The Length of What He'll do

He will give him everything. Every inches of his life he would voluntarily devote to his little brother and never would Shigeo thinks otherwise. With his fingers splayed on Ritsu's closed –blind, his mind whispered insidiously- eyes, he made an oath to never let anyone touch his pure, innocent brother.

Or, Alternatively in someone else's eyes.

…

One moment his body was experiencing horrible pain, the next moment his heart felt like it was split into two. There was so much blood, too much, how could someone as small as Ritsu has that much blood? His whole body trembled as he dropped beside his little brother, afraid of touching the fragile and -oh, god what had he done?- small body. Ritsu was whimpering in pain. Agony tumbled out of his tiny lips like streams of river and he wished he could soothe him.

There was someone else there, speaking with him in worried voice. A pat on his shoulder, so fleeting and warm that he paid no heed at all. Someone was speaking rapidly right beside him, his mind barely processing the words they spoke of. He focused himself on Ritsu, on how he would be able to help him. A dark, nagging feeling was scratching at the back of his head and he tried his best to ignore it even as its whisper grew louder and louder, deafening his ears from everything else.

It's your fault. It's YOUR fault. It's YOUR FAULT. IT'S YOUR FAULT. It'S YoUr FauLT.

Footsteps and then there were people. People who tried to take his brother away from him. Shigeo glared up, eyes unseeing as he felt something within him palpitated and lashed out in warning waves of invisible force. They were staring at him, baffled and frightened. He didn't care, no. No one else could take Ritsu away from his safe -sinned- hands. His throat produced a growl as he moved to cover his brother from those people. There were murmurs that sounded more like a buzz under the whisper in his ears.

Two hands, warm and sweaty took ahold of both his cheeks, snapping the haze blanketing his eyes and silencing the whisper in his ears. He blinked; a pair of dark eyes met another. "Kid…" it's a man, his mind managed to process, "…you can come along if you must, but for now, let the professional handle him…" he said firmly. Shigeo's lips parted to refuse him, to let them know that no one can touch Ritsu. But the tiny, rational mind in his head won over the argument and he squeaks out a small, pitiful, "Okay…" before he dropped his hands. The man, seemingly satisfied, let his cheeks go.

He watched blankly as people carefully lifted Ritsu to a small bed-like equipment and meticulously wheeled him into a white van. One of them took ahold of his hand –not that man- and silently led him inside too, ordering for the other to make space. He was seated across someone who was wiping the blood off of his brother and he squirmed, uncomfortable by the belt across his chest down to his waist. Ritsu was still breathing, albeit with great effort. Shigeo twined his hand together and squeezed. He didn't dare to touch Ritsu.

These hands…

With these hands Ritsu was hurt.

His teeth clacked together, tears brimming in the corner of his eyes. Is he a monster? Is he not human? It's his brother he had hurt…what kind of a big brother he is if he hurt his little brother?

What is it really that lives inside him?

The van started moving and he felt like floating. Was he even here? In reality instead of some sickening, twisted nightmare in his sleep. Shigeo buries his face into his hands and prayed that this was all had been a bad dream.

Of course reality had never been that kind to him.

….

He grew up reluctant to leave Ritsu alone.

Despite his parents concern over his rapidly deteriorating grade and his growing sociopathy toward everyone else aside from his family, Shigeo kept on staying by Ritsu's side. If he could, he'd rather stop coming to school altogether and devoted his life to his brother. Ritsu, however, told him to go to school everyday and study for himself. "I will be fine studying at home, nii-san," his brother said, gesturing to the opened book on his desk, "…it's hard reading in braille, but I'm making progress slowly"

Shigeo raised no objection and went to school everyday just to satisfy his little brother's will.

School, to put it simply, was a disastrous ordeal. The teacher was speaking too fast –on and on and on- and other students were talking in obnoxious buzz –it's his fault his brother is blind, I heard he's the one who did it. When lunch came, he walked by habit to the lower class area and caught himself before he opened one of the fifth grade's classroom door – is that Kageyama's older brother? Hey, let's get away from here. He could only stop doing so after his third week in school. Lessons were particularly hard to listen to – You Hurt Him. He failed every single lesson, refused to attend the supplementary class, and soon enough, his parents were called.

His father talked about it for two days straight and Shigeo stopped coming to school for the next three. It might be fortunate for him that his parents understand that they have a delicate esper with unstable mind as their son. But he could sense the desperation in his mother's voice as she asked him to please study more subtly and the frustration in his father's eyes whenever they met in the hallway. He retreated to Ritsu's room for those three days, reveling in his brother's existence.

