Good News Week – Kevin Rudd's revenge
Characters:
Rico Jeancharles – Rico is the host of the show, and often has trouble keeping it under control. He is secretly having an affair with Palmer.
Palmer Hitchingham – Palmer is one of the co-hosts and leader of Team Awesome, and has a sulky, dreary attitude. He is secretly having an affair with Rico, which is the reason he's on the show.
Blossum Wharry – Blossum is a comedian who is always witty and funny, and much loved by the audience. She is on team Awesome.
Malcolm Manzone – Malcolm is a sporting personality (golfer) who is manly and buff. He hits on all the girls with bad pick up lines, and is on team Awesome.
Enriqueta Debore – Enriqueta is a real girly girl, who wears nice clothes and jewelry. She is a singer and leader of team Fabulous.
Mattia Bonson – Mattia is a really cute secretary to Kevin Rudd, and all the guys want her. She has a crush on Delmar, but is a little shy. She's on team Fabulous, and has no idea Kevin has used her for revenge against Good News Week.
Delmar Sannes – Delmar is a gothic rock star, who doesn't say much but loves an excuse to scream and pull out his guitar. He is lead guitarist of heavy metal band Friday Grape, and he's on team fabulous.
Kevin Rudd – Kevin wants revenge on the hosts and comedians because they're stealing his money in the 'Kevin Rudd's fast money' segment and they're also teasing him and making people laugh at him. Mattia is his secretary who is unknowingly helping him.
John Howard – Helping Kevin seek revenge, but secretly for his own purpose with Mattia …
Script
Palmer and Enriqueta come across singing "It's Good News Week, version 2!"
Rico is on stage introducing the show, with all others behind their benches.
RICO: Welcome to Good News Week, I'm Rico Jeancharles, and the big news? There are new hosts for Good News Week after the fatal accident where the old hosts were killed by us so that we could replace them! Oh yes, and the GNW 2009 Sauce Bottle awards went extremely well last week …
(Dart is thrown but misses Rico, who ignores it)
And also, John Howard has killed his wife!
But now to introduce the teams. (Moves behind his podium)
(*NOTE 1: The comedians have an introduction after their name is called)
(*NOTE 2: Mattia sits closer to Delmar and looks at him admiringly the whole time)
Firstly we have the ever popular Palmer Hitchingham, Moody and un-amusing leader of team Awesome!
Followed next by the hilariously funny Blossum Wharry!
And here to flex his guns, sports star Malcolm Manzone!
Now moving over to the other side we have the beautiful and vivacious singer and leader of team Fabulous, Enriqueta Debore!
Secretary of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd himself, the very cute Mattia Bonson!
And last but certainly not least, lead guitarist in the popular heavy metal band Friday Grape, Delmar Sannes!
Now before we get too carried away with insane introductions, we've changed the format of the show a bit to save time and money. However, we're keeping the same games as we're not creative enough to think of new ones, so it's time for our Strange but True clues! For those who don't know, we give both teams clues to a recent strange but true story and get them to guess it later. Now team Awesome have …
(Palmer wears nerd glasses and buck teeth/braces)
A nerd!
PALMER: You know what Rico? I should quit this show. This is getting ridiculous with what you make me wear.
RICO: You can't quit! What about … you know …
PALMER: Don't you say that on national television!
BLOSSUM: Say what on national television? Are you coming out?
PALMER: No! It doesn't matter, Rico's just being stupid.
BLOSSUM: Rico's always being stupid, now tell us!
RICO: Oi Blossum, I could send you out of here right now for that!
PALMER: You can't send her off, she keeps the ratings up!
ENRIQUETA: What?
PALMER: I'm only being honest. This show stinks anyway.
RICO: Moving on to Blossum who has …
(Blossum holds up her item)
A knife.
BLOSSUM: Are you sure I should be given a knife?
PALMER: Why not? Maybe you can commit suicide so that you won't be bored to death.
ENRIQUETTA: That's not a very good attitude, Palmer.
DELMAR: Yeah Palmer, you should get out there and scream like you're being killed!
PALMER: I wish I was being killed.
RICO: Guys! We have to continue with the clues!
ENRIQUETA: But Mattia and Malcolm haven't said anything yet!
MATTIA: I didn't want to say anything, I was happy listening to you all talk.
ENRIQUETA: What about you, Malcolm?
MALCOLM: I think you and me should get together sometime, around 8:00 Wednesday night at McSexy Portuguese Restaurant.
ENRIQUETA: In your dreams. I already have a boyfriend.
MALCOLM: I bet he's not a famous sports star.
ENRIQUETA: No, he's the new Prince of Uruguay.
MALCOLM: Oh … touché.
RICO: Alright guys, shut up and get on with it! Malcolm you have to sing for us!
