Para mi Jaime 3, quien no sabe el amor y pan de Dios que ha sido en mi vida, o quizá si lo sabe pero es tan amorshi que es modesto. Gracias por ser uno, si no el mejor, rp partner que he tenido hasta la fecha y hacerme llorar y sufrir con Kruemmel. Ilysm bby. Y, si, han sido 84 años desde que prometi que suberia esto pero, no me sentía muy segura con el final uno que le había dado. So, espero te guste y bueno, ya sabes que espero criticas para ir mejorando.

Disfruten.

"I tried to be the lover to your nightmare, now I'm the heavy burden that you can't bear"

(Kruemel, Mirror verse)

by

Ireth Tasartir

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"Look what you have made of me…"

She knows, deep inside of her, that this isn't healthy, that this isn't what girls of her age have with boys but she can't help it, there is no escape. Was there ever the chance? She doesn't think so but sometimes she likes to fantasy with the thought that this was a choice and not the consequence of her and him falling in a sick cycle that somehow has become necessary.

Necessary for whom?

She doesn't know if she really wants an answer to her question. She likes to think that he needs her far more than she needs him. But even now, even now that he is not here and she is inside of her closet, she knows that might not be true, yet she refuses to accept the truth. She refuses to accept that perhaps she loves him a little too much. Loving a person means accepting them as an only, his flaws are part of him, and she loves them. Even if that flaws are the cause of her tears, of her smeared mascara, of the redness in her eyes.

She is not quite the victim. The sick, twisted part of her likes it.

But only because he keeps coming to her.

And the flutter her heart makes every time she sees him under her window makes her feel sick and disgusted with herself but she doesn't lock the window.

After, once he is gone, she can't bear looking at herself in the mirror without questioning when did she become this?

"You can't make me disappear "

Sometimes she gets this feeling, the kind of feeling that eats you from inside, but she clamps her mouth shut and only sits in his bed, watching him as he dresses for his lacrosse practice. She tries to ignore the fact that sometimes his eyes look at her direction and it feels as if there was nothing in her direction, like if she was not truly there. It makes her want to scream; that is until he looks over his shoulder and mutters a "Get out through the back door."

The first time it happens she doesn't give it a second thought, they were drunk and his eyes looked glassy, perhaps the result of the few pills he had a few hours before in that party of Jewel and because she was mostly happy about how tender he had been with her. But after all this months she can't help but have the feeling that perhaps he isn't really aware of her presence in his life. How could he? Who is she after all?.

No one, Autumn. You are no one when you are not with me and when you are with me, you are nothing more than a nameless, forgettable blonde girl.

He said to her the one and only time she had the audacity to snap at him and tell him she was not his toy, that she was a person. He had grabbed her by the elbow and snarled in her face, his blue eyes filled with rage and pity while she was sure hers were full of tears and hurt.

Pathetic, he had said before leaving her in the middle of the hall, his back getting lost between the sea of students and she blinking away the tears.

She had never, not after that, not even once, asked him if he really saw her. The answer was as clear as the blue of their eyes, he saw nothing more than a pathetic, nameless, forgettable blonde with too much insecurity, with too many flaws. She had a pride too and she was sure she could never take the answer without crying a "But I'm here, I'm real. Look at me, Jordan"

"I made myself at home in the cobwebs and the lies."

She had always been good at detecting lies, years of practice watching her parents had made her quite good at detecting them and she hated them. They were worst than drugs, worst than sins, they were… Once you said a lie, you could not stop but she had lied, lots of times and each one of them she had regretted it. Not because it was bad but because she didn't want to end up in the middle of the cobweb, she didn't want to be eaten by them and yet here she was, pretending that she was not detecting those lies coming from his lips while his eyes smiled at her. Those same eyes that could be sweet at times or the coldest ones.

She hated lies, yet here she was, lying to herself in order to believe his own lies.

