Dean woke up, sweaty, nauseated, panicked. He sat up from his pillows and threw the comforter off his legs. It was dark except for the dim light coming in through the window, signaling the approach of dawn. He breathed in, and out, and in deeply telling himself it was a dream. But it felt so real.
They always feel hyper-real, his dreams, and seem to focus on illuminating his deepest fears. When Cas wakes up he murmurs that he dreamt they adopted three orphaned raccoon babies and kept them in a giant kennel. Dean wishes he had dreams about raccoons, unicorns, clowns (okay, maybe not clowns), anything but this recurring nightmare. Cas said Dean wanted to set them free.
Dean sighed and stretched out of bed, careful to not wake the sleeping man next to him. He sat on the edge of the bed and listened to the slow, soft breaths as he rolled his sore neck and shoulders. He felt more tense than when he went to bed, exhausted. He practically fell asleep with his pants, socks, and shirts on. He got up shuffled to the kitchen in the dark, he knew their place so well now he didn't have to flip on the lights. He poured himself a cold glass of water and drank it quickly, then he poured himself another. His mouth felt so dry. He went over to the front window and looked out at the early morning light streak across the sky. He tried not to think about anything but he remembered everything that happened in his dream.
It wasn't that the dream was especially violent or bloody, like the ones he had when he was younger, but it raised a panic deep within him that he chose most days to suffocate with beer, burgers and hanging out with Cas and Sam. This dream makes him reflect on how worthless he is, exactly what he has to give to...that angel that is always so patient, so kind when he's gruff, so understanding when he's panicked, so endearing when he's just a pile of dirt. Somedays Dean wishes he could just bite his tongue, somedays he's unnecessarily mean, condescending, judgmental, but it just comes out of him and he always regrets it. But then there's Cas, lying in their bed that they bought together under Dean's comforter and he's been there every morning for the last three years. Dean is still trying to figure out what makes him stay every night.
Dean put his glass back in the kitchen and slips back into bed. Cas is sleeping on his side, his back to Dean. He tries to focus on Cas' breathing and matching it to his own. He slips a hand around his waist and hears Cas sigh with sleepy contentment. Dean closes his eyes and just tries to go back to sleep. But he can still hear what Cas said in his dream. Its not always the same but it always makes Dean feel the same way, like he doesn't deserve what he has. Dean's mind plays it over and over, scene by scene.
Dean is at Cas' school, its dark like before a storm, and silent. Dean has an itch, something is wrong. He walks around the dim hallways until he reaches Cas' office. He gets a text from a random number, it just says leave. He opens the door the Cas' office, there's a woman. Pretty, dark long curls and a slim black dress. She laughs, flashes him a snide grin and tells Dean to sit down. She's going to tell him a story about his favorite person. She tells him about how she seduced him, how Cas is the best kisser she's ever had and she thinks she just might keep him. Dean is furious but he can't move a muscle, he has to stay and listen. He tries to call Cas but he doesn't answer, and the woman just laughs until Dean wakes up heart racing and out of breath.
But always when he wakes up Cas is sleeping peacefully next to him. He's only a few inches away, Dean could wake him up, he knows Cas wouldn't even be mad if he did. He lets him sleep though. Its no use waking him up for some dream, even if it did feel real enough to freak him out. Cas would just laugh and tell him to go back to sleep, that it was only a dream. Except to Dean, he constantly worries that one day it won't just be a dream, one day his deeply rooted self-loathing will drive Cas away and even though he hates the idea more than anything, he hopes it will be into someone else's arms so that Cas isn't alone and cold all his nights. Oh God, just let me sleep.