A/N: I love the suck my balls scene from South Park and was watching it on YouTube.
Disclaimer: I only own Hell.
Suck My Balls
Bella's POV:
I hate geometry; I hate it with every fiber of my being. I have to take it in order to get the hell out of high school. Thankfully I have my vampire family with me to endure the torture. Our teacher is a strict perverted man named Mr. Garrison. Not only does he eye the girls but a few guys too. It's weird, he even thinks about molesting them, well according to Edward he does. He is evil; he will call on you when you're not paying attention. He puts you on the spot and when you don't know the answer he'll make you stand in the middle of the room and sing the 'I'm an idiot' song. Or he just makes fun of you but you get my point.
I walked into the room with Edward by my sided. We sat in our usual seats by the window. Alice and Jasper filed in next and sat behind us. As soon as her butt hit the seat her face went blank and both Alice and Edward busted out laughing.
"What did she see?" I whispered as I leaned into Edward. He continued laughing as he shook his head.
"Just watch." That's all Edward said leaving me pouting. A moment later Emmett and Rosalie entered the room looking disheveled. Mr. Garrison walked in and glared at them till they sat down next to Edward and me.
"Okay class let's start today's lesson. Let's begin with a review from yesterday's lesson." Mr. Garrison said as he opened his lesson plan. "What is the diameter of a circle with a radius of 60 and a circumference of 180?" He asked as he wrote the problem out on the chalk board. Everyone stayed quiet. You could hear a fly fart it was so quiet. (A/N: Foxy: I have no fucking clue what the answer is… Star: Me either. Foxy: If you can give us the answer you will win a prize!)
"Don't be shy; just give it your best shot." He urged and Mike raised his hand. "Yes, Mr. Newton."
"Fifteen?" Mike stated in an unsure voice.
"Ok let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard." Mr. Garrison said with an insult.
"I think I know the answer Mr. Garrison!" Alice chimed as she waved her hand in the air. Of course Emmett mimicked her in a high pitched voice. Without missing a beat Alice fired back.
"Shut up fat head!" Alice hissed as she popped him in the head with a ball of paper. Emmett stood up and pointed at her.
"Don't call me a fucking fat head you fucking midget!" He yelled at she held back a giggle.
"Emmett, did you just say the 'F' word?" Mr. Garrison yelled as his face scrunched into a glare.
"Midget?" Emmett looked up with his head cocked to the side.(Foxy: my dog, Radar, does that when we say stuff to him. Star: Awe cuteness!)
"He's talking about fuck. You can't say fuck in school ya fucking fat head." Edward said as he threw pencil at Emmett. I have never heard Edward curse…it's kind of hot.
"Edward!" Mr. Garrison yelled as his face began to turn a little redder.
"Why the fuck not?!" Emmett asked/yelled as he through his hands in the air.
"Emmett!" Mr. Garrison fired.
"Dude, you just said fuck again!" Jasper said as he smacked his forehead.
"Jasper!" Mr. Garrison's face was full on red now as his hands squeezed into a fist breaking the chalk. I couldn't help it I raised my hand.
"Yes, Miss Swan?"
"Fuck!" The class laughed as Mr. Garrison turned purple.
"What's the big fucking deal it doesn't hurt anybody?" Emmett asked as plopped back into his seat and draped his arm around Rosalie. "Fuck fuckidy fuck fuck fuck!" He sang has he held his hand out.
"How would you like to go see the school councilor?" Mr. Garrison asked through his gridded teeth. And with a smile on his face Emmett screwed us all.
"How would you like to suck my balls?" The class gasped in shock.
"What did you say?!" Mr. Garrison's face was full on midnight blue now.
"Oh I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What I said was," Emmett opened his back pack and pulled out a megaphone. He ran to the front of the class and stood on Mr. Garrison's desk. He brought the megaphone to his lips and it made a nose before his voice went through.
"HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS? Mr. Garrison." Everyone including Mr. Garrison stared opened mouthed at Emmett. Mr. Garrison's eyes rolled back into his head and promptly fell over.
"Holy shit, dude." Jasper said under his breath loud enough for humans to hear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Time-Skip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Detention:
Mr. Garrison had a mental break down and a seizer. The class was asked questions about what happened and to explain the scene that caused him to pop a brain cell.
We were sent to detention and our parents were called. Nice.
It's been two hours since Emmett's little stunt. Emmett became bored and began messing with Mrs. Puff's head. Every five minutes Emmett would move at high speed and tape her shoulder.
Mrs. Puff is the drivers E.D. teacher; she always smells like fish. She's really superstitious. She has all kinds of stuff to ward off dark spirits and bad luck. Before a student is allowed to drive in her test car they must take a bath with this soup she makes herself.
Now this got me thinking. My thought sparked one of Alice's visions. Her and Edward to start laughing so hard they would be crying if they were human. Mrs. Puffy looked up from her book to see what was going on.
"Why are you two laughing?" She asked with a bit of hope for a laugh.
"What are you talking about we weren't laughing." Alice said confused.
Edward's POV:
'I could have sworn I heard them laughing….'Mrs. Puff thought as Emmett raised his hand.
