Disclaimer – I don't own Strawberry Panic
Just something that came into mind when I couldn't sleep. So naturally, I wrote it up and published it for the sheer sake of proving I'm still active on this site. Enjoy~
Boundaries
She was already awake. The sounds of her roommate moving about the room and dressing had woken her up about fifteen minutes ago. But she didn't get up; she didn't even bother to start conversation – just lay there, under her blankets. Sure enough, today was the same as the rest. The other girl would be doing her hair by now. Speak of the devil – she must have finished. There were footsteps moving from the mirror towards the door.
The girl smacked her lightly on the hip on her way out, which was meant to wake her up.
At the sound of the door clicking shut, she sat up and hurled her pillow at the door.
"Idiot."
Nagisa collapsed back onto her bed, yanking the blankets over her head once more in a huff.
There was a history.
Like anything with a present, there was a history.
The redhead kept her head down on the mattress, laying her forearm across her eyes.
Tamao had always flirted with her. Right from the first day they met straight through the academic year. Suggestive jokes, affectionate touches, and hopeful looks. They had shared beds, held hands, and hugged frequently without thinking about it as the year dragged in. Growing more and more used to the poets' ways, she had begun returning flirtatious remarks without really considering there to be any meaning behind them.
Then the day came, where her bestfriend had looked her dead in the eye and confessed seemingly out of nowhere.
She had just came out of the shower, towel wrapped tight around her while she used another to dry her hair.
"Have you seen my hair tie? I can't find it anywhere."
Her friend looked up from the book she was reading while reclining on her bed, grinning coquettishly.
"You shouldn't tie your hair when it's wet. Besides, I like it down – makes you look cute."
She had rolled her eyes fondly, long since used to the evocative phrases as she pulled her pyjamas out from the chest of drawers they shared. "I could say the same to you, Tamao-chan." She leaned against the cabinet and towelled her hair vigorously, setting the cloth behind her and finger-combing the red tresses from her eyes. "When you leave it down, it draws more attention to your eyes. Straight from sweet to sexy, if you ask me."
It was quite a direct thing to say – even for them. But she did her best to act casual, pretending that she hadn't abandoned the usual formula of innocent suggestions with a perverted edge.
To her surprise, she didn't get a compliment or a giggle shot back at her. Tamao's cheeks flared scarlet, and she ducked her head to hide a coy smile.
"You shouldn't be embarrassed about the truth you know," Nagisa was enjoying herself now. She couldn't ever remember managing to make her roommate blush – and it gave her a sense of pride as well as a rush of humour.
"Nagisa-chan…"
The weakened but serious tone of Tamao's voice sobered her up a bit. Her smirk fell away and she frowned at the strange behaviour.
"…"
The poet looked up to face her, brushing a bang of the offending loose hair from her eyes. Her expression was sincere, and the blush on her cheeks hadn't faded.
"I'm in love with you."
It felt like a slap to the face. Her jaw went slack, and she stared in disbelief. A part of her had wanted to call out her friend on an over the top joke; but she knew that this wasn't something to joke about. And she knew that it wasn't the joke.
What was she supposed to say?
So she had just stood there, half naked with messy hair and staring blankly. When the words sunk in fully, heat burned straight up to the tips of her ears. She remembered to breathe, and looked away from the girl who was chewing her lower lip adorably. Promptly walking to the bathroom again and grabbing her pyjamas on the way; she began dressing.
She pulled on her pants.
Love.
She slipped on her shirt.
Tamao-chan is in love.
She buttoned it up.
With me.
She looked at her reflexion. Mirror Nagisa looked back.
Okay.
She went back into their room – and dropped down beside the poet who at this point looked intensely worried.
"Okay."
"What?" Her roommate blinked uncertainly.
Snapping out of her stupor, Nagisa met her roommates' nervous gaze.
"Really?"
Tamao shrugged, looking away. "Mhm. Since you transferred. I never told you before because I didn't want to put you off."
She swallowed, shifting uncomfortably. "Why'd you tell me then?"
