Well this technically my second piece of fan fiction, It's been lying around on my hard drive for a year or more.
The X-Men do make an appearance.
The rest of them are original characters of mine and have appeared in some round robins that I've participated in and yes I know I've properly copied an idea from somewhere in there.
Disclaimers: all X-Men stuff is Marvel's. Phasers, Starfleet Combat Rations and Soong type androids are Paramount's. Anything else is mine or who ever I borrowed it from.
Rating: R for language, all though here it would be M for language.
Feedback is good, so do it.
The SCR incident.
By WeaselofQ
A convoy of assorted vehicles is travelling along a quiet road in New York State, Westchester County in fact. When the crews' thoughts turn to food.
"Hey, what's to eat?" the driver of the command RV asked.
"Not a clue," The navigator replied.
"I've checked the stores, all we have is combat rations," The XO (Steven) told them.
"What kind, MRE or SCR?" they asked.
"SCR's." Steven replied.
"What the fuck! You mean that's all we got." The person on tactical whined.
"Yep, well whose fault is it that we had to leave New York before we had a chance to restock." Steven said and everyone in the command vehicle turned to face their leader, a Mr. Michael Eastwood, who is sitting in the comfy chair at the center of C&C.
"So I went and did the tourist thing without any bodyguards. It ain't my fault that I got into a fight and pissed off the Avengers and the Fantastic Four." Michael said, now everyone's looking at him strangely, "At least I didn't mean to seriously kick their butt..."
"Yeah, you were making a strategic retreat." a muffled voice interrupted from behind him.
"As I was starting to say before the interruption was: at least I didn't try to fight them. Unlike some people I know who came up with the bright idea of trying to fight them plus the entire NYPD." Michael continued, at the mention of this everyone decided to get back to what they were doing before, "Anyone know what the next town is?" he asked.
"Salem Center," Tracker (their copy of Data) told him.
"Why does that name seem so familiar?" Michael said to no one in particular but while facing Gold 5's console.
"No idea, Bossman," Gold 5 said back.
"I don't care as long as they got a Mickyd's," someone yelled out.
"There better be something open, cause I'll eat Gagh before I'll eat those combat rations." Steven muttered everyone agreed with this statement as the combat rations that they are referring to are not the US army's MRE's, but Starfleet Combat Rations, the most inedible food, since ESM. (Edible structural material -1960's NASA project).
As they pulled into Salem center at midnight, someone called out, "I've a bad feeling about this."
"Thanks a lot, could someone hit that Obi-Wan imposter, thank you." Michael asked before waiting for that person to be found, then continued, "Now listen very carefully, I will say this only once, the orders are: go find food. Command and Trans will be at the local mall's parking lot, which is the going to be the rendezvous point." After he said that the escort vehicles split off and the rest went to the mall.
After a short period of time an annoying trend became obvious.
"What do you mean no food?" Mr. Eastwood said.
"It's what I've told the other guy's, we're out till tomorrow," the manager of the 24 hr supermarket replied.
"But we need it now." He whined.
"Don't blame us we're just as stunned."
Michael stormed off fuming and wanting to leave a 'surprise' for the manager,
"Okay, status check," he barked out to Tracker.
"Yes sir," Tracker replied and took out from a pocket his combination mobile phone and communicator, "All teams report in."
"Red 2, KFC shut."
"Bloody Team Bludge, we should have left them home." Steven said before getting a glare from Michael.
"Green 1, Macdonald's shut."
"Gold 1, White Castle shut too."
"Good, I hate those so-called burgers," Steven commented.
"Alpha leader, 7-11 open, but not much food left."
"Delta leader, the same situation's at the gas station."
"Okay, then we better hurry up and get there. Anybody got any thing else to report?"
"Delta 2, for some reason there's a 24 hr A & N surplus store, strange, non?"
"Sure is, where it located."
"Near the gas station and the 7-11."
***
A short time later at the 7-11.
"I don't believe this!"
"What is it now, Michael?"
"Steven, Most of this so called food is Twinkies."
"So, it's mostly Twinkies and other assorted junk food, I can live with that."
"I REALLY HATE TWINKIES," Mr. Eastwood yelled stunning everyone in the shop, "Is there any reason why there is no 'real food' left in this town?" He growled, Steven backed away from him.
"From the information I could gather, I found out that a group from a local estate went shopping today," Tracker said to him
"And Mr. Tracker, how is that related to the fact that there is no food left in any of the shops?"