"Can I go to the rest room?" He yelled in a whiney voice.
"No, you can't, not till the designated time." She stated bluntly and took out a book on voodoo rituals.
"But I gotta go!" He whined as he did a pee-pee dance in his chair.
"I'll go with him to keep him out of trouble. I need to change my pad anyway." Alice stated as she smiled.
"Oh all right but hurry." Mrs. Puff said as she knew that she'd been beat.
They left the room and the show began.
Bella's POV:
I am so confused it's unreal. Why would Emmett need to pee? He's a vampire for the love of crabby paddies.
Suddenly the lights cut off and the windows blew in blowing off the windows and blinds sending glass everywhere. One almost hit me but Edward blocked it.
'Oh I get it. Not the way I imagined but I love it.'I thought to myself as Edward checked me for wounds.
The teacher's desk began to move and flipped forward freaking Mrs. Puff out as she ran out the room screaming.
"OH MY GOD! THE SPIRITS ARE HERE TO TAKE ME!"
Alice and Emmett jumped through a window and we all began laughing.
"Who's next?" I asked as I calmed down.
"What do you mean, love?" Edward asked in confusion.
"I want to prank the teachers, silly." I cooed as I walked out the room.
"I want to prank Mr. Tentacles." Edward said in an evil voice.
We all smiled and shared an evil look. Mr. Tentacles is the grouchy music teacher. He looks like a dried up squid. When he gets mad his for head turns blue and scrunches up looking a pair of old balls so everyone calls him Mr. Testacles.
We all have beef with him, all for different reasons. He took Rose and Alice's expensive, no longer made, lipsticks and smashed them onto their desk right in front of them. He just hates Edward's talent on the piano and gives him bad marks on purpose. He is a Yankee and proclaimed all the confederates should have died by execution after the war…. So Jasper snapped a nerve. Emmett, I'm not really sure. He just said he doesn't want to talk about it. And finally me; he called my mother a whore who soiled the constitution of marriage by leaving my dad who is a great man.
"We'll be back we have to get supplies and make a call." Alice said as Jasper had an evil look on his face. They ran off as we watched the music class.
Mr. Tentacles POV:
I hate my job. I hate these brats with their ideas of music. I could have been a great musician in the Phil harmonic. They lost a chance to be in the present of greatness by denying me audition. (A/N: Foxy: He sucks. Star: Just like Squidward.)
"I want every single one of you to write me a thirty page essay on the history of music; including everything from classical to 'Hit me baby one more time'. Is that clear?" I groaned out. They all made that retched sound they make when I give them weekend homework. "All right, make it fifty pages!" The ball rang and they ran out. "And I want them on my desk Monday!"
The room became empty as the last brat ran out. I walked to the back of the room and opened the cabinet to get my whisky. In the far corner I noticed a teddy bear I took from that steroid abusing Cullen. He was sleeping in class with it. I smirked as I began to thinking of the moment where he cried like a baby when I took it. I began to drink when out of nowhere the piano began to play Mozart's death march.
"What the….?" I asked myself as I walked over to the piano.
"You like your whisky huh?" A creepy child like voice spoke from the cabinet.
I slowly walked toward the cabinet expecting to see a small leprechaun or something. Nothing was there bit the bear.
"Can I have some or are you a stingy bastard?" The voice said again but it came straight from the bear.
"I must be losing my mind." I said to myself as I took another swig of whisky.
"You lost it a long time ago buddy. How about you try living in a cabinet that reeks of whisky." The teddy bear spoke again with a gage at the end.
The piano began to play louder and faster as the bear began to laugh evilly as I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. I turned to see what looked like a confederate soldier but a zombie. I screamed in terror as I dropped my whisky and backed in to a corner as he came closer and closer. When he was right on top of me I covered my head and began to pray as a hand began to shake me.
"Mr. Tentacles!" A female voice said and I looked up to see the Swan girl. "Um...Mr. Tentacles are you alright?" She asked as she looked at me in confusion.
"Nope he's insane…mawahahaha!" The bear said as if to answer her question.
"You heard that right?" I asked as I ran and grabbed the bear and held it up. She looked at me confused and shook her head as she backed away. I dropped the bear in shook as my eyes landed in the board.
Bella's POV:
He is totally freaking out. I love this pranking business. On the inside I'm laughing my ass off but on the outside I'm freaked out by Mr. Tentacles.
On the board read in lipstick in different spots read:
''You'll never be as amazing as William.' 'William's so much better than you.' 'William has lushes hair and hasn't aged a day.' 'William actually has talent.' 'William is so handsome he is a much better lover and he never uses male enhancements.'(And versus things like that)
He turned pale as he read the board. He turned and looked at me with fear in his eyes. "You see that right?" He asked as his voice began squeaky.
As I looked at the board confused as Alice zoomed in and pulled the thin glad rap off the board and zoomed back out.
"What is wrong with you? Are you drunk or something?" I asked in a scared voice
"You don't see that?" He said looking back at the board to see nothing. That was his last straw as he screamed like a girl with a frog in her butt and ran out the room and down the hall.
Everyone zoomed in as I broke down laughing. Emmett walked over to the teddy bear to pick him up. He zoomed out the room and was back before I could blink.