Ritsu persistently told him that he would do just fine had he studied and made effort in class. He did not answer him and Ritsu gave him a hug. "Stop blaming yourself…" his voice was muffled by the fabric of your clothes, "…please stop self deprecating yourself, nii-san…" he replied the hug, but he stayed silent. He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Ritsu is too kind, too…

"Nii-san?"

"Can we stay like this for a while?" his voice was hoarse and he was sure he wouldn't be able to say anything else after, "I…I…" he pressed his face against the small shoulder of his brother and let his tears drenched the fabric.

There was a warm hand drawing circle on the small of his back, "Okay…" he heard Ritsu's gentle reply, "…for as long as you like…"

…

The world is not a kind place.

But it once was kind and Shigeo might have taken it for granted.

In this kind world, Ritsu was as healthy as he can be. He could see everything in crystal clear sight and his smile was the most blinding thing Shigeo had ever seen. He spoke with confidence and his eyes sparkled whenever they play together. Ritsu was number one in the school and everyone seemed to admire him although the boy himself didn't like the attention and preferred to be left alone. Shigeo was content seeing his brother being adored by the crowds. He stayed in the sideline and cheered him on from afar. His little brother would never fail to notice him among the crowds despite of his nearly non-descript look and was not afraid to approach him and showed him his affection.

In this kind world, Shigeo aspired to be like his little brother. He didn't want to be his brother's burden, that heavyweight that seemed to chain his brother down. This was why he refused the kind offer Ritsu had made to listen to his problem should he had one. How many times had he lied that everything was fine? That he had no trouble and Ritsu shouldn't concern himself over him.

It was a good world to live in, a fantasy that seemed so unreal.

However, as he stated before, the world is not that kind.

Here he was, in a world where he was the one who robbed everything from Ritsu.

Here he was, in a world where Ritsu suffered the consequence of his action.

Here he was, patching the hole he made with mossed woods and rusted nails.

Here he was, wondering if it would be better if he didn't exist in the first place.

…

Ritsu was crying.

It was the first week of his hospital leave and he was sniffing and sobbing and tossing and turning – and writhing and whimpering and…dYinG. Shigeo literally threw the door open and cautiously took ahold of his brother's struggling form. "It will be okay" he started, running a hand down Ritsu's back softly. His brother cried desperately, calling for his name and begged for him to please, please let his eyes see everything. "It's fine, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" he couldn't cry now, not in front of his brother who was depending on him to give comfort and assurance.

"It's so dark, nii-san, please, just…" the word caught in Ritsu's throat and his sobs overwhelmed everything else. Nothing else was in his mind as he pleaded for Ritsu to be patient and to keep hoping, that one day, light would eventually come back to his sight. That his eyes would gain back their ability to see. He apologized that it couldn't be now, that he's powerless against Ritsu's disability. He apologized again. And again. And again. And again. He couldn't keep count on how many times had he apologized. But he kept adding the number as he clung to Ritsu as if he would disappear into the darkness if he didn't.

"You'll be okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that this have to end up like this, I'm sorry that you-" he breathed through his nose, holding back the tears prickling his eyes, "…I'm sorry, Ritsu, I'm sorry…" he couldn't speak of anything else but apology. He shuddered when Ritsu slowly stopped sobbing, a hand much like his – but less bloody- travelled up to his hair and stroked his scalp gently, mussing his hair. "It's okay, nii-san, it's not your fault" Ritsu whispered in coarse voice, hiccups spilling occasionally from his lips, "…it's nothing, I'll be fine, okay?"

He really didn't deserve his little brother.

…

Why are you holding back?

The voice started out of nowhere one day, ringing inside his skull and Shigeo blinked in confusion.

Why are you holding yourself back?

He looked to his right where Ritsu was busy concentrating on his dinner with furrowed eyebrows. They were having seafood pasta. His mother had hinted it during breakfast - he scarcely remembered that bit of light-hearted conversation before he went to school this morning. Ritsu shoveled the food inside his mouth carefully as to not spill any to the table since he would hate it if his disability to eat properly caused someone else the hassle to clean after him like an infant.

Is it him?

Flinched, his head swiveled around, eyes darting around to see what he couldn't.

It's him, isn't it?

"Have you done eating, nii-san?" Ritsu asked him, his fork clanking against the empty plate. He turned sharply toward his brother, at Ritsu's voice as if it had snapped him back to the world right in front of his very eyes. "N-no!" he stuttered, grabbing his fork hastily to cover for the odd pause. Ritsu stiffened, gazing –can he really?- at him with what could be described as a worried look.

