New Defence Against the Dark Arts Teachers
A Harry Potter "What If?"
By: Mozphoto
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, other people do. There are too many to list. We all have a pretty good idea who they are anyway.
As many of you know, one of the main running gags of the Harry Potter series is that they can't seem to keep Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers for very long. They all seem to end up leaving under a cloud of scandal, being driven insane, or killed. So I thought it would be funny to do some quick crossovers to see what would happen if some other famous characters who've dealt with the occult got a shot at the job. Put simply, none of them work out and it is left to Dumbledore to let them go and explain why. So, here goes nothing.
"I'm sorry Professor Rincewind, but in all honesty, "Running Away as Fast as You Can and Don't Bloody Well Look Back" seems to be a method that only works for a select few wizards."
"You must understand Professor er, Doo, that while your methods are most effective and, yes the students enjoy your company very much, the house elves are having a very difficult time keeping up with your apetite."
"I'm sorry Dr. Venkman, but while you and your associates came highly recommended from New York, Your methods rely far too much on electricity, which I'm afraid simply will not work on the school's grounds. Besides, I've had far too many female students complaining about your advances."
"No, I'm afraid that gutting a monster with a chainsaw while simultaneously sticking a shotgun in its mouth and pulling the trigger, and bellowing "OOOO THAT'S GOTTA HURT!!" is not an acceptable practice, Professor Ash. And I really do feel that pinching girls bottoms and whispering "Gimme some sugar baby" to be inappropriate behaviour for a teacher."
"Yes Professor Stephens, you are an excellent teacher. However, until we can find a way to prevent dear Endora from interfearing with your classes, we will have to look elsewhere. Though, I must thank you for introducing Poppy to Dr. Bombay. She has been getting rather lonely lately."
"Yes Doctor, I do agree that travel broadens the mind, but many of the parents are complaining when they receive letters from their children which tell of how the were chased about by Daleks."
"Your methods and language are just a little too graphic for our students Professor Blade. Refering to vampires as "bad ass mother fuckers" simply raises too many questions from parents."
"I'm sorry Professor Shrek, but your donkey really is annoying."
"Mr. Filch is constantly complaining about banana peels, Madame Pince has found her library complete reorganized, and Mr. Malfoy will be in the hospital wing for the next 2 months. Just because he called you a monkey does not give you liscence to bounce his head of the walls for 15 minutes."
"No, I do not think the first lesson in Defence Against the Dark Arts should be to make sure that you colour co-ordinate your wardrobe Professor Buffy."
"I've made it very clear that you are not allowed to smoke in the classrooms Professor Constantine and, besides, giving demons "The Finger" and telling them to, er, "bugger off" isn't always very effective."
By: Mozphoto
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, other people do. There are too many to list. We all have a pretty good idea who they are anyway.
As many of you know, one of the main running gags of the Harry Potter series is that they can't seem to keep Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers for very long. They all seem to end up leaving under a cloud of scandal, being driven insane, or killed. So I thought it would be funny to do some quick crossovers to see what would happen if some other famous characters who've dealt with the occult got a shot at the job. Put simply, none of them work out and it is left to Dumbledore to let them go and explain why. So, here goes nothing.
"I'm sorry Professor Rincewind, but in all honesty, "Running Away as Fast as You Can and Don't Bloody Well Look Back" seems to be a method that only works for a select few wizards."
"You must understand Professor er, Doo, that while your methods are most effective and, yes the students enjoy your company very much, the house elves are having a very difficult time keeping up with your apetite."
"I'm sorry Dr. Venkman, but while you and your associates came highly recommended from New York, Your methods rely far too much on electricity, which I'm afraid simply will not work on the school's grounds. Besides, I've had far too many female students complaining about your advances."
"No, I'm afraid that gutting a monster with a chainsaw while simultaneously sticking a shotgun in its mouth and pulling the trigger, and bellowing "OOOO THAT'S GOTTA HURT!!" is not an acceptable practice, Professor Ash. And I really do feel that pinching girls bottoms and whispering "Gimme some sugar baby" to be inappropriate behaviour for a teacher."
"Yes Professor Stephens, you are an excellent teacher. However, until we can find a way to prevent dear Endora from interfearing with your classes, we will have to look elsewhere. Though, I must thank you for introducing Poppy to Dr. Bombay. She has been getting rather lonely lately."
"Yes Doctor, I do agree that travel broadens the mind, but many of the parents are complaining when they receive letters from their children which tell of how the were chased about by Daleks."
"Your methods and language are just a little too graphic for our students Professor Blade. Refering to vampires as "bad ass mother fuckers" simply raises too many questions from parents."
"I'm sorry Professor Shrek, but your donkey really is annoying."
"Mr. Filch is constantly complaining about banana peels, Madame Pince has found her library complete reorganized, and Mr. Malfoy will be in the hospital wing for the next 2 months. Just because he called you a monkey does not give you liscence to bounce his head of the walls for 15 minutes."
"No, I do not think the first lesson in Defence Against the Dark Arts should be to make sure that you colour co-ordinate your wardrobe Professor Buffy."
"I've made it very clear that you are not allowed to smoke in the classrooms Professor Constantine and, besides, giving demons "The Finger" and telling them to, er, "bugger off" isn't always very effective."