The following is rated "H" for honest.

Narrator: From…seriously? Another Nintendo game? Comes a new game about young kids, tentacles, and spraying your fluids everywhere, just in case you forgot this was made in Japan.

Splatoon

Jump into this new innovative shooter that reminds you of the goodness of 90's Nickelodeon, and the terribleness of everything else from the 90's. From its "totally radical" lingo, to its cheesy advertisements.

Advertisement: Splatatatatatatatatata- Splatoon!

Narrator: Ah, the bad ol' days.

Play as a squid girl or a boy.

*Cue team of girl inklings with male usernames above their heads*

But most likely a girl, and customize them however you want in a game that encourages you to show off your style. Which is exactly why it gives your clothes random abilities out of your control and has locked-in weapon loadouts.

Remember kids, freedom of choice is bad.

Choose from several unique weapons from two viable categories (and the chargers), and then immediately scrap them in favor of the "Aerospray" and the "Krak-On Splat Roller". Because who needs skill when your gun shoots faster than Sonic on meth, or you're just Mario with the star.

*Cue an inkling with a Splat Roller mowing down player after player while the Mario "Invincible" theme plays*

Try out the main online multiplayer mode where you team up with other players and earn points not by killing each other, but by painting the town with your team's color of ink which is clearly paint. Only to find at least one asshole who keeps camping and killing just to piss everyone off.

*Cue camping inkling popping up from ink and splatting another user, then hiding back in the ink*

Oh you feel good about yourself? You know you don't get any points for doing that. The area is still blue!

Then once you've leveled up enough, enter "Ranked Battle", which Nintendo tries to act as if this has never been done before. And it's clear that they've never done this before, as it amounts to nothing more than a generic "team king of the hill" match where you get punished for losing, even when it's your teammates' fault, get punished if you lose control of the "hill" through a bigger bullshit comeback mechanic than Marvel Vs. Capcom 3's "X-factor", and get punished for playing a mode that isn't nearly as fun as the main one and will probably only play it just for the extra XP.

Finally, if you need a two and a half hour break from the multiplayer, try out the obligatory singleplayer campaign all online shooters not named Titanfall have. Go through level to level, where the difficulty ranges from "piss easy" to "meh, I guess it's a decent challenge", and find the hidden pieces of lore scattered throughout. Which like most backstory in games that you have to go out of your way to lookup, you'll completely ignore, making you miss out on the complex story of the territory struggles between the squids and octopi.

And yet the squids are fine with living with jellyfishes, shrimps, horseshoe crabs, anemones, urchins, and a cat. Sounds like they're just racist towards octopi at this point.

So gear up for the next killer app on the Wii U, despite its lack of basic content that will most likely be included for free in later patches. But since the internet is relentless, we're going to complain about every little flaw. Including…*rapidly* having only two multiplayer modes, having only six maps, only being able to play on two maps every four hours, not being able to vote on a map to play on, not being able to change your loadout in the lobby, not being able to see the other players' stats in the lobby, only having a level cap of twenty and no prestige mode, not having a custom battle options, amiibo content not giving you your money's worth again, and having no voice chat to communicate to other players or to tell them what their sexuality is.

Still a fun game though.

Starring:

The Super Soaker (Splattershot)

360 No Usefulness (Splat Charger)

*Dio's voice* PAINT ROLLER DA! (Splat Roller)

The Last Lolcat (Judd)

Bayonetta And Jeanne (The Squid Sisters)

Insulting Nemo (Moe)

Fawful (Jelonzo)

Tempura Wizard (Crusty Sean)

Every Old Sea Captain (Captain Cuttlefish)

Whiscash (The Great Zapfish)

And DJ Pornstar (DJ Octavio)

Hentai The Game

You know, there's a lot of Squidward memes on this game's Miiverse board. It makes you wonder, why make them about him?

Zoidberg: Why not Zoidberg?

Thanks for reading! I know I said I might push my ideas Honest Trailer parodies aside to make more time for Precocious Love, but in my defense, this wasn't one of my planned ones. The ideas for this just came to me while playing this awesome game and I knew I just had to get them out. And boy I can't wait for this game to release its new content so that one paragraph looks really dated. I knew the risks of doing this trailer this early, but went through with it anyways. But who knows, maybe I'll end up rewriting this if it looks really bad as a result, but you guys will let me know right (c'mon, I thought we were bros)? And once again, no hard feelings towards anyone who does like "Splat Zones", or uses one of the "Aerosprays" or "Krak-on Splat Roller", but admit it, those weapons are WAY overused. And maybe I'm a little butthurt that I'm like one of ten players that uses the "Blaster" (it has hot rod flames and is powered by soda, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT IN A WEAPON!?). Well, that's enough rambling for now. Time to work on Chapter 6 of Precocious Love. Until then, have a good time making a mess in Splatoon!

P.S. Seriously, if you're designing a game, DO NOT PUT IN ANY FUCKING RANDOM FACTORS LIKE THE CLOTHES' ABILITIES! NO ONE LIKES NOT HAVING CONTROL OVER THAT SHIT!