NY, June 25th 2013
Dear Diary,
I'm back.
What a disaster!
Normally I would call Molly and talk everything through but somehow I need to sort out what has happened by myself before I go to her.
It's been a really long time but I hope you' ll do.
I have only been in the UK for a short time but the guy in the travel agency was right – what a life changer!
I will come to what has happened at Austenland in a minute - and boy do we have to go deep in my completely disturbing brain! Gosh, I must be so messed up to be feeling such things.
Today, when I went into my bedroom I understood for the first time why Molly called it creepy. I'm thirtytwo and my room looks like a fourteen year old's. I need to get rid of all the Austen memorabilia before I can think straight.
I have made a complete fool of myself. Not only spending MY WHOLE SAVINGS on this trip, oh no.
Right now it goes in circles: - You fell for Nobley – You fell for a fictional character – You knew it was wrong – You then choose the real guy – The real guy was fictional – You can't tell the difference anymore, you moron.
And this room it the perfect proof of my inability to see the difference between fiction and reality. Figure that for a NY gal! Don't we have the reputation to be right down to earth?!
I guess I will try the New York approach and dip myself in a little more realism.
Oh, just remembered – I need to go get some groceries… be right back.
J.
NY, June 25th 2013
Dear Diary,
the big apple is a great therapist (I start to wonder why Woody Allen needed all those sessions with his shrink – yeah yeah, I know, don't go there.)
Being honked at three times and yelled at four times just to get my fridge filled, I feel like I have showered in „real life" and when I came back I started to 'deAusten' my room (as Molly has called it) immediately. And it actually felt great - and sad.
Somehow it's like awaking from a haze, and now all this stuff sits right next to the door. I won't throw it away, but put it in my basement. Don't worry, I won't get it up here again. But Jesus, somehow all those things were part of my life the last fifteen years (I know, doesn't make it healthier).
Later I lay on by bed in my new 'grown up' apartment and was scared shitless.
I just feel so incredible empty and ashamed but somehow I have a feeling that's eventually a good sign. Cross my fingers.
My Chinese takeaway is here. Be right back
J.
Hello again,
you know, the silence from your side oft the conversation is a little frustrating – and actually kind of helpful. I think I will wait 'til tomorrow to call Molly, and you and I - ok mostly I- will have a chat about the rest of my Austenland experience.
So let's get started – THE MEN (Oh god, just remembered how I giggled when I talked to Nobley about this - shame.)
Right in to it – Mister Nobley:
I mean, I knew he was a fictional character, but somehow some things still don't make sense.
I mean I had a flutter in my stomach the first time I saw him. He is very attractive handsome and he was „the resident Mr. Darcy". And a perfect one, that is.
I keep telling me, he was playing his part perfectly, but then I start to wonder:
Was giving me the pencils part of his role? - Probably!
Was he sent to 'safe' me with his horse? - Maybe so (btw, that was so romantic).
What about when he tackled me while we were rehearsing for the theatrical? - It must have been only silly me who tingled all over. (He was so near, I could feel his breath on my face and his hand on my knee and smell his soap). But maybe this could be admittedly a little unconventional Mr. Darcy-roleplaying. - Moving on.
Was I really making him nervous? - Probably not (what a great actor he must be, because my stomach fluttered after his confession)
The worst part was his confession at the ball. The great finale and I stood there and was swept off my feet. His words, his face - and he sounded so sincere! My heart was pounding. I was really close to say Yes even though I knew this was my scripted happy end proposal from the brochure. - How pathetic is that? I guess this was the first Life Changer – finally saying NO to the fantasy. But I had to get out and grab something real. Enter Martin...
Boy, what a punch in the face – and the second Life Changer. I can't tell reality from play. I mean, the time with Martin was fun, he was really sweet and funny. It was nice. But I knew he was a fill in. First, because I had no „partner", and then, because I wanted to get away from Mr. Nobley as fast as I could.
Martin played a part and I finally got it. He was sent to the airport to convince me not to do anything about Mr. Wattlesbrook. So what he said at the airport was logical.
But what about Nobley?
Why was he at the airport?
And why did he lecture me about how improper it is to be „cavorting with the servants", when Martin was the one who was scripted for me? That doesn't make sense. Maybe the actors don't know who is scripted for whom? Hmm.
And why did he say that "I never lied to you?" line at the airport? I mean, we both knew he played some part.
And what about "our moment" during the play? I mean, when he said the "I love you" he himself seemed shocked about how that sounded. – Argh, I'm turning in circles and you're not helping.
Just checked the time, it's too late to call Molly but that will be the first thing in the morning. Hopefully she'll be the voice of reason. (Yeah right!)
Goodnight.
J.