Any character here is not my property. They came from Sailormoon by Naoko Takeuchi. I'm using Haruka's and Michiru's Japanese names because I want it that way. It sounds better for me.
A Change to Manhood for Love
Chapter 1
As I walk downtown searching for myself, I felt an empty space in my heart. I felt that there's this certain space that cannot be filled by anyone in my life now. Not even Michiru who has always been there for me. I must admit that Hotaru has always been giving me joy whenever she calls me papa. But…
I felt sad as I see a loving couple passed my way. I don't know but maybe I want to be taken care of and to take care of somebody I love. Maybe I'm searching for… for something I-I do not know.
"Hi Haruka!" a sweet voice stopped my thoughts for a while.
"Hi, anything I can do for you?" I said as I look around for any of her childish companions.
"Actually none but I'm thinking of inviting you to a cafeteria nearby. Can you come with me?" Serena tagged my arms to a cafeteria before I could reply.
We had a wonderful time together. Laughing and chatting around with Serena just takes my mind away from my problems. I'm not a usual chatter or even used to laugh around and show everyone how happy I feel, but not this time. This time I feel that I don't have to hide my emotions, she's only one of the very few people who can make me laugh at shallow ideas. I hope the time we're together will never end.
After we take some coffee, I invited her to take a walk around the park. For a while, we both stayed quiet. I don't know what she's thinking. What I know is I'm thinking and hoping that our time together will never come to an end. I feel great with her. I felt this kind of sensation that brought me up into the heavens whenever I laugh with her.
"You have any problems, don't you?" the ice has finally broken. The question brought my problems back to my nerves. I suddenly got confused if I'm going to tell it to her or not.
"C'mon tell me Haruka. Maybe I can help you." Her sweet voice is totally irresistible. Should I tell her?
"I don't know how to tell you this, " we took an empty bench that overlook the sunset. "I'm feeling an empty space in my heart." I'm not sure if I said it clearly and if she understands but… I hope she does.
"An empty space." She muttered under her breath.
"I felt that there's this certain space that needs to be filled. I don't know what this is, and I'm getting confused." Getting back to problems is not easy, especially with a girl listening. I want to cry and pour out my confusion and sadness.
"I understand." Her thoughtful eyes met mine." Somewhat I'm feeling that way too. I have a lot of friends. I have a boyfriend that's destined to be my husband in the future. I have a child that came here from the future to be with me. But I'm still wanting something."
Serena's eyes turned sad for a while.
"Have you figured out what's that something that you're wanting?" I asked like a child eager to know the answers to her questions.
"Love." Her answer faded as the wind carried it with the autumn leaves.
"Love?" the answer was clear but an interrogative statement came out of my mouth.
"Yes, love. I have friends, a rather cold boyfriend, a from-the-future-daughter, but they don't seem to complete my heart with love and joy, especially with Darien that doesn't have his time to take care of me. He doesn't have the time to be with me, to share with my joys and sadness." Serena sighed " Sometimes I'm thinking that he is just keeping our relationship for the sake of Rini or for some reasons aside from love. Yes, I love him but I still want something. My love and his love seem incomplete."
As I listen to her story, I felt having sympathy and at the same time, jealousy. Sympathy for her that she's not getting the love she deserves. She deserves a sincere and loyal heart. Jealousy, I'm jealous that she knows what her empty space needs.
Love, yes that's it! Love, a love beyond brotherhood, a love beyond friendship.
"Thank you Serena, thank you for the answer. Thank you for your understanding." She looked confused. She may not understand how happy I am in finding the answers to my questions. I feel great. I feel that a great burden was taken from my shoulders by a sudden wave of love.
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Chapter 2
As the sun sets by the horizon, I felt love deep within me. I can't tell whom this love is for or if this love was given to me by some kind of a sacred sensation. But I can tell that this is love and it is starting to fill my empty heart.
"Haruka? Is there any problem?" Serena stared at me like I just acted like a fool.
"No, I have no problem. In fact, I'm feeling great! I feel like heaven!" I may not know it but I actually carried Serena in my arms and swung her into the air. I feel great!