"What should we do next?" Rose asked as she looked at her nails.
Before anyone could speak the loud speaker came on.
"Jessica St. George and Julia Forristal please report to the office." And with that it cut off. (A/N: Foxy: If you haven't figured it out that' us. Star: yeah. Foxy: fun fact! I graduated in 2009. Star: and I graduated this past year. 2011)
We all looked at each other and smiled: the P. A. system.
The only problem is that the room is hidden from all teachers and students; well except the A.V. club.
We peaked through the office window only to see Mrs. Copper.
"Eddie, I know you're going to hate this but you need to woo Mrs. Copper." Emmett said with a giggle.
"That woman freaks me out. The thoughts in that woman's head are sickening." He said as he went into the office.
Edward's POV:
I can't believe I have to do this. She is so vial and her thoughts would turn a priest. You wouldn't expect a little old lady like her to be a turtle. (An Elderly Cougar.)
I walked to the desk to see a curly golden blond and a golden hay blond sitting in the chairs in from of the principal's office. Apparently they pulled a prank on a few guys; they couldn't take a joke and got mad.
"Girls the principal will see you now. Edward how can I help you?" She said as the dirty thought entered her mind.
"I need the key to the A.V. room." I said with a smile.
"You know that room is off limits." She said with a knowing voice.
"I know but I loaned Eric Yorkie my biology book. He left it in the A.V. room yesterday and he's not here today." I pleaded with my smolder face.
"Oh okay but bring it right back after you get your book." She said as she handed me the key.
"Oh and keep this between us." I said with a wink and she blushed.
Bella's POV:
Edward walked out of the office with the key and we got to business. Alice ran by the door and knocked. Ms. Jones opened the door to see no one. Before she could speak she was quickly tied up and put in the closet before she knew what hit her. Rose and Alice guarded the door while the rest of us went into the room. Emmett took the first crack at it.
"Attention student and faculty we have a special lunch planed today. A lovely dish containing the pub hairs of our lunch man Chief and our favorite teacher Ms. Jackson. They prepared it this morning when they bumped ugliest in the cafeterias kitchen. Also with a delicious slice of cake." Emmett smiled and said "Beat that."
"Gladly, now give me the damn microphone." I said with a smile.
"Mike Newton the closet call it wants to know when you'll come out of it and stop masturbating to the men's underwear catalogue." I stated and Emmett's mouth dropped open.
"Wow Bella I can feel his embarrassment and the school humor from here." Jasper stated with a laugh. (A/N: Foxy: There is nothing wrong with being gay. My little sister is gay and I love her just the same. Star: yeah if you feel like the world has shut you out for being who you are we are here for you. Foxy: it gets better just be who you are and don't care what others think.)
"Ok let me try." Edward said as I got up.
"Attention teachers we are at code nine I repeat we are at code nine." Edward franticly yelled in the microphone.
"What's a code nine?" I asked in confusion.
"Nothing the teachers are freaking out trying to figure out what it means." Jasper said in a frantic voice.
"Dude, that's weak; give me that." Emmett said as he took the microphone.
"Jessica Stanly and Lauren Mallory report to the office you have won a date with Edward Cullen." Emmett grind while Edward fumed. Jasper took the microphone and stated while sending out a huge wave of fear and panic.
"Attention student there's a strange hovering object in the sky above the school. If you don't want to be probed I suggest you run." With that the entire student body freaked and fled the school.
"Hey time to leave! The cops are coming!' Alice squealed as her Rose ran in the room and whipped down the equipment. We jumped out the window and joined the historical student in teachers in fleeing the school.
Later that day:
Since its Friday Alice dragged me to her house. Currently Edward and I are sitting on his couch enjoying each other's company. Alice ran into the room talking so fast I couldn't understand her with my human ears. She turned his TV onto the news station. The Anker woman stated.
'Earlier today all hell broke loose at Forks high school. Firstly, three teachers went insane. One teacher stripped her close and ran around the town stating; 'The spirits are finally here to take me!" and the second teacher who appeared to be drunk was found under a table in the teachers' lounge rocking back and forth chanting gibberish. Another teacher had a mental breakdown and a seizer. All three teachers were admitted to the Forks mental hospital shortly after they were found. Authorities wish not to release the names at this time.
The teachers and students fled the school in a panic when an announcement from the schools PA system stated a strange hovering object in the sky above the school. The authorities found the head of the AV club tied up in the closet unconscious. It is still unknown who took over the system at this time. Only a few students were injured in the stampede of panicked teens. Now to sports…..'
"Wow our prank mad the news nice!" Emmett yelled scaring the crap out of me.
"I had a lot of fun today we need to do this again sometime." I said and everyone got an evil smile.
"Not tonight I'm tired." I said and Emmett moaned as he walked out the door.
We spent the rest of the night talking about the day and planed for the future. I hope to be like this for the rest of eternity.
The End!
A/N:
Foxy: ok I have been working on this off and on for about a year.
Star: It took you long enough.
Foxy: Yeah I know but it came out awesome.
Star: yeah it did.
Foxy: well review and read our other stories and review them to. I love you all!