(Malcolm stands up and grabs a microphone)
MALCOLM: Alright, you all know this one!
(sings) I heard you on the wireless back in '52,
Lying awake intent at tuning in on you,
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through.
BLOSSUM: (Grabs a microphone and sings) Oh-a oh.
MALCOLM: I met your children.
BLOSSUM: Oh-a oh.
MALCOLM: What did you tell them?
BLOSSUM: Video killed the radio star,
Video killed the radio star!
MALCOLM: Pictures came and broke your heart,
Put the blame on VTR.
RICO: Thank you Malcolm and Blossum! Now moving over to team Fabulous we have …
(Enriqueta holds up an item)
A white glove.
ENRIQUETA: It'd be nicer if it were pink.
RICO: Very good, Enriqueta. Now we have Delmar with …
(Delmar has his guitar)
Delmar, you're supposed to have a nuclear symbol!
DELMAR: Why have a nuclear symbol when you can have a guitar? FRIDAY GRAPE RULES!
RICO: Okay then … and lastly we have this.
MATTIA: Do I have to sing?
RICO: Yes.
MATTIA: Why can't someone else sing? Isn't Enriqueta a singer?
ENRIQUETA: Yes, but you were nominated. Look, if you're scared I'll sing with you.
MATTIA: Okay.
DELMAR: And I'll play guitar!
ALL: No!
DELMAR: Fine, your song will just have to suck then.
ENRIQUETA AND MATTIA: (Singing together)
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man: No time to talk,
Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around, Since I was born.
And now it's alright, it's okay;
You may look the other way.
We can try, to understand,
The New York Times effect on man.
Whether you're a mother or whether you're a brother
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive,
Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive,
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvve!
RICO: Very good! Please thank Enriqueta Debore and Mattia Bonson for that singing performance!
PALMER: Why clap? That was horrible!
RICO: (whispers) Be nice or no making-out for you after the show.
BLOSSUM: What?
MALCOLM: Did I just hear what I thought I did?
RICO: What are you on about? I merely said for him to be nice or there'll be no lazing about after the show, 'cos I'll make him do something as punishment.
MALCOLM: Oh.
RICO: What did you think I said?
MALCOLM: Oh … uh, never mind.
ENRIQUETA: Anyway, on with the show?
RICO: On with the show people?
BLOSSUM: That's what she said just then! … hehehe … that's what she said …
DELMAR: Yes, we have to get out there and scream and go wild for this brilliant audience tonight! YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH! We can't sit around and do nothing, like Kevin Rudd …
(Suddenly a gunshot rings out, and Delmar is shot dead. Everyone gets up and crowds around him.)
MATTIA: Delmar! How could this be? I've had a crush on Delmar Sannes all my life, bought every album, and now when I get to sit next to him and bask in his glory he gets killed!
MALCOLM: I know what'll help you get over it!
MATTIA: What?
MALCOLM: You and I at the Friends-with-advantages Italian Bar, tomorrow night at 7.
MATTIA: Oh I don't think so …
MALCOLM: Why not? I'm buff, sexy, and a pro sports star!
ENRIQUETA: What sport –
RICO: Guys! We're still on TV! (Turns to cameramen) Turn it to break! (Turns back to them) Now …
ENRIQUETA: Hey, I was talking to Malcolm! So tell me Malcolm, what sport do you play? It must be something hard like boxing with those muscles …
MALCOLM: Actually no, it's golf …
ENRIQUETA: (Bursts out laughing) Golf? What a loser …
MATTIA: Guys? What do we do about this? He's dead! Surely the show is cancelled.
PALMER: Cancelled? He's only dead. He didn't say much anyway, what's the difference? Drag him off and get on with the show.
RICO: Sadly, I agree with Palmer. Enriqueta, help me drag him off.
ENRIQUETA: Are you kidding me? I'll break a nail. Make Palmer do it.
RICO: Fine. Palmer, let's get him off.
(Rico and Palmer drag Delmar off and they resume their places around the Bin. The add finishes and Rico addresses the audience)
RICO: Right, after Delmar "Fainted", we've got one less member on team Fabulous. But its okay, we'll cope. Now, it's time for the bin, where we give our guests the opportunity to throw something they're sick of in the bin. We'll start off with Blossum. What do you want to throw away?
BLOSSUM: Well I am so sick of hosts who no matter what happens keep their show on air! I mean, even when someone dies, they cover it up and say that they fainted and soldier on! It's …
RICO: Blossum … shut up.
BLOSSUM: Oi Rico, I could send you out of here right now for that!
RICO: Using my own words against me, eh?
BLOSSUM: What else did you expect? It made the perfect witty remark.
RICO: Fair enough, I guess.
ENRIQUETA: Can I throw something in the bin now?
