Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry. The movie rights belong to J.J. Abrams and Paramount. Thanks to Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine for inspiring me to write about the young versions of Spock and Kirk!
A/N: This story contains SLASH. As in M/M. Kirk and Spock are lovers. Do I have to spell it out? If you don't like it, don't read it. Thanks!
So this is my take on a favorite X-Files episode of mine (Hollywood A.D.) only I changed the plot to fit the Star Trek universe. Instead of our heroes being Mulder, Scully, and Skinner, we have Kirk, Spock, and Bones. You X-Files fans will love it, and those of you who haven't seen X-Files will certainly be able to follow this because it's all about Star Trek.
This is an AU. The timelines for everything in here are screwed up, so please, just use your imagination. In other news, it helps if you've seen the Wrath of Khan to get this. If you haven't seen it, just know that Khan's the bad guy. He's like, Kirk's mortal enemy.
I have a few guest appearances in this. In no way do my interpretations of Zachary Quinto, Ryan Reynolds, or Chris Pine reflect on the character of the real people.
Also, there's a Pinto reference hidden in there somewhere! Let me know if you spot it. ;)
Warning: It's crack!
Hollywood Enterprise
Chinese Theater, Los Angeles CA
Kirk runs through a graveyard in the dead of night. Fog covers the ground, which is speckled with ancient headstones. He dodges right and left, returning fire at his pursuers.
"Give it up, Kirk! You've got no chance!" Cigarette Smoking Khan yells from his position not far behind the starship captain. He takes a long drag from his cigarette; he is the embodiment of evil.
"Damn it." Kirk swears, as his phaser refuses to recharge.
"My superhumans are everywhere," CSK informs him. "I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Genesis Device, and I'll give you Spock."
"Jim!" Spock cries out for his captain, as he is being held hostage by the superhumans about three meters away.
"How about this deal?" Kirk shouts. "You give me Spock, and I destroy the Genesis Device and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine, you genetically engineered piece of shit!"
"You don't fool me, Kirk." CSK gives him an evil leer. "That device will allow you to give the remaining Vulcans a new home. I know how much you feel responsible for the destruction of Vulcan. You could no sooner destroy that, than let your Vulcan die."
"Come on, man," one of the superhumans whines. "Don't break the device. We don't want to go back to being homeless. There's no food, no shelter, no fun at all. Save the device, and we'll dump our psycho dictator for you, and you'll be our new captain."
"Never!" Kirk yells. He throws the Genesis Device high in the air and runs towards Spock. Smoking Khan and the superhumans try to catch the metal device, which looks like a missile. Kirk grabs Spock and they roll down a nearby hill and fall into an open grave. The coffin lid slams shut and they are left in almost total darkness. Spock speaks first.
"Is that your phaser, Jim, or are you just happy to be lying on top of me?" Kirk frowns, confused as he pulls out his weapon.
"My phaser." Suddenly, it dawns on him what Spock was referring to. "Oh, that." Kirk takes that moment to gaze into the Vulcan's eyes. "You know, five long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Spock."
"You have an illogical and twisted mind, Jim." Spock breathes. "Please continue."
"I love you, Spock. No if's, and's or..."
"Vulcan mating cycles. Mmm." Then Kirk and Spock proceed to make out like no tomorrow.
The film audience consisting of the bridge crew of the Enterprise along with other movie-goers is watching the screen kiss with rapt attention. Scotty and Uhura are cuddled up together, as are Sulu and Chekov. Almost all are enjoying the movie. Spock and Kirk look mortified, while Bones is trying hard not to crack up. The doctor is extremely amused by the whole thing. Kirk and Spock share a worried glance, each surprised that the 'documentary' about life on the Enterprise turned out to focus on this aspect of their relationship. How the hell were they supposed to sit through the rest of the film? Kirk never should've allowed Starfleet to use him this way. It'd all started when Cupcake showed up...
.~.
