The thought struck me...so suddenly...it was undeniable. She would be gone. But she was not gone YET. Three months...I won't be able to see her for three more months...pure torture.
My soul can barely survive the nights without decapitating itself a million times in a myriad of repetitive, novel experiences...Three months is too long a period. I need to at least see her face once. Just once.
I never cry. I cannot cry. I am a man. I must be strong. To cry is to be weak. To be weak is to be a failure. I am not a failure, am I? Yes, I am...so why should she love me at all? What if it's all in my mind? I must talk to her tomorrow...I must at least tell her goodbye...
Goodbye...I hate that word...That stupid, stupid word. There's nothing good about it! Bye refers to a permanent separation between two bodies, a permanent isolation of two minds, and a permanent barrier to ensure such chaos ensues...Why must it be so? I can live if I can see her...I may never get to be with her...it may be so completely false and one-sided...but I still NEED her.
...good...bye...
I walked through the halls and I saw her there, standing by her locker...suddenly she was sitting...suddenly i was sitting...suddenly we were both walking through that infamous hallway; the one time I have her alone to myself for a few moments...those desperate few moments. I turned my head to her and began to speak words that I never knew but were unequivocally honest. Some creed of false-truthhood had finally been broken, and the glue holding my mouth shut was finally undone. It was no longer mindless chatter, trivial prattle over inconsequential matters and provincial means...nor intellectual subjects or global gains...but something so much more innately important...something so much more personal. "Hi..." "Hi..." "Listen, Sam--" "Would you just leave me alone? What don't you get? I'm sorry, but I'm not interested...You're can't keep bugging me forever..." "Oh...well I'm sorry I just wanted to say 'hi'...I don't remember ever implying anything about dating you...I was just trying to be friendly...I never knew there was something wrong with telling someone 'hi.'" "Well--" "I know it'll never work...I know you'll never like me the way I like you...but you don't need to rub it in my face...There's no need for you to rub it in my face...It hurts enough already...Jeez...you act as if liking you is such a crime...well you've probably got a long line of guys trying to garter your attention...you've got your pick...I don't know why I ever thought it would work...I guess...I guess...I guess I just thought 'Why the hell not?' I know I'm not handsome or anything...but Why the hell not? Why the hell not? Why can't I get what I want just this one time? Would that truly be so horrible? Just one time? Just one person to care for me...to support me? Why the hell not? Why the hell not? Why the hell not?" "Because you're you..." "I'm me...and I'm horrible...I'm such a horrible person...Do you realize that I could do horrible things to you, right now? Do you realize what I could do? Do you know that you saved me from suicide? Well it's either them or me...and one casualty seems like a lot less trouble than four thousand...Either way...someone's gotta go...them or me...but not you...I'll never harm you...I'll never lay a hair on you...You don't have to worry about that...I'll make sure to leave your friends mostly alive...I'll make sure to leave your body mostly undamaged and your family intact...I'll make sure that I do no more than brain them till their unconscious...the most I'd do to you would be push you away...You have nothing to fear...It's everyone else...everyone else!" "What!?" "I'm sorry I'm such a jackass...and I'm sorry that I'll never change...Know that it wasn't your fault...know that you deserve happiness...know that you deserve the best life has to offer...know that you killed me...but that it wasn't your fault...know that you are perfect...and don't let anyone tell you differently...goodbye..."