"Haruka wait! Put me down!" Serena laughed and joined me in my happiness. I gently put her down without taking my arms around her beautiful, slender body.
"I love you." I said in happiness and love that I'm feeling in my heart.
There was a sudden wave of silence that surrounded the world around us. I could see in her eyes the sudden change in emotion that turned into sadness. I felt that I want to make her happy and as I bent to kiss her, she gently pushed me away from her body.
"See you next time." She turned and ran away with the same sad emotion in her eyes. What could be wrong?
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"Where have you been? I've been worrying about you." Michiru's worried face greeted me as she opened the door.
Michiru's always been a buddy for me. A lot of people sometimes thought that we have a relationship. Yes, maybe and that's a friendly relationship. That's it, no more, no less. We used to have separate rooms until the arrival of baby Hotaru, who can't seem to live without seeing both of us.
"I prepared dinner for you. It's right on the table." Michiru carried Hotaru to put her to sleep. I feel relaxed whenever I see Michiru with baby Hotaru. She seems like a mother caring for her baby. How I wish I have a family of my own.
After dinner, I couldn't think of anything else to do. I thought of what happened in the park.
"What could be wrong?" I asked myself as I remember Serena say her goodbye with sadness in her eyes.
"Baka, baka, baka!" I suddenly shouted at myself. I remember her sad eyes when I said I love you to her. What have I done?! I knew in my heart that I meant what I said. But I shouldn't have told her.
I felt heat race through my blood up to my head. I felt my throat dry up and my head became heavier.
"Haruka? Aren't you feeling well?" I heard somebody ask me. I couldn't see who it was as my vision faded black. I felt my body collapsed on somebody's arms. Michiru maybe. After that, even my mind consciousness faded.
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What happened?
I ask myself as I realize myself lying in my bed. I felt my head ache as I turn it to see Michiru sleeping by my bedside. For the first time in my life I realized the hardships and sacrifices Michiru gave me from the time that we're together here in one roof and even when we're still independent. She has done me a great deal as senshi and as a friend. As I stare at her sweet refined face, I realize that I have been taking her for granted. I am not even thanking her. Does she deserve my love? I don't know but maybe my love can pay her all the gratitude.Chapter 3
As I saw her eyes slowly open, I saw a deep expression of concern in her eyes.
"Are you feeling okay now?" she said with full concern. I can't say that I'm really okay but I managed to reach out my hand to touch hers.
"Thank you." I don't think it sounded good but I'm sure that I said that sincerely. For the first time in my life I said those simple words to her. I saw a confused expression in her face.
"What do you mean?" she asked with the same confused expression.
"I just thought of those things that you did to me. And I am so grateful to have you in my life." I said.
She smiled sweetly and squeezed my hand. "That's okay, thank you. By the way, I want to let you know that you have a fever. I will go out with baby Hotaru to buy your medicine and buy some groceries. Don't go out or even try to stand up, okay?" Michiru got her coat and went out with baby Hotaru.
Fever's right. My head throbbed in dizziness.
The silence in my room is deafening. I miss Hotaru's babbles and the way she calls me papa. I wish Michiru left her with me to play or at least to see her innocent face sleep in peace.
Hours have past and I'm feeling lonely. After sometime, I heard the door open. "Michiru? Is that you?" I heard no answer but I can hear footsteps nearing my bedroom door.
"Sorry if I came in without knocking. Michiru told me you're sick so I don't want you to waste you're energy opening the door for me." So it's Serena. I don't expect her to come and see me here. "Michiru asked me to look after you while she buys some groceries." So it's Michiru who sent her here. At least I'm happy that she accepted her request.
"So you're not angry anymore, aren't you?" I anxiously asked her. I'm not sure if I said it right but that's the best question I can think of to start our conversation.
"Oh please, let's not talk about it now. I'm here to help you out with things around here and not to talk…" I held her hand tightly
"Please Serena, let me talk about it. I couldn't think about anything except your sad eyes when you left me in the park. Please say that you're not angry, please." I held her hand tighter. I wish she'd tell she's not angry and allow me to love her, for the rest of my life.