"You've been flirting with me a lot recently, and I just need to know if there's anything behind it." Tamao sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she raised her eyebrows, as if in exasperation. "I guess it's a no. I was being stupid, wasn't I? I always start it, after all."
Nagisa hung her head when the girl began to stand up. On impulse, her hand shot out and grabbed her friends' wrist – tugging her back down.
The poet gently pried her fingers off her wrist, breaking free. "Forget I said it, Nagisa-chan. Let's just turn the lights out and get to bed, okay?" Her roommate gave her a reassuring smile that didn't reach her blue eyes.
The guilt that was giving her a heavy heart made her stomach churn when she heard those words. All the time she had thought she was embracing an on-going joke she was just teasing the girl whose feelings were genuine. Nagisa didn't mean to – she was just obliviously stumbling around unknown territory. She didn't know how to tell if a girl liked like that.
"I'm sorry."
"It doesn't matter."
The blatant lie made her feel outraged that the poet could disregard her feelings to such a degree. She opened her mouth to object, before snapping it shut again. She could see that Tamao's eyes were beginning to water – though her voice had remained steady and strong.
"Tamao-chan…" She murmured the girls name as her chest clenched and her heart broke.
She placed her hand on her friends' cheek, wiping away the salty trail with her thumb. Their eyes locked and not knowing what else to do, she leaned in and kissed her roommate, letting it linger for a second before she pulled back.
"I don't not love you." She sighed, putting her arms around Tamao's neck and pulling her in close so she didn't have to see her wide-eyed and miserable look anymore. "I honestly don't know how I feel. I mean, I never even knew a girl could like a girl until I came here." There was moisture stinging at her eyes, but she blinked hard until it went away. She hated how stiff and unresponsive her bestfriend was in her arms. "Sometimes you make my heart skip a beat," she admitted. "Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to kiss you," she added. Nagisa nuzzled into the girls' neck, breathing in the familiar scent of fruit and soap for comfort, too honest to be embarrassed. "I need to think about it though." She could feel Tamao nod.
She took that as her cue to plant her hand against her roommates' shoulder and pull back.
"If you want to know what it'd be like, then do it."
"Huh?" She muttered, perplexed.
Tamao wiped her eyes, composing herself and getting rid of her brittle tone of voice. "Kiss me for real."
Going over the memory again in her head, she figured that maybe that was her mistake.
Maybe she shouldn't have agreed to the offer. Maybe she shouldn't have leaned in and let their lips brush together again. Maybe she should have stopped when it escalated to full open mouthed kissing.
Maybe she shouldn't have acted so stupid.
It was all downhill from there. It had all happened the previous month – and still things were only getting worse.
They never talked; they went their separate ways during the morning when they woke up. They didn't eat breakfast together anymore, or sleep together. In class, they had stopped running to bag favorite seats in the back row beside each other.
Where they even friends anymore?
The answer came back to her straight away.
No.
When a sob wracked her body, Nagisa curled up and hugged her blankets for comfort, tears bursting free and the sounds of crying filling the empty room.
She didn't know why everything had crashed and burned. If she had to guess, she would have been sure that Tamao would have just woke her up the next day as usual with a bright smile and act like nothing had happened, say nothing off it until Nagisa made her decision.
Though lines had been crossed, and perhaps that was the blame. There was a Hell of a leap between having a joke and breaking the boundaries of friendship altogether.
Though if she thought about it honestly, if her roommate had just acted like that night had never happened – she still would have felt awkward and pressured. So from an unbiased point of view, this was just consequence for foolish behaviour.
A broken friendship and a broken heart.
Nagisa found herself caught somewhere in between.
My point in this story is that romantic love is fickle at best, and even in its prime is has a tendency to fizzle into nothing. Platonic love is the more sensible way to keep things, lest you jump the gun and try for more – only to have it come crashing down around you.
Tldr; Trying to make a lover from a friend is about as sensible as slathering yourself in syrup and running through an insect enclosure.