RICO: Go for it.
ENRIQUETA: Well I would like to throw out Kevin Rudd for being an awful Prime Minister! If I hear another word about 'Fair shake of the sauce bottle', I swear I'll …
(Another gunshot is heard and Enriqueta falls)
ENRIQUETA: Oh no! I broke a nail!
(Enriqueta dies, and Blossum throws her in the bin and addresses the audience)
BLOSSUM: And that's also what I'd throw in the bin. Stupid cow, too worried she'll break a nail to do anything!
MALCOLM: Well this is hardly fair, now it's three against one. In golf, we play fair and square, every man for himself, not in teams!
PALMER: That didn't even make sense.
RICO: (To cameramen) We're taking another break! (Back to the group) What now?
PALMER: Drag her off, and get on with the Hot Spot.
MATTIA: But we can't! It's three against one like Malcolm said!
MALCOLM: I'll change teams.
BLOSSUM: Good plan! And Mattia can be captain. For once you actually used your brain for something other than thinking of awful pick-up lines!
MALCOLM: Oh yeah? Well do you have tickets?
BLOSSUM: Tickets?
MALCOLM: (Flexes and points to arm) To the gun show!
BLOSSUM: (rolls eyes) You barely have any muscle. (Flexes and shows huge muscles) These are muscles.
PALMER: Ohh … what are you going to say to that, Malcolm?
MALCOLM: Yeah … well …. your name must be Gillette 'cos you're the best a man can get.
BLOSSUM: Stop with the pick-up lines or I'll pick you up and throw you in the bin with Enriqueta!
RICO: Guys! Just get in your positions for Hot Spot.
(Rico and Palmer drag the boy offstage. Mattia is motioned by a man in a hoodie that he wants Blossum's knife, so she walks behind the Team Awesome bench and grabs Blossum's knife unseen, then takes it out to him unknowing of who he is or why he wants it. Then they get back on with the show and Rico addresses the audience.)
RICO: Sorry about that, but Enriqueta fainted as well. As you can understand, it's hard work being funny.
PALMER: But we're not funny.
RICO: Shut up Palmer. Now, on with the Hot Spot! For those of you who don't know, I ask a question and they have to say some witty reply, but can ONLY talk if they are on the Hot Spot. (Walks into audience, with back to them)
First question: What would you say to Kevin Rudd if you met him tonight?
(Mattia walks up to the spot)
MATTIA: I'd tell him what a wonderful Prime Minister he is.
PALMER: But you have to say that, you're his secretary.
RICO: Palmer? Get on the spot otherwise shut up.
(Palmer replaces Mattia on the spot)
PALMER: This show sucks anyway. If Blossum wasn't here, this show would be cancelled.
RICO: Shut up Palmer.
PALMER: But I'm on the spot! I can talk however much I want.
(Rico pushes him off the spot and returns to his place. Meanwhile someone in a hoodie is sneaking up to Rico with Blossum's knife)
RICO: Now, no-one wants to tell old Kruddy how sucky he is at running the country?
BLOSSUM: Rico look out!
RICO: Blossum, get on the spot if you want to say something.
(Blossum runs to the spot and gets on it)
BLOSSUM: Rico look out, someone's trying to -
(Suddenly, the person in the hoodie stabs Rico and he falls dead, whilst the murderer runs away)
I tried to warn you Rico! (She runs to his side)
MALCOLM: I told you hot spot was a bad idea.
MATTIA: No you didn't.
MALCOLM: (Flirts) Oh didn't I? (Takes her hand) 8pm, Tuesday, Flirtatious Spanish Bar.
MATTIA: (Pulls away) Er, no thanks.
MALCOLM: Your loss.
PALMER: What do we do now? We have no host.
MALCOLM: What if we just put him on the podium and left him there?
ALL: What?
MALCOLM: I dunno, prop him up and pretend he's alive. Do a little voice over where needed.
PALMER: I guess it's better than nothing.
MATTIA: You guys are kinda gross.
BLOSSUM: It's all in the name of show business, honey. I'm in.
MALCOLM: Excellent. Now Palmer, help me prop him up. Blossum, what's the last round?
BLOSSUM: We have to guess the Strange but True stories, don't you know that?
MALCOLM: I don't watch this show; I'm too busy checking out birds on the golf course.
BLOSSUM: I knew you didn't play golf 'just for the fun of it'! Not that there is much fun in it.
MALCOLM: Don't dis it 'till you've tried it.
BLOSSUM: I have tried it. I got run over by a golf buggy.
MALCOLM: Oh. (Takes her hands) Let me make it up to you. Dinner at 6:30 …
PALMER: Oh shut up! All you ever do is hit on girls. Is that all you can do? I wouldn't be surprised, useless waste of space …
MATTIA: Guys! Calm down. Let's get on with this show. I hate fighting.
