It has been over a thousand years since I have had feelings…..and now I feel them for a puny human, Sookie Stackhouse, who I will outlive. What is wrong with me? I feel the need to possess her, have her be mine. I have an overwhelming need to protect her. But she is human!!!!! How is it that when I finally have feelings, they are for someone so out of my reach. She needs to hear that I love her, but I don't think I remember what love is. Love, a strong emotion, to be sure, one I haven't felt since my wife Aude was alive. I can't get Sookie off my mind. It has been increasingly worse since I remembered the time we spent together. She gave into me. She made love to me and the only feeling I remember, other than pleasure, was rightness. She and I, we fit, like the last of a 1,000 piece puzzle. I don't tell people how I feel but I need to know that she loves me. She is convinced that it is the blood bond we share. Maybe it is. Maybe all of these feelings are hers and I just can't distinguish between my own thoughts and her feelings. That would be quite a relief. I have never wanted to possess someone so utterly, especially since she is a human. Yes, she is a telepath. Yes, she is amazing in bed. But would the Gods really hate me that much? Giving me my soul mate when we live in two different worlds? She is a creature of the sun. I can never be in the sun again. Half of her life is closed to me. And yet, I need her. I can't think straight. She needs to stay with me. She needs to understand my feelings. But I can't tell her. No, what if she thinks I am lying. It wouldn't be to sleep with her. I've already done that, many times…..but she still resents the decisions I make. She needs to see that I need her with me. She needs to know that I married her to keep her from the king. All she is right now is extremely angry at my actions. I am a very possessive man. It is in a vampire's nature. We are possessive of life, so we do everything we can to stay alive. I have only ever loved money and power. Now, I feel myself thinking that I would give that up for her. All my thousand years of work! I would give that up? No. Stop thinking about it. There are bills to be paid, checks to be signed and ledgers to review. I immerse myself in that menial work that I would normally never bother with. Anything to keep the smell of her hair and warmth of her body from my mind, her moans, her loving glance, her…… There is a knock on the door.
"Yes?" I say, quite thankful to be shaken out of another reverie.
Pam walks in, takes one look at me and shakes her head.
"What?" I demand of her.
"You are thinking of Sookie again aren't you?" She says, rolling her eyes, "Why don't you just tell her. I don't understand why you insist on torturing yourself. She is human after all. There is no reason for you not to be able to exact your will on her."
"No, I cannot do that. I want her to come to me and say she loves me. I want her to be convinced that we have more than just the blood bond."
"You are just about as stubborn as she is, maybe more just because you have had more practice. She is convinced that given time, the bond will fade. She doesn't like having her choices taken away. But she doesn't have a choice and neither do you. You liked her before you bonded her to you, liked her back when she came in half dead after the maenad attack. Now, you are just acting more human about it. She is your heart's desire. You wouldn't have run to her while under the witch's curse otherwise. It is not a fact you can get away from. And now that you remember, well….its even worse. In my 800 years with you, I have never seen you so….so….lost. You can make no decisions, unless they concern her. I like her, I am fond of her but she is degrading you and your status. Either man up and take her like you took me, or stop agonizing over her." Pam looks away, probably feeling that she had said too much but satisfied, as she always is, to push every one of my buttons.
"But what can I offer her? She has a job that she likes and does not want to stop working. She has a house, a car, friends……" I said.
Pam huffs indignantly, like I am stupid. I have never been thought of as stupid. Beautiful, intelligent, ruthless, powerful, but never stupid. "You can give her you. You can tell her how you feel. She won't be able to resist. She is human. I would have given anything for the love you have for her in my human years. Love is a powerful thing to them and to love as a vampire is even more massive, one that is not gifted to many of us often. It is obvious that you are in love. She is yours, and on some level she knows it."
