Disclaimer: Ron and Hermione belong to JK Rowling.
Based on this prompt: "Things you said over the phone" by lilloury on tumblr.
Beta'ed by the lovely TheRandomMooshroom.
In case of emergencies
"Ok, there you go."
Hermione holds her hand towards Ron, the cellphone in her palm. Ron looks at it and narrows his eyes.
"So yeah, is this absolutely necessary?"
Hermione looks to the sky in a silent plea to give her the strength to not kill him. Because, come on! It's the fourth time he's asked this question. But, the kid will probably want to know its father, so she kind of has to let him live.
"Sweetheart," she says with a sigh. "I love you, but don't test me."
He takes the phone with a mumble.
"So, how does this work?"
"You hit this button. There, until the screen lights up. You have to enter the password to turn your phone on. It's your birthdate, easy to remember: one, three, eight, zero. Then you hit enter -this key here- and there you go! You now have access to everything on your phone. How great is that?" she adds, with exaggerated enthusiasm.
When she raises her head, Ron is glowering at her and she quickly lowers her eyes to the phone again.
"Ok then, to call me you have this little book here; you select it. To select stuff, you press this key, and it highlight the items on the screen, see? Then you hit enter. Ok, so here are all your contacts. I put in some numbers, but you can add more. I'll show you later. You see my name? You select it, like I showed you, and then you press the green phone key. Green is to begin a call, red to end it."
In her bag, Hermione's phone starts ringing. She takes it out with a big smile, shows it to Ron as his name appears on the screen, and presses the green key. She puts the phone to her ear.
"Hi!"
Ron looks at her, his phone still in his hand in front of him, an uncertain look on his face. Hermione turns around so that she is facing the street, with Ron behind her. She places her free hand on her other ear, as if to better hear the person on her phone.
"Hello? Ron?"
Ron hesitates a few seconds, then slowly puts his own phone on one ear and his hand on the other, imitating Hermione.
"Hello? Are you there?" he hears her say, in a clear voice through the device. "Ron?"
"Yeah, yeah," he mutters.
"Oh! Good! Hi!"
"…Hi?"
"Everything OK?"
She's still turned, her back to him, and he rolls his eyes.
"Everything's fine," he answers, with a tone that clearly shows whatever little game his wife is playing, he doesn't especially want to be a part of it.
She suddenly starts walking down the sidewalk, but he doesn't move, keeping his eyes on her.
"What? I'm sorry, the reception must be bad, I can't really hear you."
"Well, I hear you well enough…"
"Ah, then you have to talk a bit louder, honey, because I'm on the street here, and there are many people around me."
Ron looks at her, a few meters away now, still turned around. He wants her to look at him just so he can send her a death glare. He really hates this phone thing.
"Yeah, well, Patronuses don't need reception or whatever…"
"Yes, but you can't send a Patronus in the middle of the street, now can you? What if I go into labour in a muggle store? Or when I'm at a neighbor's house? We spend half our time surrounded by muggles, baby, and you know it. You also know the phone is the best solution, so please stop arguing, you agreed to it days ago."
"Because you made me!"
"You know I'm right."
The thing is, he knows perfectly well she is right. He still can't help being reluctant to use this muggle technology though. This is too weird, and way too complicated. Plus, the fact that it looks too much like some kind of magic freaks him out. Muggle stuff shouldn't be magic.
So he doesn't say anything, and he knows ten meters down the sidewalk, Hermione has that smile she wears when she wins little arguments. He shoots glares to her back – surely she can feel it the same way he feels her smile.
"So," she says. "Why were you calling again?"
"What?"
"You called me."
"No, I didn't, it's you who–"
"I'm pretty sure it's my phone that started ringing. Well, did you have something you wanted to say?"
"Uh… No…"
"Oh, come on! You're losing my valuable time, Ron. There is someone here with me waiting for me to show him how to text people."
Ron huffs a short laugh.
"Really? Who is that?"
"Mmh, some guy I met this morning."
"This morning? You were at home this morning."
"Yes, I was. I got up and he was in the kitchen making tea."
"Ah, the famous tea guy. Helps himself into houses to make tea for beautiful women."
"Ooh, so this is the famous tea guy?"
"Sounds like it."
He still has his eyes fixed on her back and can see her shake her head. Then, finally, she turns around and looks at him with a bright smile.
"Did you say 'beautiful women'?"
"Sure did. He has really good taste. Actually likes them with messy brown hair and sleepy brown eyes and red cheeks with pillow marks still on them."
"And a big belly?"
"Big bellies are a big plus."
"Good then. I guess he was at the right place."
"Oh, he definitely was. But you know what?"
"What?"
She is smiling so big her muscles must be hurting.
"He will have to wait till I'm not around, cause you're mine, baby, and I'm not sharing."
She burst out laughing with her head falling backwards. It makes him smile from ear to ear, too.
"Oh my god, you did not just say that!" she exclaims. "Is it the best you can come up with? This is so lame!"
"Come on! I just said you were beautiful!"
She calms down and her eyes find his again.
"Yes, you did," she says in a soft tone.
There is a silence during which they keep looking at each other, then Hermione turns again and continues walking.
"So," Ron says, still not moving. "This phone guy. The famous tea guy."
"Mhm…"
"How is he?"
There is a silence. Ron can see Hermione stop. There are many people between them, and he has to shuffle a bit to be able to catch her. She turns her head slightly and he sees her profile. She puts her free hand on her mouth, pensively. She looks at him briefly, then says in a hesitant tone:
"I don't… I don't know what to say. Is it ok if I say that he isn't as hot as you, and I want to ditch him to go home and make love to you right now?"
He opens him mouth, and closes it, and does it again, until he says:
"I have absolutely no idea. The hot part, I mean, the rest I totally agree with. But the hot part, I don't know. It's flattering and not at the same time."
"Yeah, I know. I definitely can't say he's hotter than you, though. Can I say that you are equally hot?"
"That… uh… I don't know. No, I guess? Nobody is as hot as me."
"Not even famous tea guy?"
He thinks about it. Then instantly feels absolutely ridiculous for thinking about it. What kind of game is this anyways?
He lowers his phone, stays there for three seconds, and then starts walking towards Hermione. Still facing the street, she doesn't see him and starts a little when he puts an arm around her shoulders. He takes her phone and presses the red key, then puts both phones in her purse.
"Come on, beautiful woman, we have love to make."
She happily doesn't resist when he drags her to the nearest bus stop.