Helloooooo!
Me again, and first off Sin is not coming to an end soon, but I had to post this awesome idea!
This is sort of like a special request from an awesome Lady named svugirl25. She had the most amazing idea & requested I write it, so here goes.
Thanks to the regulars and Kelly2727, as always you guys are awesome! Welcome to the newbies!
Special thanks to svugirl25 for sharing & allowing me to do this!
Disclaimer: Nope not mine, not even the song, or the awesome idea, that was svugirl25. All mistakes are mine though!
Chapter 1-
When Your Heartbeat Walks Away
The drive home was spent with her wondering endlessly.
The street lights whirled passed overhead, as the car's headlights lit up the highways tarmac as her and her partner were carried away from a life they had treated as their own for the last six months.
She spent the forty-five minute drive wondering how life would be when she finally made it home, and only allowed herself these thoughts now because they was wrapped up in the safety of a car moving away from the danger they had let consume their lives for their time away.
She wondered how Traci and Leo were doing; her act of running out on them when they needed her the most was still borderline unforgivable.
She reflected over thoughts of Dov and Chris and let her mind harbor the possibility that she might not see Chris when she got back to Toronto. He might have decided to go after Denise and start the proper family that they all deserved. And for a kid as cute as his, who wouldn't?
Her mind spun over Gail, as she glanced over at Nick, who looked as nervous as she felt.
Nick hadn't quite forgiven himself for running out on Gail again. Leaving her at the altar was one thing, but now that they were older and wiser, leaving her when she really needed him when her badge was on the line, that was a completely different story.
He had admitted to Andy that he was running partly because he was scared, scared that Gail wouldn't hang around if she lost her badge, scared that she would break his heart now that he was ready to admit that he was really and truly in love with her, and he was scared that she didn't and would never feel the same about him as he felt about her.
When she saw the road signs that read Toronto city limits, panic welled inside her and fear crashed through her as one daunting thought invaded her mind.
Sam.
Going home meant that she would have to face him and the repercussions of his words and her actions from the last time they saw each other.
As the memories flashed through her mind, sadness creeped its way into her heart.
She knew that life with Sam was unpredictable, it was like a roller coaster ride, but after he told her those three little words, the three little words she had been yearning to hear, she walked away. But, she had her reasons, and maybe one day she would share them with him so that he would understand.
However, between now and that point in time, she knew that there would be a whole bunch of uphill's, because that was just the way that Sam was.
She knew he would probably hate her and hold a few grudges or a large amount of resentment towards her, but she wouldn't blame him if he did, he deserved that right. And she deserved to be blamed.
She had made peace with that fact a long time ago, and she had accepted that when this moment came, she would have to face him not knowing how things would play out. She would come home and the only thing she was sure about is the uncertainty that she would find.
She chanced a quick glance at Nick, who seemed immune to the fact that they were now driving through Fifteen's patrol area. He just sort of stared out the windscreen, his face void of anything.
"You ready to do this?" Her voice carried out sounding mousy, though it seemed to do what she meant it to do, as it drew Nick's attention and he turned to face her.
"No." He managed a weak smile, something she was used to seeing him wear whenever they talked about going home or Gail.
"She's changed you know, since Vegas. Trust me, if she let you in, it'll still be there". Great, she was trying to give him hope when she wasn't even sure if Gail was still at Fifteen or even in Toronto.
"I know. You decided what you're going to do yet?"
She shook her head and looked out the window. What was she supposed to do? Sam told her he loved her, and she told him she didn't care anymore. He told her he'd do everything until she said yes, and she just walked away. He asked for her to let him in long enough to have a drink with him, but she left town without a word or a second look back-and never showed up.
She really had no idea what she was supposed to do, even what she wanted to do, simply because she didn't even know how she felt anymore. Or how he would feel now that she was back. If he felt anything anymore.
Sam wasn't the kind of guy that just walks up to you and says 'I love you'; he wasn't the kind of guy to put any of his feelings into words, and when he did and you left him hanging, he really wasn't the kind of guy to forgive and forget.
"I think he'll be waiting for you; he waited two years for you Andy, six months apart isn't nearly as bad as having to watch you with someone else". That was just like Nick, always seeing the positive side of something, as long as it was someone else's "something" and not his own. But he didn't know Sam.
After Jerry died, she didn't even know Sam anymore.
"I'm not counting on it," she whispered, as a flash of lights caught her attention. Looking out of the window, her breath hitched as she saw the familiar sign marking the wall. It read Fifteen Division, and it signaled the start of the rest of their lives... and their return home.
Their handler Brian, pulled the car up to the door and hit the brakes turning to face them, with a smile.
He never really spoke, ever, he was just always there.