I walked through the halls and I saw her there, standing by her locker...suddenly she was sitting...suddenly i was sitting...suddenly we were both walking through that infamous hallway; the one time I have her alone to myself for a few moments...those desperate few moments. I turned my head to her and began to speak words that I never knew but were unequivocally honest. Some creed of false-truthhood had finally been broken, and the glue holding my mouth shut was finally undone. It was no longer mindless chatter, trivial prattle over inconsequential matters and provincial means...nor intellectual subjects or global gains...but something so much more innately important...something so much more personal. "Hi..." "Hi..." "Well...it's the end of school..." "Yeah, I guess it is..." "I won't get to see you for three months...that's good for you, right?" "Heh..." "I dunno...I just wanted to say goodbye...and to wish you a good summer since I might never see you again..." "You too...but what about next year...we might see each other next year..." "Yeah well...I never saw you till this year...and who knows...three months is a long time...things can change so quickly..." "Yeah I guess...what do you mean by change?" "I dunno...I guess...I might not be around after these months..." "What? Why, are you moving?" "No, I'm not moving...I just might not make it through these months..." "Why, are you sick?" "No, I'm not sick..." "Then...what...are...you saying...exactly?" "I'm saying that three months is a long time...long enough for me to end my life..." "What? Don't do that!" "Why? What do you care?" "I don't want you to do that..." "There's no purpose in life anymore...I have nothing to live for..." "Don't say stuff like that!" "But it's true..." "Look, when I said I wasn't dating right then...I didn't mean it that way! I was interested...I just didn't have the time!" She hugged me. "I don't want your pity...Wait that's a lie...I do want your pity...but I won't let myself accept it...I will not allow myself to make you sad...I will not live a life steeped in even more lies...You're happiness is most important to me..." "But..." "I'm sorry..." A knife to the neck, into the wall...the blood trickled down in tiny rivulets at first...then gushed past the opening in the vertebrae, lingering on the blade's edge until the weight of a single drop became too much and gravity forced it to fall to the ground...the blood seeped into my clothes and permeated my skin...falling from my mouth now...the pressure was building up...my body remained in its position, limp and lifeless, pinned by the cleaver...The blood continued to flow in endless, invisible torrents, hidden beneath my clothes...until at last a puddle formed beneath my feet amongst the tile...then all at once it stopped...like the slow tapering off of a faucet, the blood stopped coming...and gathered at my feet, my ankles turning a dark purple...gravity finally won and my neck began to rip at the seams as my body slumped closer to the floor...but it still clung to by some strange, arcane force...finally after a touch, the body slumped into a heap on the floor into the evil puddle of foreign destructions...of pure bliss...my eyes were open...my mouth was open...forehead still pressed against the wall...my white shoes now red as were my teeth...my head hit the floor and all was lost...all was lost to the boy...all was lost...
I walked through the halls and I saw her there, standing by her locker...suddenly she was sitting...suddenly i was sitting...suddenly we were both walking through that infamous hallway; the one time I have her alone to myself for a few moments...those desperate few moments. I turned my head to her and began to speak words that I never knew but were unequivocally honest. Some creed of false-truthhood had finally been broken, and the glue holding my mouth shut was finally undone. It was no longer mindless chatter, trivial prattle over inconsequential matters and provincial means...nor intellectual subjects or global gains...but something so much more innately important...something so much more personal. "Hi..." "Hi..." "Well...it's the end of school..." "Yeah, I guess it is..." "I won't get to see you for three months...that's good for you, right?" "Heh...not really..." "Oh come on...don't patronize me...I know I annoy the crap out of you...I'm sorry..." "You don't annoy me...I kind of like this time with you..." "Really? Then why'd you say?" "Because I didn't have the time then...but I have the time now...and I really like you too...you're actually pretty handsome..." "Nah...that's not true..." "Why not?" "Cuz I'm not..." "Well, you are to me..." "Really?" "Yeah..." "No one ever says stuff like that to me...not even my mom..." "Awww..." We looked into each others eyes...I pressed her against the wall and kissed her...and she kissed back. I let go...I pulled away after an eternity, riddled with anxiety...She looked at me with eyes of confusion...and hugged me and kissed me again... Then she left...for three months...three months...
I went through the whole day...She was more radiant than ever...somehow even more beautiful than before...Her face shown with this glow and donned a smile I could literally die in.
She never glanced my way...She never said anything to me...I never worked up the guts to talk to her...The pain was too extreme...It just hurt way too much...I only saw her twice that day...outside of class...
Once, talking to her friend...I promised myself I'd catch her at the end of the day...and once at teh end of the day...in that hallway...talking to her friend; the smile she never wore for me, still showing on her face.
I could not deprive her of that smile. I could not work past the pain that created such depression that I could do naught but lie on my desk and frown...for my experienced fake-smile refused to show...and she would not leave my head.
...good...bye...Sam...
author's note:
based on my real last day with the girl...the first part is of my thoughts the day before...the three parts after that were my dreams of how the next day would go that I played through my head while I mowed my neighbor's lawn...and the last was what really happened...
I'm sorry Sam has no quips...but I wanted to keep it more true to my dreams...and what really happened. Even if she is out of character a bit...Either way...I hope you like it.