"They got more than their usual level of groceries," Tracker replied.
"So, that's a typical grocery shopping experience."
"Not when it involves $1500 worth of food."
"What! And that's for how many?"
"For them that's 2 months worth of food and there's supposed to be around 8 to 10 in residence, but more have been known to visit."
"How does this result in there being no food left in the town?"
"When they buy up big, something strange usually occurs soon afterwards."
"So that means that everyone in the town has decided to stockpile. I suppose that this would be the same in the rest of the region," Michael complained while thinking. {Bloody hell, I need something to eat now.} Upon noticing that the shop still had Twinkies in boxes, something in his mind started working, "Why are there still boxes of Twinkies here?" He asked.
"Some of them come here and get them for midnight snacks," Tracker replied, as this was being said Michael was making a mental list of what was in the store and making a list of things he'll need.
"Oh shit! The boss is going MacGiver on us," Steven called out as Mr. Eastwood began grabbing things off the shelf. He dropped on the counter all the boxes of Twinkies, a box of butane cylinders, a slab each of Jolt and Pepsi Max, a few rolls of scotch and duct tape, a box of English style chocolate, some bags of chocolate covered coffee beans and 3 bags of chips.
"He is going for a hyper trip. Quick someone stop him," Tracker yelled, as Michael was leaving the store with the purchases.
"Too late," Steven said as Michael started stunning them with some blasts from the phaser concealed in his fake arm and then jumped into his personal car and speed off down the road,
"Oh great!" Steven said after he and Tracker woke up. "That's just fucking great. Now he's going to be hyper for the next couple of days with that load he just picked up," Steven pulled out and activated his communicator and said. "Ops to all units: anyone seen Mr. Eastwood?"
"Delta 2, he was just at the A & N store getting something."
"What kind of things?"
"Um...I think it was some tools that his Hummer doesn't have, some lengths of pipe, wire, actuators, and some electronic parts. He also took our entire supply of combat rations."
"Then were did he go?"
"Up the road fast. Like he had the devil chasing him, sir."
"Oh great, by now he could be anywhere. Ops out."
"Maybe, but I think I know where he has gone, and we will not see him till morning." Tracker suggested.
"And why is that, Mr. Tracker?"
"Well that is when his plan is going to be ready."
An hour later, somewhere along Greymalkin lane
Mr. Eastwood's car had been pulled over by the sheriff for speeding and having no number plates.
"Licence and rego please, sir," The deputy asked him.
"Um...I must of left them in my other suit. Ah here it is." He told him before handing over a ID.
"What?! Your name's Boba Fett. What are you doing out here?"
"I'm hunting Gungan's."
"Great, just my luck another joker from that Xavier place."
"I'm not from there. Deputy, just out of curiosity, where is it?"
"It's just over that way," The deputy replied, pointing out a direction, "just on the other side of that forest."
"Why thank you officer. Well that's good to know. Shit, would you look at that!" Michael said as he pointed in another direction away from the squad car.
"What is it?"
"It looks like the biggest fucking UFO, I've ever seen!"
"What are you talking about?" as the deputy turned around, Michael's Hummer emitted a bright light from the underside and rapidly lifted into the air, the light cut out as the car floated over the tree tops before it landed in a near by clearing.
"What the hell? Just my luck, I'm never pulling the graveyard shift in the triangle again." The deputy said as he got back into his cruiser and drove to Harry's to get a drunk as possible. When the police cruiser had pulled away, Michael continued his trip for revenge, parking a short distance from the Xavier mansion and started work on his plan.
***
6 hours later, some location near by the Xavier mansion.
After 6 hours of drinking Jolt, Pepsi Max and eating chocolate, and potato chips, the devices Michael constructed for his plan were complete. The worlds first full automatic spud gun, chambered to take both Twinkies and SCR's, and the worlds first sniper rail spud gun, set up to fire SCR's at supersonic speeds.
By now his staff was beginning to get worried and the residents of the mansion were staring to wake. Henry McCoy after spending all night working in his lab trying to get a Shi'ar radio receiver that they recovered working and was receiving some strange radio traffic.
"Ops to all teams #crackle# any one seen the boss yet? #Pop#, nope but we found a cop at ## trying to get very #screech# so he's ##ing stuff about a Boba Fett hunting Jar Jar #crackle# and a Flying car." Hank turned it off after deciding that it was still not working properly and determined that the signals he received were coming from a local source. The clock on the lab's wall indicated that it was time for breakfast, when he entered the kitchen, he noticed that nothing extremely out of the ordinary was happening
"Professor, has Lilandra supplied any one else on earth with Shi'ar radios?" McCoy asked.
