THE LONG HOT SUMMER SLAM
BY BOB WRIGHT
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the first pay-per-view story in the series, and as such I will endeavor to put together the entire card. Hopefully this won't make the story go too long.
All persons' characteristics as laid out in this story are registered trademarks of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. And now, sit back and enjoy the story.
NOT THAT LONG AGO, IN AN ARENA NOT THAT FAR AWAY...
"The heat, the excitement, and all the sounds of summer, they're all here around us in beautiful downtown Boston, right here from our perch atop this exquisite bridge overlooking the city's famed Swan Boat ride in the Public Garden," proclaimed the balding man in the formal red tuxedo and dark glasses seated at the broadcast table overlooking the Swan Boat pond below in the late afternoon sunshine, "Hello again, and welcome to our special Summer Slam preview edition of Prime Time Wrestling; I'm Gorilla Monsoon, here as always with Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan," he glanced rather sourly at his broadcast partner, unabashedly decked out in a colonial patriot uniform-the coat of which was covered with Hawaiian-style flowers and palm trees, "Brain, the card has been set, all the matches are signed, and this weekend, Summer Slam will be taking place live here at the beautiful Boston Garden not far from where we are."
"And I for one can't wait," Heenan agreed, stuffing a hot dog into his mouth, "This is going to be the biggest World Wrestling Federation extravaganza of them all, especially when the world sees my man, Mr. Perfect, win back his Intercontinental title off Bret 'the Hitman' Hart in what I guarantee will be the quickest title match in WWF history."
"Well, we ARE in agreement that this is the biggest extravaganza of them all, Brain," Monsoon said with a slight roll of the eyes, "For the benefit of you the viewers, let's break down each match that has been signed, starting of course with the big main event: the Mega Powers, Hulk Hogan and 'Macho Man' Randy Savage against the self-proclaimed 'Mega Mercenaries,' the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff in a steel cage match. The rules here are simple: whichever team can get both men out of the cage first, with both feet touching the ground, will be declared the winner."
"Personally, I think the Mega Powers made a mega-mistake signing this match," Heenan opined, swallowing a fist full of french fries-just another sampling of the literal smorgasbord laid out before him on the table, "The Sheik and Volkoff live and breathe for a steel cage match; they're hardcore fighters at heart; the Mega Powers are giant wusses who cry uncle at the slightest cut."
"Now I've never seen either the Hulkster or the Macho Man do that, Brain," Monsoon raised his eyebrows, "And let's not forget, it was the so-called Mega Mercenaries who basically got this match signed about a month ago with the unwarranted attack they pulled on the Superstars of Wrestling that we're going to show you again right now," he turned towards the TV monitor positioned between Heenan and himself as the relevant footage came up on it...
ONE MONTH PRIOR...
"Please welcome if you will, the Mega Powers, World Wrestling Federation World Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan and 'Macho Man' Randy Savage, along with their infinitely lovely manager, Elizabeth!" TV interviewer "Mean" Gene Okerlund grandly proclaimed, gesturing at the curtain as the Mega Powers and Elizabeth strolled out and up to the interview podium to a thundering ovation. "Hulk Hogan, we all..." Okerlund began, pausing as Hulk took the opportunity to somewhat gratitously rip his shirt off before continuing, "We all know what you and the Macho Man have accomplished so far as the Mega Powers; could you give us a sneak peak at what the future might hold for the both of you from here?"
"Well you know something, Mean Gene, when we formed the Mega Powers, we knew the sky was the limit, man," Hulk half-shouted to the crowd, even though the microphone was mere inches from his face, "And while things have been great so far, I can only imagine the things we can accomplish from here, with Elizabeth as our guiding light."
He put an arm around her-which was gently pushed away by Savage, who put his own arm around her instead. "The stratosphere, the ionosphere, the exosphere, we're going further than that," the Macho Man predicted, "We ain't stoppin till we're at least all the way to Saturn and back, OOOOOOOOOH YEAH!"