"No, please stop it." She shoves my hand away from hers. "I must admit that I love you but…" she stopped with her eyes filled with tears.
"But what Serena, I love you and you said that you love me too. What could go wrong? We could be happy, for the rest of our lives." My eyes are also filled with tears. I don't understand why she wouldn't let me love her.
"Don't you understand Haruka? Look at you!" she raised her voice "Don't you see that we're the same? Don't you realize that we're of the same sex?!" she let her tears flow down her cheeks. Yes, I forgot that factor because of my deep love for her.
"But we both love each other. That won't be a problem, we'll be happy."
"You don't understand. How can you be happy without our own children? We can't be together! You can't let that love grow deeper Haruka, you can't!" she went out of my room sobbing those painful words that deeply stabbed my heart. I couldn't believe the words she said. I let out the tears in my eyes flow. I know it's wrong but I can't let this feeling stop. It grew deeper even before I knew it. It filled my empty heart in less that three days and I just can't let it stop.
I heard the door open again. Serena? I hope that she returned and say that she didn't mean what she said. To my disappointment, I saw Michiru enter my room with the same concerned eyes before she left me in this lonely room.
"What happened? I sent Serena to take care of you but it looks like that you're hurt than ever." She said, while checking on my temperature. I dried my tears and tried to show her I'm okay, but I guess that's too late. She knew me well inside- out.
"Don't worry, I'm okay. Serena left a few minutes ago." I tucked myself under my blanket. I hope that that will convince her that everything was okay.
"I know you're not okay, physically and emotionally. But if you like I'll leave you alone to give you time to think, if that's what you want." She went out of the room with a smile of concern. Yeah, she knew me right. She seems good at reading my mind and that's what I best like with her. She knew what I exactly want.
I hardly slept that night but luckily I was able to sleep and recover after two days, thanks for Michiru's nursing. Now I'll be able to face Serena and talk things over. I jumped into my wardrobe and went out even before Michiru woke up. I don't want her to stop me in my today's plans. I just left a note saying that I'll be out for a while and promised that I'll not tire myself too much so she'll not be worried and went out looking for me.
I went downtown to look for her but I found her nowhere. I went to her house and to her friends' house but they all said the same answer, I don't know. I almost lost the hope of finding her that day. After lunch, I went down the park to think and breathe myself out from the exhausting day I had. After some time of thinking and feeling the cold breeze of autumn air, I noticed two lovers cheering and sounded like they're happy with each other's company.
I wish Serena and I are as happy as they are. As I stare at them carefully, I noticed that they look familiar. I walk towards them to see if they are someone that I knew. I almost cried when I saw the two of them are really person that I know. I can't be mistaken with those blonde odangos. They are Serena and Darien happily dating together.
My world has almost gone down as their laughter continuously reaching my ears. No, Serena can't do this to me. She loves me and she said that in tears. She meant what she said but….
My feet carried me to their place. I don't know but maybe, out of love, my hands moved and punched Darien right on his face. "Remember this…" my tears flow "SERENA'S MINE!" I saw Serena's mortified face when I said those words. I don't know how to explain my violent act and I thought that expressing that feeling could do it.
I felt a sudden punch hit my face too. "I know you're a girl, but if it concerns Serena I could do anything." I well knew it that Darien is as cold as ice when it turns to Serena and I don't expect his love to be as deep as this.
"Stop that you two!" Serena said, "Leave us alone Haruka." The words hurt me than ever. As I saw them walk away, I felt my heart sink with hopelessness. Maybe I just have to accept my defeat. Maybe she only played with my heart when she said that she love me. I have to accept, I have to accept. But could I?
Chapter 4
~Serena~
I'm almost afraid that Darien is angry about what Haruka had said. I didn't expect him to be jealous and punch Haruka that way besides the fact that Haruka is a girl. It's pretty funny to think that there's a love behind all the coldness that he showed me.
We didn't talk the rest of the way home. I'm afraid he's really angry with Haruka or maybe with me. We arrived at my house and he gave me that same cold kiss he used to give me. He didn't even care to look back to see me.