"I want it to be her choice. Before, she chose Bill over me. Even when I saved her life because he couldn't, she still chose him. He had something, still does, I suppose, even after she learned the truth about him that pulls her to him. I have been rejected. I do not get rejected. I reject others. I saved her life more times than I can count, and yet she still thinks it's the bond, the damned bond! She doesn't want to talk about the time we spent together. She thinks that man was completely different and he is dead. But he isn't. She needs to know that"
"Well, first of all," she says quite matter-of factly, you brought the bond on yourself. Andre could have bonded her and then he would be dead and she would be free. I'm sure she has thought of that. She resents your bond because she wouldn't have one if you hadn't rode in on your white horse." "Maybe," Pam looks at me with a bored expression and a teasing tone, "You need to make her understand how the bond works. It only acts on what is there. She feels safe with you because she did before the bond. She lusts after you because she did before the bond. She loves you and feels happy with you, because she felt those things before the bond. She still loves that part of you, the Eric without responsibilities and self assurance. You are arrogant and that is something that was gone when your memories were on a…..hiatus."
"I do not lie to her you know. I never could. I omit things, but if she asks me a direct question, or places a demand on me, as soon as she says it, I am at her will. I have never felt that compulsion before and I…." I stopped as a wave of sadness and confusion hit me. It wasn't my sadness. Sookie was feeling that way. I needed to help her. Then I smelled tiger on her and knew that Quinn had disobeyed me to the full extent. Not only was he in my area, he came to visit my Sookie. Rage grew hot within me. I stood up. Pam looked at me strangely expecting an explanation.
"I have to go and deal with a certain issue. I will not be back tonight. Make sure the bar is tended to." I said to her as I ran out the door and took flight.
Flying is a sensation I never get tired of. But I could not focus on that tonight. I could almost hear what Quinn was saying to her. Hurtful things that I would make him pay for. I was almost at her house when Bill joined the scuffle as I had told him to. I could feel Sookie's anxiety level go down a little. Then I felt pain and shock, and flew at vampire speed.
Sookie, my Sookie was laying on the ground with her eyes closed. I growled and told Quinn to leave and never come back. I told Bill to go too, but he was more reluctant. Finally, he left. Then I picked Sookie up, took her inside, placed her on the bed and then made her drink some of my blood. She came to a few minutes later. And then I had to face her with all my "feelings."
When her eyes opened, I was wetting her face so that she would wake up. She coughed and I stopped instantly.
"Too much?" I asked of her.
"Enough." I walked back to the bathroom, put the rag down and was back with a hand towel because her face was now too wet.
"Cold, Where are my clothes?" she asked, confused.
I pulled a blanket up from the end of the bed and wrapped it around her and said, "Stained." I sat on the side of the bed, took my shoes off and then crawled under the blanket with her. She was so warm and I was just so happy that I was there in time. I do not think I could live without her existing in this world. I was still calming the rage inside from Quinn's disobedience. I needed to know if she really wanted to see him. "Do you love him?" Instead of answering me she said, "Are they alive?"
"Quinn drove away with a few broken ribs and a broken jaw," I kept my voice neutral, not knowing if she would get angry at my anger. "Bill will heal tonight, if he hasn't already." She looked relieved because no matter what, she never wanted anyone to get hurt because of her. She was too good to be true sometimes, this lover of mine. Then she looks thoughtful and says, "I guess you had something to do with Bill being here?" I sighed, she would need an answer I thought, she could not just accept my actions. I guess I would expect no less from her.
"I knew when Quinn disobeyed our ruling. He was sighted within half an hour of crossing into my area. And Bill was the closest vampire to send to your house. His task was to make sure you weren't bring harassed while I made my way here. He took his role a little too seriously. I'm sorry you were hurt." And I was, I really was because when she was hurt, so was I. My voice sounded stiff. You have to remember, I am the top guy, people answer to me. I am not used to feeling so drawn to another. I think she smiled at my attempt to apologize but I couldn't see her face, it was dark.
"So they stopped fighting when I hit the ground I suppose?"
"Yes," I said, "the collision ended the….scuffle."
"And Quinn left on his own?"
"Yes he did. I told him I would take care of you. He knew he'd crossed too many lines by coming to see you, since I'd told him not to enter my area. Bill was less accepting, but I made him return to his house."
She sounded indignant when she said, "Did you give me some of your blood?"
Maybe I was too casual when I said, "You had been knocked unconscious, and I know that is serious. I wanted you to feel well. It was my fault."
Two times in one night I was apologizing for my actions. What is she doing to me?
She sighed and muttered, "Mr. High-Handed."
I was confused, never hearing that term before. "Explain. I don't know this term."
"It means someone who thinks he knows what's best for everyone. He makes decisions for them without asking them."
