Draco and Hermione: The Epic Love Tale of...wtf?

A Parody Fic

Disclaimer: Me no owny the pretty, amazing Harry Potter series.

Note: This is a harmless parody of the Draco/Hermione relationship.

It does not, in any way, make fun or satirize the writing or authors of such fics. I am simply poking fun at some of the reoccuring themes, conventions, and such of some of the stories I have read. I love Draco/Hermione and I have and will continue to read them.

No insult is meant. If this will anger you, do not read it. If you read it and leave a flame, I will laugh at you and your stupidity. :)

That being said....Read On!

Hermione clenched her hands. He was doing it…again.

"Why do you always stare at me? I know I'm like, omg, gorgeous now from my sudden over-the- summer transformation turning me into a completely different person but come on, enough is enough."

Draco simply stared at her through glazed eyes then snapped out of it and hissed, "I don't want to stare at your Mudblood face. Blaise or Ginny must have put Change My Personality potion in my drink.

"Well, fine then." Hermione huffed and turned to storm off to the library, the only place she goes of course.

"No, wait, my love! I love thee! Forgive my ignorance. I finally see that all this time, you've been my soulmate! Hermione, be mine." Draco Malfoy called to her.

"Err… Okay, so I'm backing away now…very very slowly. Then I am going to run... very very fast."

"Nooo!!!! I will die of you leave my side because of the veela blood running through my veins although neither my father nor my mother experienced any of this."

"Draco Malfoy! What makes you think I will EVER willingly stay… whoa, veela blood? Really, hmm. Wait, no! I was leaving so you won't pounce on me and try to rape me."

Draco smiled at her. "Well, I don't know. I think I'll really enjoy being raped by you since, apparently, we never get together under normal circumstances…so yeah. Let's get it on!" She exclaimed.

"Hells yeah! –Cough—I mean, this means a lot to me, Hermione. That you love and trust me enough to—"

"So broom closet, eh?" Hermione asked slyly while twirling her hair and sucking on a lollipop that just appeared of thin air.

"Phss. That is not romantic at all. The dungeons." Draco said and pulled her from the room in a forcible manner while everyone in the Great Hall continues eating and is obviously mentally defunct not to have noticed the past exchange but whatever, maybe they have mufflers.

The pair passed Pansy and Theo Nott.

"—Le gasp!—Draco, how could be around such filth?" The horribly ugly girl shrilled.

"Ahh!!! Back beast! Back! Who are you?!" Draco shot at Hermione.

"Oh, dear! I am just so hurt that I am going to run away and cry for days for believing your incredibly false act! I hate you allllllllll!"

"Yeah, okay, so I have no idea why I am here other than to be all sneaky and shady so I'm just going to slip off into a corner and do the whole Death eater thing."

"You do that, Theo. I believe in you!" Draco called then coughed and hacked up whatever hairball made him be supportive.

"Oh, hello Blaise, convenient for you just to pop up unexpected like."

"Hey, I just go where the author tells me."

"Blaise, you're right! I do love her! I just NOW realized it now that I have humiliated and destroyed her self esteem. Not before and not during, nope, right after I just broke her heart and stomped on it."

"Glad I could help. I'm going to swagger out now in a sexy, mysterious way." Blaise informed.

"I lurrve you, Drake. Can we go be all disgusting and make all the girls want you?"

"No, I have decided I am tired of you and your free booty call. I love Hermione and since I'm such a knock up guy, I'm going to be monogamous with a girl I previously hated all my school day life."

"Ugh! I hate you! I love you! No, wait,…yeah, I hate you." Pansy said and stormed off.

"Off to fix things with Hermione without actually actively doing anything…so, Quidditch."

Hours later, Draco trekked up the long way to the Head's rooms which he so convientenly shared with Hermione. He opened the portrait (password was "Romeo and Juliet") and stepped into the common room with his dirty and soaking wet robes hanging off his incredibly well-defined body.

Hermione, his love, sat in a chair reading. "Hullo," he says as he sits in an armchair.

"Malfoy." She deems. Suddenly, they erupt in a spectacular row with screaming and insults but never hexing (because of course they love each other too much to exchange wand fire).

"How could you trick me like that?" Hermione wails.

"Blahh blashh blah."

Hermione looked at him oddly and he explained, "My arguments here never really mean anything so why waste the breath?"

"Oh, true." She agreed.

"So, in short, I am so sorry and I love you," Draco says in a convincing and "loving" voice.

"Oh, Dra-mhfff…." Hermione cried exulatantly and she catapulted herself into his arms (trusting him once more because he has only hurt her…hmm…called her mudblood countless times, tried to hurt her friends and get them all in trouble on many occasions, attempted to get Hagrid fired, led the Inquisitorial Squad (which was essentially the arch nemesis of the DA), tried to kill Dumbledore, let Death Eaters into the school, and now recently… wow, she was trusting him again why?)

She pulled back and asked him, "Why should I trust you again, Draco?"

He responds seriously, "Because I love you Hermione Jane/Jean Granger with all my being and I will never hurt you again."

And they live happily ever after…until some drama pops up, but, hey, who wants to read about happy endings? Bring on cheating partners, the War, and Voldy's evil crack pot plans!!

A/N: Drop a review please and let me know what you thought! Oh, please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes you find. I was rushed...

~~supernaturalmuse