I went up in my room with deep thoughts. Do I love Darien? Or I love Haruka more than he? I really couldn't explain my feelings. Darien is cold and sometimes he doesn't even care about my problems and me, while Haruka is very sweet and thoughtful. I can even remember those days when she used to save me from monsters because of my clumsiness. I know this is forbidden love for Haruka, she's a girl. But I also love Darien. I don't know my feelings. I love them both and I don't want anyone of them to be hurt. Maybe I just need a little more time.
Three days after the incident, either one of them hadn't talked to me or see me. Are they both angry with me? I now know whom I love. I love Haruka more than ever. But as I've said to her, we couldn't be together. We're of the same sex and that's beyond the law. But is there really something as law of love?
I heard a strong knock on the door downstairs. Whoever it is seems to be in a hurry. I went downstairs and opened the door. It is Michiru. I wonder why she is in a hurry. Her face looks like she's worried over something— or someone.
"What's up?" I asked
"Is Haruka there?" she said with a worried tone. It seems like Haruka is her long lost child. "She haven't returned to our apartment since she left for a walk." She showed me a note from Haruka before she left. It's dated three days before! Could she be hurt by the words I told her? No matter what, I have to find her.
I raced out of the house without answering Michiru. Hope she understand. I walk downtown in search for Haruka anywhere. I don't know where to find her first. I'm worried myself. If something happened to her, I will be the first one to blame.
I heard my brooch beeped. "What's up?" I asked whoever is on the line.
"Serena, it's an emergency! Come immediately or else a lot of people will be in danger." I recognized it was Mina. She sounded serious. I guess I have to save those people first before I look for Haruka.
I transformed into my sailor suit and headed for the site of danger. Mina is right, the place is destroyed completely. The other sailor scouts are trying their best to fight but they were already weak. I tried to do my very best to fight but I think my clumsiness is really a problem. Besides, my mind can't focus to the fight. My mind kept coming back and thinking of where I could find Haruka. And speaking of her, I wish she is here to save me from this powerful creep.
I know I'm clumsy but this youma is powerful. I really need some help. The other sailor scouts are too weak to fight and tuxedo mask is not here. I heard the youma shouted something magical and a powerful force came out of his palm. I could see and feel its force; it's so powerful I can't think straight. I felt panic ran through my blood. I don't know what to do! I shielded myself as the force neared me as if it could protect me in any way.
After a while, the force didn't come to hurt me. I opened my eyes to see what happened. I am surprised and at the same time shocked of what I saw. I saw Haruka blocked the powerful force to protect me. I'm not happy, I'm more afraid than sad. She blocked the force as Haruka and not as Sailor Uranus! I knew it well that the force is so powerful, it could kill her.
Haruka let out a cry, a cry of pain and angst. The brightness of the force blinded me and I don't know what happened. When the brightness faded, I saw Haruka's body lay flat on the ground. Blood flowed from her nose and mouth. No, it couldn't be. Could she be…? Tears flowed from my eyes. I stare at her lifeless body. So pale and so…. I stared at the cold-blooded monster. "You killed her. I won't forgive you!" I brought out my scepter and finished off the monster with nothing but hate in my heart.
*The other sailor scouts felt sympathy as they see her tears flow. They saw her cry beside the lifeless body of her love one. "Why do you have to die when I learned that you are the one I love?" they heard the crying princess said.
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Sorry for putting up a goddess here in the next chapter. It's just because I can't think of anyone else...^_^
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Chapter 5
~Haruka~
"Where am I?" I asked myself as I look around me. Nothing but white and fog can be seen all over the place. "Am I dead?" I remember I blocked the powerful force that could kill Sailor Moon. Maybe I'm killed with that force. But where am I?
I walked around the place and thought of my life when I'm still alive. Wherever I am, I'll stay here. I don't want to go back to my life. I don't like to feel again the pain of not loving the girl I love so much. I heard someone walk behind me. "Who's that?"
"Don't be afraid. I will not hurt you." A beautiful lady, in white, silken dress smiled at me. "I'm the goddess Aphrodite. I witnessed how you came to this place." She walks closer as she talked. So she's the goddess Aphrodite, she's really beautiful and divine. But I still miss Serena.