It sounded like me, completely. "Then I am high-handed," I kissed her then, not caring if she was still angry with me. She seemed to enjoy it, "I'm also very….." I kissed her again hoping that she wouldn't deny me yet again.
"Horny," she said.
And she was too, I could just feel it. "Exactly," I said and kissed her yet again. She needed to know that I was back and not going anywhere again if I could help it. I know that when I left her after the takeover she was angry at me, and wanted me around but I was so busy.
"I've worked with my new masters. I've shored up my authority. I can have my own life now. It's time I claimed what is mine." She seemed to respond to me but I felt anxiety and doubt flow through our problematic bound.
"You don't have to be worried about your feelings for me. I can tell you with all certainty that they are your true feelings, not just from our bond. Bonds work by enhancing what is already there. Just like in chemistry when you can't create matter, a bond cannot create the feelings you are having. There are some bonded that hate the person with which they are bound. If you really feel love for me now, it is not the bound, it is because I am so devilishly charming." I grinned at her because she turned to look at me. Her eyes widened and she hugged me, exploring my back with her warm, delicate hands. As we kissed, it felt like we were supposed to be together. Though I had remembered my time with her, I took my time reacquainting myself with her beautiful body.
"Do you really remember? Do you really remember staying with me before? Do you remember with it felt like?"
Oh, how I remembered. I remembered every scent, every moan, everything with absolute clarity. It had only been the thing keeping me from my work, from any decisions. I decided that I would show her.
"Oh, yes, I remember." With vampire speed I unlatched her bra and said, "How could I forget these?" Then I proceeded to nibble at her breasts. They were beautiful. I heard her breath catch as she became aroused at my touch. I smiled. Then she touched the bulge in my jeans and our clothes flew off faster than even I could track to a point. I lay right on top of her, kissed her as fervently as a thirsty man drinks water. I was afraid that at any moment she would stop me. I couldn't have that. Her body felt so good, fire and ice, put together the way they should be. I made her pant putting my fingers into her and rubbing, finding her pleasure spot. I would have kept doing that until she reached a climax, happy that she was receiving joy and pleasure from me. She surprised me by saying, "Eric, Now." She moved to position herself and who was I to say no. "Oh, yes," I said. It felt like I had never been gone. She was never angry with me. I was not agonizing over her. We were together. We were whole. We were one.
"This is best," I said, "This is right." I was overwhelmed by the sincerity and correctness of my statement. I think she was made for me. She had to have been.
I pulled out a little and she made a choked sound. I didn't hurt her did I? I had done enough of that the past few weeks. "Not hurting?" I was anxious for a second before she said, "Not hardly."
"I am too big for some."
"Bring it on," she said and so I shoved forward. She said, "Oh my god," or something close to that. She was digging into my shoulders and it felt amazing to have her rely on me, rely on my strength. "Yes, again!" Why did I ever wonder about loving this woman. She was all I ever wanted and more.
I moved faster and faster but whatever I did, she matched it. It was amazing, awesome. She was awesome. I really loved her. I bit into her shoulder and that finished her but she kept up until I climaxed and wrapped her arms around me again and then we lay in the darkness. I was on top of her but she didn't complain. Feelings of safety flooded the bond. I licked her bite mark to heal it and she stroked my back. I was so happy right now, almost nothing could spoil it. Well, I guess I shouldn't have said that. Sookie always pushed my buttons. This time she said, "Will this change the blood bond?" and though she seemed to ask tentatively, I knew she was still ready to accuse me of something.
"Felipe wanted you. The stronger our bond, the less chance there is he can maneuver you away."
"I can't do that," she said and flinched at the idea. I would love to believe that she just didn't want to leave me, but that was too easy. There was no way that was the only thing on my lover's mind.
"You won't need to," I soothed her and said as softly as I could but with conviction, "We are pledged with the knife. We are bonded. He can't take you from me." I held her and stroked her breast with my thumb. "Bite me," I said to her. She looked at me, surprised that I would say that.
"Why? You already gave me some." My Sookie, always one to ask those questions. I sighed and said, "Because it makes me feel good, just…..for that" I was pleading that she wouldn't ask anything else because I was ready and wanted her again, even more that before.
"You can't be….."
"Would you like to be on top?" I asked charmingly.