Should I finish him off for you?

"NO!" he shouted. The fork in his hand twisted until it was nothing but a crumpled metal, the plate on the table trembled as if an earthquake had occurred. He threw the fork toward the wall in a fit of panic and dropped himself to the floor. The chair he was seated on previously fell and shook erratically. There's a voice calling his name, but he ignored it in favor of screaming continuous stream of, "NONONONONO!" toward the phantom with his face haunting the room in sinister whispers and glinting red eyes.

It would be so easy. YoU'Ve BliNDEd HIM before, surely it would be easy to just-

"No, stop…STOP!" he screamed, begging, pleading for the shadow to leave him alone, to stop speaking altogether.

-FInISh tHe jOB?

"NII-SAN!"

Shigeo registered two pair of arms around his waist. He blinked, noticing that there were tears running down his cheeks and that his feet weren't touching the ground. The whole room was a mess of broken plates and utensils, flipped table and chairs along with a rotated fridge levitating with its cord dangerously swinging back and forth a few inches to his front. He looked down to see a tuft of familiar black hair. Ritsu buried his face to his shirt, clinging desperately on his waist. He was standing on his tiptoe considering that Shigeo himself was floating in a height where his head barely centimeters from the ceiling.

The voice had silenced, retreated somewhere Shigeo couldn't take a guess. It could be toward one of the dark corners of this house, or somewhere out there in the woods, waiting with batted breath to come over and try again to take ahold of what little control that he had left. Or it could be somewhere much closer. The back of his mind; that dark space that Shigeo didn't dare try to venture in.

Slowly, he lowered himself, unlatched Ritsu's arms from his waist –god, Ritsu was shaking so much it's a miracle he could stand on tiptoe during that- and with a flick of his fingers, he put everything back to normal as tenderly as he could. Ritsu didn't waste any time to tackle him into a full-blown hug and sobbed softly into the material of his shirt. Small fists curled on the white fabric and his chest tightened at the sight.

Once again, he brought sorrow to his brother's poor life.

"I-I'm…okay, Ritsu…" he muttered under his breath.

He was not sure he was.

….

The voice started to haunt him. It always came inconsistently, striking when he least expect it. In the middle of the class during lesson, lunchtime, and during dinner with his family. Sometimes, the whispers could be heard when he's walking home with his brother as well. He contained everything under his skin and thick barrier. Ritsu did ask him one day, expressing his worry in a subtle protest that his big brother was keeping things from him. "I might not be able to see, but I could sense your distress you know…" he muttered with a frown, "…it's…discomforting…"

Shigeo gave him the usual answer he always gave him, "It's nothing, really…" and took his brother's hand to remind himself that his brother was really here, existing instead of being buried six feet under or scattered among the rolling waves. This answer prompted more question from the younger boy, but they were left on the tip of Ritsu's tongue. He had never voiced it, so Shigeo didn't feel obligated to answer him. What's the point of telling an answer to a question he wasn't asked despite knowing that it upset Ritsu to no end?

It was during the end of the first week when Ritsu first enrolled to the new school –a school for disabled that he indirectly forced him to attend- that the voice finally overwhelmed everything else. He knew he shouldn't be slipping out of Ritsu's grip, that his brother needed his guidance to get home –he had stubbornly refused to use a cane. But the voice was KILL HIM - filling his ears with KiLL hiM! - dread and anger and madness whAt ARe yoU WAitInG FOr? -all rolled into one that he almost stopped breathing at all.

He ran. He pulled his hand from his brother's grip, causing a surprised gasp out of Ritsu before he ran away blindly. Why aRe yoU So PItifUL? He really wanted it to shut up. I might cONSidER ShuTtIng Up iF YOu'rE NoT sUCh a COwaRd he breathed sharply, hissing through gritted teeth.

His feet trembled when exhaustion caught up with him. How long had he been running, god, he had left Ritsu in the middle of the road to fend off by himself! Are you really worried? His eyes widened, his curled fist tightened beside his waists. He gritted his teeth, forcing his mind to take control of what little he had left. Aren't you so pent up? You have all these powers, but HE manipulates you to stop using it altogether! Ritsu did not do such a thing. He's the one that stopped by his own accord. It was not because of…How long do you want to deny it? FOR HOW LONG?

"You-"

With unseeing eyes, he continued to stare at the path laid before him. Who? The figure felt like himself, less powerful, but he understood they are of the same feather. Another esper, his mind thought. The peeled asphalt on the road was interesting, he forced himself to think. There was no need for him to see another proof of his cursed power. No need for him to think that someone else has this kind of power, but managed to control themselves, unlike him. Unlike him. Unlike him. Unlike HIM. UNLIKE HIM.

