Wrote this for the kink meme.
beware.
Everybody had somebody. Almost all of Canada's friends had that special someone who made them feel complete. Sweden had Finland, Germany had Italy and Hungary had Austria. Even his brother America had that weird Russian guy who smelled like alcohol all the time.
They were all under the impression that Canada was forever alone. That he either couldn't get a mate, or didn't care enough to find one.
"Hey Canada! You really need to get laid sometime! Know what I mean?" America would say. Canada would chuckle nervously and try to sneak away from him.
"Canada, when are you going to discover love? I could always help you, you know!" France would suggest.
"Who are you and why are you talking to me?" Germany would ask.
Little did they know.
Little did they know that Canada DID have a lover. And she was beautiful. More beautiful and lovely than any one in the entire universe. And Canada adored her so.
Canada rushed home from a world conference to meet with his lover once again. He wouldn't let anyone get in the way of his sweetheart! He hurried down the street, dodged a rampant moose, and finally arrived at his front doorstep.
He entered his house and went to the bedroom. He slowly opens the bedroom door to discover his sweetheart waiting for him on the bed, lying in silky robes.
"Jemima, I'm here." Canada whispered, seductively. Aunt Jemima smiled and pulled Canada onto the bed.
"Oh my sweet little snowball. I've missed you so much. Ravage me with your mad love!" Jemima ordered. Canada happily obliged and began to take her robes off, smothering her up and down with kisses. What the fuck am I writing.
Canada wrapped his arms around her, while she undid his shirt buttons. Once they were both sufficiently unclothed, Canada reached for a bottle on the bedside table.
Oops, he grabbed the lube. He threw the lube behind his back and grabbed for a different bottle.
The Aunt Jemima brand syrup.
He opened the bottle with his teeth and sucked some out. Ew. The two of them began to have delicious syrupy sex. It was disturbing.
They were both now covered in the syrup that they loved so much. Canada licked it off of both himself and his lover. Magical.
The moment could not get more perfect for the two of them. It was pure bliss.
But their perfect bliss couldn't last forever. At that exact moment, the door opened up, revealing their naked, syrupy bodies to none other than Ms. Butterworth!
All three of them gasped and Canada sat up abruptly.
"MS BUTTERWORTH! You're home early!" Canada said, panicking. Ms Butterworth dropped her own bottle of syrup and stared at the two of them in shock and disbelief.
"What...what are you doing? How dare you!" She screamed. Canada began to pull his clothes on, but since he was covered in syrup it was kind of difficult.
"Baby! It's not what you think!" Canada said.
"How dare you steal my Canada away from me!" Butterworth shrieked. Canada paused. Butterworth was mad at Jemima instead of him?
"YOUR Canada? He's mine, bitch!" Jemima said. Butterworth sprinted away angrily. Canada chased after her. He chased her into the kitchen, where he found her pulling a huge knife out of a drawer.
"NO BUTTERWORTH!" he screamed, and he tried to pry the knife from her fingers, but to no avail. Nothing can stop a syrup woman when she's angry!
Canada ran into the bedroom after her and saw her struggling with Jemima, trying to force the blade into her chest.
"STOP IT! STOP IT!" he shouted, helplessly. But it was to late. His precious Jemima, now lay with a knife protruding out of her chest.
She was bleeding maple syrup.
"Butterworth! You monster!" he said. Butterworth sneered, pulled the blade out and pointed it at her own chest. Canada screamed again and lunged at her.
They rolled around and Canada struggled to retrieve the knife. He finally got a hold of it just as the two of them rolled off of the syrup soaked bed.
Canada felt his hand fill with maple syrup. He looked down at Butterworth. He had accidentally stabbed her when he fell. Canada broke down into tears and mourned the death of his two lovely, syrupy mistresses.
"Well fuck it." he said, and he had sex with their dead bodies instead.
Fin.
What is this I don't even.