Nick climbed out of the car and grabbed their bags before they said goodbye. They watched as Brian drove out of the parking lot, leaving them there alone in silence, the darkness hiding them from anyone who happened to glance in their direction.
Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the door, squeezing it gently and reassuringly, before letting it go and opening the door.
Once inside, the familiar sounds and smells of her second home enveloped her enough to make her stop for a split second and take it all in.
The longing she had felt since she left abruptly disappeared, as it suddenly became a reality to actually be home.
They had no idea who was on what shift, and they were returning blind, but still, it was a welcome feeling.
Stepping into the hallway that would lead them to the center of the barn, Andy felt her stomach tie up into a knot, her heart hammering so fast in her chest that it nearly drowned out all other sounds, as its thundering rhythm pattered loudly in her ears.
"Andy? Andy!" The familiar screech of her name made her freeze and spin around in the direction it came from, just in time for her to see Traci come running towards her seconds before she was bombarded with warmth from Traci enveloping her in the tightest hug she had ever been given.
How she had missed this... missed Traci and the sense of security she seemed to wrap around her.
Traci clung to her as she clung back; the warmth she felt was so consuming that she had the sudden urge to let her threatening tears break free.
How she survived six months of her life without this, she would never know, but having it back was the best feeling ever.
"Don't ever do that to me again," Traci whispered in her ear, making her feel more guilt than she already did.
Traci pulled away, holding her at arm's length. She found more words to fill the air between them, while her eyes roamed over Andy, taking every inch of her appearance in "So, how was it?"
"Good, but it's better to be home". She smiled at Traci, her fear about their friendship being over subsiding. How had she ever let those thoughts run through her mind? Sure Traci would be pissed, but she wouldn't abandon their friendship because Andy needed to escape.
"I'm so glad you guys are back". Movement behind Traci caught Andy's eyes. She looked up just in time to see Gail come to a stammering halt, before she turned around and walked away, passing through the collection of people that had formed to watch their return.
In less than three seconds, Nick had dumped their bags on the floor, in the middle of the hallway, and walked after her. Her name escaped his lips in agony as he called out in vain.
Traci took her by the hand and walked over to their bags; she picked one up and handed it to Andy, grabbing the other and walking towards Frank's office.
"Leo has been asking about you every day".
"Seriously? How is he?"
"Big, and smart. You owe him pizza and a movie night". Traci giggled the last part out, knowing Andy would in no way mind her making promises on her behalf.
"He's good, he's really, really good".
Andy felt so bad for leaving them when they needed her the most, but she knew Traci would understand. They'd just have to have a talk about it somewhere down the line.
Halfway down the hall, Andy's eyes focused on the person coming towards them. Her strong facade suddenly fading as adrenaline surged through her, and her heart gave up any attempt to keep beating.
He sensed their presence and looked up from the papers he was intently reading, his gaze meeting Andy's, while his feet stuttered and stopped. His gaze held hers for a full twenty seconds. He stood motionless, his face void of any emotion, any thought or any indication of how he felt at seeing her.
Traci's voice sounded somewhere in the background, but Andy's full attention seemed focused on Sam. He stood a few feet away, staring at her,her own feet seemed to suddenly find themselves planted firmly to the spot.
Sam blinked rapidly, almost like he was expecting her to evaporate from his line of vision. He dipped his head a little lower, breaking their gaze. To her surprize he then turned around and walked away, back in the direction he had just came from.
Andy felt worse than she had ever expected to. She had played a million scenarios over and over in her mind as to how this moment would be, but that had never been one of them.
And it hurt way more than she had thought it would.
A soft touch to her hand made her look at Traci whose eyes shimmered in sadness.
"Hey, let's do breakfast after my shift and your debriefing?"
Andy nodded absentmindedly. She really wasn't focused on the words her friend was saying, but rather the feeling of having her heart ripped out again, the pain triggering memories to flood back.
Leaving her at Frank's office door, Traci walked away with promises to see her later.
By the time the sun began to rise, the day shift officers started arriving, the barn a buzz of activity as cases were handed over and shifts replaced with fresh bodies. As promised, Traci was ready and waiting for her when she left her debriefing, assurance of good food and decent coffee lingering on her words.
Traci chose a diner close to the barn and made the drive over there like she was starving or in serious need of a caffeine fix, something Andy had missed when she wasn't around... Traci's maniac driving skills.
They took a booth at the back, Andy sliding into her seat across from Traci, her stomach growling for a decent meal.
The thing about UC was you drank way too much, hardly ate, and when you did, it was the worst food imaginable, so you didn't even bother after awhile. You lived on coffee and skipped showers and washing your hair. Yup UC was every woman's dream.