HEISTERRIBLEHEISTERRIBLEHEISTERRIBLE

Ritsu is hurt?

Is Ritsu hurt?

Do you even care anymore?

He finally looked at the esper before him, let out a bitter smile and fell to the back of his mind.

….

Maybe it was better this way, he thought. They were walking home together: Ritsu with his hand wrapped around his own and Hanazawa –that esper who is not terrible like him- who walked behind them, careful not to disturb their private bubble yet sometimes boldly threw an opinion at Ritsu's exclamation. And him, beside Ritsu, hearing the banter from both side, his thought muffled in their conversation to think about anything else.

The voice had stopped coming ever since Hanazawa took it upon himself to walk home together with them.

Shigeo did not dare to call him as his friend however closer he had started to become, but he trusted the blond boy enough that he would allow his presence beside his protective circle as long as he understood his limit. They fell into the habit of walking home together with him listening to Ritsu's constant story about his day and Hanazawa's adept reply and suggestion over problematic occurrence that popped out from the story. It was enough to keep him preoccupied that everything else slid into the back of his mind and quieted down.

This was nice, he thought.

Squeezing Ritsu's hand, he let a small smile grace his lips.

….

There were times when Shigeo was not available to accompany Ritsu. Those times were the most frustrating moments in his life as he had to entrust Ritsu to Hanazawa's hand. The blond esper is capable, Shigeo knows that much. And he would never try to hurt Ritsu, another reason that adds to Hanzawa's good points. Their mother had even met Hanazawa and she actually likes the boy enough to trust him with her sons. She even asked him about where Hanazawa lives and told him to bring him food when he found out he lives all by himself.

Shigeo does trust Hanazawa enough, but he still would prefer himself to keep watch on Ritsu rather than someone else. Ritsu himself has told him that he'll be alright and would tell him if Hanazawa dared to do anything out of context. Hanazawa has vowed that he would never touched Ritsu if it's not consented –why does that sound so wrong, he wonders- by his younger brother.

Why isn't that enough for him to believe that Ritsu will be fine with Hanazawa today?

It was that day when he needed to attend extra class due to his abysmal grade. Nothing was wrong with attending once in a while so he agreed quite easily. Yet after he sat himself on his seat and the teacher began her speech, he felt a slight jolt of pain from his head. Something was definitely wrong. He stood up, bag in his hands, ready to run home or wherever Ritsu was. The teacher gave him a look before she walked to the door and locked it with a twist of her fingers.

"You won't leave this room until I see an improvement, Kageyama" she admonished.

As an appropriate response, he growled at her.

He skimmed through the supplementary lesson's material, ignoring the teacher most of the time and filling his head with different scenarios that could happen during his little brother and Hanazawa's walk home. It irritated him enough that he glared permanently at the teacher with a deadpan look on his face that could probably the cause for said teacher's sudden stutters.

He needed to finish all of this bullshit and quickly find Ritsu before he explodes from worry.

When the teacher finally -with a nervous look on her face- declared him clear to go home, he threw everything into his bag in record time and ran out of the class with a loud, "Thank you and bye!" addressed to the teacher. He didn't care if it's rude or not, all he cared at this moment was his brother's whereabouts. He stomped through his way home, his breath heavy with worry and anxiety.

Has Ritsu arrived at their home, yet?

At the back of his mind, he could feel something gnawing. An instinct, an invisible thread that the world might have woven between him and Ritsu; a link that connects them together. He gritted his teeth together, knowing that he shouldn't be this anxious, that Hanazawa is walking Ritsu home and he shouldn't be doubting the blond esper. Still something was happening to his brother, good or bad he couldn't quite tell.

He arrived home in record time and opened the front door hastily, his mind running through scenarios after scenarios that could have happened to his brother. The voice that had been so quite, muffled in the far corner of his mind had started to giggle and his breath hitched.

There were no shoes in the porch.

…

One of the guest who commented on the companion story of this one had asked 'How can Ritsu see them nod or shake their head if he's blind?' well, umm…I think I wrote that either the one who gestures with their head eventually realized and answered his question verbally –in which Ritsu will wait, patiently- or it's a rhetorical question and Ritsu could guess what the other's answer is. I noticed that there's that one scene when Teru nodded to answer and Ritsu replied him. This one was intended to be rhetorical. But if it really bothers you, I apologized for my carelessness or for anything else that anyone else found incorrect and I didn't mention it here…feel free to drop anything to me.