Six months earlier
Kirk and Spock reported to Sick Bay to be briefed by Dr. Leonard McCoy, something about a priority message from Starfleet. A visitor, a burly man known to Kirk only as 'Cupcake', sat behind them, listening and taking notes on a voice recorder. Kirk and Spock frowned at each other. Hadn't Kirk dismissed Cupcake for sexual harassment? What was he doing back on the Enterprise?
"Yesterday, a small bomb ripped through Starfleet headquarters." McCoy said flatly. "There were no casualties, no thefts, no note making any demand."
"Who is responsible for such an act of terrorism?" Spock wondered, sharing a concerned glance with Kirk. Bones responded,
"Someone named Khan Noonien Singh of the SS Botany Bay." Cupcake spoke into his recorder.
"Spock - he's like a computer mixed with the appearance of a Sindarin elf. Kirk - he's like Han Solo meets T.J. Hooker." Spock and Kirk ignored him.
"The SS Botany Bay?" Spock frowned just a tad. "Is that not the name of the 20th century Earth penal colony in Australia?" Bones confirmed that indeed it was.
"Woah woah woah," Kirk interrupted. "Hold up, guys. Who is Khan, and why do I have this sudden urge to shout his name?" Cupcake mumbled into his recorder,
"Khan, perhaps." His communicator beeped.
"Khan was one of the most powerful men of his day," Spock elaborated for his bondmate. "His name often comes up as a possibility for the first Earth-wide dictator."
"Oh, that's right," said Kirk, finally remembering Khan from his history lessons. "Didn't he belong to a moribund race of genetically engineered supermen that were finally removed from power at the end of Eugenics Wars?" Inspired, Cupcake stated something into the recorder.
"'Moribund'."
For some reason, Spock was not amused by Cupcake's recording of the word 'moribund'. It was a private joke between him and Kirk that they had a secret competition based on their mastery of the Standard language. So far Jim was winning, but only because Standard was his native tongue.
"Yes, he did," said Bones. "I like to think that our scientists learned their lessons from manipulating genetics. They shouldn't be messing with our DNA like that." Cupcake's communicator continued to beep annoyingly.
"Are you going to answer your communicator?" Kirk asked.
"Me?" Cupcake gave Kirk an innocent look.
"No, the other guy I call Cupcake." Ooh, Spock secretly loved it when Jim got sarcastic.
"I didn't want to be rude," Cupcake defended himself. Kirk rolled his eyes.
"Bones, why the hell is this guy back on my ship? I thought I got him transferred because he kept coming on to me." Cupcake finally answered his communicator.
"Hello? Oh hey, man. What's up?" He continued to chatter on incessantly, much to their chagrin.
McCoy decided to take this time to correct Jim.
"Contrary to popular belief, his name isn't Cupcake. Jim, this is Wayne Federman. His family gave a huge donation to Starfleet, and I hate to say that he was a friend of my ex-wife's. Ever since he resigned his commission, he became a writer out in Hollywood and now he's working on a Starfleet-based movie. He's asked Starfleet Command to give him access to the Enterprise."
"A screenwriter?" Spock wondered.
"It's actually... It's a writer-slash-producer," Federman explained.
"Well, it's actually just a hindrance-slash-pain in the ass." Kirk frowned at Federman for disrupting his fabulous morning.
"Yo, yo, yo. Captain Kirk, I don't want to eat your lunch." Federman tried to sound cool but failed miserably. "That's more the commander's area. I'm just here for some procedural flavor — just a taste." Kirk raised his eyebrows.
"You sure your name isn't Cupcake? Cause you sure like talking about food." Wayne glared at Kirk, which caused Spock to glare at Wayne.
"I'm sure," said Wayne, ignoring Spock's Vulcan Death Glare. "By the way, Lenny filled me in on your newest mission."
"Lenny?" Kirk looked over at Bones, who glowered at him. Apparently Bones had a new nickname that Jim hadn't known about! Federman continued to ramble about his movie.