She knew there were others; of course she was not that stupid to believe that she was his only but knowing it didn't make it less painful. Watching the person you loved the most coming out from rooms with other girls behind couldn't be painless, yet, she made herself believe each one of his lies.

She made herself believe his biggest lies.

"Your are the only real one, Autumn. You are the only one who I could never replace"

How happy had those words made her, how sweet they tasted in her memory just by recalling them. How hopeful had she been, how stupid for believing, how naïve. How bitter they tasted now when she was watching him dance with Jewel, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, tracing circles in the little of her back with his hand, looking at her with those clear and sweet, icy blue eyes.

But a lie told a million of times, sounded like the truth.

(She had no remedy)

"I made myself a promise. You would never see me cry."

She closed her eyes and walked away, she could feel the tears forming on her eyes, He would always do this, all the time except in her room or his. He would always look at her with a smirk and then snort, turning away from her to make some offending comment about her looks before wrapping his arm around Jewel's waist.

Why was she letting this go further?

Because of the few moments, those few moments where he would look at her and the blue of his eyes would be soft the way the blue of the sky was in the morning, because he had not always been like this.

You are Autumn Hummel –she whispered to the reflection. Her eyes red and the tears still fresh on her cheeks. –You are Autumn Hummel, you are a valuable person. –she closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath, she was valuable, no matter what everyone thought. No matter what he said.

Then, why was her skin redder and with thin cuts on it?

Not because of him. Never because of him.

Autumn, get out of there –she shook her head, covering her eyes. He was not here, he was not here. He would not enter the only place that wasn't bathed in his essence —Autumn

GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. YOU ARE NOT HERE, YOU ARE NOT REAL. LEAVE ME ALONE

Autumn heard a laugh, a laughs that made her shiver, that sent pain to her bones. That was a laugh that promised endless pain —But you don't want me to leave. That's why I'm here.

She lurched forward and opened the door of her closet, ready to tell him otherwise, ready to throw him out of her house, her life, her mind.

(Her heart)

Her room was empty and just the way they had left it before he crawled out by the window. She was alone.

(And that scared her more than hearing voices)

"I'm learning all your tricks, I can hurt you from inside"

That afternoon she understood why he held so much power over her. It finally hit her and the mere thought made her sick, made her want to rip her skin off, break out of it even if that meant to leave her open and defenseless.

He had never stopped playing games. Not even once.

This time, however, betrayal didn't hit her or at least, it didn't hurt this time. Anger was what blinded her for hours, making her destroy everything she loved, making her scream and throw punches to her mirror, look at her bloodied hand in disgust.

She looked at the broken reflection before smiling softly. She had to start playing his game.

(And prove herself that he was not the only one)

Then, why was she feeling sick and like a betrayer after going out with Ben Baker? Why was she feeling dirty and used when she was the one playing with him? Why did his eyes were the only thing that she kept seeing when she hit her climax?

And she decided to watch him until she found his secret. She had copied him in everything; they way his eyes could go from the warmest blue to the coldest one. From the way he would look down on everyone to the way he moved in the hallways, from the way he spoke with the truth to the way he lain. She had learned everything. Even the things that she hated the most, the way he would hold her in the bed, the way he would bite her skin, the way he would move, making her gasp and beg.

It took her moths, months and tears and more cuts and even more boys to play around, more smiles from him telling her "You belong to me. Not matter with who you sleep when is not with me" until one day she finally did. And the answer scared her even more.

It was not enough with copying. She had to become him. She had to destroy herself at her own image and likeness.

(And so she did, she destroyed herself even more)

(This time, beyond repair)

"I'm underneath your skin"

I'm not your doll, you can't pick me up whenever you want –she snapped, tired of his antics, tired of being pushed around yet, not strong enough to fight against his touch. She could feel herself slowly giving in, she could feel her fingers curling above the area where his heart should be.