The conversation drifted over easy topics while they waited for their coffees and breakfast orders, their banter never seeming to have changed over their time spent apart. But Andy just seemed to let her mind keep replaying the image of Sam's face when he looked up and saw her standing in the hallway.
She tried to block it out, but her mind wouldn't let her; it ran the images on rerun.
Their coffee's arrived, but her mind still lingered on the heart wrenching feeling that clouded over her. She knew coming home would be hard, but that, that was something she never expected.
When their meals arrived, she was reduced to pushing her food around on her plate with her fork, rather than eating it, her appetite having vanished the more she allowed thoughts of Sam to consume her.
Maybe it was fair punishment, to have him walk away when she came back, just like she did to him when she left. And if he really did feel like he said he did when he said those three little words, then she knew exactly how he felt, because right now, her heartbeat seemed to have walked away with his footsteps.
"Andy!" Traci's scolding voice pulled her from her tormenting thoughts.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Where are you? I've been rambling on, but it's like you're not even here".
"I'm sorry, I'm just really tired". Her excuse was feeble, and she knew that Traci saw right through it, but she still made a valiant attempt to cover up what she was really feeling.
"Okay, let's get this into a takeout and I'll take you home". Traci waved the waitress over and asked for their food to be put into takeout cartons, before sliding out the booth and waiting for Andy to follow.
As soon as Andy stood up, the doorbell jingled in the silent diner, the few patrons keeping noise to a bare minimum.
Andy had a direct, clear line of vision of the door from where she stood, her view unobstructed by anything.
Looking up, she found dark eyes staring at her for the second time in ten hours, his face still vacant of anything other than the mask she was so accustomed to seeing him wear.
In one second flat, her heart went from zero to sixty. Her breath caught in her throat before she could exhale it properly, her lungs refusing to inhale or exhale the oxygen they needed to breathe.
Sam's jaw clenched as he watched her, his eyes darkening; from where she stood it was clear to see despite the bright sunlight filtering in through the windows behind him. A flash of something crossed his face, and then she only caught a glimpse of the back of his head as he back peddled and left the diner.
His depature leaving her speechless and utterly in shock.
Without hesitation, Andy's feet stepped forwards. She had every intention of going after him, until fingers wrapped around her arm and stopped her from leaving.
"Let him go". Traci's voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes cast down as she spoke, unable to look Andy in the eye.
"What?" Her voice was loud and high pitched. Did she even hear Traci right?. Her face filled with confusion at Traci stopping her from going after him.
"Trust me, Andy you need to let him go". This time Traci looked up, her face marred with something so sad Andy felt like time stopped.
"Traci?" Andy's head cocked to the side as she looked up in time to see the door swing closed, Sam completely out of sight, the bell jingling to signal his exit.
"Not now Andy, I know you don't do time and space okay, but right now, you need to give it to him". Traci still had her hand resting on Andy's arm, her voice trembling under pressure, as she whispered the words out.
Never would she have thought that Traci would stop her from going after Sam. It made her wonder if something had happened while she had been away, or if something was wrong.
"Look, you need to go home and sleep, take a hot shower and eat. You've just come back, give it some time". Traci wasn't asking, she was telling Andy that; that was what needed to be done.
But the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach sill raged, Traci's words doing nothing to settle the nerves.
"Trust me, you need to do this".
Andy nodded as the waitress returned with their food and the bill, Traci grabbing the bag and handing over some cash before dragging Andy out the door.
Traci dropped her off at home, with the promise of a call to catch up soon, leaving Andy alone with her mind running wild.
She shed her clothes and grabbed a shower, dressing in her favorite pajama pants and a sweatshirt, before dumping her discarded clothes in the trash.
She fished her phone out the bag Luke had given back to her at the barn after she had finished her debriefing and plugged it in to charge. Lifting out her badge, her fingertips ran over the cold metal as they traced the emblem of everything she held in her heart.
It was strange that one small object could hold her passion for her career, her best friends, her dad, and her broken heart all in the palm of her hand.
One nagging thought stayed behind in her mind as she put the badge down on the coffee table and walked to her bedroom, yanking off the musty bedding.
That same thought stayed embedded where it was while she covered her bed in clean linen, closed the curtains and flopped down on top of the covers.
One thought she had now, that had never crossed her mind when she was away- What if Sam really was over her? What if there was nothing left to salvage? What if he had told Traci that?
Screaming into her pillow, she pushed the thought out of her mind, as her heart became heavily burdened with the possibility that she had lost Sam forever.
As the first tear broke free, months of bottled up emotion spilled over, as reality became an ugly picture of truth.
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Jelly Bean Jenna©