"It's the exact vibe I'm looking for this thing I'm doing. It's a 'Star Wars' meets 'Love Story' type thing. Look, Captain, I will not be in your way. I won't even try to get you in bed."
"Yeah, cause you know if you did, Spock would kick your ass," Kirk muttered under his breath. Bones did not appreciate that last remark.
"Dammit, Jim! Grow up, would you?"
"Sorry, Bones," said Kirk, not sounding sorry at all.
"Unbelievable." Bones shook his head. "Now, Mr. Federman will accompany you today where he will act as an observer on this mission. You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of mine and a friend of the Starfleet. Commander Spock, I require your services here for the morning. You're past due for a checkup." Kirk and Spock rose to return to their respective duties.
"Oooh!" Wayne smirks at Kirk. The writer-slash-producer gives McCoy the thumbs up. Spock raised an eyebrow. The Vulcan was pissed at the mere idea of something between him and the doctor other than constant irritation with an undercurrent of friendship.
Before he left Sick Bay, Kirk had one last question for his doctor.
"Bones, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?"
.~.
Two weeks later
Spock's communicator beeped. He really hoped it was Jim because he hadn't heard from him in an hour. The Vulcan was worried that something had happened when Kirk beamed down to an unknown planet. "Spock here."
"Hey, Spock, it's me." It was Jim after all! "How's all the paperwork concerning Khan's recent attack on the Enterprise coming?"
"I have managed to complete it during my last shift," the Vulcan informed him.
"Thanks." The Vulcan felt Jim's appreciation through their bond. "Now Starfleet will have to stop riding my ass, about this at least."
"Jim, this device..." Spock trailed off. "Your friend Dr. Marcus says that it has properties she has never seen before. It's fascinating!" But Kirk was getting another signal on his communicator. It was from Earth!
"Hold on a second, Spock. I'm getting another call." Kirk switched frequencies so he could receive his other call.
"Yeah, Kirk here."
"Captain Kirk? It's Wayne slash Federman out in LA." Oh God. Not this guy again!
"I can't really talk about the mission, you know." Kirk was hoping this would deter Federman. No such luck.
"That's all right — Lenny's keeping me in the loop. So, Jim, I was wondering about you and Spock. I was just curious if he was more than your-"
"Enough, Wayne," Kirk warned him. "I'm not discussing my private life with you." Wayne changed tactics.
"Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?" Kirk's eyes widened in surprise. Yep, that did the trick.
"I'm in the movie?" How flattering! Suddenly, this Wayne guy wasn't so bad.
"Well, it's a character loosely based on you. It's more of an amalgamation." Still, Kirk thought, that was better than nothing. Then Kirk remembered Spock waiting patiently on his other frequency.
"Yeah, hold on a second, Cupca- I mean Wayne." He made the switch.
"Hey, Spock, I've got to take this."
"I shall contact you after I have submitted the reports to Starfleet."
"Thanks." Kirk switched back to talk to Wayne again. "How about Chris Pine?" Cupcake, I mean Wayne, gave a huge chortle at that suggestion.
"Yeah, okay. Uh, seriously. What if I said to you the name "Ryan Reynolds"?"
"Wayne, you're breaking up," said Kirk. "It sounded like you said "Ryan Reynolds"."
"I did," the writer-slash-producer replied. "Ryan Reynolds is signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you and Zachary Quinto is playing the amalgamation loosely based on your first officer, you stud. The movie's called The Revenge of Khan."
"How do you know about Khan?" Kirk wondered. That was supposed to be under wraps. Someone failed on that.
"The Lenster!" Oh, Kirk was going to kill Bones. "Listen, Reynolds and Quinto want to meet you guys... get your flavor — it's an actor type thing. Come on out to the studio on our dime sometime. We'll make it nice."
"Sounds good," Kirk agreed. Who knew, it could even be fun! Then he had a thought. "Hey, who's going to play Bones in the movie?"
"Chris Pine." Kirk was absolutely floored.