The arena erupted. Over at the announcer's table nearby, Jesse "the Body" Ventura slapped a hand to his face. "And what is THAT supposed to mean?" he ranted on the air, "If he's going to be part of a world championship tandem, I demand the man speak English so..."
"Well Jesse, apparently you missed the point of the whole speech, impossible as that may be; they...wait a minute, what's HE doing coming out here?" Vince McMahon frowned as, without warning, "Classy" Freddie Blassie strode through the curtain and approached the interview platform to a round of boos. He seized another microphone by the base of the platform as he tramped up to meet the Mega Powers face to face. "Well, well, well, what have we here but the Mega Morons, out to burnish their overblown image," he sneered at them.
"You have no business being out here, Blassie!" Hulk snapped at him, "You can have your own interview later on when...!"
"I'll leave when I'm good and ready, CHAMP," Blassie said the word as if it were a plague. "You and the Macho Mistake here certainly aren't worth any extra airtime as far as I'm concerned-especially not when you let your careers be guided by someone who's unworthy to manage," he glared coldly at Elizabeth.
"What is that supposed to mean, Blassie!" a furious Hulk demanded, "Elizabeth is ten times the manager you can ever hope to be!"
"Oh really? Well let me tell you something, sister," Blassie pushed past his former pupil to get right in Elizabeth's face, "I've been in this racket for over thirty years; I've fought tooth and nail to be the best manager in the business, and the day I let a stupid little skirt who has no business being in professional wrestling steal that honor from me is the day that Hell freezes over! And furthermore," he raised his voice louder, clearly feeding off the hurt expression now forming on her face, "I'd like to see one so-called credential that would make you qualified to even set foot in an arena that would...!"
He got no further, for Savage now seized him by the collar and hoisted him a good four feet off the ground. "Unbelievable!" the Macho Man roared in his face, "I can't believe you would have the brass to say that about the Mega Powers' manager! I think this calls for a little bit of turnaround, don't you, Hulkster?"
"Absolutely," Hulk took Blassie off his colleague and pushed him down flat on the floor, his face right over Elizabeth's feet. "What is this!" the Classy One demanded.
"What it is is, you either kiss up and say you're good and sorry, Blassie, or you're going to feel the Madness and the Mania like you've never felt it before, OOOOOOOOH YEAH!" Savage ordered him to a loud cheer
"Well, I guess I have only one thing to say to that, and that's this," Blassie let out a loud whistle instead of actual words.
"Not good enough; I said kiss!" Savage pressed a boot to the back of Blassie's head. Both he and Hulk failed, however, to notice the two figures suddenly coming from behind the curtain-but McMahon did. "Wait a minute, the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff coming up from behind; what are they doing to...oh no, turn around, turn...!" he yelled, but it was too late: the Sheik and Volkoff Pearl Harbored the Mega Powers from behind, sending them flying off the platform. "Great job, boys," Blassie commended his men, leaping back to his feet, "Give them the Iron Curtain treatment!"
He stepped aside as the Sheik and Volkoff leaped off the platform onto the Mega Powers to continue the attack, then hooked his cane in front of Elizabeth as she started forward to help Hulk and Savage. "Watch and learn how it's done, princess!" he snarled at her, holding her still and forcing her to watch Hulk and Savage being beaten and kicked mercilessly below. "Great job, great job!" he egged them on, "Now choke them out!"
"Yes, Comrade Blassie," Volkoff seized a microphone cable and wrapped it around Hulk's throat. The Sheik did the same with Savage. "Both men choking the Mega Powers out; this is as disgraceful as it gets!" an irate McMahon ranted over the airwaves, "This is not athletic competition at all; this is pure old fashioned brutality!"
"Well A, McMahon, Hogan and Savage deserve it for manhandling Blassie, which was even more uncalled for as far as I'm concerned, and secondly, this is a free country; sue the Sheik and Volkoff if they get a little overexcited at being able to exercise those rights, unlike back home," Ventura laconically opined.
