"Yeah, I.." Padma had just lowered her wand when she spotted it. "Do you see that or am I going mad from being in a confined space with you for too long?"
"Hey, look at that," said Lavender, a smile in her voice. "That's the way we came in, isn't it?"
"Oh good lord." With a relieving rush they extinguished their lights and went towards it. In moments they were enveloped by the afternoon sun. A giant weight was suddenly lifted from Padma's shoulders and her breathing was less troubled. Without really thinking of it, she glanced back over her shoulder to where they had just come. There was only a brick wall. "Uh... Lavender?"
"What is it now, Padm—" She stopped. She was staring, too. "Seriously? What's going on? What is this?"
The alley had all but disappeared. "I don't know," Padma said, shaken. "That was bizarre."
"That whole thing... ugh. At least we're out, yeah? I think I know the way now. Let's just hope there aren't any more strange alleys on the route..."
And so they walked. They were, for the most part, very silent, save the occasion that one of Lavender's wobbly heels stuck in a crevice along the pavement ("First time wearing heels, Lavender?") or Padma would pipe up with a characteristically snarky comment ("I keep getting these flashes," Lavender would say in response, "of you with a bloody face. Keep it up, why don't you, and we'll see if I really do have the Sight.").
After a while, the sun had begun to lower in the sky and the heat had fallen away somewhere on their path. Much gentler, and in the midst of a long span of silence, Lavender asked, somberly, "What color is Parvati wearing? How do they do that, you know, the Indian way? Will she wear white?"
"They're not doing it very Indian. They wanted it to be more wizard-like. So, yes, white."
"Oh." Then, "Did you help pick her dress out?"
"Yeah, I did." Padma glanced over at the girl by her side. "Good thing you didn't, hm?"
Lavender only groaned, and they walked the remainder of the way in complete silence.
When they finally arrived at the chapel, Padma was not as relieved as she expected herself to be, and a different kind of dread settled in her stomach. The rush of air as the door opened soothed her aching bones, but only somewhat, and the scattering of bodies overwhelmed her so greatly she felt as if she might be ill.
"Padma!"
Cho's voice brought her back to the surface. In the corner of her eye she spotted Lavender retreating. With a sharp intake of breath Padma tried to forget about the entire day and greeted her long time friend with a hug.
"I was looking for you earlier," Cho told her, cautiously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, her eyes earnest. "I was hoping I'd see you before it all started.. How are you?"
Padma pressed her lips together. The question meant all sorts of things, and she should have known Cho would ask. She didn't know how to answer, so she didn't. Instead they both slowly found Blaise Zabini farther off, eyes settling on his slender figure. They were evidently not the only ones to spot him; Lavender approached him, a kind smile on her face. Probably about to talk her mouth off.
"He looks good, considering, doesn't he?" said Cho.
"I don't know. I always thought he just looked very dead," Padma said bitterly. Cho's eyes widened in alarm, but Padma ignored it. She wasn't going to feel guilty for having said it—it wasn't as if Parvati would know that she'd just publically blighted her fiancé. Or technically, her former fiancé, probably better put, as that was the nature of these things. "I should get going. I'll catch up with you later, all right?"
She was vaguely aware of Cho forming words before she darted off towards the unhappy looking pair. Padma yanked on Lavender's arm, not even acknowledging Blaise, and Lavender began to protest until Padma said, "It's about to start," and silenced her completely.
x x x
Afterwards, Padma went to the lavatory and splashed cold water on her face. She felt foolish, like she might be overreacting, and splashed herself again to rid the thought. The water in the basin of the sink swirled with black from Padma's hastily applied make-up, and she rubbed under her eyes to rid of it completely. She looked up at the reflection in the mirror with some trepidation, trying to control her shaking. The rims of her eyes were red and her tears had gotten lost somewhere in between splashes.
This was not who she was. At least, this was not who she wanted to be. The Padma she envisioned did not care about her sister's best friends, did not get jealous, did not fall apart in public restrooms.
But she wasn't that person. She wrestled a hand towel free and dabbed her face dry, watching herself the entire time in the mirror, before smoothing a crease in her dress and walking back out to face the world.
Everyone had gone by now. Even Lavender, even her parents. Everyone but one. She knew that she would still be there. At first, she hesitated at the door, staring at the great empty room as if it would collapse. But, her envisioned self or not, she knew better, and drifted inside.