"Your death is accidental and I knew it well that you did it out of love for the girl." So it's true that I'm already dead. "Your intentions is good, so you're not qualified to be dead yet."
"What! What do you mean I'm not qualified? I love it here, I don't want to live again." I don't know there's something like qualification to be dead. But I don't want to live again without Serena.
"I know you love that girl so much and you can't be together because you're a girl. If you like, I can give you a wish. Wish whatever you like and live happily." I felt very glad to here that I'm given a wish!
"Are you sure you're not kidding? I can wish whatever I want?" I asked hoping that the goddess will not be annoyed with my questioning.
"I'm sure of that, don't worry."
"Make me a man! A man so I could be with Serena forever!" I'm too overwhelmed with joy even though I'm not receiving my wish yet.
"That's what I thought you'd wish for." The goddess smiled. "Close your eyes and be happy." I followed what she said. I felt lightness of my body for a while. Then I felt some changes happening. Maybe the magic's working!
Chapter 6
~Serena~
I can't accept her death. I'm to blame; I'm very clumsy. I wish I'm not clumsy. I wish I were brave enough to fight that cold-blooded monster. That way she doesn't have to sacrifice her life just to save me.
We are now at her apartment. Michiru is always calm besides the fact that she loved Haruka like her own sister. We laid her body on her bed. I don't want to lose hope that she will come back and live again happily with us. Everyone is silent. Even Hotaru's crying doesn't seem to irritate all of us. Instead, she is a great help of breaking the silence in the room.
"It's all my fault. I should have killed that monster before she saved me." I cried and began to bang my head on the floor. "It's all my fault, it's all my fault. What kind of a sailor scout am I? Why does someone has to die because of my clumsiness and stupidity?" I felt my friends try to stop me from banging my head on the floor. I couldn't stop. My body moves automatically while banging my head. It wouldn't stop; it felt more like good than hurt.
"Stop it Serena, you're not to blame. She did it for love. I'm sure she's contented with what she did." Rei firmly said as if she is starting to open an argument again.
I looked at her and saw at her eyes that she's concerned at the same time firm. Behind her is Haruka's room and I noticed an electric blue light glow from inside the room. "Haruka?" I rushed in her to check what's happening. And I was surprised at what I saw!
~Haruka~
I opened my eyes and looked around me. I realize I am in my room. Wow! I really did live. I am almost afraid that my wish didn't come true or it was all a dream, or maybe I am more than afraid to discover than I am in the different sex already. I thought that a lot of changes would occur. I don't have a problem in most of my clothes. Most of them are for men, except for my underwear. I think I wouldn't have a problem with manly feelings. I always do man work and felt like a man since birth. Maybe I wouldn't have any problems after all!
"Haruka you're alive!" I realize it was Serena's voice. She hugged me even before I could see her face. She kept on uttering words I couldn't understand. After a while, she stopped and looked at me strangely.
"Can you explain the loss of your breasts?" I tried to hold my laughter at her question but I can't seem to do it. I burst out in laughter; I can hardly breath.
"What's so funny?" I almost can see their faces stare at me strangely as if I'm an alien from another planet.
I paused between my laughter and told them the whole story. I laughed more when I saw their faces not blinking as they listen to my unbelievable story. It's not long before I heard them join me in my laughter.
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"I worried so much, I thought you'd leave me forever." Serena turned serious. I could see in her expression that she really worried about me. I gestured the other girls to go out of the room. I want matters to be discussed only between the two of us.
"Serena now I am a man now, will you accept my love?"
"Of course I do accept Haruka."
"I love you Serena!" again my heart's overwhelmed with joy. I hugged her tight. "I promise I'll do anything for you."
I felt that she pushed me back. "Can you wait 'till I graduate college, before I answer yes?"
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Author's Notes: If you think that the whole point of the problem here is Haruka's being a girl, I want you to know that Serena is confused, just the same, between Darien and Haruka. Well, I want to thank you for reading this fic. Thanks for the patience ^_^!
ANY comments are acceptable. E-mail me at kourin_ph@yahoo.com
If you like, you can write your e-mail ad so I can reply in to your reviews. PLEASE REVIEW.
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