"But look what they're doing, Jesse; you call choking a man out freedom of expression!" McMahon blasted him, "If they wanted to defend Blassie's honor, they should have come at them from the front, not a sneak attack like this!"
"But at least you can get Blassie credit, keeping Liz out of harm's way..."
"He's forcing her to watch it, Jesse; I'll bet he's hurting her arms too-oh no!" McMahon grimaced as the Sheik and Volkoff dumped the limp Mega Powers back onto the platform and hopped back up, striking triumphant poses over them. Volkoff seized the microphone. "Take a look at your all-American hero now, beaten easily by superior Soviet training!" he shouted at the crowd, mocking Hulk's ear pose when they gave him an ear-splitting boo, "In honor of this victory for Mother Russia, I feel like singing Soviet National Anthem to entire worldwide TV audience!"
"Oh please, anything but that!" McMahon groaned, but it was to no avail, as Volkoff placed his fur hat over his heart, planted a foot on the downed Hulk's chest, and burst into a full, hearty rendition of the Soviet anthem. The Sheik took the mike off him when he finally finished. "Iran, Number One; Russia, Number One; U.S.A. and Mega Powers, bah, phooey!" he roared, spitting on Savage and Hulk in contempt and tossing the mike on top of the former. "Come on boys, our work here's done," Blassie told them, pushing past a stunned Okerlund, "And as for you," he pointed coldly at a tearful Elizabeth, "Take my advice and go back to the kitchen where you belong!"
He laughed contemptuously as he led the Sheik and Volkoff away to massive booing. "Freddie Blassie, the Iron Sheik, and Nikolai Volkoff have all together fallen to new depths here in the World Wrestling Federation," McMahon growled furiously as they disappeared behind the curtain, "How can they possibly try and justify that gutless spectacle we just witnessed!?"
"Well maybe they had amnesia and didn't know what they were doing," Ventura offered an explanation clear out of left field.
"Amnesia!? I'm not going to even try to respond to that one, Jesse. Medical crews now arriving on the scene; hopefully Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage are all right after this cowardly action by Blassie and his men..."
"You know, I can't blame Blassie for doing it," Heenan offered up his interpretation as the footage ended, "If I were mistreated like the way Hulk and Savage mistreated him, I'd want justice too."
"So you think justice entails beating and choking guys that you attack from behind, and making hurtful, sexist comments towards an innocent woman?" Monsoon raised both eyebrows.
"How do we know Liz is innocent, Monsoon; she could be two-timing every time Savage's back's turned. And I think Blassie's right; there is no place for women in professional wrestling..."
"We're going to leave that at that," Monsoon cut in, "On behalf of the World Wrestling Federation, I would like to apologize to all the female viewers out there who may have been offended by either the footage or Bobby Heenan's comments just now. Anyway, like we said, these two teams will be meeting in the main event, and we'll see how strong the so-called Mega Mercenaries are when they're locked in a steel cage with two guys whom they've goaded into happily defending America's honor."
"Oh sure, Hogan really represents everything good about America," Heenan snorted.
"And I suppose you do instead, Brain?" Monsoon glared suspiciously at him, "That's right, don't think I don't know where you get your money; I've been in the wrestling business as long as you have, and I know when somebody's not playing straight."
"You've got me all wrong, Monsoon; I'm as innocent as a newborn babe," Heenan flashed an innocent expression. Monsoon rolled his eyes. "Moving on, Brain, Summer Slam looks to have the potential of being very profitable for you and the Heenan Family; first, your guy Mr. Perfect gets another shot a Bret Hart's Intercontinental title..."
"For the record, it's still Mr. Perfect's title," Heenan shot back defensively, "Bret Hart cheated to get it; he pulled the singlet..."
"A move, Brain, that was not visible on replay to anyone but you, I may point out."
"They altered the tape; they had to..."
"Also," Monsoon was already looking fed up with his broadcast partner, "Your Brainbusters have a shot at the tag team title when they enter the ring against Demolition; that should be a beauty of a matchup."