"No why?" Professor Xavier asked and Hank explained what had just happened in the lab.
"It doesn't matter too much; you can fix the radio later. Has anyone seen the New York Times?"
"And the same with the Wall Street journal," Warren asked.
"Nope, I've got the Daily Bugle." Bobby said.
"I've got USA today." Joseph said
"I've got The Washington post here. It must be still outside somewhere, Logan can you get it?"
"Why me, Summers? Why not the icepop?"
"Well, you're going outside soon, aren't you?"
"Okay, I'll try to find it, but if it's up a tree again. That paperboy's gonna to find a mine in his bed."
***
Outside.
{Comeon, comeon, Iknowyourup,Isawsomeofthepapersgoinfinallythedoor'sopening.} Michael thought, while lining up on the front door, when the door opened and Logan stepped outside he got blasted by a couple of Twinkies {Oohh that was fun, right smack on target}.
***
"BOBBY DRAKE YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!" Logan yelled as he stormed back into the house only to find that the scene in the kitchen had not much changed as to when he had left.
"What happened to you?"
"One of Bobby's pranks."
"What, I'd never do that," Bobby said, everyone looked at him. "Well I would, but not with that ammo. Besides I haven't left this room, so how could I have done it?" just as he said that the doorbell rang.
"I'll go check." Sam said when he opened the door the only thing that they found was some sort of biscuit on the porch near the button and got blasted by Twinkies when they stepped outside to investigate.
"The Twinkie monster got you too?"
"Yes, bobby, and they left this behind." Sam said while showing all of them the SCR that he found on the doorstep.
"What is that?" Scott asked when he saw the SCR.
"Going by appearances, it appears that it is a form of emergency food rations, that lasts for a long period of time in storage," Hank said.
"Huh! Hank, you mean it's like the stuff that the White Queen cooks, or the coffee that Moira makes," Bobby asked.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Inedible poison."
"Oh, now I understand that ability that they have for making biological torture devices. No, this foodstuff is not poisonous, it seems that it has a taste akin to chipboard."
Just then the doorbell rang again, and again, and again.
"Don't look at me, I'm not answering that again." Logan said while going to the intercom to check what's at the front door, "'sides no ones there." Logan turned away to get a beer from the fridge and The doorbell rang again, this time it didn't stop. "What the...no one's there. The motion sensor and the camera's don't show any thing."
By now everyone that was still sleeping is up and waiting by the front door.
"Is anyone going to look to see what's going on," Rogue asked.
"I'll do it," Hank said and he opened the door.
{Finally the big blue thing.} Michael thought and Pulled the trigger, {oops wrong button.} as all the guns fired, using all of the sniper rifle ammo and most of the Twinkies. {Well that went well.} As most of the mansion front was covered with the remains of Twinkies and some windows were broken by SCR's but only one Twinkie had hit Hank, who was puzzling over the fact that the doorbell's button had been damaged by a biscuit.
"Would you look at that, it's like a tree that's been hit by a pipe thrown by a tornado."
"That looks more like a bullets from one of Cable's guns."
"Sam's powers of observation are correct, this piece of fit for human consumption substance has performed as a slug for a projectile based device," Hank said as he pulled out the pretty much intact SCR from the remains of the doorbell. "This biscuit was travelling at the speed of sound when it hit the doorbell, but other than the expected projectile and kinetic energy loss mark, its still completely intact."
"Yeah, but look at the rest of the mansion." Kitty said "Its been splattered with Twinkies and some of the windows have been done in by these things." she held a SCR that had a shot through her bedroom window.
"Can anyone see the shooter." Wisdom asked with some annoyance that he couldn't get a decent nights sleep around here.
"Nope and I can't smell them either." Logan responded.
"I can't detect anyone, but there is something out there thinking the words to the Old grey mare, Sweet Home Alabama, and Pretty fly for a white guy."
"What!? all at once, now that person is twisted."
"So, there is someone out there nuttier than Deadpool." Sam and Logan echoed.
"No, they are not nuts, what they are doing some think is a defense again telepaths," Wisdom commented.
"Professor, is that true?"
"Pete is correct it can be a defense against low level telepaths, but against higher levels it wouldn't be very effective, it would just mask their surface thoughts."