Parvati was still in the chapel, untouched in her pearly white dress. Padma caught sight of her face—calm, serene, dreaming, maybe—and felt something ache in her chest. Her sister's face pointed towards the highest point of the chapel's dome, as if she might be contemplating or basking beneath its beauty one final time. Padma went and sat on the step below her.
"Hi," Padma said, but she was only answered by silence. She didn't mind now; she had become accustomed to it. "Look, I was going to leave and then I thought that... I just wanted to talk to you. One last time. I'll be content to talk at you, too. That's okay."
She breathed, ran a hand through her hair.
"I don't know if Lavender talked to you, but we got stuck in some super weird alley on the way here. I don't know how to even explain it. It was like some sort of punishment for me almost letting her die two years ago and it wasn't until I said I wanted to amend the situation that we could even get out. Don't ask me, the whole thing's loony, I've got no idea. I've heard of weird magic like that all over London—you know, emotional magic—but I think that's a load of rubbish. I guess we were just a little overwhelmed and frantic. But can you blame us?"
Padma pulled her knees to her chest and rested her face on them, staring at her sister's face through a tilted world.
"I don't think Lavender and I will ever be friends," said Padma quietly, and then a little more loudly, "and I wish you could be okay with that. We've been enemies this whole time with entirely realizing it, I think. We were just always on either side of you, and I know that you've always meant a great deal to her, but you're my sister, and she's not. She's just some girl you found that was just conveniently exactly like you and you spent seven years of your life with.. while I have never been anything like you and so I never even got the opportunity.
"How fair is that? What does it matter if I'm brainy if I'm lonely? Sure, there's Cho, and she's always been brilliant, and I was always fond of the girls in my dorm, but you and I were supposed to be born inseparable, and we weren't, and I don't think I've ever come to terms with it.
"I hate her, and it's awful that I can say that without feeling any sort of remorse, but I do. We choose who we hate, don't we? It's a conscious decision that we make and it's a conscious decision that we carry out. But love is different. You can't help who you love, try as you might. It just grows and grows and grows until one day you notice it's there. I don't think you can ever really shake that sort of feeling."
She rubbed at her eyes more, her legs falling, wishing that Parvati would say something, but still expecting nothing all the same.
"I'm sorry, Parvati. I'm sorry that I don't regret what happened with Lavender. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better person for you. And I'm sorry I'm taking this whole thing so badly, not even the whole Lavender ordeal. I shouldn't want to rip Zabini's eyes out, but I do, and that's another story altogether.
"I've tried to hide this depressed thing of mine lately. I'm sure you noticed, though, because you notice everything, even... even now, probably. I'm sure you're mad at me for making such a big deal over it, but it's you, Parvati, why wouldn't I? I feel like the world's ripping you away from me without even giving me a chance to make it better. Is that selfish? I don't know. I'll be alone at our house. With our parents. Alone, Parvati. Don't even want to think about it.
"But I guess that I realized sometime today that I'll be all right. Not happy, not for a while, but I'll be okay. The world's okay. But only if you're happy. And I mean ecstatic and elated and positively gleeful, all right?"
She smiled, almost, and looked her sister in the face. She stood and sighed, glanced around the entire room, fell back to Parvati.
"I should go now," she whispered. "I don't know when we'll see each other again. I don't know how that all works. But I think we will again, one day."
She bent down to her sister's forehead, willing all of her strength, and pressed her lips to her skin. She tried imagining her cold, marble skin was still young and warm, not this ice figure she'd become. Padma brushed the dark hair at Parvati's temple so she would remember the feeling, and she knew she was crying now—sobbing soon—but she could not feel it, could not even feel the ground as it dug into her knees when she collapsed at the side of her sister's casket. She wanted to stop crying so she could see her sister's face, the way her eyelashes curled when they were closed, the shape of her lips, the slope of her nose, the shape of her chin. She wanted to see it all until she could not see anything ever again, and nothing she could think of to say was good enough.
"I love you," Padma said to her, for it was the only thing she wanted to say at all, again and again and again and again, until she was sure she could hear it.
A/N: Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition for the Chudley Cannons, with the prompts Fashion, Mirror and "Ahhh, nostalgia, how sweet you are." As well as enemies PadmaLavender.
If it seems terribly rushed or sloppy, it's because it was. Either way, I'd so love a review. You're all darlings. Thanks for reading!
(Also.. LavenderPadma = Lavvy Paddy. Like Krabby Patty. Yup. That's my ship name for them. I know. I'm super cool.)