"It's our time, baby; Arn and Tully have trained hard for this moment, and I can personally guarantee they will walk out of that ring with the belts, and nothing Ax and Smash can do will stop them."
"Only time will tell, Brain. We also have on the card the Figure Four Leglock Challenge, with Nature Boy Ric Flair going up against Tito Santana, with the stipulation that the winner must make his opponent submit to the Figure Four Leglock."
"And that's going to be no contest at all; Santana doesn't belong to be mentioned in the same sentence as the Real World's Champion. Here, have an ice cream sundae, my treat," Heenan extended the glass towards Monsoon.
"Will you stop!" Monsoon pushed it away. "And then we have the big boys, Andre the Giant squaring off against the Undertaker; something's got to give in this matchup; neither man loses often, but somebody's losing this one. And then another of your guys, Ravishing Rick Rude, might just end up paying for the cruel things he said about the Big Boss Man's mother when the two of them finally meet."
"I told Jack Tunney not to book this match; the Boss Man's insane, he wants to kill me and Rick; our lives are on the line here," Heenan all but begged into the camera.
"Well Brain, if you'd kept a tighter leashing on the Ravishing One, maybe he'd have thought twice about saying what he did about the Boss Man's mother; we'll spare you younger viewers the specifics, but they were things no mothers out there should have to hear. Also, Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat gets his crack at Jake 'the Snake' Roberts in what looks to be payback for the brutal beatdown Roberts gave him in front of his wife on Saturday Night's Main Event; let's take a look at this footage again," he turned back to the monitor...
A LITTLE OVER A YEAR AND A HALF PRIOR...
"Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat coming down to the ring, high-fiving everyone along the railing," McMahon proclaimed, "Wife Bonnie smiling in the front row; looks like the little Dragon's not too far off, Jesse, probably no more than three months away now."
"Yeah, so it's amazing they could even fit her into a front row seat if you ask..."
"We'll have none of that, Jesse; how would you feel if I said something like that about someone close to you? Steamboat giving his wife a kiss-wait a minute, from behind, here comes Jake the Snake!" the words left his lips seconds before Roberts plowed full steam into Steamboat, sending him crumpling to the floor. Laughing coldly, Roberts smashed Steamboat hard into the ringpost, then pounded his head into it repeatedly. "Jake the Snake with a full on attack on Ricky Steamboat, who's still in his ring gear; meanwhile the bell hasn't rung yet; referee Danny Davis is just standing there watching Jake Roberts demolish Ricky Steamboat; why isn't he starting the match?" McMahon asked out loud, frowning as Davis casually leaned against the ropes above the two combatants and observed the melee silently.
"Well, maybe he's just waiting; Steamboat really hasn't put up much offense yet, so you can't really call it a match right now."
"But the referee's supposed to maintain control, and this certainly doesn't constitute-oh no, Roberts now choking Steamboat out with the TV cable!" McMahon grimaced, "And Davis STILL just standing there watching; why isn't he taking control of this!"
"I'd say he's giving Steamboat a chance to recover, McMahon; maybe he'll..."
"Oh no, Roberts with a hard, short clothesline!" McMahon grimaced at the rough blow. "Wait a minute, what's he doing now?" he frowned deeply as Roberts pulled up the ringside mats, "Oh no, he's not going to...Roberts hauls Steamboat up; pointing right at Bonnie, telling her...oh no, he wouldn't...!"
"Oh yes he would, McMahon, and here we go," Ventura all but cheered as Roberts hooked Steamboat's head under his arm, ignoring the crowd crying out for him not to do it.
"No, not on solid concrete, not a DDT on solid concrete; stop this, Mr. Davis, don't...NO!"
But Davis casually watched with a smug expression as Roberts brutally drove Steamboat headfirst to the concrete in a hard DDT-indeed, the referee let out a small applause at the terrible deed and climbed out of the ring, heading for the exit. "Steamboat is out cold, Jesse; I think he just might be complete unconscious," McMahon was aghast at the unmoving Steamboat on the floor, "Mrs. Steamboat is in tears; how horrible can it be to see a loved one put through something like that right in front of you? Jake Roberts now going for the bag; oh come on, this is revolting to end it with this!"