By now Michael had noticed that they weren't paying much attention to him and that the ammo supply was beginning to run low. So he decided to go on a full frontal assault and loaded up some Supersoakers he had acquired from somewhere with the remnants of the Jolt and Pepsi Max, and headed of on foot to storm the gates, with some intermittent artillery bombardment of some cans of Spam.
"What on earth?" Scott said as the first can of Spam landed.
"Slim, don't pick that up," Warren called after noticing the strange glow the can had.
"Too late!" Jean said, as the can exploded sending Spam everywhere, mostly all over Scott, causing everyone to laugh.
"Oh...that's...that's...funny!" Bobby burst out in the middle of his laughing fit.
"What's so funny about it?"
"The fact that it got him, and that I've never thought of it before."
"Remy has, but he done it with cigars."
"Hey, look at the gate," Cecilia called out as Michael reached it and tried to open it.
"Don't worry it's locked and he's gone now."
"No, he's not, look over there," Rogue pointed to the scope that was peering over the fence. "He's going to jump it."
"No mundane upworlder can jump that high." Marrow said just as Michael jumped the fence effortlessly with the assistance of an anti-grav unit.
"You were saying tunnel rat."
"That just proved Bishop's point that the fence needs improving."
"Duck" Scott yelled as Michael started firing again, scattering the crowd that had gathered at the door. at that time the car Red 2 was driving had pulled up to the gate.
"Oh fuck. -- Red 2 to Ops."
"Ops here, go ahead T.P."
"We've found the boss, and he's giving this Xavier place a right going over."
"Are you in a position to restrain him?"
"No can do. He's on the grounds at the moment and we're waiting for them to open the gate."
"To hell with that, just get in there and stop him."
"Roger that, Red 2 out," And he activated the viper's flight mode and flew the car over the gates and landed it near the front door as T.P was getting out to ask them what they could do to help, Mr. West showed him a sensor reading of Mr. Eastwood.
"Oh crap! His Q thing's powered up, everyone scatter." T.P yelled out, Michael eye's then began to glow and a bright flash occurred when the after effects of the glow dissipated, everyone that didn't belong there had disappeared, leaving the X-Men looking stunned.
"Does any one have any idea on what just happened?"
"Nope, but at least our visitor are gone."
"They could have at least cleaned the mess up before they left," Scott said as he pointed out the condition the front of the mansion was left in.
"Well, at least it wasn't blown up," Bobby commented, everyone glared at him, "I know, I know don't say that, 'cause someone just might come and do that."
Time unknown, location a park somewhere.
The group ended up landing in a park somewhere with Team Bludge sprawled on the ground near their car, Michael had landed next to his Hummer, Tracker and Steven where just beside the entry door to the C&C RV, the Semi they were escorting was just beside it.
"Oh man, did anyone get that number of that bus," Red 2 asked.
"Nope, but T.P. I wish, I got the number for those babes back there." Red 3 responded.
"Argh I got the number for ya T.P, it was the no.8 tram," Mr. Eastwood said. "Anyone know where we are?"
"Yes sir." Tracker piped up, "we're all currently in New Jersey, just outside Newark."
"Okay, we got a location, how about a time or dimension?"
"We've got the connection to our communication network back," Steven said.
"So we're back home then. -- All teams report status."
"Alpha leader -- we're okay, sir."
"Delta leader -- no problems here, boss."
"Gold 1 -- just stuck up a tree, sir."
"Green 1 -- Viper 3 has gone for a swim, sir!"
"Ops to Alpha: go help Gold. Ops to Delta: go give Green one a hand with Viper 3. Mr. Tracker when they are finished, let's head back to base quick," Michael ordered Steven was about to interrupt him; "I don't care how you do it, just do it. I've had enough running around for the next year, when we get back I'll just lock myself in my office for a bit." He said before climbing in to the front seat of the semi and got its driver to head back to base.
Tracker and Steven got the Command RV underway after they had put the Michael's Hummer back on its trailer.
"The boss sure is stressed ain't he, Westie," T.P said.
"That 'e is T.P, that 'e is. Crap, you know what we forgot to do?"
"What?"
"Visit the Princess bar in Madripoor."
"Fuck, the next time this happens, we gotta take one of the planes with us." T.P. told Westie as they got back in their car and followed the Semi & the command truck out of the park, with the recovered vehicles following soon afterwards.