Syed's heart sank as the black cab approached the house that he called home. Over the last two weeks he'd conveniently pushed aside all thoughts about this place and the people here, as well everything that had been said and done on his wedding day, and had piled them into a locked cupboard in his mind and thrown away the key. But everything came rushing back like a flood the minute he saw the square, that door and his mum's face as she peered through the curtains at the arrival of her eldest son and his…wife. Wife. He wondered if he would ever get used to thinking or saying that word.

He had prayed to Allah while away, more than ever before, all day every day. He prayed that he would take this time away to reflect on everything that had gone before. To come to terms with the shape his life would now take, that Allah would help him to be thankful. Thankful for Amira, this beautiful and wonderful woman who'd agreed to be his wife. Thankful for his family, his faith and his community, to which he owed everything. He'd come to within a knife-edge of losing it all and knew how grateful he ought to be.

He'd even begun to think that there might come a time when he could make himself feel differently. He'd spent time alone with Amira. He thought he knew her inside and out before this time together, but away from the glare of their families and daily pressures they became closer than he ever dared to imagine. They walked and they talked. They held hands and kissed. They learned about each other and explored each other. He knew that this beautiful and fantastic woman had surrendered herself to him fully and completely, and he had opened himself up to her more than he had ever believed possible. He allowed himself time to convince himself that she could be and would be everything he ever wanted:

We get on really really well....She really is beautiful, I can't deny that....I am so lucky....She loves me more than anyone or anything else ….I DO love her….In am IN LOVE with her, I AM….I CAN spend the rest of my life with her….I CAN….I'll be respected….I'll be somebody.

Yet he was never away from the forefront of his mind, not really. He infuriated himself so much that, even for two weeks, and away from the square and all the memories they'd made together, his mind would not and could not forget him. At the most unpredictable of moments, there Christian was. When he closed his eyes it was like he was right there. He could hear his voice, whispering softly to him. He could see those eyes piercing right through him, always seeing right into his soul. He could feel his velvet soft touch, taste him on his lips, and longed to be where he was.

What is he thinking? How is he coping? I wonder what he's doing today. Is he over me or does he still feel like I do?

It didn't help that Amira seemed to be unable to stop herself bringing up their friend in conversation, virtually daily. Oh, how pleased she'd been that he'd been able to make it to the wedding after all. But oh, how empty he'd seemed on the day. Why had he left so early? What had he said to Syed as he left? How pleased she was that Syed had found such a true friend.

My God, if only she knew, Syed thought.

His mum's parting words to him at the wedding rang through his body like a stuck record every time he caught himself thinking about Christian: "In time all this will pass. It will fade to nothing."

But as the hours and days had passed, he knew there was no way this would EVER ring true. Absence, as they say, certainly made this heart grow fonder. Christian was the other half of him, and he the other half of Christian. He would and could fight this really hard with all of his being, and show his disguise on the outside, for the good of his family, Amira and his faith. He remembered that Christian was now as good as a million miles away from Walford, which definitely helped with the daily pretence, knowing that he wouldn't bump into him on every street corner. But despite this, he knew that from now on he could no longer deny that he felt their hearts would always be inextricably entwined, from here on in. The worst thing was knowing that Christian felt the same and that neither of them could do anything to make the pain better. Syed cried inside knowing that he, himself, had been the sole cause of all that man's pain, and against his own will. He would never forget Christian's beautiful, heroic and calm reassurance to him on his wedding day that it was 'all ok' even though they both knew it never would be. And he would NEVER forgive himself for allowing Christian, tear-stained and resigned to his loss, to walk away out of his life forever, sacrificing his own needs for Syed's, and doing NOTHING to stop him.

As the dreaded moment came and the cab came to a stop, he felt that sinking feeling coming back:

Time to paint on that happy façade I've come to put on so well. This is my life.

The weight of expectation fell down around his shoulders like a heavy blanket as he stepped out, paid Charlie the fare and watched Amira reach out in excitement to hug his mum.

Zainab: My new daughter! Welcome home my darling! And Syed. You both look wonderful. Oh I can't wait to hear all about it!

Syed swallowed hard as he edged the door closed. This was going to be fun.