BLOSSUM: I agree. Boys, prop Rico up at the podium. Add break's over in 10 seconds.
(Malcolm and Palmer prop Rico up at the podium. The teams get in their positions, and the add break finishes)
BLOSSUM: What a great break that was, eh Rico?
(Rico is silent)
PALMER: Oh he said it was dead exciting.
BLOSSUM: Well let's get on with Strange but True. We had the knife … well it appears we don't have the knife anymore. Where's the knife?
PALMER: In the back of Rico.
BLOSSUM: Smooth. Now you've practically given it away.
MATTIA: Yes … given it away that Rico secretly has the knife hidden! Haha! Good joke Rico!
(She pulls the knife out of Rico, blood and all, and hands it to Blossum)
Now what else have you got?
BLOSSUM: Uh … yeah … (Puts down knife) We had the nerd! (Looks pointedly at Palmer)
PALMER: I'm not putting that back on, I'll tell you that now. So forget it. And I'm not singing that stupid song either. The story was that a bunch of nerds decided to see if Videos can kill radio stars by strapping knives to them and attacking Kyle Sandilands. And the other team's story was that Michael Jackson was raised from the dead due to toxic fumes. Now let's move on to the last round already!
BLOSSUM: Okay then … well its Kevin Rudd's fast money … with real money from Kevin Rudd!
MALCOLM: That wasn't even fair! We didn't get to guess our story!
PALMER: It's not like you actually knew what it was.
MALCOLM: Sure I did … okay maybe I didn't, but I would have guessed it eventually!
BLOSSUM: Guys! Shut up for a second.
(Blossum holds up a bunch of money and addresses the audience)
Now we've changed this game slightly. It's more literal now, because we actually have some of Kevin Rudd's money! We stole it before the show, so now when someone gets a question right they get some money. Right Rico?
(All stare at Rico)
MALCOLM: He said that he couldn't explain it better himself.
PALMER: Well he couldn't now, he'd d –
BLOSSUM: Thank you that's enough Palmer! Now first question …
(Suddenly, someone bursts out of the audience. It is Kevin Rudd. He runs up and takes the money from Blossum, brandishing a machine gun)
KEVIN: That's my money, bitch!
MATTIA: Kevin! (She gets up and hugs him)
BLOSSUM: Hey, that was for our segment you stupid git!
(Kevin shoots her)
Shouldn't have said that when you had a machine gun, should I?
(Blossum dies)
PALMER: What's the big deal?
KEVIN: You've stolen my money. Named a segment on your petty show after me. And now, just last week, you've disgraced me by holding the GNW Sauce bottle awards. Can't you all just get over the freaking sauce bottle incident? It was an accident I got the phrase wrong!
MATTIA: Kevin, you're on live television and have murdered 4 people. Why?
KEVIN: Because you make fun of me. I can't let you get away with it. You all must pay.
PALMER: Hang on, we're the new cast. We didn't even disgrace you with the GNW sauce bottle awards.
KEVIN: Who cares? You run the show now. You picked a bad time to take over.
MALCOLM: We didn't take over! We're humble guests. I vote we're allowed to go!
(Kevin shoots him, he dies)
MATTIA: This isn't like you. Who put you up to it?
KEVIN: What?
MATTIA: You're not smart enough to think up a plan like this for revenge. Who put you up to it?
KEVIN: Well, if you must know …
(His accomplice comes out power-walking and reveals himself, they all gasp)
PALMER: John Howard?
MATTIA: Why are you helping the Labour Prime Minister? Why not the Liberals?
JOHN: Because I hate them, and love Mattia.
MATTIA: What?
PALMER: I'm not even going to try and understand that.
JOHN: Look, let me explain ….
(He whips out an axe and kills Kevin)
I wasn't doing this for him. I did it to win over his secretary, oh and also to kill that stupid idiot Rico Jeancharles because he made fun of my eyebrows last week. I killed my wife you know because I fell for Mattia instead. (Takes her hands and kneels down) Mattia Bonson, will you marry me?
MATTIA: I'd rather marry Malcolm Manzone, and he's dead.
JOHN: Oh.
PALMER: What kind of last name is Manzone? It sounds gay if you ask me. And Mattia Manzone? Please …
MATTIA: Love is not based on surnames, Palmer.
PALMER: It is for me. I liked the name Jeancharles so I had an affair with Rico. Never liked the bastard.
MATTIA: Palmer! How could you? Though I guess that does explain why you're even on this show …
JOHN: Well if you won't marry me, then no-one will! (Kills himself, they all stand there in silence for a bit)
PALMER: I take back what I said before. This show is kinda interesting.
(Palmer and Mattia leave)
THE END