Disclaimer: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I DON'T OWN NARUTOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I LIKE POPCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!
Warning: This is a crackfic. If you go into this expecting real substance or an actual story, you will be sadly disappointed. This is a crackfic, dammit! What do you want, War and Peace?
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Pink Riding Hood. Except she didn't actually have a pink riding hood. But she had pink hair. Which is like a pink riding hood. And her name was… Helen! Ha! Bet you weren't expecting that! (But her middle name was Sake 'cuz her dad was a drunkard and also since he was a drunkard he couldn't pronounce her middle name so he called her Sakura and it stuck.)
So one fine morning her mom told her to take cookies to her crazy grandmother (or grandfather, it was sort of gender-confused) Orochimaru. She hated her crazy grandthing, but her mom was scaaaaaaaary, so she agreed to do it, hoping to mix her cookies into Naruto's ramen or something, but her mom put a tracker on her, so she couldn't.
On the way to Orochimaru's was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiig forest called the Forest of Death and Lollipops and she started walking through it when she heard a weird noise. It was kind of creepy, but as she turned a corner she saw it was Lee and Kiba making out behind a tree. Oh, so there was one more closet gay in Konoha…
"Get a room!" she shouted, but tripped over Asuma and Neiji, who were tangled in each other's arms on the ground. Her shoelace got caught in Neiji's glorious tresses and she had to hack it out. Leaving Neiji sobbing over the loss of a chunk of his hair, she walked away.
She skipped down the path, humming "Hit me baby one more time," and she didn't see any more gay making out couples, so she was actually having a good time, except she was getting sort of hungry, so she ate all the cookies. She didn't have anything to give to her grandthing now, so she decided to pick it some venus flytraps, except she accidentally picked Zetsu instead and he tried to eat her. Fortunately, Anko was stealing some kids' lunch money nearby and overheard the commotion, so she came running up.
"Zetsu, my love!" she cried. "How DARE you try to kiss another girl the moment my back is turned!" She started attacking him and fortunately Helen Sake Haruno (aka Sakura) was able to make a daring escape.
She was getting pretty weirded out by this point. She thought nothing more strange could happen to her today. But you know when you think that you are just tempting the drunken gods of fate, so something weirder was sure to come.
And come it did, in the form of a green-clad man with wolf ears protruding from his shiny black bowl cut.
"Youthful maiden!" he cried overenthusiasticly, as was Gai's nature (for of course it was him). "Whither dost thou goest?"
"I goest awayest from wherest thou arest," she replied, and tried to make a break for it, but he had erected a force field of youth to prevent her from leaving.
"Hand over thy cookies, so that I make partake of their sweet goodness!" he cried. "I knowest that thy mother gavest thou some for thy grandthing, forsooth, they are mine!" And he lept upon her, but was distraught to find her basket empty.
"Youth hast been betrayed!" he howled as he ran off into the woods and giant lollipops.
She decided it would be adviseable to sprint to Orochimaru's so as to avoid excess weirdness, so she took off as fast as she could in the direction of her grandthing's dreary castle (you thought it would be a cottage, admit it, you did, didn't you?) Unfortunately for her, weirdness was determined to hunt her down.
She was running along the path when she tripped and rolled down a grassy slope. She was about to return to the path, when she heard strange noises coming from a cave that until now had been completely hidden to her. Despite her unnatural desire to stick to normalacy (read: boringness), she was intrigued by the cavern, and approached it cautiously.
Peering inside, she saw Shino, Deidara, Kurenai, and Chouji, in various stages of undress, participating in what (to her innocent eyes) appeared to be some strange ritual…
Creeped out by the odd cave, she quickly retreated to the path, and ran faster this time towards the castle, despite the fact that she no longer had any cookies for her grandthing.
No sooner had the idea that her cookies were gone come to her mind, then she spotted a cookie-tree forest (YES, cookies DO grow on trees, THANK YOU very much). Running into the forest, she began to select cookies from the branches, eating as many as she put in the basket. Suddenly, she lost her footing and fell into a steep-walled ditch.
Wait, not a ditch… A GRAVE!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGWTFBBQ! She had to get out of here!
Suddenly, a rotting corpse with worm-eaten eyes popped from the loose soil she was sitting on and flung her through the air!
Luckily she landed right at the door to the castle.
Yes I do want to finish this story soon (it's 2 in the morning and my friend just fell asleep).
Aaaaaaaaanywhoo, she landed on the doorstep and knocked and went in, and GUESS WHO WAS WAITING FOR HER?
Her grandthing, that's who.
(NO, the wolf DIDN'T come back. Why? Because he had to go be youthful and Shakespearian, that's why.)
And she and her creepy grandthing had tea and cookies and then she went home.
And everyone lived happily-ish ever after.
The end.
I know it wasn't really Naruto-ish. Whatever. There were Naruto characters in it. And no, just 'cuz there's a couple in here doesn't mean I support them. I drew names from a hat, actually.