She blinked slowly, watching as his eyes came to live and sparkled, his dimples showing and for a moment, he fooled her but this time, a part of her didn't truly believe him. She watched in silence, her wrist held tightly by his fingers and her left cheek being caressed by his index —Oh, I know you are not a doll. Dolls are pretty, some even gorgeous and you are not. No, that is not the reason why I call you doll, Autumn –she watched him but this time, there were not tears in her eyes. He leaned closed, his lips touching her earlobe and his voice a whisper, a whisper that maybe a long time ago she would have confused for one that meant that he loved her but not this time. —I call you doll because you are such a breakable, pathetic little thing.

This time, nothing inside of her hurt.

He looked at her, his eyes, the same ones that one time were able to melt her or freeze her, no longer touching her soul. No longer hurting her —Fear me, Autumn. Fear because I'm going to destroy you.

(How could she fear the monster she had been sleeping with?)

(How could she fear the monster that was the same one she could see in the mirror every time she woke up?)

I have nothing to fear, Jordan. –she whispered, looking at him from between her eyelashes, the blood inside of her mouth making her raise her hand and scratch the skin of his neck—I have nothing to lose.

You could always lose me, Autumn –he whispered, but she swears she can see, briefly, fear in his eyes before he roughly lets go of her face and walks away.

You were never mine to have but you want to own me. You want to blossom in my veins and you are scared, scared because I am the one letting my roots grow around your heart.

"My love is your disease. I won't let it set you free."

We are done –she said, without giving him a glance but knowing that he would open his eyes and sit up on her bed, the blanked would pool around his waist and his eyes would be as cold as ice.

Done? Do you even know that there is nothing to be undone?

Well, then, I just don't want you to keep sleeping with me –she answered, putting her brush down and turning around to face him —I think we have taken as much from the other as possible. I have nothing more to offer.

She watched, not even blinking, as he got out of her bed and walked towards her, his hands going around her neck in a familiar, even desired, way —We are not done. I am not done –she hid a smile behind the curtain that her hair created when he let go and walked back to her bed. He had grown dependent of her love. The love that she once had and that was blind. —And believe me, Baker will never be able to remplace me

She bit her lip in order to keep herself from laughing, keep herself from saying something that would leave her in evidence. She bit her lip and kept her eyes tightly closed to stop herself from opening her eyes and breaking the charm. She was not ready to let go of that fantasy.

(Not ready to face the fact that he was inside of her head)

"I will be here […] seeping through the cracks"

I don't want –she said as calmly as possible, feeling Jordan's hands caressing the skin of her hips, his lips on her neck —Jordan, no. I don't want –she said a little bit more forcefully, her hands going up to his chest before he grabbed them, pinning them above her head. His teeth biting this time.

Mine –was the only thing he whispered. She gulped down and closed her eyes, tears forming —My doll, Autumn. –he moved from her shoulder to her collarbone, biting and sucking and making her gasp, but not with pleasure, with pain.

No, get off me. Get off me! I hate you. I hate you!

He looked at her and laughed, making her feel sick and instead of hating him, hating herself when the realization hit her once again. She still loved him. She loved him. She loved him more than anything. So much it hurt, it make her want to hurt him to let him see that this was love. A love that was supposed to burn everything to ashes. He breathed deeply before running his fingers over her collarbone —No, Autumn. You don't hate me, you see. You hate that we are the same fucked up people.

I'm nothing like you –she snapped with a courage that she didn't know she still had. She was not going to be the same weak Autumn of a year ago

Not yet, Autumn –he whispered harshly, tightening his hold on her wrists

You are hurting me!

Not yet, Autumn. –he continued, watching her face and smirking —I know when we are going to be done –he leaned closer, so close that he was everything she could see and breathe, so close that he was all she could feel and sense. So close that he was everything —We are going to be done the day I break you so much that no one, no one will be able to fix you –finished before stepping away, making her feel like she was the one forcing herself onto him.

She inhaled sharply through her nose, walking away with her head held high and not a single tear shed because that little voice told her something that had never occurred to her.