"Chri... Chri...but...but..." Wayne had already hung up on him.
Well, that revelation was certainly different. Kirk believed that Pine looked a hell of a lot more like him than Ryan Reynolds did, but apparently the studio hadn't thought so. Why was Bones being played by an actor who was prettier than the actor assigned to play him? He decided to complain to Spock about this right away.
"Kirk to Spock."
"Yes, Jim – what is it?" Spock could sense his bondmate's apprehension.
"Do you still think I'm pretty?" The Vulcan sighed. It was going to be a long day...
.~.
Two months later
Hollywood, CA
The Enterprise returned to earth for a short shore leave. This was convenient for Spock and Kirk, as they had a meeting with Wayne Federman on the planet. It wasn't long before they met him at the studio. They were not looking forward to seeing that insufferable man again, but kissing ass was part of the job description. It would all be over soon enough...
"Captain Kirk, Commander Spock! I'm so glad you could hang." Right on cue, Federman popped up to greet them. He kissed Kirk on the cheek and shook Spock's hand, both actions offending his guests. "Come on, I want you to meet the people that are going to play you." He turned to two actors who were standing by. "Ryan Reynolds, Zachary Quinto, this is Kirk and Spock."
"Nice to meet you." Kirk said, his charm on full blast as he shook their hands.
"Greetings." Spock just nodded at the actors.
"It's good to meet you." Reynolds was very enthusiastic, that was for sure.
"It's my pleasure to meet the inspiration behind our characters," said Quinto. Kirk then turned to him.
"Big fan – Jim Kirk." He tried not to gaze directly at Quinto but was having a hell of a time of it. Spock was not pleased.
"No kidding," said Zach. "Huh." Then he turned his attention to Spock. "You know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe you could show me how to do the Vulcan salute. Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having a hell of a time separating my fingers into the correct position. I can do it on my left hand but not on my right…" Zach took Spock aside to work on the salute.
Meanwhile, Kirk was left to deal with Reynolds.
"Hey, uh... Mr. Kirk."
"Hey." Kirk acknowledged the nervous actor. "What's up, Mr. Reynolds?
"How are you?"
"Fine."
Seriously, listen could I ask you something?" Kirk shrugged.
"Sure. Ask away."
"Uh, do you dress to the left or to the right?"
While this strange conversation was going on, Spock was off to the side, demonstrating the Vulcan salute for Quinto. He was also trying to help Zachary say the traditional Vulcan greeting, 'live long and prosper' without sounding like he wanted to kill someone but it wasn't really working.
"What do you... What do you mean?" Kirk chuckled, returning his attention back to Wayne.
"Look, when I play a character I need to find his centre, his, sort of, rudder, so to say and then everything comes from that." Kirk thought about it.
"Uh... I guess mostly to the left." Reynolds frowned.
"Mostly?" Kirk nodded.
"Most of the time. It really depends on my mood that day." Reynolds was deep in thought.
"Most of the time. To the left".
"Yep." Kirk winked at Reynolds, who promptly yelled,
"Wardrobe!" Reynolds wandered off to change his pants when Kirk was approached by another actor.
"You're Chris Pine!" Kirk regarded him closely.
"Yeah, I am." Chris grinned at Kirk. "That's so funny I look so much like you, and yet I'm playing Bones. I was offered the part of Kirk, but I turned it down."
"How come?" Kirk wanted to know, because his ego was slightly bruised by this rejection.
"Have you even read the script?" Chris whispered. Kirk shook his head, bewildered by Chris's smirk. "Trust me, it's good to play Bones in this movie." Kirk bit his lip. Why was Bones suddenly cooler than him?
"Why?" Chris chuckled.
"I'm not going to spoil the movie for you. You'll just have to wait until it's released to find out."
"Great," sighed Kirk. "Well, it was good to meet you."
"Good to meet you too." Chris strolled off, practicing his lines. "I'm a doctor, not a physicist... no that's not right. Dammit, I don't know if this was the right part for me..."