"We could do that for a while," she said but I could hear the low growl in her voice. She wanted to be on top, very much. Faster then she could blink, I put us in position. She slid onto me and it was perfect.
"Slow," I said. I wanted her to have as much pleasure as I was so I held her hips and maneuvered her so that I hit her pleasure spot.
"Oh," She said and moaned louder. She sped up and was a force to be feared. She would not stop and then she grabbed my wrist and bit me. I think I lost it a little, it felt so good. We were now complete.
"Perfect," I said, and I meant it to the depths of my un-beating heart, "Perfect."
There was uncertainty in her eyes and I almost expected her to protest my statement but by some miracle, she did not. I think she was as shocked by that as I was. Then it was over. She licked my wrist as I had her shoulder, though she knew I didn't need her saliva to heal. She lay next to me, her head on my chest, her body mine and mine alone. The room smelled of sex and me. That was the way it should be for the rest of our days.
Tentatively she asked, "Can I tell you what happened today?"
"Of course, my lover, I am all ears-for the moment, at least" I said to her. She wanted to share her day with me. I couldn't have asked for a better reconciliation. She told me of the F.B.I. visit, about Diantha appearing while she was sunbathing.
"I thought I tasted the sun on your skin," I remarked. She smiled and went on to talk about her fairy cousins, meeting with them for information. They had told her about two evil fairies named Breandan and Dermot. I was more alert for this. "I smelled fairies around the house," I said. "But in my overwhelming anger at seeing your tiger-striped suitor, I put the thought aside. Who came here?"
"Well, this bad fairy named Murry, but don't worry, I killed him," said my beautiful Sookie.
"How did you do that, my lover?" I asked quietly. She said that she killed him with a garden instrument that just happened to be iron. Essentially, she was very lucky to be alive. I felt so afraid for her life at that moment that I sat up. "The body is gone?" I said that maybe three times.
"Yes, Eric, it is."
I was thinking about how I didn't want to lose her. She was too important. I could not chance her getting hurt because I was unable to protect her during the day. This was the curse of our relationship. Sookie needed to be safe all day, not just when I could get to her. "It might be a good idea for you to stay in Shreveport," I said thoughtfully, "You could even stay in my house." She looked at me, shock registering on her face. "I really appreciate that," she said to me, "but it would be awful hard for me to commute from Shreveport back here to work."
"You would be much safer if you left your job until this problem with the fairies is resolved."
"No, thanks," she said, "Nice of you to offer. But it would be really inconvenient for you, I bet, and I know it would be for me."
I was confused. Is this not what she wanted? To be with me all the time? To share my life, or at least the part I could share with her? I looked at her intently and said, "Pam is the only other person I've invited to my home."
"Only blondes permitted, huh?" She was laughing at me. This offer is one that no one was able to get from me. No one was this important to me, hadn't been for a long time. "I honor you with the invitation." She looked clueless, to my total exasperation.
"Eric, I'm clueless," she said to me and I imagine it was a shock for her, being a telepath, to be clueless, "Cards on the table okay? I can tell you're waiting for me to give you a certain reaction, but I have no idea what it is."
"What are you after?" She could not be real. She didn't want to quit her job and live with me? That was impossible. All human women wanted was commitment and this very warm and human woman wanted nothing of the sort!
"What am I after? I don't think I'm after anything, I was after an orgasm, and I got plenty of those." I decided to just say what was on my mind. There was no point in keeping my thoughts locked up if she was willing to answer questions that had tortured me for weeks. I have to admit, that she got so many orgasms made me quite proud of myself, but I shoved that little thought aside. I had to understand her mind completely.
"You don't want to quit your job?"
"Why would I quit my job? How would I live?" From her face, finally, it seemed like she understood. "Did you think that since we made whoopee and you said I was yours, I'd want to quit work and keep house for your? Eat candy all day, let you eat me all night?" Now that eating all night comment had possibilities but the rest sounded like a prison. I wanted her, but I knew she liked people. She would need to mingle. I just wanted her safe, with nothing to chance. Her face scrunched up momentarily and I was almost afraid she was going to be angry and kick me out. Then her face settled and with it so did my emotions.