Jordan was bound to cut his hands in the process of breaking her and she would use those cuts to sip into his bloodstream. She would kill him slowly.

"I'm the poison in your bones"

She curled her legs and pulled them closer to her body, trying to protect herself. She was no longer safe. She was not safe. He had crossed all her barriers; he had destroyed all the hidden places she had. He had opened her and left her fragile and vulnerable but just as he was invading her, trying to own her, she was doing the same to him. She could feel it, she could see it and even, hear it somedays.

In the way his fingers curled around her limbs, the way his eyes caressed her skin, the way his voice said her name. She was sipping, she was filling him. She was finally blossoming in his veins; soon she would replace his blood and be the only thing he could think of.

It had started one day, when both of them were laying in his bed. She had sat up and turned her back to him, looking for her clothes when the feelings of the tips of his fingers stroking the skin of her shoulder made her tense up —How did you do that one? That one is new –he asked, his face turned away from her and she smiled bitterly.

With the pain of your words and a good razor.

She simply shrugged and turned away, putting her clothes one before murmuring —Does it really matter?

You would be beautiful without them; you shouldn't have ruined your skin.

She inhaled sharply, closing her eyes tightly before remembering that Jordan never stopped playing games and reminding herself that only this way she would be free. She ignored him and continued to dress in silence but she knew, he could smell it. He knew it, he knew what she had been planning.

(He was inside of her, after all)

Yet, here she was. Walking out of his house and she hadn't even scratched his skin.

(She loved him too much)

And yet, there was the feeling of victory. It had been a little gesture that had given him away. He had looked her way when she was walking out.

(He loved her too)

"I'm gonna make you suffer this hell you put me in"

Remember, Autumn, remember who broke you –someone whispered in her ear

Remember, Autumn, remember who broke your idea of love –another voice filled her mind

Remember who turned you into this monster –Ben Baker whispered, his hands holding her shoulder, his lips kissing her skin, trying to erase Jordan's "love" bites —Remember who broke you beyond repair –he kept going on, his legs tangling with hers —This is our revenge. On them. On everyone who once mocked us, who looked down on us.

She raised her eyes from the razor and nodded, he was right. Ben was right. She should never forget, no matter how much Jordan tried to make her forget. —Do I have to do it?

Only if you want to be free –he whispered one final time, kissing the fingers of her hands —Only if you want to fly. Do to his heart what he did to yours, Autumn. Show him how much it hurts to live with a heart half-eaten by sadness.

"You'll never know what hit you, won't see me closing in"

She had waited for him to finish with his lacrosse practice. Ben had said this way she would throw him out of her mind, bleed him out of her bloodstream, tear out the roots he had managed to wrap around her heart —Jordan –she looked at her feet, blushing the way Ben had taught her — My parents won't be this week…

I'll be there by 8 –she nodded, not even looking his way, only turning away and walking into her car.

"I tried to be the lover to your nightmare"

She breathed deeply, her hands were shaking but this would be the only way to set them free. Both of them, Ben and Jordan had said so, or at least, the Jordan that was good, the one that loved her and the one that would cuddle with her until she fell asleep. The one who would hold her hand and take away her razor and kiss her scars, whispering how perfect she was.

She looked at herself in the mirror and she narrowed her eyes, if she tried hard enough, she could still see the cracks on it…in her face.

(In her soul)

She heard him closing the door and walking upstairs, if she closed her eyes and forced herself, she could fantasy with the idea of him coming back from work and not from between Jewel's arms.

"The devil within"

"Show him how much it hurts to live with a heart half-eaten by sadness."

She blinked away the tears and bit, she bit and chewed and swallowed —I'm setting us free –she kept whispering, sobbing from time on time because freedom tasted metallic and not sweet like she had imagined. She sobbed because she didn't like red and her fingers were red and sticky and warm. She sobbed because he had finally said it. He had finally said that he loved her before telling her she was killing him.

His heart was warm and half-eaten.

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:DDDDDD

Bonus (coming soon)