After hearing that, Kirk had some serious doubts about how well this movie would turn out. This guy was nothing like Bones! But it didn't really matter. At least he and Spock got a free hotel out of Wayne to spend the night.
.~.
Later that day,
Hollywood Tower Hotel
James T. Kirk had just settled into a warm bubble bath when his communicator beeped.
"Kirk here."
"Good afternoon, Jim. It is I," his bondmate replied. Spock was just in the next room over. He and Jim were staying in separate rooms because they didn't want to bring attention to their relationship. "What are you doing?" Kirk shielded their bond from his current activity 'cause it was kinda embarrassing. He wasn't sure if he wanted Spock to know that he still took bubble baths. It wasn't exactly the most captainy thing to do.
"I'm, uh, working at the, uh, computer," Kirk fibbed. "What are you doing?"
"I am endeavoring to pack for our return trip to the Enterprise tomorrow." But Spock wasn't being exactly truthful either. At that very moment, he was also enjoying the merits of his own bubble bath. Kirk and Spock were side by side in their respective baths, with only a thin wall separating them.
"You know, Spock, I was just thinking about Khan and the Genesis Device. How come when people time travel they almost always want revenge?"
"That is an interesting thought, Jim," Spock answered. "I had not considered it before, but I believe it to be true. Due to the illogical brains that most humans have, the brain cannot process much other than the primitive need to protect one's territory..." While Spock rambled on about his analysis, Kirk's mind wandered. What was Quinto up to right now? He sure looked a hell of a lot like Spock. Maybe if he played his cards right, he might be able to convince them both to –
Beepity beep. Kirk's communicator chirped, interrupting his delicious train of thought.
"Hold on a second, Spock, that's my other line." He quickly switched frequencies, hoping to God it wasn't the Enterprise in trouble. "Kirk here."
"Jim, its McCoy. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time." Whew - the ship was fine. Kirk could stay right where he was.
"No, Bones, I'm just at the, uh, computer." Kirk wasn't about to tell the doctor about his bubble bath either. It would just be weird.
"Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during that incident with Khan."
"Oh. I appreciate that, Lenny." Jim could just picture McCoy's glare as of now.
"Don't call me that."
"I can't make any promises, Bones," Kirk admitted. "Uh, where are you now?"
"I'm right underneath you. I'm in Los Angeles, at the same hotel as you. I'm staying on the floor right below you and Commander Spock. Federman got me an Associate Producer credit on the movie."
"AP McCoy, huh?" Kirk chewed on that one for a moment. How come he didn't get to be a producer? "Uh... So, Bones, what are you up to right now?"
"I'm taking a bubble bath." Kirk almost shit himself.
"Uh, hold on just one second, Bones." He fiddled with his communicator to get back to Spock. "Hey, Spock, Bones is calling me from a bubble bath!"
"It's still me, Jim." Shit! His communicator had to be malfunctioning, as there was no way that he could make a mistake.
"Oops." Kirk grinned sheepishly. "Uh, hold on one second, Bonesy." This time he actually reaches his First. "Spock?"
"Affirmative." Kirk could barely contain his glee.
"Yeah, Bones is calling me from a bubble bath."
"Fascinating!" Spock mused, feeling a little better about his own obsession with bubble baths. "He's rather embracing the life of luxury."
"Totally," Kirk agreed.
"You know, Jim, I believe that Zachary Quinto has a crush on you."
"Oh, yeah, right." Kirk snorted. "Like Zachary Quinto is ever going to have a crush on me."
"I believe that Reynolds likes you a bit, too." Okay, now Kirk was a little freaked out.
"Really?"
.~.
Three and a half months later
Chinese Theater, Los Angeles CA
On the movie screen, Kirk and Spock were beginning to heat things up. Their tongues dueled fiercely as they each fought for dominance. But then, Spock brought everything to a halt, much to the disappointment of the audience.