"Eric," she said mildly, "I like to work, I need to get out of the house every day and mingle with people. If I stay away, it's like a deafening clamor when I get back. It's much better for me to deal with people, to stay used to keeping all those voices in the background. Plus, I like being at the bar. I like seeing everyone I work with. I guess giving people alcohol isn't exactly noble, or a public service; maybe the opposite. But I'm good at what I do, and it suits me. Are you saying…What are you saying?"
I was…..uncertain. Yes, I believe that is the emotion that qualifies. This woman makes me feel things that I haven't felt in many, many years. "This is what other woman have wanted from me," I said to her because I didn't know what else to say. "I was trying to offer it before you asked for it."
"I'm not anyone else," she said, and shrugged. Well, I could have told her that! No one could throw me through a loop like Sookie Stackhouse.
"You're mine," I said to her but then at the look on her face I continued, "You're only my lover. Not Quinn's, not Sam's, not Bill's." I paused because that feeling of uncertainty was rearing its ugly head again, "Aren't you?"
She seemed surprised but replied, "I don't know if the comfort I feel with you is the blood exchange or a feeling I would've had naturally, I don't think I would have been so ready to have sex with you tonight if we didn't have a blood bond, because today has been one hell of a day. I can't say, 'Oh, Eric, I love you, carry me away,' because I don't know what's real and what's not. Until I'm sure, I have no intention of changing my life drastically." She must have completely disregarded everything I said about the bond and my displeasure must have shown on my face because she said, "Am I happy when I'm with you?" she placed her warm hand against my cheek, "Yes, I am. Do I think that making love with you is the greatest thing ever? Yes, I do. Do I want to do it again? You bet, though not right now since I'm sleepy. But soon. And often. Am I having sex with anyone else? No. And I won't, unless I decide the bond is all we have." I wanted to explain to her that she wouldn't find that because the bond acts upon current feelings but I decided to let it go. I wouldn't win pleasure with that comment anyway.
"Do you regret Quinn?" I asked this because of all the questions I had, this seemed the safest under the circumstances.
"Yes, because we had the beginning of something good going, and I may have made a huge mistake sending him away. But I've never been seriously involved with two men at the same time, and I'm not starting now. Right now, that man is you." If my heart could have thudded, it would have at that statement. Her complete honesty made me arrogant and I said, "You love me," and I nodded, completely sure that she was going to say yes.
"I appreciate you. I have big lust for you. I enjoy your company."
"There's a difference," I said, instantly deflated. Why can she do this to me?!
"Yes, there is. But you don't see me bugging you to spell out how you feel about me right? Because I'm pretty damn sure I wouldn't like the answer. So maybe you better rein it in a little yourself."
"You don't want to know how I feel about you?" I asked incredulously, "I can't believe you're a human woman. Women always want to know how you feel about them."
"And I'll bet they're sorry when you tell them, huh?"
"If I tell the truth." I couldn't believe I said that. The whole point of this what to tell her the truth. Tell her that I loved her and would never be complete with another. That she was made for me and was mine, no one else's. But she didn't want to know how I feel. Maybe she was scared that I would feel the way the bound is making her feel and denial would not be an option. Maybe….. "I always tell you the truth, I may not tell you everything I know, but what I tell you… it's true."
"Why?" she asks of me.
Why indeed? I asked myself as I said, "The blood exchange has worked both ways, I've had the blood of many women. I've had almost utter control over them. But they never drank mine. It's been decades, maybe centuries since I gave any woman my blood. Maybe not since I turned Pam."
She thought about that but I could see she was getting tired. Her eyes were flickering in the cutest manner so I said, "That is enough for tonight. You are exhausted and I have to go back to Sheveport before dawn. I flew, so I can't wait much longer." I got up of the bed and moved slowly, letting her enjoy the view, knowing that she loved my ass.
Once dressed, I went back to the bed to bid my lover farewell but to my great surprise, I was ready to take her yet again and said, "I want you again." She looked at me, a smile playing across her lips and then she said, "I'll see you soon I guess?"
How could she doubt that after tonight? Nothing could keep me away from her. I would not allow it. I looked at her, attempting to let the lust and love I felt deep inside penetrate her mind through my gaze and said, "Yes, and soon." With that, I left her, though it killed a part of me to do so. As I flew back to Fangtasia, all I could think of was her. Her smell was imprinted on my skin, the taste of her sweet blood on my tongue and I would not easily allow those welcome feelings to fade.