Roberts nonetheless dumped Damien on the fallen Steamboat and wrapped his pet around the Dragon's face. "You cannot get any lower than that," McMahon growled furiously, "And Roberts now walking away, headed down the aisle without looking back, not a shred of remorse on his face for these coldhearted actions. The medics coming by him; hopefully Steamboat hasn't suffered anything career-ending here."
"Needless to say, Brain, Ricky Steamboat has waited a long time for another crack at Jake the Snake," Monsoon turned back to his partner, "You may recall Jake was still serving his suspension for these actions when Steamboat had recovered, and then was put out of commission again by Randy Savage when he still worked with Sensational Sherri. Now, though, time is in the Dragon's favor, and he's already gotten some measure of payback with that win over the now suspended for life from officiating 'Dangerous' Danny Davis last week, highlights of which will be seen later on this broadcast. Now he's after the Snake himself, and he has made it known that he will have a dragon of his own in his corner to counteract Damien."
"Well, good luck with that for him; I don't know Fantasyland's address, and I don't think he does either," Heenan cracked, wolfing down a hamburger.
"Will you stop!" Monsoon upbraided him again. "OK, also on this year's card, we have Rowdy Roddy Piper stepping into the ring against the Walking Natural Disaster, the Earthquake; that should be an interesting one. And, to fill out the matchups between the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection and the Million Dollar Corporation at this event, the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase will be squaring off with the British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith, in which DiBiase has said is a non-title match in regards to his Million Dollar Belt, which of course is not officially sanctioned by the World Wrestling Federation anyway, so it makes no difference at all as far as I'm concerned."
"Maybe not to you, Monsoon, but as Million Dollar Champion, he can pick and choose who he wants, especially with an unsanctioned title that isn't subject to the thirty day rule," Heenan countered.
"I just said it's not an official title, Brain, so this conversation is pointless, just like you. We also have other matches on the card that don't involve people from either faction: in the first, the Ultimate Warrior will face the Magnificent Don Muraco in what looks like a match of powerhouses; for some time now, the Ultimate Warrior has been trying to join the Mega Powers Rock 'n Wrestling Connection, and perhaps with a solid win over the Magnificent One, he can get that bid."
"Why not, I say; looneys all work together, after all," Heenan shrugged indifferently.
"YOU'RE the looney, Brain. Also, the Japanese phenom Yokozuna tries his luck against Brutus 'the Barber' Beefcake; that looks to be an interesting matchup. As too will the signed six man match, pitting 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan and the Rockers against Jimmy Hart's handpicked team of the Honky Tonk Man and the Nasty Boys. and And finally, we have additional tag team action between two teams that have been at each other's throats for some time over, essentially, wardrobe copyrights of sorts; this will be settled for good at Summer Slam when the Legion of Doom meets the Powers of Pain."
"No contest there; Hawk and Animal have had their day in the sun; now it's the Warlord and Barbarian's turn to doom them to defeat, if you get my drift. How about a soft drink?" Heenan extended that to his broadcast partner.
"Will you stop, Brain!" Monsoon upbraided him, "I'm trying to run a competent TV program here that is titled Prime Time Wrestling, not Bobby Heenan's Joy of Eating, which...NOW what are you doing?!" he demanded up seeing Heenan breaking pieces off his hamburger bun and casually sprinkling them down on the passengers in the swan boat going under the bridge at that moment.
"Shhh. I'm feeding the humanoids," the Brain told him off.
"WILL YOU STOP!?" Monsoon roared. When Heenan didn't, he sighed in frustration and said back to the camera, "Well, that pretty much wraps up our Summer Slam preview; the wrestlers should be arriving in Boston within the next day or so, so if you live in the area, keep a lookout for them. We'll be back after these commercial words with match footage from this previous week..."