"Please cease your actions, Jim... I cannot reciprocate any longer." Kirk was fishing for any excuse to keep going because he wanted Spock right then!
"I know this feels wrong because we're friends and I am your commanding officer, but..." Spock shook his head.
"No, no, it is not that. It is not that."
"Is it because I'm a man?" Spock frowned.
"No. That would not make any difference." Kirk was getting rather impatient.
"Well, what then?" Spock took a deep breath, and confessed,
"I'm in love with Chief Medical Officer Leonard McCoy."
Meanwhile, although the audience was howling by this point, the real Kirk was furious as the false interpretation of him, Spock, and now McCoy.
"That's it, Spock," he hissed, standing up in his seat. "I can't take it anymore."
"Calm yourself, Jim. Sit down." Spock was able to placate his bondmate at least for the moment. The movie continued on.
Kirk asks, "What does McCoy have that I don't have?"
Spock replies, "A bigger phaser." The audience went wild...
That was the last straw. Jim was done with this movie. He stalked out of the theater, cursing at Cupcake for giving a false interpretation of his and Spock's life. Spock remained in his seat, realizing it would be prudent to allow his bondmate some time to cool off.
Sitting a row ahead of him, Bones glanced apologetically over at Spock, just before an enthusiastic Christine Chapel turns his head. She began to kiss her boss on the cheek, much to his delight. Spock shrugged, and Bones' look conveyed his amusement and embarrassment at the movie Spock/McCoy situation before returning his attention to his beautiful date.
.~.
After the movie was over, Spock went to go look for Kirk. He found him sulking on one of the soundstages.
"I missed you in the theater, Jim." The Vulcan took a seat next to his bondmate, and gently rubbed his shoulders.
"They got it so wrong, Spock," Kirk said, as he leaned into Spock's touch. "I'd never want to use the Genesis Device."
"I know," Spock reassured him. "It was just a movie, Jim."
"Yes, but it was about us," Kirk whined. Spock, who had had enough of Jim's bull, changed the subject.
"I just received a com from Starfleet," said the Vulcan. "They received our paperwork regarding Khan's attack. It's all over now."
"No, no, it's just beginning," Jim disagreed. "Khan was this complicated, flawed, beautiful person and now he'll just be remembered as a joke because of this movie. The character based on Khan is listed in the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking Khan". How silly is that?"
"It is rather illogical," Spock admitted.
"Yeah, and what about us?" Kirk pressed. "How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?" Spock gave a tiny wince.
"If we are lucky, the movie will not perform favorably at the box office." Kirk continued his rant.
"What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't tell their stories anymore? They're all going to have to rely on Hollywood to show the future how they lived and it'll all be oversimplified and trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking Khanicized and become as meaningless as that stupid Genesis Device."
"I believe the deceased are beyond caring what people think about them," Spock mused. "We should adopt the same attitude."
"I guess." Jim sounded dejected. But Spock had something that would cheer him up for sure!
"Jim..." Spock said softly. He offered his fingers and Jim reached for them, completing the traditional Vulcan kiss. "We are alive. And we are relatively young." Kirk mumbled his agreement. "And Dr. McCoy was so amused by the events of the movie..."
"I bet he was...," Jim interrupted with a grumble.
"...that he has given us a Starfleet credit card to use for the evening. Shall we take advantage of this fortuitous opportunity?"
"Oh, hell yeah." Kirk beamed at Spock, who helped him up.
" Jim, I have something to confess."
"What's that, Spock?"
"I am in love with Associate Producer Leonard McCoy." Kirk laughed so hard, he fell right into Spock, who caught him.
"Ah... me too," Kirk agreed, still chuckling.
They walked out of the soundstage, holding hands. Kirk was hoping that they could return to his room and really put that Jacuzzi to good use. But it didn't really matter what they did. The night was young, and he was with Spock. That was all that really mattered.
The End
A/N: Thanks for indulging an X-Files fan. :D Let me know if you could actually follow that.